Posts by V??????

Wait, what? He'd died? Vertigo knew that cats possessing multiple lives didn't seem to be unique to leaders anymore, but judging by Frostbite's countenance, something was... amiss.

"When did you fight--" The cream tabby began, then decided it wasn't important. "Nevermind... what do you mean that you died?" He stepped back away from the crack in the door, allowing his brother entrance. "Come in, we can speak in private." Not that anyone would be able to hear Frostbite anyway, given the telepathy, but it was habit.

So, basically, the BloodClan leader's soul -- or part of it -- was present in Frostbite? Vertigo would never be able to wrap his head around soul dynamics. How could part of Coppermine exist in Frostbite? More importantly, what would this do to his half-brother? The tom already had a history of mental instability... Vertigo was concerned that this would not help. The BloodClan leader was volatile and the cream tabby didn't want Frostbite to take on those qualities, as he was sure Frostbite didn't either.

"In other words, obtaining the fragment of Coppermine's soul is what revived you?" Vertigo's eyes were cold as he asked, deep in thought about what this would mean. "Your soul is still there, however -- otherwise I wouldn't be speaking to you. Who's life are you functioning on, then? Do you have two lives, or are you two souls sharing the same life?"

Vertigo lowered his eyes, his expression distant with thought. And fatigue, too. He was suddenly feeling exhausted by everything. He didn't know what to do, how to comfort his brother, whether he should comfort his brother, and he really just wished that life would stop being so convoluted.

"You can absorb lives, then?" The cream tabby inquired, turning his head away. His gaze returned when Frostbite promised not to let it beat him. And Vertigo tried to reach in and put his faith in Frostbite, to know that yes, his brother would be fine, but there was no faith left in his heart. Not right now. He didn't know if it would come back.

But maybe, he hoped, he could help.

"Can you walk? I'd like to go somewhere."

The cream tabby's smile fell. He wanted to say, 'I missed you too', but he didn't have the chance as the small brown tabby went on to say that Infinite and Lacey had died. He probably meant... Lacedpaw, didn't he? Vertigo found words failing him and he looked back toward the window in front of him, his tail draping across the floor behind him.

He knew that someday his kits would have to face the same things that had worn Vertigo himself down, but he'd wished with all his heart that it wouldn't have to be now.

"I'm sorry, Dragon." The tom tried to curl his tail around the brown tabby, "I know that it hurts." It was a tragic thing to love something that death could touch. And quite frankly, Vertigo had yet to discover something that it couldn't. Whole Clans could die. Places could be faded or destroyed with time, as could memories, friendships -- and really, to him, that wasn't all that different from dying. Everything was in a constant state of change, no matter whether or not or how much you tried to fight it.

"Did you love her?" He hadn't seen the two together himself, but it was easy to tell that, if nothing else, Dragonkit had been attached to her.

Having been lying on his side, Vertigo rolled back up to his paws when Permafrost joined him. He hadn't identified the tom as such until now, only because he hadn't been paying attention (it was hard to mistake the massive albino serval for anyone else); now that he had, though, the cream tabby was glad to see him. Permafrost was an exception to that earlier line of thought. While the serval probably wasn't one to discuss the weather, he wasn't afraid to speak his mind around Vertigo -- to push back on him a bit in a friendly sort of way, like an equal, instead of shying away from him at the first implication of informality. Admittedly, Vertigo had always been a political sort when he was involved with his superiors. He gave his opinion when asked, but otherwise, he kept his mouth shut and obeyed orders. And while Vertigo still appreciated those qualities in other cats, he appreciated Permafrost for breaking those conventional behaviors just as much.

That said, if he were going to impress someone, he wasn't sure yet if Permafrost would be his first choice. He could just imagine trying to negotiate his way out of a tense situation just for the serval to roll up and threaten to wear their innards. Hah. That would go well.

His ears perked when Permafrost spoke. An apology? Vertigo hadn't been expecting that; all he could manage was a grim smile. "It's all right. It's not like she was my mate. It was nice to have something resembling a family, but... maybe she didn't see it that way. Maybe she sees the same thing in Sabre that I once did."

He wasn't sure what that was, though. Someone who was powerful? Someone who used to be a great leader? Fuck if Vertigo knew, honestly. When it came down to it, he never really knew his father. He'd just kind of watched him from afar the same way most cats did their leader, always apologizing for taking up his time and thinking that it was a big deal when his father remembered his name.

