— look i'm just going through a rough patch because when am i not going through one? but this isn't mild turbulence . it's one more shot away from an ambulance . it's words spilling out of my mouth that sound like i'm in the process of selling myself to a funeral home ; it's thin black water i'm calling ink because my writing's run dry ; it's the smell of hospital beds where once i sat in the emergency room holding a bleeding nose and doing my history homework . once i sat in the emergency room with a broken wrist while some kid with a broken collar tried to unwrap a muffin and cried when he couldn't do it . and once i sat in the part of the hospital they put you in when the person you love is in a room and dying . this is what that feels like - i feel like i'm in the waiting room of a doctor's office and when i step through the door i'm either gonna find out this was all in my head or there's really something wrong here . i don't have much time to live for right now . i'm in a weird state of being absolutely awful while still being totally okay .
— i set boundaries and i built walls so that no one can reach the scattered pieces of my soul . but then he came and i let him decipher me . i slowly let those boundaries vanish in the hope that he would put those shattered pieces together . but he who seemed like an angel gave me nothing more than a curse - a curse that left me with no hope and now i am so hollow that i am scared to look within .
— at first the word depression doesn't belong to you: your mother writes off your self-destruction as over-dramatics because you're too young to be broken . and besides . what bad thing has even happened to you yet . you don't deserve a real diagnosis . so you keep the condition under your skin . wondering if your apathy is something everyone goes through . you don't want to be seen as causing trouble again . so you sit down and shut up and decide that you're absolutely fine . that you're just going through a rough patch . so what that one night while babysitting the neighbors you take a pair of scissors to the inside of your left arm and discover this is what being alive is like? you are not depressed . but you take to writing wake up on the inside of your wrist as if pleading with yourself to find feeling again . it's not an addiction . even though you come home from a perfectly good day and end up cutting your skin . and only being able to sleep when you're bleeding . but no . you've just got a strong darkness even though there's no way out of this .
— sometimes i have so much to say i end up saying nothing at all . i used to be a marble sculpture of a man but recently instead i've been a sidewalk . cracked and stepped on and stretched out and unpretty . someone told me i eat sadness like it's the air i breathe . i didn't tell them my diet is mostly liquor and disease . i fuck boys before i know them . and when they get close to me . i leave . pills don't help and i don't want them anyways . parents don't cry when you blame your depression . they say 'that's not a real reason .' i'm not tired because i've been up all night planning my suicide . i'm tired because i haven't been doing my homework . maybe i would stop feeling empty if i would just have a real meal already . it's not as bad as i'm making it out to be . can't i see that everyone is suffering? we're all just really excellent procrastinators . everyone's putting off dying until the last possible second . i just happen to be getting a head start on this one particular project .
— insomnia . as diagnosed by a doctor who smells like tobacco . when you tell your boyfriend . he inhales a cigarette and says 'everyone has it .' your sheets are stained with sweat and you take pills that don't let you wake up from nightmares . anxiety . first in class . noticed when you started tearing at the skin next to your fingerprints and organizing your pens obsessively . you are reading the medical report next to him when he says that he thinks anxiety is just your mind letting society in . you cannot breathe in movie theaters . and spend concerts wondering which direction you would run if someone came in with a gun . you knit your fingers as tightly together as you can so you do not hold him with your sweaty palms . depression . re-diagnosed as 'lazy' by your mother and 'too tired' by your lover . a blanket term you're learning means wanting to swallow bleach and step in front of fast cars . you instead chase the bitter realization with self-harm . blades in the places he should be holding you tighter . burn scars on the back of your thighs and he doesn't even notice . just fucks you without the lights . and you realize he wouldn't even care if you wound up dead .
— these yellowed motel sheets that smell of piss and heat and sex . carpet worn to the nub . this phone that rings . this jarring . (it happens all at once .) you are flooded with a manic self-combustion . you want to open your veins and find out if there really are rattle snakes inside of you . hissing into your bloodstream . or if it'll be cheap bourbon that'll spill out instead . man . you aren't on the run . you're running . this doesn't feel like triumph any more than a battlefield feels like a board game . yes . you are still playing . but this time the cigarettes will kill you before the guns do . your own holy body betraying you before he can even touch you .
— sometimes i think god is the sound of dad's rusted pickup shuddering awake and carrying itself down the road while the rest of us are waiting for the smoke . these hands of mine . they look nothing like my mother's . nothing like my father's . maybe like your hands when you aren't conjuring them into barbed wire or church mud . remember the first time we met? you were leaning out the back of that paramedic's van . arms covered in blood not belonging to you . body as heavy as unspilled rain . you had no wings . and your angel halo was debris from the housefire . i thought i must be dreaming . because who knew angels could tremble when they unwound gauze? you tell me the war is elsewhere . that i have to leave to see it . but the real war's right here . it's in mom's eyes when i cut my hair down to nothing and it's in dad's shoulders when i sit at the dinner table . all thick-soled boots and exposed shins and knowledge that i am damned for the pyre no matter how bright you glow when you call for me .
— i forgot i had fists today . my heart decided to be a vicious warrior . punch after punch . does it seek a glory? i'm washing my hands . they shine like red sunsets when i first found paradise . am i murderer? or did i kill all my thoughts in self defense? angels are talking behind my ear . they don't sound like the cruel laughter . i know . they never leave (everyone always does .) should i call this love a lie? for the first time i think i could be holy . i almost smile . my lips are full of ruby lies . smooth criminal dancing in forgotten light . put on trail for breaking . yesterday i tried to burn my mind i left three bodies fading behind me back (all were mine mine mine .) forgive me father for leaving those marks . mother says heaven doesn't want me anymore .
— there ain't nothing beautiful about shaky hands holding a cigarette and empty eyes staring at the cracks in the walls . you know what is beautiful . instead? the days when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile . scars and all ; music that makes your soul flow like a river ; books that offer comfort ; families flocking together like overgrown birds to keep you safe and warm ; friends that give you strength when you can find none ; lovers who make you laugh through tears . baby . from now on you are going to romanticize healing ; honey dripping down your fingertips ; august nights that stick to your skin ; the day you find your purpose ; long car rides and singing so loud that no one can shut you up now . bad news: no one is coming to save you .
— they ask me why i ignore the people that love me ; why i always space out ; why my hands always shake ; why i don't trust harder . i tell them i am in love with life but i hate living it . i tell them i want to be more than this . i tell them i am disappearing within myself . i tell them to not look for me . i tell them i'm just trying to cope with the fact we exist . and one day we won't . but they never listen . they don't understand . and they tell me to stop crying . to start facing reality when i have faced reality and it destroyed me .
— you're asking me what i want for breakfast and i'm telling you about how when the worst thing happened . i didn't even cry . you're handing me a receipt from the laundromat down the street and i'm passing you a bundle of letters i wrote to god when i was fourteen and scared . you're passing me the milk after you drip it into your coffee and i'm half laughing about the psychiatrist's office and how there's actually a couch and it's made of blue tweed . you're trying to do the normal things and i am throwing up dull pieces of truth onto our kitchen table . i can't lie anymore . these are the things i've done and they're mostly sad . these are the places i've been and they're mostly awful . this life has woven itself into the notches of my spine and i hear it creak every time i stand .
— what a thing . to be both starving and empty . to ache for love - to take scraps from it's table . and yet . run sickly from the feast . you can't fathom why i'd gobble your kisses but duck your attention . please . understand - some of us have gone so long hungry . the idea of being full feels worse than the affliction .
— first days of summer and the sky is already a thunderstorm . heat swelling under the skin-surface in swathes of hyacinth clouds . i bruise like a peach . my body has become fruit flesh . we rot away until these bones are stripped bare and the ground is littered with our limbs like a graveyard . it's hard to not talk about angels because it's hard not to talk about dying . and every time i try to sleep i end up dreaming of cherry pits and skeletons with wings . i am tired of it hurting more often than not . sometimes i think that god is already buried six feet under .
— happiness is this: not crying after every nightmare . after every opening of your eyes . after every setting son . not flinching at their cutting words . their cutting glances . cutting thorns on your fingers . not caring about your sister's pain or your mother's disgust or everyone else's gain . not engaging in any of it . not taking their bait to join the massacre parade . not breaking with every shattered scream . not stepping down from your mountain of discarded skins . happiness is this: laughing but not aching . talking but not gasping . standing still and not tripping or falling or dissolving into the ashes under your feet . it is untangling your heart from your lungs . untangling their fingers from your mind . bending and twisting and snapping and adhering . happiness is this: not staying . not seeing . not getting touched . drifting further away from what your parents made . it is not believing . not telling the truth . not using their words . words that weren't made for you . it is looking them in the eye and not saying you're fine . saying you're amazing . saying you've never been better . happiness is this: not feeling emptied or stuffed . not being she or he or they but that . that statue . that paper doll . that ghost of a soul . bleeding but not bleeding out . screaming but not burning down . smiling but not feeling your heart break . not caring not caring not caring . but festering in savage detachment . happiness is this: not being lost in oceans of maybe and soon and one day . it is this ; being the fire that burns you . filled by it . subsisting on it . being the monster that cannot be killed .
— death is too easy and too simple . we all know how it goes . but believe me . the hardest thing in the world is to live . and to live for something . something that burns the soul . something hard to forget .
— sometimes i think about the people i used to be and sometimes i think about how many of them i had to end . and i often think about how many more i must become . until i finally learn how to let go and begin .
— because sometimes it never makes any sense: the more i try to forget . the more everything reminds me . the more i try to run away . the closer i am to it all . the more i try to different . the more i realize i am the same . because sometimes nothing ever makes any sense but also because sometimes what does not make sense is everything i need to define all that i feel .
— lost dreams . lost hearts . and lost minds . everyone is living inside of something or someone . walking slowly . searching the searched over and over . all we could do is wait . we wait till one of us escapes . we wait till one of us returns . and every once in a while we wait for something or someone to remind us what life is like on the other side .
— there are ways of understanding people that do not require words . if you look close enough you could see a lot of life and a little bit of death burning through their eyes . sometimes it says more than we could ever explain or imagine about ourselves .
— i found hell in my head and heaven in other people ; they could never collide at the same time . and when they did i was still burning in the fire . sometimes i feel like my life is a wild beast trapped in an unlocked cage . and it is awfully afraid of what lies on the other side . that is what hell is like ; having something viciously brilliant inside of you . but not believing in it enough to set it free .
— as i got older . i realized how bad it was . i lost a lot of people growing up . some would smile and then try to destroy me . or destroy themselves . i had to learn how to tell the difference between laughter and screams . between a flower and a knife . between a violent welcome and a gentle goodbye . that's how it was . that's how it still is .
