I have been struggling with life...a little. Being a senior in high school is hard, especially when you have to live up to your mom's extremely (I feel) high expectations. I can't wait to graduate and focus on my hobbies.
Karate is is a HUGE part of my life. Literally, I am there every day. I get there at 2:15PM (I help with the after school program) and then I go straight to class. I love it and I work really hard to get good, compete and win. I hope to go to Worlds next year. Anyway, fingers crossed.
Problem? Karate is my escape. I count down the hours and minutes to go to my gym. School, in general, I don't mind. I love my theatre team (we are doing a production, which is extremely time consuming, but fun), but I can't look into colleges next year. I want to apply to colleges so bad, but I simply don't have the time.
Have you ever dreaded something so bad that it physically hurt? That is my relationship with math. It literally hurts me. My chest constricts and I feel like I am having a mixture of a panic attack and asthma attack. It hurts so much and I can't escape it, because I am f'ing homeschooled. I am schooled at home. Home is my school. People that go to school at least are able to separate school life from home life. I CAN'T do that. I literally can't and it hurts my relationship with my parents (read; my mom) a lot.
So my relationship with my mom. I love my mom and all that but her expextations are so high. I know I can meet them...but it is the way she goes about it. Take today for example. I did school, but I just came off a four day break and my head hurt since I haven't been sleeping well for the last...well since school started. Well, it was before that, because I am a night owl. As soon as it get dark I am wide awake. I have tried everything, but I can't get to sleep. Anyhow, I did my schoolwork today, but I just wasn't feeling it. I got down with a lot of my work (not math, thank God. I got mostly out of that today), but I knew I hadn't done enough. I avoided telling my mom, because I knew that she would do that stupid look. The "that's it? I am disappointed in you" look and I feel like I get stabbed in the heart because I didn't live up to expectations. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she gets defensive then I get defensive and we argue. I hate that. I swear everytime I start school, our relationship goes downhill.
Finally, my oldest friends...I love all my friends, but the group of friends I have a church I feel are falling apart. We used to be so close and tell each other everything, but since I came out as bi and one of my came out as trans we drifted apart. I text them and they reply with one word answers. They are in college now, so I guess...drifting away? But I am not sure how to approach. My oldest friend and I still talk...but we never see each other anymore because we are both so busy. I want to talk to them, but most of the time when I am not busy they are. Usually, something like this? I would bring to them, but they ain't there anymore. My friends at karate are closer to me simply because of karate.
Please, any advice? I would greatly appreciate it and I apologize for the long rant. I just feel like I have no one close enough to me to turn to and I really, really, really need some advice.