Posts by tansystar

She was undeniably worried.

Tansyface hadn't liked Icefeather taking lonely walks, had felt like the other was pulling away. She didn't know what to say, when to speak and when to be silent. Didn't know how to soothe Icefeather's hurt, nor her own. It was impossible to not see Icefeather under a different light, and it wasn't that she didn't trust or love Icefeather anymore, but that suddenly Tansyface felt unsurefooted. This was big, something Tansyface had thought an impossibility. Was something she never considered. Disconcerting, alienating.

She waits near camp's entrance. A vigil of sorts. It feels like the night she had earned her warrior name, silent and sitting guard and so full of worries. When would Icefeather be home? (she wouldn't have left, would she? icefeather would stay? ...tansyface shouldn't doubt. she does anyway.) She is drawn from her thoughts by a scent, by scents. Icefeather trailed by a kit. All that was needed was snow, and Tansyface would have had deja vu.

He wouldn't replace what was lost, but he was small and he needed someone to look after him, had clearly already taken a liking to Icefeather, and what Icefeather needed right now was to nurture and to be needed. She made a decision then, that what was Icefeather's would be hers, this time. She trots, meets Icefeather with a headbutt, and turns her attention towards Icefeather's young charge, "Icefeather..." They'll need to talk about this, but not now, not in front of the kit, "Does he have a name?"

Tansyface bows, it's what feels natural. It's low, until her chin touches the ground, her single eye open and reverent. To think she was alive to be witnessing this! Tansyface rises and she is uncertain if she wants to step closer or back away, stays in place instead. The others already ask for what it is StarClan could need, and Tansyface has to wonder what could be done. StarClan losing power... it was completely out of Tansyface's scope. "Anything," Tansyface says, and even though it is the star-pelted elder that is asking for help, it is Tansyface who sounds as if she is begging, "Anything you need," Whatever Tansyface could give, whatever she could promise.

Owl. Tansyface sucks in a breath between her teeth and tries not to react outwardly.

Looks to Icefeather. Did she know? Undoubtedly, yes, she had to. "Owlkit, we'll call you here," Tansyface says, still looking at Icefeather for... reassurance? Acknowledgement? Tansyface doesn't know. She'd already decided that this kit would be as much hers as he was Icefeather's, and hoped his past wouldn't stop her from seeing him as that. Tansyface looks to Owlkit then, watches quietly as Daisykit speaks to him. Someone would need to move into the nursery with him. Keep him company, watch over him and keep him out of trouble, teach him everything he needs to know before facing apprenticeship.

Tansyface is willing, she thinks. She's done it before, but maybe Icefeather wished to be the one to do it? And Tansyface had her responsibilities as deputy... They could always split time spent in the nursery between themselves. Icefeather and her would really need to talk after this. "Already making a friend," Tansyface notes, although Daisykit seems... less than enthused by Owlkit.

Tansyface gave a soft hum in response to Icefeather's question, which was morning speak for a variety of different things, but in this instance meant no, I'm not sure. She quiets as Briarstar speaks, only half listening at first. If it was anything important, she was certain she could figure it out later. That was at least until her kit's name was said, and Tansyface found herself sitting upright instead of supporting her weight against Icefeather, suddenly awake. Goldenpaw had wanted to change his name? And he'd not told her first?

Darkpaw suited him as well as Goldenpaw had, but Tansyface had to wonder why. "It's a lovely name," Tansyface calls to Darkpaw, because it is and she doesn't want him to think otherwise, even if she is a little miffed. Then, quieter, to Icefeather she says, "Had he mentioned anything to you?"

Tansyface had not forgotten her gut reaction to seeing Hornetsting on the day of his return. Instead, it had taken root in her, wrapped itself around her ribcage and burrowed into her belly. He'd not been himself, threatening violence he wasn't certain he could stop, and in turn Tansyface was fearful. He haunted ShadowClan like an errant ghost, and she watches him like she would watch a passing fox. (would today be the day he does something worse than bite?) Tansyface was wary, felt rightfully so. Treating Hornetsting like he was a string pulled taut and about to snap wasn't, perhaps, the most inductive for healing, but Tansyface hadn't made it this far passing out trust like is was a commonality.