— sometimes i wake up feeling like i need something to exhaust the darkness in me . because i know there is a light somewhere in here . but it keeps leaving and it keeps coming back . and every time it returns it reminds me to keep going . to keep searching . for something raw and for something real .
— i could never take myself too seriously . i wanted the whole world to smile with me . and i wanted to fill their empty spaces with laughter so when i departed from their eyes . their hearts would remember how beautiful it is to feel .
— listen . i am not someone who is easy to love . i am not someone who is to be taken lightly . and most of all . i am not someone to burn . for i am the fire . my soul is on fire and everything i live to touch becomes one with the fire . so ask yourself if you are willing to burn . because the moment you open yourself to me . i will have no choice but to scorch everything that defines you . and without regret . i will devour and i will leave nothing behind .
— take his hands . take them by the teeth . because you are something wild . something terrible . and he never knew how to love you in a way that inflamed you . in a way that gnawed at your bones . are you still trying to swallow the stars? are you still trying to let the light burn through? you wanted to leave something besides a blood trail . besides prayers growing stale on your tongue . you could give them your body . your flesh . offer it up like a sacrifice . like a banquet . would it be enough? could they carve a story from your veins? when your mother tells you about your birth . she says it like myth . like pain and blessings and something pink and precious . she never tells you that you were born angry . with too many teeth . it all adds up to this: the hollow chest . the bruised neck . the shaking hands . your body . the triumvirate of unholy things .
— we cling to music . to poems . to quotes . to writing . to art because we desperately do not want to be alone . we want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling . we want someone to explain the things we can't .
— i think the hardest thing i've come to realize over these tumultuous few months is that no one truly needs me . i'm no longer a permanent fixture in anyone's life . i can glide in and out and have no effect and not be missed . it hurts to know that i can be so temporary to those whom remain permanently imprinted on my mind
— you can find ares in the pooling blood seeping from your bruised knuckles and dripping , dropping , plinking on the bathroom floor . find him in the mirror when you see hatred staring back , i dare you to . he smells like sweet decay and his laughter can break bones and when he kisses you pretty pain shoots through your lips and you'll love it . because he tastes like blood and metal fire and ash and his smile holds daggers that will tear through your throat in a second . under him you'll pray: grant me mercy , grant me peace , grant me victory , and he will laugh and you will shatter and you will find him in the pieces he left behind .
— that winter , we all took turns drowning in the lake ; we would submerge ourselves under the ice , teeth chattering , inhaling frigid lungfuls of pond water like we'd never learned the meaning of oxygen . ma told us once that facing your fears was not grasping at straws and hoping you got the short end , but every night before we jumped in we talked about collapsing stars , about how dying was the only thing we had left to look forward to fear , and meeting it half way was the closest we'd ever come to feeling complete .
— you are a demon living in glorious eden , walking among real angels . painting your lips with the lie that you are holy . hoping that if you ever bleed , your blood will be gold instead of black . and you know their blood is gold , don't you? because you have watched their brothers and sisters bleed . you have felt their wings under your claws and their necks under your teeth and their ichor under your tongue . you have not forgotten the taste of honey - sweet blood . they call you a savior , not realizing they've adopted a monster . and when they touch you , you have to bite back screams . because never has heaven's touch felt more like a cocktail of agony and euphoria . they don't know what you are . yet . but they whisper about you . they talk of your calloused feet . the mangled hands with nails that look like they've been torn . (you may have ripped off your claws but the beast inside has its own pair) . heaven's children murmur about how you shield your eyes . because all they'd need to see is the oblivion within to know that you are not god's child . " i'm like them , " you tell yourself , " i am one of them . " you are not . while they drink blessed wine and laugh like melodies , you will taste ash and choke on laughter you cannot make . they are holiness draped in silk . you are chaos drenched in glory - blood . " may god bless you , " they say . but the only blessing you deserve is death .
— the human thigh bone is stronger than concrete , a boy in a man's body tells me , sucking down a joint and trying to kill himself quietly . the funny thing is that we weren't built to break , that our bodies are so strong it takes trucks to overturn us . the funny thing is , we designed ourselves to survive but forgot to make our souls strong . sometimes people talk to me about the invincibility of the human spirit and i think that sounds really pretty but doesn't solve problems like how teenagers are taking their own lives off of shelves as if they were thieves in a seven eleven . they say that the human spirit can endure anything thrown at it , but then how come so many of us hate ourselves so hard we can't see straight for it? once a boy told me he just wanted to make me forget everything but the happiness his fingers could pull out of my body , but you can't make love to someone's mind . the human thigh bone is stronger than the buildings we keep killing ourselves in . there is a big difference between being alive and living .
— i've never believed in destiny . no , the stars never whispered my name , my future . i grabbed my own fate with two hungry hands , pulling and pushing and molding my life , leaving smudges and dirty fingerprints all over a once clean soul . my mistakes belong entirely to me . no , the stars never mapped out a path for me to follow , never planned my downfall , my triumphs . i rule the stars , not the other way around . i take their dust and inject it in my veins ; i breathe in their light as i live .
— some people are just born to fight , i think . it's not that they're born brave . it's not that they're born strong . it's just that the universe has decided that this one , this one will have grit and fire and steel in their blood . and it'll be tested , this cosmic mettle of theirs . they'll face trial after trial , be broken and damaged in countless ways . but this one was born to fight . maybe it's not the life they would have chosen . maybe they'd love to lay down their arms . but they were born to fight . it's what they know . it's what they do best . it's all they can do .
— back alley angels , concrete kings , we recycle prayers like plastic bottles and wish the wings would wither off our backs . they ask us if we're holy and we bind our wrists with garbage bags and swear to never speak the blasphemy that bristles on our lips . darling , we are modern martyrs , , purging promises with dime store bourbon and pawn shop cigarettes , hoping that in the ruin of our bodies we will find something purer than the piety that wrecks our hearts , that stain our hands . at night , we drink ourselves to pieces and i can feel a baseline beating in my bones . they ask me if i miss the taste of ichor and i tell them " not if i pump my lungs so full of starlight that my tears turn to rivers and run silver in my veins . "
— judas promises that one day , we will stop bleeding out in dark allies , waiting for the louder silence to swallow us like lightning bugs and trampled wheatgrass . we take turns slipping out of our skins , jumping into one another's until our own become unrecognizable , flesh draped over hallowed bones too tightly , too vast in its familiarity . gabriel's wings are all golden flames and ebony , printed with coming dawn and tragedy , and he tells us the story of their creation while we all take turns diving off the canyon into ravines below . " be careful , " he warns . " you are birds with broken wings . you were never meant to leave the ground . "
— i'm getting bad again ; at night my hands shake , and the words scraping the walls of my skull stick like rusted needles in my throat , half digested and yet fully whole . i'm getting sad again ; for hours i sit and press my numb heart to a canvas , hoping that the colors bleeding across it will make something more beautiful than the turmoil that's cracking my ribs . but when your name flashes on my screen - " are you ok? " i say: " yes . " because when you speak to me your voice breathes light and flower petals into my lungs , and the cracks in my ribs don't feel important anymore . how could i dampen something as happy as us with something as cold and lonely as this? the canvas will stay behind my back , at least for now . maybe i will tell you on another day .
— i am pieces of quotes from my favorite books stitched together by song lyrics and i am glued together by midnight conversations and the sweet taste of coffee and i have this tendency to fall apart suddenly . and i need you to somehow be okay with this because i am created by the souls who are brave enough to gather all my tattered pieces and put me back together , and oh god how i would love to be whole again .
— the boy , who looks all soft and angel , doesn't make it out alive . the volcano gets him . a sudden hurricane . he's swallowed by quicksand or other untimely acts of god . i have to tell you that before everything , before i let you know that his left hand is larger than his right , or how he counts among everything insects as wonderful things with wings . before i tell you about the music , his quiet stories about his dad's brown guitar , you have to know first that he dies . when he dies it'll be his eyes we notice , the way they shutter suddenly like blinds on a broken window of an abandoned house .
— doctor says the incisions will only heal if i hold warm saltwater in my mouth . so there's a wound inside me and i am bathing it in oceans of sorrow in order to move forward . repeat after me: somewhere the moon rises out of the rain . somewhere icarus crawls out of the sea , unburned and alive . somewhere we are polishing the word absence with our tongues and learning not to be terrified of all we lack . ache first , yes , but then let the cuts close . spit out the blood . watch your body pull itself back together , in spite of the lost wings , the stolen bones , the halted songs . watch your body pull itself back together , then let your soul do the same .
— the apocalypse begins in colorado , between rounds of war games in the flower gardens . mama used to say it would start with the water running red and fire riding the sunbeams down to this godforsaken rock ; grandma used to say that it would be redemption . it starts with lightning , and david whispers " i bet you a dollar that we come out unscathed , " and i laugh , and keep laughing , until flowers crawl up my throat , and shake his hand . gabriel wraps his wings around mary , all aching serendipity and collapsing sunflowers , and neither are sure if the timing is right , or if it even exists , now , but they decide - " the ends of the times are here , shut up and kiss me ." michael grabs his tunic , grabs his war paint , grabs his remorse from where he'd abandoned it among coral reef beds and obsidian , and allows himself a moment to grieve for the coming chaos and ruin . he stares lucifer in the eyes , and offers hi condolences . raphael asks for my shoes , and i offer him my body , all thorns and dehydration and spite . he refuses , and i remind him of the war , tell him , " i need to be something bigger than myself , this time . i need to be stomachache and burning bushes and a messiah's favorite flavor ." he parts his lips , softly ; murmurs , " you'll become all that without my help , darlin' . you just gotta keep the fire goin' when we can't . "
— true friends leave their daggers in the glove compartment and carry spray - paint cans to make daises to cover the 'we're all damned' billboards instead , late at sunset when the coming night looks like bruised arms and our legs get wet from climbing through the cricket laden grasses and up the tall body of the sign . our scratched - raw hands , our black jeans ripped at the knees , our solidarity . i'd like to think there are angels , and i'd like to think they're watching . from the hillsides , in the weeds , as owls or armadillos , black - eyes and remembering fire . angels , do our hearts look like balloons in our chests , or bouquets of roses? does it hurt to look at us in sin? or do the blooms we leave covering other people's sins make you feel better? do you remember love when it used to look like a molten rock? how god made it into a sphere? how we're all spheres circling each other , trying to hold on to any hints of gravity and tenderness that we can?