Did he want to talk about it? That was a good question, and one that Vertigo didn't know the answer to. It was on his mind, even if he didn't want it to be. And who could tell if an opportunity like this would come again in the future? The cream tabby cast his eyes toward the horizon, trying to imagine if someday he would regret talking to the serval. Wondered if someday Permafrost would go batshit crazy and kill someone, knock up his daughter and then run off to kill himself. That sounded like the norm. Then Vertigo would look back on it and think, God damn, why do I bother? And there'd be someone else for Vertigo to open up to about it, so that the same thing could happen all over again.

But, why not. He'd talk about it. Maybe this time would be different.

"I looked up to him a lot when I was younger," He reflected, still absently. "My parents were both leaders of SunClan, although they were also enemies. My mother was pro-Clan, whereas Sabre was anti-, and it was Sabre who ran SunClan for most of my childhood. I never saw either one of them much. It certainly wasn't for lack of trying on my part, though, 'cause back then, I would have cut my leg off and served it to 'em myself if I thought it would make them happy."

He paused to exhale before he continued, "In fact, I volunteered and was sent to WindClan before I'd even become an apprentice on some mission for my father. Once I'd been there for a while, I figured out that my old man had croaked -- the mission had failed, but I'd just kind of been left out to dry in an enemy Clan. I took that pretty hard. Then I go back home, and Sabre shows up later, challenging Colouredstar for leadership. Colouredstar had been his deputy and decided to become leader without properly checking to be sure that Sabre was dead first; I guess he was excited about taking up office. At the time I thought Sabre was rightful leader, so I supported him. Fought for him, fetched the anti-Clans for help when battle broke out. He named me his deputy. That was probably my crowning achievement in life. I'd only recently been warriored, but more than that, I had done well enough that my father saw fit for me to carry on his legacy. Half the Clan hated us, but I didn't give a rat's ass if it meant I was useful to him."

The forest was so quiet today, for some reason. Vertigo was beginning to feel like he was the only thing making a sound.

"In hindsight, it's pathetic how starved I was for my parents' affection."

And even though he'd promised himself not to be anymore, Vertigo wasn't sure if he'd truly conquered that.

When Wanfur mentioned BloodClan, Vertigo cast a glare toward the anti-Clanners who's stench he'd learned to identify a mile away. They'd really fucked up lately, attacking half the Clans at this very meeting; why were they even allowed here?

Then the cream tabby then turned his eyes to Wanfur. "If DarkClan needs any assistance, SunClan will be available to them." Especially if it involved BloodClan. He'd been meaning to send a representative to them to help strengthen ties, but things had been busy. "We will also keep a look out for Yellowstar."

Vertigo had to resist a smile at that. He could picture the two of them, so young, saying those things that seemed silly but only because they were so simple, so innocent. He remembered his own childhood crush, even though he wasn't sure if his feelings for Willowpaw had ever been mutual like it appeared Dragonkit's was.

All the warmth faded when Dragonkit asked him why. Why did these things happen? Especially to Dragonkit, as young as he was? If Vertigo could stop it, he would. It would spare him and his children so much heartbreak. "Death is a part of life. If we didn't have one, we couldn't have the other." He supposed that was only logical, but it never felt fair. "Things are always changing... cats will come and go throughout your life, and sometimes it'll hurt."

The cream tabby held himself firmly in place, so that Dragonkit could lean on him. "I only wish I'd been able to protect you from it until you were older." He felt like he'd failed Dragonkit. Already the young tom was hurting and Vertigo couldn't help but feel like it was his fault. Why was it that he could never stop the suffering of those he loved?

Vertigo stepped forward, seeing that Frostbite seemed to be having difficulty getting into Renegadeblood. Considering all the trouble she'd given him, he wouldn't be passing up the opportunity to exploit any information she might possess if he could help it.

"If there's anything else you need from her, I can help." The cream tabby offered to his half-brother. "I'm sure if we both suppressed her telepathy, she wouldn't be able to withhold anything from you."

Vertigo was about to elaborate on his request, but Permafrost spoke before he could. The cream tabby nodded, "Yes, the names and ranks of her parents, if you can manage that much. We need to better understand her position in the Clan in order to correctly assess her importance."

Her outburst made the tom's ears pin back, but he remained calm; "Please. Unlike BloodClan, we have better things to do than split apart families and terrorize your young. I'll have you know that you bastards stole my son; for you to worry about me harming your kittens, therefore, is delightfully ironic." Especially considering he spared her life to protect the litter she was currently pregnant with, and gave her access to their Medic! She was getting soft treatment compared to what any SunClan prisoners would be getting on the other end of things. God, it pissed him off how she acted so put-upon. She could have had it a lot worse.

