Posts by kestrelsong ~

May these words be the first to find your ears

The world is brighter than the sun now that you're here

Though your eyes will need some time to adjust

To the overwhelming light surrounding us

Soft ivory paws propelled her body forward, treading through the snow. There was a steady drip of crimson staining the slush beneath the she-cat’s form, leading away from the rogue lands, and towards the river that surrounded the territory of the place she called home. The only thing keeping the girl going was the thought of finally being able to return home to her children, her friends, and the rest of her family.

It had been a long journey but the bubbling of the river resonating in her ears proved how close she was to the end. Hope filled her chest, making her forget the excruciating pain she was in, and had been in for the last few moons. Letting her paws carry her towards the familiar sound, the molly’s famous emerald gaze disappeared behind her eyelids while she thought back on the last few moons.

I'll give you everything I have

I'll teach you everything I know

I promise I'll do better

Phoenix had cornered her while she was walking the territory by herself. The she-cat was unfamiliar - a tortoiseshell form that sneered and taunted, claiming to hurt her entire family if Kes didn’t do exactly what she said. The rogue seemed to know all about her and her life, the names of her kits, her pregnancy. It was an easy decision for the golden mother. She would give her life to save her family. The day after she had her second litter, Kestrelsong disappeared, with the help of Beewing. He was the only one she told, for fear that the Clan would find out and come looking for her. Not even Chasingcomets or Bearthroat knew of her whereabouts. And so, her death had been faked.

The truth surrounding her capture was only revealed when she was taken by Phoenix to the rest of the rogues. The tortoiseshell she-cat was Kestrelsong’s older half sister, who left RiverClan at a young age, due to feeling neglected by their shared father once he started his new family and vowed to get revenge. It was all a sick game for her - the hatred she harbored for Kestrelsong had consumed Phoenix’s life and she wanted to terrorize the golden molly by making her leave her family like their father had done to Phoenix.

I will always hold you close

But I will learn to let you go

I promise I'll do better

Thoughts of her kits were the only thing that kept her hanging on. Through the torture, starvation, and loneliness, she thought of Heronpaw, Wavepaw, Parrotpaw, Honeypaw, Cloverpaw, Shorepaw, Crescentpaw, Sycamorepaw, Vixenkit, Fawnkit, Bettakit, Aloekit, Dovekit, and Swankit. They were her main reasons for living and making it home. Her first litter, her sweet girls, they were almost ten moons old by now and her second litter would be apprentices soon. Kestrelsong counted down the days, hoping to stay alive, and praying to make it home soon.

I will soften every edge

I'll hold the world to its best

And I'll do better

There had to be a plan. Leaving the rogue group wouldn’t be as simple as ‘escaping’. She would need to kill Phoenix to be assured that her family would be safe. Every day Kes was getting weaker and feared the longer she waited the chances of her succeeding would decrease as well. Truthfully, though, she never came up with a plan. It happened by chance - the surge of adrenaline coursing through her veins as her claws connected with the neck of her captor. Blood flowed and still stuck to her coat now, matted and thick. There were claw marks across her shoulder from where Phoenix had fought back and the wound stung as she walked away. Kestrelsong had escaped by luck and left her half-sister in the snow, blood pooling around her form.

With every heartbeat I have left

I will defend your every breath

And I'll do better

Being so close to her home made the golden tabby's heart thump unevenly. There was worry clouding her thoughts, distracting her from the happiness of finally being reunited with her family. What would everyone think? Would she be able to explain herself before judgement was cast? What about her youngest litter? Would they even know who she was? Would they accept her? Trying to think of the positives was difficult when there were so many things that could go wrong for her as soon as she would step into the camp. Judgement would come - that she already knew. All that was important was that her family was safe and they would believe her. Everything else she could handle.

Cause you are loved

You are loved more than you know

I hereby pledge all of my days

To prove it so

Kestrelsong could smell the patrols in the distance as she crossed the river gently. Anyone unfamiliar with the territory wouldn't know how to get to camp without being stopped by a border patrol. However, she knew the path like the back of her hand and she had no time to be questioned - as she knew she would be if they spotted her. The beautiful molly was almost unrecognizable with the blood covering her, both hers and Phoenix's. But her emerald eyes were familiar to anyone that knew her. Though, the softness in them was replaced with determination and hardness, they were still the same striking color.