— crack glass against the wall and revel in the shards , this is your heart on the ground , sharp edged glory and linoleum . you are mismatched , mistaken , mislead . you are whole and apart and inbetween . break your own bones , bend them into stars and the shape of the sun , know that they are beautiful . bend them into concrete brick and stone wall , know that they are strong . your mouth molds words you were taught not to speak . that drumbeat call to war you feel against your ribs is the breath in your lungs , in , out and in again . steady now , your hands are shaking .
— my villains got me locked in a cage , but they don't know i have the key . i haunt the shadows with a gun in each hand and a smirk on my lips . this tortured soul has had enough , i've got a taste for blood and vengeance and i'm dying to hear their screams .
— " when is a martyr not a martyr? " he asks over afternoon tea , the evening i run away for the third time and return three hours later , crying into my cassette tapes and splintered knuckles . i still cannot meet his eyes . i pull my fingers over the hyacinth petals , the ones on his countertop from three weeks ago , over and over , until it feels more like cowardice , more like hiding . he grabs my hands , turns it into butterflies , his irises a radar of warmth and starlight , and he mumbles the question again . i hum in response , baritone meeting static for the first time , and he paints my arms gold , magicks my mouth into sunrise so i'll give him an answer , and he replies , " when he saves everyone but himself . " the meaning sinks in , and he holds my shoulders while i tremble myself into an earthquake ; frantic , my hair becomes snakes , becomes wisps of smoke , becomes moonlight . i shiver into a new dawn .
— i was at the dinner table the first time someone told me , " god does not exist . " i haven't had a dream since then . sometimes , i imagine dying like it's a good magic trick - sometimes i imagine dying and it feels like driving home . often , i want to pry open the mouth of a lion , cut out her tongue , and wait for her to fight back with just teeth . what i mean to say is i'm nothing to scream about . nothing to shine a light on or give a pair of hands to . what i mean to say is i'm just another way out of the ocean . what i mean to say is i drove home from my own baptism fully believing i had just narrowly escaped drowning .
— you relearn coming home . you name the broken country inside of you after a language that no one else has the words to . you are forgiveness after a long hard day at work . you are forgiveness with its muddy knees and its sleeves rolled up . you are the first robin that comes back home . you are the honey that runs down everyone's chin . i don't know where you got all that darkness from , but here . . . here there are graveyards big enough to put it down . don't let the haunting stop you from becoming alive again . don't give your ghosts a voice louder than yours .
— in the paradox that is the universe i envy the mindless atoms . i long to drift through time and space without becoming self - aware . awareness leads to realization and realization leads to sadness and i think that i have had enough sadness already . but then again , who am i to put a limit to emotions? who am i to play god like some cruel man beating his fists at the sky with despair? i have not been given the right to decree my own fate and that is something i must swallow without allowing it to linger on my tongue , because i have never been fond of bitterness . and yet i am not given a choice in whether or not to taste it . i would like to meet a man named irony and laugh at him someday . he is everywhere without even realizing it , like atoms .
— in another universe i am a thirteen year old boy with soft hands and bruised shins again , but this time i tell my mother about my day as we fold laundry together . my mother smiles . the summer heat does not feel razor sharp or ready to wound me . my mother laughs . in this other universe my hands are allowed to be mine . but i am trapped here , inside this night like splinters stuck under the skin . this night like the mouth of an angel in exile . this night like an overturned bowl of blood . this night which stretches on landslide - heavy and unending . can you feel how i tremble? there is a stampede in my blood that unworks me . over and over i pick my bones off the floor and sew them back into the shape of a body . isn't that what life is like , running from the ghosts within you that tear you apart at your seams? how many times have i died in the night only to get out of bed the next morning? the chorus is laughing at me , singing , " fragile boy , the lightning will devour you soon , " and it's always soon and i'm always running . in my dreams i name myself sycamore tree . i shed the torments of my youth , i grow wild with sunlight on my tongue , and i survive for centuries . in reality i take a hot shower , pull on clean clothes , and choose to move forward . small moments of tenderness are better than none .
— i think you forget a lot that i am not as strong as i pretend . we were four shots past where we should have stopped and you had already puked once before putting your shaking hands in cold water to wash yourself and your empty mouth clean of alcohol . we lay on your floor with your hand spread like ribbons around you and our hands knit like tree branches and i kissed your neck because i like to be close to where your heart is and you said , " you're a boy , can you explain something to me? " i laughed and i said " i doubt it , " and you continued , " do guys feel sad too? " and the smile on my face cut itself in two because all i could see were the scars you don't know about yet , the emptiness that is slowly choking me , how tired i feel always , the thin blade in the back of my wallet i fished out of my father's pencil sharpener , the nights on my shoulders when i should have called you and asked you to pull me from the river but instead let myself drown just so i had something guilty to feel about in the morning , the fact that there are so many skeletons in my closet they have started to slip out and show up in the mirror . but i shrugged and told you " i don't know , dear . "
— now , do not misunderstand me ; when i call myself a shell i mean a used up bullet casing . as in , the aftermath of something lethal . as in , an echo of inflicted evil .
— but i'm not strong ; i'm weak , and i'm tired , and i'm broken . i've spent so long trying to pretend i wasn't , like if i just said i was happy , i'd eventually heal . but it's like putting a band - aid on a bullet wound .
— i have a heart so heavy i think i might be malfunctioning , but the warranty is probably voided by all the things i have done to cause me own ruin ; like the nights i spend in rooms with people who didn't even like me enough to listen to why i was one step away from crying , or the friends i made in people who were bad ideas in the first place and never text to see if i'm still somehow surviving . like how i let myself sink into emotions so thick they are unhealthy , like how in the back of class i break out into a cold swear because i consider speaking up and answering a question . do you think there's a place i could trade in this body or maybe just rewire my brain? because despite everything i've done i'm still living in pain .
— you can't just remove hurt from your skin like it never happened . people are mobile tattoo machines and the marks they leave on us are pretty easily seen . for example maybe his fingerprints aren't really burned on my skin but i still don't feel clean whenever i think of him and maybe the bones he broke healed long ago but i still flinch when someone raises their voice . maybe i'm technically whole but i still feel like i'm missing my soul . people don't get it . they don't . unless you're covered in blood , they think you're okay . unless your story is raw enough , they dismiss your pain . last night i thought i heard him laughing and i almost passed out . four days ago someone was wearing his cologne in the hallway and i had to throw up . it doesn't wash out . he's still in your hair , but people get tired of hearing you mention it . he's still under your sheets , but people get used to how you don't sleep . it doesn't wash out , you just get better at handling it . my mother says time heals all wounds . it's really that you gain experience in dealing with the pain . i don't know if it ever goes away , you just learn how to be strong despite it one day .
[ just as a side note he’s not visiting his sister here, he just returned from a month long visit to his sister in the city ;0 he’s been living here apart from that time since he was a child ]
it was nice to see friendly faces stalking out of the trees to greet him . the gray walls of the cities were dotted with unfamiliar cats who , more often than not , wanted your head on a platter . they always left , replaced by some other stranger to replace them through mysterious circumstances , and only his sister seemed to be a constant among them . her and skyclan of course . almost nothing changed here , and it was comforting to him .
azurepetal’s words brought a soft , bittersweet smile onto his features , but he greeted her nevertheless , accepting her invitation by gently bumping his own nose with hers then stepped back to reply . ” I know ... my visit turned out longer than I expected , “ a tepid sigh escaped his lips , eyes lifting up to stare pensively towards the distance in though . “ it’s getting colder but even two years alone in the wilderness ain’t enough to convince her to join us . “ stubborn as a mule , that one . stubborn and , frankly , stupid , but there was nothing he could do short of dragging her here by force or simply leaving for his monthly visits . one of these days it’d get them both killed , but he’d patiently wait until then . once you had death nipping at your heals once , it didn’t scare you that much anymore .
before he could reply to azurepetal’s next statement , the soft patter of paws in the foliage soon gave way to a small , only vaguely familiar face , though the name remained confidently upon his tongue . copperkit , likely paw by now , in what appeared to be his whole , curious glory . a grin broke out through his melancholy sadness , briefly embracing some of that contagious excitement .
“ hey , come on now , I wasn’t gone that long , “ he mused with a wry grin , eyes shimmering with undisguised mirth . “ I’d think you’d remember me , though you had been a kitten the last time I saw you , “ a deep chuckle reverbated through his chest , and with a flick of his tail and only a brief , unreadable glance spared towards juniperthorn he continued . “ but yup , that’s me . in the flesh and with very tired bones . “ a cursive nod was spared towards azurepetal at those words , an acceptance of her previous offering .
it had been moons since the earth here had touched his calloused , scarred paws , but he could not forget it even if he tried . the soil was more gentle here , soft against tired pads rubbed raw from use and misuse alike . perhaps it was just his imagination , though . the same dirt dotted skyclan as it did darkclan , as it did windclan . only the concrete jungles of the twolegs really differed drastically from mother nature's gift . bias urged him to believe it , though . as impossible as it really was , the air and water tasted sweeter here , for this was home ; home no matter how fragile or temporary it could sometimes prove to be .
a low purr reverberated through the male's chest as he pushed past the initial border line , the scent still as off putting as it had been the first time he had caught wind of it as it . nostalgia's string plucked at the tired tendrils of his heart , murmuring a tune of despondence and reminding him of all things he had lost , but the feeling was short lived . fresh scents mingled within his nostrils soon after , and his ears could pick up the subtle noises of life that brought long - needed adrenaline to his limbs . visiting his sister always drained him , the state she was in never failed to cause his heart to ache . it wasn't any easier to be a clan cat than it was a loner , but at least here the suffering was shared among many , and after a while it proved to be easier to bare . she was lonely , out there . lonely and struggling to live , yet still stubbornly sticking to the same life that had abandoned them in the first place . there was little he could do to convince her , and though he knew this it still dampened his mood each time . he could only spare so much time before he had a home to return to , even if she didn't understand the sentiment .
the soft wind carried his limbs forward , paws grazing over fruitful earth but seemingly floating over the short grasses that dotted the sun - dappled leaves starting to fall from dying trees . leaf-bare was fast approaching , and though the frigid chills of the season were yet to rear their ugly head , the whispering promise of such weather was enough to send involuntary shivers down his spine . it was hard enough as it was even in during newleaf , with prey seemingly as sporadic as some elders' moods on occasion , but it would inevitably only get harder as time went on . he had seen two in his lifetime already , one of them a season he barely survived , and a grimace found it's way onto his features at the memory . there were too many of them attached to him , now . some didn't survive past their first year , and sometimes he wondered if it would have been better if he had died .