Vertigo listened and when Wishfulthinking mentioned promoting another Medic, he was quick to nod; "Yes, of course. You've had quite the workload lately, I'd welcome you having an extra set of paws to help." He'd really never been involved with the Medics' affairs, anyway. They understood what they were doing and who was suited to the job much more than he did. Still, he much appreciated Wishfulthinking consulting him on it first -- it was important that he know these things.

Well, that certainly hadn't been what he was expecting to hear.

"You want to leave?" The cream tabby was in a state of shock at first. Honestly, after everything Vertigo had tried to do to keep him safe? What had he done wrong? Had he failed again? A sense of hurt and defeat fell over his expression, followed shortly thereafter by such an overwhelming fatigue that the tom almost collapsed into a sitting position. In such a state, Vertigo probably looked pathetic, his countenance weak and his body still bearing the recent injuries of battle.

"I don't understand, I--" His voice failed him and he diverted his eyes, "-- I've tried so hard to make sure that you and your siblings stayed safe. I know BloodClan took you, I know I failed you then, but I... I tried to make up for it," Suddenly the cream tabby's words were quivering and he wasn't sure why his composure was leaving him; surely, of the two of them, Vertigo should have been the more calm. "I traded my life to keep you safe, Dragon. I've tried, I really have. Even if it wasn't enough... I did everything I could..."

His form trembled, his eyes closing and his fangs baring in an expression of anguish. He had to calm down. But something like this was the very thing he'd been afraid of; from the moment he saw that Dragonkit had been missing, and that, worse, he'd been imprisoned by an enemy Clan, Vertigo felt like he had failed miserably as both a leader and as a father. What kind of parent let their child get stolen right out from under their nose? After all his promises to provide for his children more than his own parents did for him -- to be a better parent to them than his own had ever tried to be -- he'd completely fucked up. But he'd thought, maybe he could still fix it. No matter what it took. That was why he'd done what he had; he knew that handing himself over to BloodClan was a terrible strategic maneuver for SunClan, but it was the only way he knew how to get his son back safely. Yes, Vertigo cared about SunClan. He cared about it and every cat within it more than he ever imagined he could before the day he became leader. But his children still meant worlds more. And now he was finding out that it was still too much for them. They wanted to leave. Wanted to abandon him like so many others had during his life.

Taking a long moment to inhale, exhale, the cream tabby tried to forcibly still his shaking body. "But I don't really have a choice, do I?" He smiled, a weak smile that faltered moments after, "I know you'll go even if I tell you not to. And it's not like I can hold you prisoner." His voice held a tone of dry humor. Sure, it was within Vertigo's power to command that Dragonkit be held in SunClan against his will. But he couldn't think of a quicker way to destroy his relationship with his son. "From now until you return, I will entrust RiverClan with your safety. But you are still a member of SunClan," Finally he tried to meet Dragonkit's eyes, "You are my son, and it is my responsibility to raise you. To train you to hunt, and fight, and be the best warrior you can possibly be. I won't have anyone else doing it for me."

He rose back to a stand, moving forward and pressing his muzzle to the top of his son's head in a gesture of affection.

"But never forget that you promised to come back... no son of mine will break his word."

[ ooc. sorry, muse is running dry </3 ]

[ ic. ]
So Permafrost could relate. The cream tabby listened quietly to the serval as he reciprocated by sharing his own thoughts, discussing how he had once tried to please his family -- now dead and gone, much like most of Vertigo's own -- and that, now, SunClan had been the only place he'd started to feel differently. That was a shame, really. He wished for Permafrost's sake that the serval had found a better place to feel important. Vertigo had already come to terms with the fact that the Clan he led was still running rampant with resentment and internal strife; it all made for a very oppressive atmosphere. It was a difficult place to live in. But as much as he would like the luxury to 'pack his bags' and leave, at times, Vertigo knew it was his burden to carry.

"I suppose we all strive for acceptance in some form or another," Vertigo sighed, one of his ears cocking off-center as he closed his eyes in thought. "And for whatever reason, SunClan is in short supply of it."

He was aware that the serval hadn't been greeted with open arms by quite a few of his Clanmates, especially since Vertigo had promoted him. That was surely contributing to the concerns that Permafrost now voiced. But he only closed his eyes, shook his head. "But you have earned something. You earned my trust. It doesn't matter to me whether or not the others believe you deserve the promotion; you risked your life for me and the Clan, thus proving your loyalty. How long you've been here has no bearing on that." Then a grave seriousness infiltrated his expression and he turned his eyes to Permafrost, "Giving me or anyone else the reason to suspect you of disloyalty will get you demoted just as quickly. ... But you haven't. And as long as that remains the truth, they have no grounds to complain."