Stepping into camp on shaky legs, the she-cat let her gaze search for a familiar face. Any face. The face of her daughters or sons, Chasingcomets or Bearthroat, Beewing, Tempestwing, Gladefall, Duskoak, Rootlegs, anyone. "Help," she mumbled softly as the exhaustion, hunger, and blood loss brought her body sinking to the ground on her stomach.

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside

The rush of bodies towards her was familiar. Many had crowded around with the birth of both of her litters and again when she had nearly drowned. Those days were full of love and worry and even panic, but this was pure chaos and anger floated heavy in the air. Tears flowed and words were thrown around and some cats entered the scene, just to turn and leave.

The tabby's heart ached seeing her friends and family so distraught. Guilt washed over her and her heart thumped slowly from the pain plastered on their faces. In her heart, though, she knew if given the choice again, she would make the same decision. She might have left Beewing out of things, because it seemed his pure heart really couldn't take the burden of it, but everything else would have been done the same.

A grateful smile formed at Vixensong's approach. She and the calico were never the best of friends, but seeing her concern and eagerness to help calmed the she-cat for the coming moments. Briefly wondering where Chasingcomets was, she lifted her head, gazing around for him. But a different calico form was there instead, accompanied with a familiar voice speaking the word that she had missed for moons. Mom. Heronpaw was sinking to the ground and Kestrelsong could feel her heart break and she tried to pull herself forward to reach out to her daughter.

Interrupted by the sight of her two friends, the queen turned to see Springhawk and Stormbird standing before her and she let her gaze fall to the ground, not sure if she felt embarrassed or ashamed amidst the mass of felines surrounding her. Stormbird's tears registered the same reaction in her as Heronpaw's had and she desperately wanted to comfort the young she-cat.

Beewing's distraught form was the next distraction and her head snapped to face him. His reaction broke something else in her heart. This time it was guilt. Kes never imagined putting that kind of responsibility on the tom's shoulders and she knew she would live every day for the rest of her life regretting putting him through that pain. He was essential to everything being pulled off and she was forever thankful but it wasn't worth seeing him this upset. Her fluffy golden tail gently flicked, beckoning him to come closer. She mouthed a 'thank you' to the young tom as tears filled in her eyes. What she did to him wasn't fair and she would be sure to speak with him later - thank him for being an essential part of saving her kits' lives.

Four daughters were next. Two from the first litter, one from the second, and one adopted. All loved the same and all sent her heart thumping. The calico coats of Parrotpaw and Honeypaw and the blue and white one of Shorepaw were especially familiar. She had spent the majority of their lives memorizing them, not wanting to ever take a single moment for granted. Kestrelsong was glad to have those memories of them when she was away - being able to pull up an image of them in her mind was something that got her through every day.

Parrotpaw's voice was surprised, concern, desperate when she saw Kes before running to Beewing's side. Honeypaw's reaction was ... more angry and resentful and Kessy could only watch as her daughter turned and stalked away. Shorepaw looked relieved, calling her by that title again. "It's me, baby, I'm here," she murmured. It was not only spoken to the blue mink but also to any other one of her kits that had not left yet.

Her eyes landed on each of them, before finally finding their place on Swankit's face. Familiar, yet not as much as the others. It was clearly one of the kits she had given birth to but she had not had the time with them like she had with the others. She wasn't as lucky with them. The kitten looked annoyed and Kestrelsong had to remind herself that this kit did not know her. "Swankit, I'm Kestrelsong. Your mother." Tears welled in her eyes and she lowered her head, not sure if she wanted to see the expression on her baby's face.

Twistedtail approached and left quickly, having a similar reaction as Honeypaw and Kes let out a low groan. This was all wrong. Of course, she hadn't been expecting to be met with open arms, but no one even asked what had happened. Did they all just assume that the she-cat who would devote her life to her family and RiverClan would up and leave for no reason, or even a stupid reason?

"Listen, I know most of you aren't happy with me. But I think if you heard my reasons for leaving, you wouldn't feel the same way. And, well, if you do, it's not my problem. I was given a choice and I made it and if you can't accept it, then that's a shame," the thin she-cat called out weakly to the surrounding felines in camp.

"The lives of my family were threatened if I didn't leave. It was an easy choice to make and I would make it again a hundred more times to save my family. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way. Her mouth was drawn into a hard frown, uncommon on the she-cat's normally sweet face.

Exhausted green eyes blinked softly at the deputy, only listening as the tabby stormed in and started spewing angry words. That was all anyone had done since she returned - blamed her and told her how terrible she was for leaving. As if she just randomly decided she didn't want to be here anymore and left. As if she had run off to BloodClan or another Clan and purposefully abandoned them without a second thought. They could think what they wanted. Kes knew her reasonings for leaving and she though she regretted the hurt that leaving brought, she didn't regret her decision.