not even returning home seemed to be able to relieve him of his struggles . they were quick to latch back onto him like burrs , shadows that overtook his mind and function , and he could only shake them for minutes on end before they inevitably returned . he was used to it by now , though . that was his life , his memories , his home . where else could he ever be ?
it had been moons since the earth here had touched his calloused , scarred paws , but he could not forget it even if he tried . the soil was more gentle here , soft against tired pads rubbed raw from use and misuse alike . perhaps it was just his imagination , though . the same dirt dotted skyclan as it did darkclan , as it did windclan . only the concrete jungles of the twolegs really differed drastically from mother nature's gift . bias urged him to believe it , though . the air and water tasted sweeter here , for this was home ; home no matter how fragile or temporary it could sometimes prove to be .
the soft wind carried his limbs forward , paws grazing over fruitful earth but seemingly floating over the short grasses that dotted the sun - dappled leaves starting to fall from dying trees .
afraid by the neighbourhood | ❝ all my friends always lie to me / i know they're thinking / you're too mean , i don't like you , fuck you anyway / you make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs / it hurts but I won't fight you / you suck anyway / you make me wanna die , right when I / when I wake up I'm afraid somebody else might take my place ❞
arsonist's lullaby by hozier | ❝ when I was a man I thought it ended / when I knew love's perfect ache / but my peace has always depended / on all the ashes in my wake / all you have is your fire / and the place you need to reach / don't you ever tame your demons / but always keep 'em on a leash ❞
a sadness runs through him by the hoosiers | ❝ time and again boys are raised to be men / impatient they start , fearful they end / but here was a man mourning tomorrow / he drank , but finally drowned in his sorrow / he could not break surface tension / he looked in the wrong place for redemption / don't look at me with those eyes / I tried to unheave the ties / turn back the time that drew him / but he couldn't be saved / a sadness runs through him ❞
back from the fire by gold brothers | ❝ I'm coming back from the fire / crawling back from the shame / coming back from the fire / and I burn you down , burn you down / boy you found trouble / your time come around / 'cause I run with the devil / when the sun goes down ❞
banana bread by cavetown | ❝ it's alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I've said it once but I still tell myself again and again / you'll never be enough , but what is enough ? / you're selfless , isn't that enough ? ❞
beautiful crime by tamer | ❝ each step I left behind / each road you know is mine / walking on the line ten stories high / say you'll still be by my side / if I could take your hand / if you could understand / that I can barely breathe the air is thin / I fear the fall and where we'll land / we fight every night for something / when the sun sets we're both the same / half in the shadows / half burned in flames / we can't look back for nothin' / take what you need say your goodbyes / I gave you everything / and it's a beautiful crime ❞
broken crown by mumford and sons | ❝ the pull on my flesh is just too strong / it stifles the choice and the air in my lungs / better not to breathe than to breathe a lie / when I open my body and breathe alive ❞
bury me face down by grandson | ❝ from the rubble, what do I see? / there's a whole damn army thinkin' that they're gonna harm me / say goodnight, I'll never get free / oh, I got troubles that won't let me be / but I won't get tired, set the town on fire / 'till my troubles got trouble with me ❞
can I exist by missio | ❝ home is where they say the heart is / mine's buried in the yard / hell's a place they say is for sinners / I'll be the man in charge / I wrote god a simple letter / still haven't heard from him / I must have really messed up this time / shit must have hit the fun / but how can I exist within the midst of this ? / but how can I admit that I would quit on you ? ❞
champion by barns courtney | ❝ I've been on a long road / with the devil right beside me / rising with the morning sun / it's a hunger that drives me / oh , lord , set my soul / take my pain and turn it into gold / 'cause all I know , all I know , all I know is / champion , I can take a beating / I'll rise again , we're into the jungle until the end / I can live forever , I'll rise again ❞
change on the rise by avi kaplan | ❝ what good's a man / who's lost his soul / can't take a stand / when his flame's gone cold / fend off the enemy / sing out the jubilee / with all the fire we can breathe ❞
coyote by mako | ❝ I'm out here sipping from the bottle of a molotov cocktail / I'm setting fire to my lungs / catch a kiss with the cyanide under my tongue / I'm out here loading a gun / this lovesick hungry wild coyote , run , run , run / you thought the money would save you , one in the chamber / blood in the water , my love / and if it kill me , it'll kill me , so let it kill me but I'm never gonna live a lie , no / let the willing go the willing / time to say goodbye , I'm dying alone ❞
cringe by matt maeson | ❝ she said I'm looking like a bad man, smooth criminal / she said my spirit doesn't move like it did before / she said that I don't look like me no more no more / I said I'm just tired / she said you're just fine ❞
crossfire by stephen | ❝ he'd trade his guns for love / but he's caught in the crossfire / and he keeps waking up / but it's not to the sound of birds ❞
dark times by the weeknd | ❝ in my dark times I'll be going back to the street / promising everything I do not mean / in my dark times , baby this is all I could be / don't think my mother could love me for me / in my dark times , in my dark times / light one up , let me bum a smoke / still calming down , dripping throat / I got another man's blood on my clothes / but an endless fog's the life I chose ❞
desperado by rihanna | ❝ if you want, we can be runaways / running from any sight of love / yeah, yeah, there ain't nothin' / there ain't nothin' here for me / there ain't nothing here for me anymore / but I don't wanna be alone ❞
drink the water by justin cross | ❝ it's not a sin if it don't make me cry / he's not the devil lest there's fire in his eyes / it ain't the ghost if it don't speak in tongue / it's not a victory until the battle's been won / and all god's people said amen / and all god's people said amen / nobody prays unless they lose a son / don't believe in god till a war's to be won / I know of lies by the truth I've been told / the biggest one's that we're not growing old ❞
dwi by missio | ❝ this body is not my body / when I am drunk and out of mind / this bottle thinks that it owns me / but it can't own me if I'm dead / this body is not my body / when all these creatures eat my skin / they're searching for the demise , oh / for this is my soul that I left ❞
fairly local by twenty one pilots | ❝ I'm not evil to the core / what I shouldn't do I will fight / I know I'm emotional / what I wanna save I will try / I know who I truly am / I truly do have a chance / tomorrow I'll switch the beat / to avoid yesterday's dance ❞
far from home by sam tinnesz | ❝ I'm sending a raven / with blood on its wings / hoping it reaches you in time / and you know what it means / cause out here in the darkness / and out of the light / if you get to me too late / just know that I tried ❞
fire by barns courtney | ❝ lonely shadows following me / lonely ghosts come a - calling / lonely voices talking to me / now I'm gone , now I'm gone , now I'm gone / and my mother told me son let it be / sold me soul to the calling / sold my soul to a sweet melody / now I'm gone , now I'm gone , now I'm gone ❞
grave digger by matt maeson | ❝ I can't run to you , father / I need love / I can't talk to you , mother / I know it's got you caught up / but your sweet sinless sensation is not my style / and I'm not giving up / but tell me if I run away / how long will I bleed ? / so tell me if I run away / how long will I bleed ? / colors blend / they're all black and white / god dammit , I cannot bend / I'm all shriveled inside / ain't no point in tryin'a pick me up when I'm down / yeah , you can stick out your hand / and you can lean towards the ground / I'll be tryin'a suck all the liquid out the dirt / tryin'a catch a curve , digging my own grave ❞
graves by whiskey shivers | ❝ who's gonna dig these graves ? / who's gonna dig these graves ? somebody help me dig these graves / I can't do it on my own / sun done run out of rays / and I've been waiting on a south bound train / trying not to go insane but / I can't do it on my own ❞
hallucinogenics by matt maeson | ❝ 'cause I carried on like the wayward son / now through and through I have come undone / and now I am just but the wayward man / what with my bloodshot eyes and my shaky hands ❞
hang me , oh hang me by dave von ronk | ❝ put the rope around my neck / hung me up so high / last words i heard 'em say / won't be long now for you die, poor boy / I've been all around this world ❞
hellfire by barns courtney | ❝ burn in an alleyway through a dead end street / murdering promises that I just can't keep / we could sing pretty melodies on the unmade bed / slow-dancing to a silhouette 'cause I ain't dead yet / ain't no chariots of fire coming to to take me home / I'm lost in the woods and I wander alone / hellfire , hellfire , take my soul / I'm waiting , waiting , I'm ready to go ❞
hurt by johnny cash | ❝I hurt myself today / to see if I still feel / I focus on the pain / the only thing that's real / the needle tears a hole / the old familiar sting / try to kill it all away / but I remember everything / what have I become / my sweetest friend? / everyone I know / goes away in the end / and you could have it all / my empire of dirt / I will let you down / I will make you hurt / I wear this crown of thorns / upon my liars chair / full of broken thoughts / I cannot repair / beneath the stains of time / the feelings disappear / you are someone else / I am still right here ❞
I can hold a grudge like nobody's business by adam jensen | ❝ welcome to the wasteland / just another broken man / tangled in the words that I cannot say / living just to say goodbye / save me from myself, this ride / can you see the words written on my face? / think I'm going crazy / standin' in a crowded street / peaceful in the eye of a hurricane / cigarettes and sadness, a little bit of madness / mixing with the chemicals in my brain ❞
iron by woodkid | ❝ deep in the ocean , dead and cast away / where innocence is burned in flames / a million miles from home , I'm walking ahead / I'm frozen to the bones , I am / a soldier on my own , I don't know the way / I'm riding up the heights of shame / I'm waiting for the call , the hand on the chest / I'm ready for the fight and fate / the sound of iron shots is stuck in my head / the thunder of the drums dictates / the rhythm of the falls , the number of deaths / the rising of the horns ahead / from the dawn of time to the end of days / I will have to run away / I want to feel the pain and the bitter taste / of the blood on my lips again / this deadly burst of snow is burning my hands / I'm frozen to the bones, I am / a million miles from home , I'm walking away / I can't remind your eyes , your face ❞
kill our way to heaven by michl | ❝ the dust and dirt blind us slowly / but give a hint of a view to make it feel alright / and though it hurts we keep on climbing / 'cause our addictions take us from inside / a sturdy back , but brittle bones , too weak to show / we would say anything just to hear what we want / right or wrong / then we lie to be forgiven / we would sell anything just to buy who we're not / any cost / oh , we kill out way to heaven ❞
lead me home by jamie n commons | ❝ oh lord live inside me / lead me on my way / oh lord live inside me / lead me on my way / lead me home / lead me home ❞
like real people do by hozier | ❝ I knew that look dear / eyes always seeking / was there in someone / that dug long ago / so I will not ask you / why you were creeping / in some sad way I already know / I will not ask where you came from / I will not ask you and neither would you / honey just put your sweet lips on my lips / we should just kiss like real people do ❞
me and my friends are lonely by matt maeson | ❝ I can't open up to you / me and my friends are lonely / I don't know what to do / I always figured I'd be the one to die alone / I cope smothered in smoke / deep high, drape my soul in / I know things that you don't / I've met murdering folk / and they took one of our own / they took our innocent home ❞
mercy by jacob banks | ❝ I played the game , I reconciled / I wear the blame like a suit and tie / I sing you lullabies , your melodies like a symphony / we fall the same when we walk the wire / I just need a little mercy , mercy on me / I just need a little mercy , mercy on me / I drank your holy water , your liberty , your make - believe / I could use a little mercy , oh mercy on me ❞
mr . rattlebone by matt maeson | ❝ that's right , fuck all the drama / I'll be your muse / now take what I offer / straight up the nose down the throat / it's a bearable bruise on your conscious / but don't it feel good ? / don't you feel calmer ? / I am the way , and the life in the best looking truth ❞
new blood by koda | ❝ there's a beast awakening / tugging at my feet / and it won't be satisfied / 'til it's taken me / there's a cold wind blowing / rattling the trees / and I wont be satisfied / 'til they know it's me ❞
nonchalant by 6lack | ❝ I'm so fucking tired / but somehow I still find the time / to care a little more about my rhymes / to care a little more about my peers / to think a lil' less about my fears / to care a lil' more about your ears / I give a piece of me to everybody I meet / not because they want it , just because it's probably a need ❞