Vertigo rose up to his feet, a look of surprise overtaking his expression. "She left? Why?" Then the anger returned, "What, did she leave with my bastard of a father?" He spat the words with venom, a growl rising in his throat. "Do you understand, Permafrost? This is what I mean. Loyalty is a scarcity here. Cats turns their backs SunClan all the time -- apparently I can't even expect to trust my own co-leader. Every time I think I can depend on someone, I turn my head, and they take the first chance they can get to stab me in the back. Am I that miserable of a leader? Is it me who can't be trusted?"

His heated words were interrupted when the serval pressed a matter that Vertigo knew he would now have to handle. The cream tabby could only sigh, sitting himself back down and trying to remain calm. Yes, yes. It wasn't as if he hadn't faced setback before; he would have to keep a level head and handle it the best way he knew how. But oh, was he growing tired of that. You could only get kicked down so many times before you were tired of getting back up. How much longer would he handle this before he, too, was asking to be put out of his misery?

"... I'll be sure to handle it." That was all he could bring himself to say. "But we won't chase Lovestar down and beg her to come back. She's certainly capable of making her own decisions. If those decisions involve her deserting the Clan, it's better that she's gone."

To think that a small part of Vertigo had begun to feel for her. The cream tabby could only curl his lips in a snarl and remain still, silent.

[Size=8pt] When Vertigo entered the room, it wasn't that he saw the affection in Frostbite's mannerisms but rather felt it when the tom established a mental connection between them to speak. While listening to the accusations attributed to Magnus, he was briefly overwhelmed by the sense of brotherly affection, unable to distinguish whether it had come from Frostbite or if it was perhaps his own. His eyes were warm, then, for the instant he cast his eyes toward the other cream tom in mild confusion, but the look was as brief as it was sudden.

He pushed it out of mind for the time being, feeling anger and concern both churn in his stomach. "These are serious accusations," He started, appearing conflicted. "Permafrost, would you bring him here? This needs to be addressed immediately." He would have sent Spencer, but the female, despite being an Enforcer, was still young -- he didn't want to put her in danger under the circumstance that Magnus refused to come peacefully. He doubted that would be an issue, but with such suspicious behavior, Vertigo would rather be safe.[/size]

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The tom mirrored Magnus' nod as the serval entered, showing him a similar gesture of respect even though the other male was lower in rank. Despite the fact that Vertigo was leader, he did not think he was the Star Forest's gift to SunClan who's every action and word had to be worshipped -- he considered many of his Clanmates his equals, his "co-workers", and usually it was only when they showed him disrespect that he would follow in suit.

"Of course. What's on your mind?" This would be his first one-on-one conversation with Magnus, though he had seen and heard much about him as of late. Most curiously, he'd noticed that Cremekit was quite taken with the serval ever since he found them all on the outskirts of BloodClan, and believed that though he heard many complaints about the serval's attitude, the kindness Magnus showed to his daughter must be worth something. Whether the serval was doing it out of the goodness of his heart or for some ulterior motive, Vertigo couldn't yet claim to know.

"I admit it may have been a rash decision," Vertigo closed his eyes and tilted his head, deciding that while he could have beaten around the bush about why he chose to promote Magnus, he would be honest. "But I saw potential in you. You protected SunClan's young, including my own children --" And he did not just mean Cremekit, but also Mayziekit and Dragonkit, both of whom's lives were in grave danger, "-- from BloodClan, despite the danger to you. It was rash, yes, and I wouldn't advise doing it again, but it was also brave, and indicated a willingness to put your life on the line to defend your Clanmates. There is no greater quality I would rather have in my subordinates. Your age has no bearing on that." Opening his eyes again, he rested them on the young serval. "Now, whether you prove yourself to me or not is up to you; all I've done is provide you the opportunity."

Maintaining a calm and unflinching eye contact, he went on, "As for the Clan's general opinion of you, SunClan has never exactly sung my praises, either; even today there are times where I still find myself unable to sleep without keeping one eye open. To an extent, I can try to protect you. Your Clanmates should not disrespect you, as you should not disrespect them, and I will punish either party should I see it happening. But ultimately -- and I know it's probably not what you want to hear -- you need a thick skin to survive in this Clan. The responsibility is immense. It can be a thankless job. And if you think that will be too much for you, you are welcome to step down, or even find a Clan that you feel better suited to."