As he enters camp with a rabbit between his jaws and blood blooming from his pelt, Tansyface shifts minutely, keeps him out of her blindside. "Get that looked at before it gets infected," She calls to him. Tansyface found herself uncertain if she preferred him staying away, or here in camp where he could be watched.

Watching three kits rather brazenly walk out from camp was enough for Tansyface to rise to her paws and follow, expecting to see them disappearing into the brush as she was still in the mouth of camp. What Tansyface wasn't expecting was to see the three of them not making a run for it, but instead, watching fireflies. "This is enough for all of your apprentice ceremonies to be postponed." She snaps, looking all of them over with the sternest expression she could manage, "Is that what you want? To forever be a moon behind in your training?" She sweeps her gaze over the three kits, then to Crowsleep and Aspen. The fireflies truly are beautiful.

Tansyface sighs.

"Alright, for tonight I will allow this. If I even hear a rumor that this little adventure has had a repeat you'll be gray in the face before you can even start to think about being a 'paw. Understood?" With that out of the way, Tansyface turns her attention to the fireflies. The blink temptingly, and Tansyface doesn't resist. Takes two bounds, jumps into the air, and snatches one of the fireflies in her mouth. The taste is just as awful as Tansyface had remembered, but she hadn't snatched it for the taste. She turns around and sticks her tongue out, revealing that the glowing liquid that was inside the firefly was now coating her tongue, "See?" She prompts, tongue still sticking out.

She worries.

Emotions aren't something Tansyface has ever been good at. She always feels too much, always feels like fluttery happiness or cold fury is an invader in her chest and in her paws, something that takes over her until dissipating like smoke, leaving Tansyface with the mess she's made, the apologies to sort, the hurt pride to mend, the broken friendships to miss. Worry is as if she is being drug by a tether around her chest, like a second heartbeat in the space behind her eye, the weight of stone in her gut. (love is a swirling promise, a fire that keeps warm and a threat to those who wish to harm the ones she keeps close. it snatches her like a predator does prey, and tansyface has long since stopped trying to categorize feelings as good or bad because they all steal her with the same intensity.)

Tansyface feels hesitant as she enters camp, her steps slower than what is usual, a trinket held in her teeth. Something small and plastic, a gaudy blue color that had caught her attention in the carrionplace, but now that it was here felt out of place. She waits near the entrance, scans slowly over camp as if she hadn't immediately spotted Icefeather. Finally, she picks her way over, only setting the trinket down when Tansyface was close enough to do so at Icefeather's feet. "Hey," Said softly, and it feels wholly inadequate. Tansyface looks from Icefeather's face to where Owl played.

She sits beside Icefeather, close enough to feel Icefeather's back against her flank, and looks upwards to the sun. "He loves you. He'll... how many times will he seek you?" How many times can you take? Is the unasked question. Just thinking about going through it feels draining to Tansyface. How many times would Icefeather be forced to see him to his death? "I don't want this to be your undoing." She realizes only after it's said that it may sound like Tansyface is trying to talk her out of this which Tansyface would never dream of. She shakes her head, looks away from the sun to instead, the canopy of the trees.

"I want to share in this with you. One of us should move back into the nursery, until he's apprenticed. Otherwise he'll be in there without kin. I wasn't sure... I could stay with him overnight, but I'm needed elsewhere during the day." And unsupervised kits had a way of getting into trouble.

Carrot disease? Wasn't that some kind of flower? Presumably one rabbits enjoyed, although ultimately it didn't matter if it was a bird or a plant or a nonsense word Hornetsting had just decided to make up, "It isn't a joke, and it isn't funny." She snaps, edging closer. It doesn't look bad to Tansyface, but she is far from an expert in these things. Infection could set in quickly from rabbit and rodent bites alike. Tansyface doesn't want this dismissed with a laugh and a snort.

The sudden shift in tone surprises Tansyface into a step backwards. She's lonely and she's lonely often. Even with Icefeather and with everyone, after everything that has happened she will always feel a step out of sync with her clanmates. It isn't by any choice, if she could change it she would have, but she's tried and she's failed enough times to accept it as a fact. Just another worry to shoulder. Not so much a preference but a resignation.