no turning back by koda | ❝ cut the chord , burn the house / fake death , fake your suicide / wash it all down with a bottle of regret / till there's no time left / kill the messenger / and clear the cobwebs / blame the victim / send attack dogs / check the bottom line / drain the bathtub / put your friends in it / burn the evidence ❞
one by kerli | ❝ I've been digging up every constellation / travelling galaxies without a station / faithful to my made up mission / I forgot about us / and no I don't need another reincarnation / losing my mind searching for explanation / faithful to my made up mission / I never felt like enough ❞
outrunning karma by alec benjamin | ❝ outrunning karma , that boy / he's such a charmer / all the bugs and larva / follow him out to colorado / ten dozen hearts in a bag / their bodies lying he'll drag them / down to colorado / a modern desperado ❞
polarize by twenty one pilots | ❝ you know where I'm coming from / though I am running to you / all I feel is deny , deny , denial / I wanted to be a better brother , better son / wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done / I have none to show to the one I love / but deny , deny , denial ❞
put it on me by matt maeson | ❝ hung high and dry / where no one can see / if there's no one to blame / blame it on me / storm in the sky / fire in the streets / if there's nothing but pain / put it on me ❞
raging on a sunday by bohnes | ❝ I should be at church but I'm raging on a sunday / lie to confess , fuck it , worry 'bout it some day / baptized in the crowd 'cause they lookin' pretty thirsty / city full of sufferin' take me to the promised land ❞
reasonable doubt by anonymuz | ❝ they should call me ray charles , boy / stay lost , boy / break laws , boy / shit was my day job , boy / it was still on sight when I see that nigga / 'till I seen that same lost boy / and the eyes of a man I was bout to kill / reflect back to the same lost boy / 'cause it's all a cycle , all survival / all that you know , all that I know / fall or fly , yo / call or die flow / thought when I go / the god of my hope was just a gun / yeah, the god of my hope was just a gun / hell I had ass for debt to pass depression / I hold rap digression and revenge / and I know faster methods than regrettin' / my own bad direction manifests in my home , whoa / maybe it's a show without the ghost / maybe it's hell I had to quell , I had the most / maybe it's the devil in my head that I've been dreadin' / and betrayin' is the motherfuckin' goal, sky ❞
rip 2 my youth by the neighbourhood | ❝ might be a sinner and I might be a saint / I'd like to be proud , but somehow I'm ashamed / sweet little baby in a world full of pain / I gotta be honest , I don't know if I could take it / everybody's talking , but what's anybody saying? / mama said if I really want to , then I can change , yeah yeah / r.i.p. to my youth / if you really listen , then this is to you / mama , there is only so much I can do / tough for you to witness it but it was for me too / I'm using white lighters to see what's in front of me / r.i.p. to my youth / and you could call this the funeral / I'm just telling the truth , yeah / you can play this at my funeral / tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad / I'm in paradise with dad / close my eyes and then cross my arms / put me in the dirt , let me dream with the stars / throw me in a box with the oxygen off / you gave me the key then you locked every lock / when I can't breathe , I won't ask you to stop / when I can't breathe , don't call for a cop / I was naive and hopeful and lost / now I'm aware and trapped in my thoughts ❞
run by daughter | ❝ and if I try to get close / he is already gone / don't know where he's going / don't know where he's been / but he is restless at night / 'cause he has horrible dreams ❞
smother by daughter | ❝ I'm wasted , losing time / I'm a foolish , fragile spine / I want all that is not mine / I want him but we're not right / in the darkness I will meet my creators / and they will all agree that I'm a suffocator/ I should go now quietly / for my bones have found a place / to lie down and sleep ❞
straight razor by matt maeson | ❝ 'cause it don't stop / no it don't end / oh when the seams will start wearing thin / oh and we'll see if the same thing goes for them / oh and I tried to start caring like you and like them / when you said that I was killing myself / I've killed everything but my shame / oh and I'll try to convince myself I'm worth it / oh and you'll lie with your strange and fitting purpose ❞
the fear by the score | ❝ you knocked me down / all the demons creeping in / another round trading shots with my ego / running can't help me now / your chains only drag me down / I've battled hard with the face in the mirror / every scar makes me dig down deeper / push it till there's nothing more / 'cause I'm stronger than I was before ❞
the hearse by matt maeson | ❝ I am the man we both couldn't stand / I can't wash off the dirt from my hands / what was it like to feel in love? / what was it like to feel in love? / I can't scrub off the black from my lungs / I can't wipe off the taste from my tongue / what was it like to feel in love? / what was it like to feel in love? ❞
the manic by amarante | ❝ there's a pain I'll carry with me / through the days I will dream / of losing you and losing me / I am not the man that you will need / I'll let you down entirely / you're better off , you're better off / I'll let you go , you're better off / kick me out and let me go / you don't need me , I'm an angry soul / shut me out and lock the door / you don't need me / pick up all these broken pieces I have left behind / I've left you behind ❞
the mystic by adam jensen | ❝ broken cigarettes and bullet holes / one more the the chest 'til I'm alone / nothing gets me any higher / and nothing ever will / tried to stay sober / tried to stay clean / wake me when it's over / like a bad dream / mama doesn't call / sister never writes / bet you they would laugh / if I called to say goodbye / no ones gonna worry / or notice when I'm gone / no they won't know I'm missing / 'til they pull me out the mystic / tell the preacher not to pray / there's no angels where I go / only pieces that I broke / and scattered dreams across the globe / I'm home ❞
the river by blues saraceno | ❝ oh my lord take this hand / save me from the gallows / hear this news , bear my gold / lay me in the shallows / evil will come if you call my name / the wicked they shall rise / the river's sings gonna wash me clean / the river don't run dry ❞
the wanderer by shawn james | ❝ when I go, I don't know when I'll be comin' back again / leavin' the past behind my stride / in this way, I will abide / they call me the wanderer ❞
the warpath by connor youngblood | ❝ this medicine is wearing thin now / we're bullet proof until we bleed out / and even though we always try / to hide our instincts from our pride / in our struggle to survive / we keep the warpath by our side / we strike the sky until the sun bows / and fly until our feathers burn out / all our lives we've been apart / a vicious cycle from the start / in our struggle to survive / we keep the warpath by our side ❞
through the valley by shawn james | ❝ I walk through the valley of the shadow of death / and I'll fear no evil because I'm blind to it all / and my mind and my gun they comfort me / because I know I'll kill my enemies when they come / surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life / and I will dwell on this earth forevermore / still I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul / but I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong / well I came upon a man at the top of a hill / called himself the savior of the human race / said he'd come to save the world from destruction and pain / but I said, 'how can you save the world from itself? ❞
tribulation by matt maeson | ❝ darling can't you see / I'm a broken man / with addictive tendencies / and I think I love you / but I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love just right / so run away from me / run as far as your dark brown eyes can see / just as soon as you know / that I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love you right / oh and all the ways you won't bend / are the only ways I live my life / oh and I'm trying to cope / and burn just right / and I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love you right ❞
twenty twelve by matt maeson | ❝ maybe I'll stay right here / maybe I'll keep this mind / maybe I'll live in this moment forever / maybe I'll speak to you / maybe I'll walk this line / maybe I'll adjust to adjusting together / I could open the door and breathe in the dust / and I could walk through those flames till I don't feel their touch / oh , but how can I leave when I know what's out there ? / maybe I'll lie to you / maybe I'll play this role / maybe I'll act like my act is together / maybe I'll go through life without hope / and maybe I'll open the door and fall through the floor / I could open the door and breathe in the dust / and I could walk through those flames till I don't feel their touch / oh , but how can I leave when I know what's out there ? / maybe I could stop focusing on the particular / could you help me stop focusing on the particular ? / oh , focusing on the particular ❞
wake up by eden | ❝ 'cause we've been driving so long / I can't remember how we got here / or how we survived so long / I'm trying to run from our pride / at least set fire to my atmosphere / and I remember how I spent the 23rd / feeling six feet under when I'm 30,000 feet in the air / chasing that sundown / so far east I'm westbound / feeling like the edge of the world is near / but you'll feel better when you wake up / swear to god I'll make up / everything and more when I get back someday / this is more than just a phase , love / shooting stars all break up / and even though it seems like half the world away / things will be better in america / heard the streets are gold there / maybe I can fly you out this place someday / chasing dreams like I'm on novocaine / screaming through your airwaves / looking back I almost thought I heard you say / stay , you're not gonna leave me / this place is right where you need to be / and why your words gotta mean so much to them / and they mean nothing to me ? / so stay , you're not what you're hearing / 'cause I've been watching you changing / and who said you're one in a million anyway ? / 'cause you see only what you want to / your tunnel vision haunts you / and you can't see what's wrong with you / when you keep sleeping through the pm / eyes wide open when you're dreaming / you're sleepwalking , just keep talking / maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end / no b plan in your system / just tell me what you're thinking / I'm scared that you might fall ❞
white dove by koda | ❝ I had him bless these hands just to run yout out / give me strength when you run your mouth / I've got a bone to pick / somebody showed you all of the horror / you weren't born with it / I had this idlewild feeling in this house / give me truth give me a way out / I've got a home to break / somebody showed you all of the horror / you weren't born with it / you're a silvertongued jackboot thug / with white skin but you're no white dove / and you're scared of us 'cause we show you love / until there's none of us left to love / none of us left to love / I had this feeling that you'd betray me / if I gave too much and you took too much / but here we both stand / a gun in your hand / there's blood on the leaves / there's blood in the sands / I feel his grace slowly running out / give me truth give me a way out / I've got a bone to pick / somebody showed you all of the horrors / you weren't born with it . ❞
bad decisions. being streetsmart but not booksmart. a friend barging in at odd hours of the night. walks around the lake on a rainy day. cigarettes still burning in ashtrays. setting fire to the city. the smell of cedar and whiskey on the tongue. eyes like flames. mentally troubled. poetry after adventures. dressing in clothes that were once nice but now are frayed. falling asleep on the streets. a confident smile. sarcastic jokes. fighting for friends who can't. black jeans covered in cat hair. knuckles made stiff by cold weather. scuffed knees. bruised knuckles. the constant ache of longing. the smell of smoke. calloused fingers. the sound of a classical acoustic guitar. a reassuring touch. laughter lines. log cabins on the riverbank. the scent of pine and woodsmoke. warm brown eyes. old german shepherds. late night strolls. sleeping in a woven hammock. the splash of freckles across the face. dark under-eye circles. pride in accumulated scars. spontaneous adventures. blasting music in the car. always waiting. pet names. quiet laughter. knotted and folding shoulder blades. a lone singer in a valley. rich musks and spices. the huff of breath just before the effort. a hot, sunny day. crows feet. spending hours that feel like seconds with friends. hidden secrets. childhood and the present blending together as an old theme song plays. remembering what home feels like. arms opening into a hug. road trips with lifelong friends. warm tones of red in the sky as the sun sets. husky voices. being the change you wish to see in the world. unread books with catchy titles and pretty covers. the middle of nowhere. the desert at nighttime. road trips with no destination. rebellion with a cause. the smell of old books after you've opened them. the lingering bitterness of coffee on your tongue after staying up all night. unwanted nostalgia. existential questions. sadness without reason. falling in love with a stranger. tanned skin. dimples. comfortable silence. trusting few but trusting them with your life. praying to gods you don't believe in. mourning for what could have been. tired eyes that hide deep sadness. easy smiles. a penchant for being obstinate.