The words themselves could easily be seen as a threat; something along the lines of, 'if you don't like it, kid, you can get lost'. But Vertigo didn't mean them in such a way. Not at all. The SunClan that existed now had become a very oppressive environment, one that the cream tabby was worried about watching his children grow up in, knowing that it would take their innocence far earlier than it should have been taken... and he worried not just for them, but all of SunClan's young. With that in mind, he meant every word to Magnus with sincerity and a genuine concern for the serval's well-being. Even if Magnus had come to them from BloodClan, that made little difference to Vertigo; as long as his cats were loyal to SunClan, where they'd come from was trivial, and so his desire to keep the serval safe and well-cared for, in turn, was no different than what he felt for any native SunClanner.

"Don't get me wrong -- I would be very disappointed if you were to do so," Vertigo didn't want the serval to misunderstand him. "But if that's what you feel is best, I won't stop you." After all, Lovestar had done it. Dragonkit had done it. Frostbite, Icebreaker, and countless others had done it.

One more wouldn't break his heart.

"Stop," Vertigo stepped forward, only slightly into Permafrost's path. He had been deep in thought since Frostbite commented that the female was the offspring of their enemy's leader, but now things were quickly getting out of hand. Could he understand the serval's anger? Yes, very much so. But he didn't want the situation escalating into something that couldn't be undone. "Don't let her goad you into doing anything rash. She's not worth making any stupid mistakes over." Briefly his eyes went to Frostbite; he knew why the tom was uncomfortable. All the talk of Coppermine must have been resonating with the bit of the BloodClan's leader's soul that resided within Vertigo's own half-brother.

Still, he had no idea what to do with them. The apprentice was hardly useful to them, but really, what use was Renegadeblood, either? If Coppermine didn't care a lick about her, she couldn't be used as a bargaining tool. Surely there wasn't much more information they could drag out of her, either. It's not like she'd been back at home negotiating battle plans with the rest of BloodClan's authority. Maybe it would be better to kill her.

But he had a question, first.

"You're awfully quick to defend a Clan that doesn't seem to give a shit about you or your children." Vertigo turned on the female, eyes narrowed. "Why is that?"

For whatever reason, that struck a nerve in Vertigo. Family, huh. Just because you shared blood didn't mean shit. He'd learned that the hard way. What made it worse was that, not too long ago, he knew he'd probably say the same thing if he'd been in her position. Now he couldn't care less about 'family'. He cared about his children more than anything, but just about everyone else who shared his blood had ruined all forms of his trust.

"Well, then," The cream tabby retorted, his voice calm but laced with bitter hatred, "I hope for your sake that they return the sentiment. Until they come to rescue you, you can sit there and starve." They were treating her a little too well if she thought she could fight back; they had better uses for their food anyway. He rose up to his feet. "We'll see which one happens first."

Part of him wanted to see her faith in her family destroyed. Was that such a bad thing? Something so trivial managed to get under his skin, that she could sit there and talk about how she didn't care how her Clan treated her because they were family -- the idealistic concept reminded him so bitterly of himself that he wanted to see it ruined. She needed to learn that life didn't work that way. That there was a time when she would have to wake up and realize that she had two choices; she'd either make her own way, or she'd die waiting for someone who would never come for her.

And if she was important enough, good for her. He'd give her back. Not like it did him much good having her sitting and rotting on his territory anyway.

Without another word on the matter, Vertigo cast a glance toward both of his Clanmates, his eyes softening briefly on both of them as he departed.

[ ooc. I KNOW THIS IS LATE BUT I HAD ONE MORE THING THAT NEEDED TO BE SAID ]

[ ic. ]
Vertigo had nothing to reply with, then; all he could do was smile. Such a genuine look of warmth and comfort eased over the tom's body, one that he had not adorned in moons, that seemed almost alien on the face of a cat who was typically so diplomatic and emotionally detached. For all his own concerns and his guilt, he knew he could bear it so long as he had his children. As long as they loved and looked up to him, he would be strong.

"I love you too, Dragon." He permitted his son to lean on him, touching his muzzle to the top of Dragonkit's small head. "I always will."

At her next words, he almost felt like he was being rebuked. Had he done something wrong? Had something occurred to make the position so abject to her? He wanted to ask, and part of him even wanted to apologize, but he found himself unable to, permitting her to leave without an effort to stop her. He supposed nothing good would come of brooding over it.