"That's quite enough, Twistedtail," she responded coolly. The tabby deputy was someone she thought of as a friend and someone she respected but her voice was low and full of warning. "Before you crucify me for my decisions, you should try to remain level-headed and listen to my reasons." Everyone was so worked up and jumping to their own conclusions before ever listening what she had to say. "I understand why you and the others are upset with me. Though, I did think you all knew me better than to assume I would leave my family and this Clan for no reason at all. I have been loyal to RiverClan since the day I was born and been a devoted mother for almost half of my life now. I would not leave if I thought I had any other option."

""

Seeing as no one was offering to help besides Springhawk, the golden and white she-cat pushed herself to her paws, legs shaking. She wanted to go after Honeypaw, especially since Vixensong was following her and she couldn't wait to hear about the nasty things the calico was filling her daughter's head with. And then Heronpaw left and Duskoak, Gladefall, and Wavepaw emerged. It was all very overwhelming and the she-cat could feel her head spinning. She stumbled once, falling back down onto her stomach with a wince.

Something flared inside of her chest - anger, frustration, rejection. Everything she had done for the majority of her life had been for her children. Since the day she found out she was pregnant with her first litter, her whole life had been devoted to making sure they were safe and taken care of. Never had she dreamed things would be like this and though she knew they had reasons to be upset, she couldn't understand their pure anger without listening to what she had to say.

"None of you really know me if you assume I would leave for no reason." She was Kestrelsong. The sweet, caring, mother to all. She adopted many and even those she hadn't formally adopted, such as Stormbird and Beewing, she took under her wing and thought of them as her own. The whole Clan really thought that she was some monster that would just walk away from it all.

"I'm sorry, Swankit. I wish I didn't have to leave you and your siblings, but I hope you believe me when I tell you that it was something I had to do to protect you." Her words were soft, only to the young she-cat before she lifted her head. Her green gaze was hard and her face was set in a frown. This was not the return she had hoped for and it was truly her worst nightmare. Everyone she loved and revolved her life around were now against her, turning their back for an assumed meaningless abandonment. I wish Phoenix had just killed me.

""

The scent in her temporary nest in the medicine cat den was overwhelming her senses. It had been so long since rosemary, honey, mint, lavender, and all, filled her head, that it had shocked her at first. It was a warm and welcoming feeling, as her maw parted to let more of it fill her. Chasingcomets had smelled this way. Her love. Now he was gone. Grief took over but her maw remained open, welcoming the fragrance around her and dreaming of him when she slept.

Kestrelsong was jerked awake at the sound of someone in distress, motherly instincts still there, despite not being one for a few moons. Pushing weakly to her now cleaned snowy paws, the she-cat padded out of the medicine cat den to see Honeypaw trying to expel something from her system to no avail. Heronpaw was there as well as Rootlegs and Springhawk and her head tilted in question.

She remained silent but there was a suspicious feeling rising in her stomach, thinking of when she had been feeling something familiar. Kes wanted to dismiss the thought, thinking surely her daughter hadn't been doing the type of things to get herself into this situation. Knowing as well that Honeypaw wouldn't want to hear what she had to say, the long time queen watched, idling by the entrance.

""

As Rootlegs spoke, Kestrelsong felt her heart drop, head turning slowly to face Honeypaw to gauge her reaction. Was it true? She had her suspicions but didn't think she would have to deal with this until her first litter was much older. They were still babies themselves ... Her own stomach lurched at the thought of a tom touching Honeypaw and anger boiled beneath the surface of her skin. When she found out who it was ... she found make sure to have a talk with him.

Honeypaw's reaction confirmed the mother's fears and she turned her head away from her daughter, feeling the tears prick her eyes. Being a mother was the hardest and most fulfilling thing she had done in her life, but Honeypaw was still so young. Yes, mature, and she was sure she would do great, but there were so many things that could go wrong at her age. It was hard physically and mentally to birth and raise kits and she knew that her daughter would need a strong support system.

At Ryecatcher's words, the golden tabby's fur stood on end and she whirled around to face the chocolate and white tom. Did he just say it's okay? Feeling her face heat up, she spoke for the first time, "Rye, my love, I don't know what fantasy world you're living in, but I would not describe this situation in any such way. This is ... not okay," she murmured the last sentence, looking over her shoulder back at Honeypaw. She was sure the girl would misinterpret the meaning behind her words - blow up on her maybe.