youth [ 0 - 5 months ] | ❝ desperado , known more formally as ronan in his youth , was born to a litter of three ; him , south and james , to two rogues : fell and lirim , on 6.14.2015 . his first few months of childhood would set a sordid foreshadowing of his life to come , with lirim's tendencies towards abuse and depreciation being a tone that stuck to him to the very ends of his life . trained to become warriors without equal at a young age , he and his sibling south were put through numerous tests and challenges in order to prove their worth and harden them in time , viewed as soldiers moreso than children by those who had spawned them . fell drachen died soon after his birth , leaving him to the mercy of his sole parent , until age five when he and south opted to run away from home . ❞
youth [ 6 - 10 months ] | ❝ it did not get better for the two of them , joining a consequent gang as their only means of food and shelter . already half desensitized to pain and death , both children quickly adjusted to their new lifestyle , though at the cost of much of their mental well - being . both of them were used moreso than viewed as equals , to the point of denial of basic necessities until they earned their share , mental and physical abuse , as well as sexual manipulation . during this time des earned the nickname ' desperado ' for his often reckless , volatile acts , and quickly rose to become one of the most skilled warriors the gang had among their ranks . he forgot his old life , his old adversaries , and killed because it became the only thing he knew how to do and the only thing keeping him and south safe . he became their protector as much as they were his last remaining tether to reality and humanity . it wasn't until a raid on a clan when he was forced to kill a group of children only barely younger than his meager ten months that he snapped out of his trance , and began slowly regaining his feelings of guilt and horror . months still passed without any change , but after another sexual advance towards him by one of the older members , desperado snapped and killed the entire place and fled . unable to face his sibling , he parted ways with them , turning to a self - made path of exile and redemption , a path he is still trying to remain on to this day . ❞
young adulthood [ 11 - 20 months ] | ❝ guilty for all the actions he had done , desperado began a path towards redemption , though it was a shaky one at first and still tends to be wobbly at best at times . unable to simply forget his nature nor simply get over countless traumas embedded in him since his youth , des tried his best to utilize his powers and strength for good , slowly transforming the cold , emotionless and volatile man into something softer and warmer . he learned how to convincingly lie his way into and out of situations even moreso than before , until he mastered the act of wearing a fake heart on his sleeve to make people look away from his past , not because he wished to manipulate them but because he felt he deserved no pity or remorse for his actions . throughout his travels he still occasionally killed , often by accident out of trauma than actual intent , but eventually he stumbled upon skyclan at twenty months old and attempted to make a home there . the group took him in with open arms , and though he still feared he would relapse , des finally decided to try and settle down . he never committed to fully joining the group , but he took on a clan name to introduce himself as among the groups : " whitedove . " despite his status as a warrior , des still often left the clans for months at times , both because of his tendancy to roam , his need to visit south to make sure they were handling life well , and his own insecurities about being allowed to simply renew his life like this . months passed until one faithful day lirim decided to show their face around skyclan again . they left a warning to their son , claiming ownership over him and his entire being , starting des towards a spiral downward as old traumas started to reappear in his head and nag at the back of his mind that he had to run once more , so he chose to leave skyclan , heading towards riverclan where his aforementioned friend currently resided . leaving skyclan started a pattern within the man , though his next stop was longer than most others he would continue to appear and disappear from . riverclan became his new home for a while , the islands a brief solace from the ghosts that plagued his life , but his mental state slowly started to deteriorate further the longer he stayed . terrified that his parent would find him there too , he returned to skyclan , though his paranoia became unbearable and not even old friends could keep him tethered anymore , and as a last leap of chance he chose to leave entirely , abandoning all he had met and started to view as family in order to join shadowclan , where he fared no better and lasted only long enough to make a vague impression on others before moving to windclan , then subsequently travelling to bloodclan where he made a far longer home . the largest factor in his stay was a woman , who he learned to respect and view as someone he cared for , only to realize too late he had developed feelings for her that he could not act upon because of his own anxieties . remaining around her still made him feel safe , and even though he ran away from bloodclan after a few months due to the anxiety eating him from the inside , she was what ultimately drove him to return to his home for longer . during that time he started to develop feelings for another person , though his name now eludes des completely , but that person died cancer , leaving des alone once more . unable to take it , des left for one final time , becoming a wanderer for another full year before returning to his roots . ❞
adulthood [ 21 + months ] | ❝ years spent alone with no one to cling to but his own fragile self had done little to help the feline , so des decided to return to the one clan he had felt most at home at , only to find that all the people he had known and missed were no longer there . heartbroken but with no other place to go , des decided to stay and see where life took him , too exhausted to keep running away from his problems and seemingly ready to turn over onto his belly and let them consume him . despite that he kept his pain hidden well , making attempts to help others while similarly ignoring all help directed at his obvious , bone - aching exhaustion . during a particularly bad winter , des got caught in a blizzard during a particularly bad bare-leaf , suffering from frostbite as a result of the cold . close to death , the man had mentally prepared to join whatever starclan or dark forest actually existed , but in the end thanks to twolegs that found and cured him , he survived . another few months passed during which he remained in their care , but eventually they let him go and he returned first to his sibling for another two months , then eventually to skyclan once more . at first he was colder to all individuals , but he could not keep up the act for long , and made a conscious effort to apologize to those he had hurt specifically , all the while fully blaming himself for his actions and responses . despite thinking things would be fine following this return , life soon took an absolutely sour turn as lirim returned to after years , unable to handle their appearance , there wasn't enough to stop des' attempts to take his own life , though the action was cut short due to the timely intervention of a few of his clanmates . des survived , but he was embittered by the fact , feeling that his death would be easier and that he was tired of trying to solve his problems when running away from them was easier . des ultimately recovered , though not before severing multiple emotional ties to other creatures in order to save them and himself any pain should he leave or make an attempt on his life again . slowly des started to realize that he was becoming too attached once more , and made plans to leave once things got even worse in order to spare himself the pain of severing ties once again to those he had started to love . as a last attempt to try and fix things , to keep his friends and to stay in his home , des sought out lirim once more , killing them as mercifully as he could in order to end the pain , fully expecting retaliation but receiving nothing more than a few sharp words directed his way . though it did not fix many of his problems , it eased some of des' pain long enough for him to stay and figure out life once more . ❞
friendship - easy | ❝ it is fairly easy to befriend des, as his friendly and easy-going attitude often makes it easy to acquire a wide range of acquaintances. he never shies away from a new friendship, eager to have everyone he meets feel important enough to have someone, even if that someone is just plain ole' him. his friendships are strong, but sadly also extremely fragile at the same time. despite having very little boundaries and being eager to even jump in front of a bullet for his friends, there are topics that are so fragile to des that if they are broached with the wrong attitude, he won't hesitate to drop anyone he considers a friend. he is kind, but not weak, and has ever capability of beating someone up if he feels like it. des is a bit of a rough character, with a foul mouth and who often engages in friendly banter with anyone and everyone he comes across, but he's a good man beneath it all who just wants everyone to feel wanted. ❞
romantic - extremely difficult | ❝ it is very hard to get des to engage in any romantic relationships due to multiple reasons. the first and biggest reasons stems from his underlying trauma regarding any sexual advances from anyone, and he views all romantic advances as possible warning signs that someone wants to use him again. he acts like he wears his heart on his sleeve, but in reality it is extremely guarded, and he'll never tell you something that he doesn't feel is unimportant to his being. it is, therefore, nigh impossible to have des feel any sort of romantic attraction towards another individual unless he trusts them completely with his entire life. anything less than that and, although he might have a crush, he will refuse to engage in anything. he is experienced in sex for rather sorry reasons, but extremely inexperienced in romance, although he is naturally a charmer and gentleman and a gentle lover. all romance plots must go by adomania first. this is an extremely picky area. ❞
familial - depends on circumstance | ❝ des is extremely wary of any kinds of familial bonds given that they are far more serious than friendships, and perhaps even more serious than romances can be. he wants a family, to have someone he can look up to as a parental figure, and to take care of little kiddos that he can call his, but is afraid of being abandoned yet again once he finds them. he isn't impossible to convince, however, as he desperately wants someone to call his family despite his better judgement, and therefore will often see others as family without even realizing it. adomania is heavily invested in finding these kinds of relationships for him. ❞
enemies - hard | ❝ it is very difficult to get des to hate your character, as he has a very forgiving nature in hopes that others will change their ways. he is far from a push-over, but he won't call others anything more than rivals unless they convince him of a good enough reason to hate. this is usually if anyone tries anything funny with his family, or when they make any abusive/sexual advances towards him without his clear consent. ❞
defiant till the end | ❝ someone has been captured and incapacitated . what do they do , cooperate with their captor or beg to be spared ? hell no . they make it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no respect for their captor . they'd never kneel in a million years , and they're not afraid in the slightest to say so . sure , their enemy could kill them where they stand if he decided to , but you wouldn't know that from the insults . this is done when a defeated character laughs or snarks at the one who beat them , often when they're in no position to do so , possibly broken in pain on the floor or behind bars . this could even be for something that has absolutely nothing to do with them . they just can't let the other character get a complete victory . ❞
dark and troubled past | ❝ something terrible happened to a character ; some tragic event in their past that shaped a fundamental level of their personality . long after the event is over , it still has a powerful influence on the character's life . ❞
parental abandonment | ❝ a stunningly large number of heroes and their coteries are lacking in the parent department , either through death or in that they just aren't talked about . even if both parents are alive , they may well be emotionally or physically distant . ❞