Perhaps Hornetsting is looking for sympathy or camaraderie or maybe he's just curious, but Tansyface doesn't like his expression, the way his eyes shine. "I prefer when I'm not asked prying questions. I wouldn't ask you the same like that in front of everyone- decency, I think it's called," It's then that Tansyface notices Icefeather- how much had she heard?- and immediately finds herself embarrassed for her defensiveness. Heat that works it's way into the tips of her ears, an eye that darts downward, but she must wonder what Hornetsting had expected.

It's a peaceful midmorning, one with bird song and the shouts of kits in play. White, low hanging clouds cast shadows onto the ground, and the scent of humidity colors every breath. Tansyface sits, simply enjoying the morning. Life has too many hard edges, it was important to take moments to appreciate any softness that could be found.

"You look fine," The interruption comes from a young warrior standing beside her. From the angle of his stance, it could be assumed that he was just passing by, had stopped only to comment.

"Hm," Tansyface replies distractedly, then, "What?"

"You." He sounds exasperated, like he is talking to an apprentice that conveniently hadn't noticed how a denmate's nest managed to get littered with thorns.

"...Me?" Tansyface prompts.

The warrior rolls his eyes -rolls his eyes!- at Tansyface, "You've been grooming that same spot for the better part of the morning, I'm sure it's never been cleaner."

Has she? Tansyface hadn't noticed, but she found herself paused midlick to her paw, poised for the familiar motion of swiping over her cheek. Slowly, she lowers the paw, "Hadn't noticed I was doing it," She confesses, "Just have an itch, must be a bug bite."

"Some itch, you've groomed the fur clean off!" The warrior is standing closer now, brow wrinkled in concern.

"What, no I haven't," Comes Tansyface's immediate denial. She looks around for something to inspect her reflection in, then, remembering the current lack of puddles, returns her attention to the warrior, "No I haven't!"

"And your paw," He continues, undeterred.

Tansyface looks down, turns her paw, and finds what the warrior was speaking about. A small patch of fur was missing, exposing a round area of skin, which was tinted red. There was no denying the existence of that. Was that what was on her face?

"The one on your face is bigger,"

"How did you know what I was-! Don't you have somewhere to be?" The warrior merely shrugs and continues walking, slipping out of camp and, thankfully, out of sight. Despite him trying to be helpful, Tansyface scoffs as he departs, then catches herself trying to rub at her cheek once more. She would just need to keep reminding herself to leave it alone, and by the day's end this whole thing would be forgotten about.

Perhaps it was just her picking up on Darkpaw's nervousness, but Tansyface had found herself nervous as well. Maybe it was the apparent suddenness of the name change, the question as to what else Tansyface hadn't known. The endless question, was this something serious? Was Darkpaw... breaking the warrior code in some way? Planning on leaving? Involved in something dangerous? There were uncountable scenarios Tansyface's mind produced, all in increasing threat.

The actual reason came as a relief.

Unexpected yes, but relieving.

"Come here," Tansyface croons, beckoning with a paw, "Let me tell you a story. It's not a long one, and it's about how I picked your first name, and how I picked all of your siblings' names. Shatteredsong hadn't liked their kit name. Was happy to be away from it, thought it too... mollyish? They felt it unfitting, anyway." It was the nature of their culture to shift names, both as signifiers of growth and rank, and so even if Tansyface hadn't understood how that change had differed from the rest, it was a change she took in stride. "When you were born, I hadn't wanted to give any of you names that felt unfitting. I searched for names that were... neutral, so to speak."

"This isn't to say I wish for you to go back to your old name! If this is the one that makes you happy, then it is the name that makes me happy. I just wanted to share that with you so you would know that from the very start this was something I had considered and, from even before your very first breath I have had nothing but love for you. Whenever you are ready for the rest of the clan to know, I will be there with you and, if anyone takes any issue with this, I'll have their head before they could even so much as cough."

The thought that they had done this in a past life is one Tansyface hadn't considered before.