"Honeypaw, if this is true, you need to let Rootlegs examine you further and start taking it easy. Things can go wrong when you're this young and the priority now is making sure you and the kits you are carrying are safe." Her words were soft but thick with worry, having seen a few apprentices go through pregnancy and it wasn't always ... the best outcome.

""

( WAVEPAW .   HERONSTAR.   .Honeywhisper.   .parrotsong.   Cloverhawk   Shoreheart.   aloepaw.   swanpaw!   bettapaw   POPPYTHROAT   fawnheart. this is a thread for kes to talk to all of the kits and just try to make peace with them and explain what happened! )

Kestrelsong sat behind the nursery, watching the ripples of the small creek that ran behind it, reminiscing fondly on a memory of Shorepaw when she was just a kitten - that was the day Kestrelsong knew that her love reached further than just for the ones that she had given birth to. The tiny blue and white kit was loved just as much as the others and had her own equal place in Kessy's heart. For a while, she thought it might burst with how full it was. Even with the hole left by never quite having Chasingcomets, her heart thumped for her children. All of them. First litter, second litter, adopted - regardless if they knew it or not, regardless of how mad they were at her, they were loved probably more than anyone else in the world. She was devoted to them, and clearly, she would give her life for them. She almost had.

That was why she had to make things right with them. Having them all so angry with her was tearing the she-cat to pieces. These damn kits were her whole life and thinking that many of them would rather not speak to her cut deep. Maybe it was selfish, but she didn't care. She would not give up on making things right with them. So, she sent a few NPC apprentices to send the word out about meeting behind the nursery at the tiny creek. They were not told who was waiting, in hopes that they would show up if they didn't know it was her on the other end of it.

Kestrelsong waited.

""

One of the last to speak up, Kestrelsong lay her striking emerald gaze on the familiar face of the brown tabby. Although a part of her was glad she could give a life to her friend, she wished she was still with her to offer guidance and a clear head when necessary. It pained her so much to see her friends and family living their lives in confusion and pain. She tried to be a presence when she could, to offer an invisible and comforting starry touch, but those moments were brief and hardly helpful when she was claimed by the stars.

When it was her turn, Kes took a deep breath and dipped her head towards the new leader. The stars moved along as a part of her being now, and she always marveled at them. "Twistedstar," she murmured, the sweetness still very much present in her sing-song voice, "It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it old friend?" What she wouldn't give to reach out and wrap her paws around the other she-cat. Fur-to-fur contact with the tabby. When Kes died, her relationship with Twisted was strained. Her heart broke every time she thought about the friendships and trust that were broken - and she was called to StarClan before she even had a chance to explain herself.

This was not the time, though. This was a ceremony for Twisted. It was something Kestrelsong had looked forward to so much. Nightstar was a good, solid leader, and Twistedtail would be too. "You deserve this. I am more proud of you than you will ever know. I give you the life of forgiveness. Rise above the hurt and the wrongdoings, and search deep within your heart for forgiveness. Others are struggling and may need your help. Find it within your heart to accept apologies, mend relationships, and build trust again." It was a special life to give and she hoped that with it, Twistedstar would be able to one day forgive her.

Placing one starry paw in front of the other, Kestrelsong touched her nose to the new leaders and a rumbling purr rose in her throat. "Congratulations, Twistedstar." When she pulled away, she let her eyes connect with the she-cat's. They were encouraging, motherly, hopeful.

""

( had to post something quick <3 congrats to both of u! )

A starry figure, unseen to all, would watch fondly as Twistedstar held her first meeting as leader. Kestrelsong knew the she-cat would do amazing things with RiverClan. Hopefully she would lead with a clear head and a present heart. As the deceased molly watched, she could feel her chest swell, warmth filling her form as she saw her clanmates gathered around to hear their leader. A few stood out especially - Heronswoop, Stormbird, and Gladefall.

When her friend's name was called, the star-adorned she-cat let her eyes close, allowing memories to flow to the forefront of her mind. Their talks, his advice, her ignorance, his frustration, her hurt, her swollen body padding along next to his towards their garden. He deserved this, so much.

Twistedstar and Gladefall. Lead with a firm paw, but keep your heart open. Although she was sure the message would never reach either of their ears, it was a wish she held for both of them. To find happiness, and not let the pressures of leading the sometimes chaotic Clan weigh them down and pull them under the tide.

This was her home. Kestrelsong whispered, 'I love you, RiverClan' to herself before departing.

""