rape as a backstory | ❝ a popular way to establish a character as having a motivation for their depression, angst, distrust of others, and other anti-social tendencies is to have the revelation that he or she was raped at some point in his or her past . the overwhelming majority of characters given this treatment are female, but there are still cases of male characters, although even that is predominantly by other men . while it's perfectly possible to use this trope well , when done poorly the rape is only referenced when the victim wants sympathy - mostly from their sexy new true love. in other factors of their lives it has little impact . however in real life, the trauma of rape can haunt somebody for the rest of their lives and recalls - which can be brought on for as small a reason as being alone in a room with the opposite gender - can make trusting future partners incredibly difficult . it's professional therapy , not sex with your true love , that brings relief . ❞
the drifter | ❝ like a gust of wind , the drifter quietly blows into a troubled town . he's low - key , and usually the quiet one that's not looking for trouble . he'll rarely raise the interest or curiosity of the townspeople or the big bad that's been slowly draining the town of all life and money . usually , he just wants an odd job to make ends meet before leaving again , the implication being that he's either running from someone or walking the earth for the fun of it or for finding a good home for him / her / itself . ❞
the atoner | ❝ once, there was a major villain named bob . he committed every crime one could think of , and he did it with a song in his heart and a skip in his step . then , something happened to make him see the horror of what he was doing . he realized how much pain he had caused , and he set out on a personal quest to try to make it right. the atoner is an evil character who has realized the error of his ways , possibly wants to make amends , and has decided that they will do so via heroic deeds . simple imprisonment won't do , because it does nothing to make recompense for what he's done wrong . besides , he still has all these amazing skills and resources from the bad old days — wouldn't it be better to use them for good ? the problem is , bob often has to wrestle with the temptation to return to his old ways , along with the massive guilt built up over years of carefree evil . also , said previous villain skills usually involve killing people in very messy ways , which can result in karmically harmful situations . other times bob's evil side won't go down without a fight , and manifests itself as an enemy within . ultimately , it comes down to the fact that morality isn't a book that can be balanced — no amount of babies saved now will bring bob's past victims back to life . the atoner usually realizes that " redemption is the path , not the destination " and continues for the rest of his life . ❞
hope is scary | ❝ the despair event horizon has its advantages . your expectations are gone , so no one can disappoint you . your feelings are dead , so you can't feel any pain . and you have nothing to lose , so you don't need to worry about your future . your numbness is peaceful ; you have passed safely out of reach of anything that could disturb you . but if , in that state , someone inspires you with even a fragment of hope , all of your peace is gone . now that you've started to feel , you can feel pain again . now that you have someone or something that you care about , you dread the day when it will be gone . and now that you've let yourself hope again , you risk being disappointed again . before , you had the bitter comfort of knowing that the worst was over , but now you are afraid that you haven't hit rock bottom yet , and the worst is yet to come . ❞
the insomniac | ❝ a common way to convey that a character is either really strange or has either paranoid or schizophrenic tendencies ( or both ) is to make them an insomniac . whether only during times of great stress or as a chronic disorder expect these characters to be cranky , moody , mistrusting and sometimes even violent . expect exhausted eye bag and other eye tropes to occur , as well as other symptoms of sleep deprivation . waking up from one may cause a sleepless night ; waking up from one many , many , many nights may lead to this in its milder forms , since the character gets some sleep . ❞
the night owl | ❝ humans are a generally diurnal species , which means we are most active during daytime . most people wake up in the morning , do their business in the afternoon , and go to sleep at night . not this character . they're the opposite of everyone else — they sleep in and are most active at night . they're up and about at odd times , while almost everyone else is sleeping . ❞
chaotic good | ❝ the living embodiment of screw the rules, i'm doing what's right , chaotic good characters are rebels and free spirits who believe in doing good , by their own standards . some don't have a problem with greater systems such as laws as long as they leave them alone ; others are anarchists who believe that the betterment of all can only be achieved by actively rejecting any higher instances of power . likely to take a intuitive approach to the golden rule , caring about other people's feelings and needs without having to calcify it into specific rules . unfortunately , characters of this alignment are the most likely good characters to be opposed by the hero antagonist . an important aspect of chaotic good freedom fighters is that they excel in toppling corrupt regimes , but are often pretty terrible with power and responsibility themselves ( as some of the examples show ) . a chaotic good character faces a tightrope walk even more narrow than most lawful good characters face because of their competing interests in being a free spirit that wants to do good in the world , and their general disdain for the authority and control over people's lives that they would be wielding to try to do that good . chaotic good can be considered the most moral alignment because it combines a good heart with a free spirit , but it can simultaneously be considered a dangerous alignment because it can disrupt the order of society and punishes those who feel the need for a social framework around themselves . ❞
not afraid to die | ❝ for whatever reason , whether it's because of everything they've experienced or lived through , this character lives without any fear of death . they don't actively look for it the way the death seeker does , but if it ever comes for them , they will face it graciously , without crying , whimpering , and trying to make a deal with the devil . they're going to face up to it . ❞
martyr without a cause | ❝ heroes are heroic ; it goes without saying . so it shouldn't come as a surprise when one makes a heroic sacrifice or takes the shot to protect a friend or loved one ; even his allies might form a hero secret service to protect him before facing the big bad . then , there's heroes who seem to have a near suicidal insistence on being the one to die... even if the situation isn't all that dire ! they'll put the overprotective dad and mama bear to shame in their zeal to ensure no one around them but themselves is in any risk . they'll discourage alternate plans for a given threat if any friends have to be in the slightest danger , even if they increase the odds for success and their own survival , and said friends are willing to take the risk . if someone gets hurt ( or his little sister forbid, dies ) he'll be eaten up with guilt . this is often the character flaw of a messianic archetype , and often combines with chronic hero syndrome . expect friends , family , and loved ones to scold him repeatedly on this risk-hogging behavior , and villains to use flaw exploitation to make the most of it by engineering threats . ❞
bad dreams | ❝ at some point in the past, bob the hero got hurt . badly hurt . he suffered some horrible injury . he saw people he loved being brutalized or murdered . he had to shoot the dog and has been living with the guilt ever since . maybe it was even all of the above . but bob doesn't want anyone else to know he's still hurting ; not him , not bob the stoic . he won't even say don't you dare pity me ; he would if anyone showed him pity , but his pain is too well concealed for that . he won't even suffer a not so stoic moment or brush off the tears that come in a rare unguarded moment with "there's sand in my eyes . " so how do you show the readers ( and sometimes the other characters ) that bob's impassive demeanor is the result of superhuman control and iron will , not a sociopath's lack of empathy ? how do you show his breaking heart without character derailment ? or inappropriate character development for the story ? you give him bad dreams . the instant bob wakes, he will be back to normal . however , dread of more nightmares makes him likely to become the insomniac , which can prove dangerous if these are recurring dreams . if he woke everyone else up with his screaming , he will apologize for disturbing them . usually . but he also usually won't tell them what made him scream . if he has superpowers then they may spark and fly about as he tosses restlessly , unable to control them as they activate in his fevered state . ( every once in a while this vulnerable moment opens the door for bob to tell someone else about his trauma ; this can be unrealistically beneficial . ) If bob also suffers from go mad from the isolation , he will often not be able to remember that he is safe until several moments after waking . visions about bad things , whether past , present , or future , or plain old ordinary dreams that are just unpleasant , are not bad dreams ; bad dreams indicate that bob is a traumatized character even though he is doing his damndest to hide that fact . being the outward sign of an inward pain , bad dreams are obviously more likely for characters who keep their feelings on the inside : the stoic , the emotionless girl , broken bird , and the like ( whether bob hides his pain from everyone or just from one particular person ) . but they can be a useful tool for demonstrating trauma for — and humanizing — anyone , since you can't control your dreams . it may be used to reveal the true character of no hero to his valet ( type 2 ) . Or demonstrate that being evil sucks . or to show that the alcoholic is drowning his sorrows . the captain is prone to bad dreams because they cannot show weakness in front of their people and feels responsible for any injury or death that befalls those in their care . ❞
don't you dare pity me | ❝ an injured or suffering character is approached by another , eager to help , but the injured party is offended . this reaction of humiliation and resentment may be spoken , acted upon , or merely felt , but it is some variation on " i don't want your pity , " or " don't you dare pity me " . this may be used as actual stock phrases , but the reaction does not have to be verbalized . the more serious the problem , the more likely this is to cause conflict . temporary situations can invoke it for a time , as when manly tears or worse sand in my eyes causes another to try to comfort the weeping character . this is most likely to come from a character who doesn't deal well with sympathy , even in the best of times . the broken bird , troubled, but cute , the tsundere , the jerk with a heart of gold and the ice queen are particularly likely to react this way . indeed , it may develop that their touchy character stems from this and can be resolved if it is . at one extreme, an injured character tries to avoid insensitive or demonstrative " sympathy " that rubs salt in the wound . they might accuse others of having come to gawk . they might fear that any response to their problem will break them down when they cannot afford to break down , the pity may be effusive for a trivial problem , or something that the character doesn't consider as such . in other examples , the character cannot tell their remorse is sincere ; the handicapped badass is managing just fine , thank you . at the other extreme , the sufferer rejects sorely needed and selflessly offered help and suffers all the more for it . they might inflict suffering on others in the process . genuine pity is often portrayed as an affront to the dignity of the pitied , as the pity - er is at least implicitly signaling their advantage over and superiority to the pitied , though there is also the popular aesop that too much pride is foolish and shallow . the injured character may hide from others to preempt pity . for any such character , mentioning his problem may hit a berserk button . the character can wallow in self - pity , but that's different . the effect is more dramatic if the characters knew each other before the injury or if the problem is invisible . the pitying character may change after the reveal . if the other person is in any way responsible for the injury , things can get very ugly indeed . ❞
stepford smiler | ❝ everyone loves purity sue . they can't help it ! she's practically perfect in every way . the Stepford Smiler is much like purity sue : she's bright , chipper , and an all - around pleasant person to be with . it's all a lie , of course . the stepford smiler is obsessed with projecting an image of wholesome happiness in order to be accepted by her peers . tragically enough , they'd probably accept her for who she is regardless of her self - imposed masquerade . her flawlessly crafted facade hides a real person that's usually breaking like so much fine china , in order to keep up the deception . ❞
broken hero | ❝ a hero who is a dropout , result of a failed experiment , or maybe just abandoned / abused as a child . nonetheless , this character is amazingly cheerful and optimistic , and nice to even the people who don't appreciate them . may be introduced as a big eater , a ditz , or some other harmless personality . they may even make some ostensibly humorous jabs at themself . their back story is usually learned in flashbacks sometime later in a show , sometimes without warning . this can shock the other characters , especially the rival anti - hero , and earns them respect . by definition , they are usually also stepford smilers or sad clowns . ❞
covered with scars | ❝ a character's entire body is covered in hundreds of scars . this trope is used to show that the character is a badass , a veteran or a broken bird who lived though a lot of fights or suffered a great deal of pain and torture . often times these scars will be linked to mental scars related to how they gained them . ❞
deadpan snarker | ❝ a character prone to gnomic , sarcastic , sometimes bitter , occasionally whimsical asides . they can vary wildly from rare , funny one - liners to complete obnoxiousness . the deadpan snarker note exists to deflate pomposity , point out the unlikelihood of certain plans , and deliver funny lines . typically the most cynical supporting character . in most cases , it is implied that the snarker would make a good leader , strategist , or consultant given their ability to instantly see the flaws in a constructed plan . more often than not , their innate snarkiness is the only thing preventing the other characters from comprehending this for themselves . in other cases , the deadpan snarker resorts to sarcasm because they're the only sane man . tends to be shot a death glare when they go too far ( and probably isn't without one of their own , either ) . note that due to the definition evolving , the " deadpan " part of the title has gradually become the artifact and a deadpan delivery is no longer a necessary part of the trope . sometimes the deadpan snarker is shown to be incapable of avoiding sarcasm , due to his insecurity about expressing any genuine thought or feeling , and his fear of withdrawing from the cynical position and protection . this may turn him into a stepford snarker . ❞
desperately looking for a purpose in life | ❝ some people receive the call to adventure , but others are left waiting by the phone . some will be lucky enough to quickly find a thing they can do . there are others who have to search a little bit more . the person who is desperately looking for a purpose in life is searching for what they could be good at or what would spiritually satisfy them and will try every possibility , even the most outlandish and odd . obviously , with little or no success . if for some reason they succeed in their new field , they will still feel empty and will quickly abandon the effort at the first chance , going back to the pursuit of their " destiny " . alternatively , the character indeed had found that satisfactory goal of life in the past , but life circumstances had irrevocably separated them from it . broken - hearted , they try with other things , often without success . in this case , they will abandon whatever they're doing if there is even a minimal chance of going back to the way it was . ❞
anti-hero | ❝ an archetypal character who is almost as common in modern fiction as the ideal hero , an antihero is a protagonist who has the opposite of most of the traditional attributes of a hero . they may be bewildered , ineffectual , deluded , or merely apathetic . more often an antihero is just an amoral misfit . while heroes are typically conventional , anti - heroes , depending on the circumstances , may be preconventional ( in a " good " society ) , postconventional ( if the government is " evil " ) or even unconventional . not to be confused with the villain or the big bad , who is the opponent of heroes ( and anti - heroes , for that matter ) . most are to the cynical end of the sliding scale of idealism vs . cynicism . there are just as many variations on anti - heroes as there are normal heroes . some common attributes are: rarely speaking , being a loner , either extreme celibacy or extreme promiscuity , parental issues , occasional bad dreams and flashbacks relating to a dark and troubled past that can take many forms depending on the anti - hero in question ; and being able to tell the story of their life through any nick cave song . some won't save the villain , but they will shoot the dog , and they will not hesitate to kill anyone who threatens them . other characters may try to impress upon them the value of more traditional heroic values through the power of friendship , but these lessons tend to bounce more often than stick . what amoral antiheroes learn , if they learn anything at all over the course of the story , is that an existence devoid of absolute values offers a lot of isolation . which may be to their liking . don't you dare pity me is common , and gratitude may be repulsed with think nothing of it ( just to get them to leave them alone ) . these often crop up in deconstructions of traditionally heroic genres . as the struggling , imperfect protagonist begins to gain more respect and sympathy than the impressive - but - impossible - to - relate - to invincible superhero , " anti " heroes have come to be admired as a perfectly valid type of hero in their own right . sometimes , they're not the " star " ( protagonist ) , but serve as the rival or worthy opponent of the protagonist and are prone to becoming a ensemble dark horse as fans enjoy their interactions with the protagonist . if they are part of a five - man band , they will most certainly be the lancer . well liked ones may become a deuteragonist or at least get a day in the limelight to please the fans . ❞
be all my sins remembered | ❝ roughly translated : " i don't deserve your praise . " this trope refers to that state of mind in a hero , an anti - hero , or possibly a villain , in which they reflect on how they are not worthy of the adulation or acclaim or status they have received . this isn't necessarily others denouncing them , or giving them inverted praise , as in mark antony over caesar's body . this is where they either think or overtly says something like , " i am not worthy “ or " i've done terrible things [ to get here ] . " they may not regret the actions themselves , but typically they regret having to take the action . the idea is that they have either forced , through circumstances or personal weakness to do terrible things . if they do regret their misdeeds and consider them unnecessary , then they might be the atoner . ❞
the mccoy | ❝ the mccoy is another part of the freudian trio , along with the kirk and the spock . ( specifically , the id . ) where the former is rational and intuitive , and the latter is cold and logical , the mccoy is emotional and humanistic . he cares about others deeply ; for him doing the right thing is not a question of convenience or moral relativity , but about the concrete reality right now . which is to say , someone like the kirk cares about saving people ; the mccoy cares about making things right . that is to say , when placed in front of the to be lawful or good dilemma , the mccoy will always choose the " good " option in a heartbeat . this often leads the heroes into hot water as this concern for others blinds him to complications in the moral dilemma of the week and leads him to advocate ( or take it upon himself to do ) " the right thing " , regardless of how disastrous it would be in the short or long run . that said , they help keep the drama of a situation personal both for the characters and the viewer , reminding us just why the littlest cancer patient deserves for the hero to use the applied phlebotinum that only works once on him rather than to get them home . to be fair , the spock can be just as compassionate , but is tempered with detachment and enough forethought to realize that the right answer might not be the correct one , ( illogical as that sounds ) . this makes them more willing to sacrifice a few people for many ( or sacrifice themselves ) . the mccoy is frequently a target for reminders about the prime directive ; one or more episodes might focus on how having his heart on his sleeve can actually cause quite a bit of damage to the people he " helps " with the best of intentions . the mccoy still functions as an admirable character , however , due to his absolute devotion to his moral beliefs and his refusal to give in to what others may tell him . to him , there is no such thing as acceptable losses ( unless offset by a larger return fitting the loss ) . and if you start claiming that numbers can be lost or that a million is a statistic , you can expect a thorough chewing out for your coldness . in the mccoy's mind , every life matters and everyone deserves to be saved . while the spock sees people as numbers in the greater picture , the mccoy sees people with real lives and emotions . not that he's unwilling to listen to the spock ; he just doesn't want his own argument to lose legs in the process . also , the mccoy exists as a counterpart to the spock . if they are the moral center of the team in general too , then they are the heart as well . likely to be the red oni in a red oni , blue oni combination . closely related to the mccoy are hot - blooded and agent mulder . probably sides with the romanticists in romanticism versus enlightenment . ❞
cigarette of anxiety | ❝ so the world's about to end , you didn't save the girl , you did but she's about to give birth , or you just had a really bad day at work . while others might be needing a freaking drink right about now , it's not going to cut it for you . what you really need is a cigarette . possibly 20 . and sometimes all at once . this is also where the phrase " smoke 'em if you got 'em " is likely to come in . stress smoking is a popular way to depict just how nervous or upset a character is , doubly so if they have previously quit and fall off the wagon because they cannot handle their anxiety any other way . if the only time the character lights up is when things have gone south , it's this trope . this is often spoofed in old cartoons , where a really stressed out character would be surrounded by cigarette butts , but can be used in dramatic works as well . a common method of showing stress is to show the character's shaking hands as they fumble to hold the light to the cigarette . somewhat of a truth in television , as the nicotine in smoking does ( sorta )help with stress , however , in the grand scheme of things , it's a short - term solution to a long - term problem ; the user only thinks that their stress is gone from smoking , when in reality , their underlying stress has been covered up by the nicotine ; not treated . also , if they keep up the habit they will have to deal with the stressor of addiction . ❞
stockholme syndrome | ❝ stockholm syndrome is a phenomenon in which kidnap victims can develop loyalty , sympathy , or affection ( sometimes even sexual attraction ) for a captor . especially if said captor provided them with a pet the dog moment that the captive , under extreme stress , exaggerates as a genuine sign of affection . it has , at times , been considered a real life phenomenon , although currently it is more in the realm of defunct psychology , as most current mental health professional don't agree stockholm syndrome is a real thing . this can develop in kidnapping victims , political prisoners , and prisoners of war , or in hostage situations when there is a long standoff with police ( like the ever popular bank robbery situation ) . it has even been known to happen in prisons between prisoners and wardens . it's named after a robbery that took place in stockholm - employees at a bank were held hostage for six days , and some of them ended up defending the robbers afterwards . in stories , any time a captive comes to love their captor , the stockholm syndrome trope is in play . many of these stories feel forced , starting with captivity and jumping straight to the love . the most realistic depictions of stockholm syndrome in this manner of story include not only the kindnesses , but also the extended time needed , and a clear isolation from outside influences . ❞