Had everyone lived a life before? Tansyface had never found herself possessing knowledge she had no source for, never had memories from another time. "It sounds... exhausting," She answers honestly. When it is her time, she will have earned her rest. ShadowClan has done well before her birth, and they will manage after her death. There are many that she misses and while she will undoubtedly miss those she leaves behind, they will join her in time. Tansyface looks at Icefeather with intensity, "By my word, this will not be a child you see buried." It may not be a promise she could guarantee, but it is one she can hope for. May fate not make it a lie.

Icefeather goes on to speak about who will be watching him when, to which Tansyface nods along. "Will I be getting any time with him?" Tansyface teases lightly, then adds more seriously, "I don't want to be away from you all day and night. It may be unconventional but, what if we were both to move into the nursery at night? It might be crowded, but it will not be for long. Owlkit doesn't look so far from being of apprentice age, does he?"

She must bite back the instinct to be contrarian, to argue that Owlkit shouldn't have apologized even if, at first, she took no issue with how Daisykit had spoken to him because that's just how Daisykit was. Perhaps being used to it made Tansyface miss the rudeness of it, but hearing Owlkit apologize made Tansyface want to cuff Daisykit. Instead, she puffs out a breath, "The two of you are clanmates, like it or not. You'll need to learn to get along or you'll want to claw each other's ears by the end of the moon."

Tansyface listens quietly as Icefeather explains what a nest is which, she had done much better than how Tansyface would have explained it. She probably would have just reiterated that it was a nest, what was there to explain? It would be important to remember that Owlkit was from a completely different background from Tansyface. He wouldn't automatically know about the things Tansyface had grown up with, just as she would be clueless about... the twoleg things that he probably knew.

As Aspen approaches, Tansyface puts a protective paw on Owlkit's shoulder. It isn't so much that she believes that he will try anything, certainly not in front of everyone, but that she fears Owlkit will be easily influenced by anything BloodClan. That would be his undoing. "His name is Owlkit," She has to resist the urge to pull him closer, "Me and Icefeather are taking him in."

Tansyface was shaken.

Even as Nightgaze fell from her side, Tansyface continued onward for a few steps, oblivious to the lost weight. She had killed. There was no undoing that, no fixing that. Had taken another life so another may live. It wasn't until Tansyface tripped on a divot in the ground that she realized Nightgaze had collapsed. She couldn't distinguish the scent of blood from whatever blood was left on her tongue and this all felt like too much, and Nightgaze still needed her, didn't she? Tansyface felt slow to think, slow to respond. She needed to-

Tansyface was surprised to find herself in the medicine den. One moment she had been lost in camp, the next she was standing among the herbs without any recollection of making the short trip. It always was a comfortable place for her, no wonder she would wander in during her distress. Tansyface wanted to curl up in one of the corners and let whatever sickness that ailed her pass. She wanted to... The memories of Nightgaze come slowly, and Tansyface remembers she is still needed.

"Nightgaze," She starts, voice wavering, "She needs... someone. Help." Tansyface feels cold, feels out of her own skin, feels like she is fighting through clouds to speak. "Outside."

//tagging OLIVESLIP and SNOWNIGHT

Her hunt insofar has been largely unsuccessful. All it had taken was a single missed bird for the rest of them to startle higher into the trees, calling incessantly to one another. Their high pitched chatter had picked at Tansyface's hurt pride and so she moved onto different hunting grounds, prowling on silent paws until an unfamiliar scent stops her. Tall grasses part as Tansyface pushes through them, then close behind her with nothing more than the soft sound of the blades shifting together.

Tansyface stands small, but with the puffed chest and raised chin of someone much larger. A face marred by old scars and broken, yellowed teeth that reveal themselves when Tansyface speaks, "You haven't come here to admire the view, have you?" She takes a single step closer, her tail waving slowly behind her, "I have my guesses as to why you are here, but I want you to tell me." When someone stood at the border like this, they either wanted to join, to pass through, or to give news of some kind. Tansyface doubted it was the latter, typically if a clan was delivering news of some kind they would send a patrol.

There were names that one came to expect from certain groups. Clan names were a given, loners had names that Tansyface could at the very least understand, while kittypets tended to have nonsense names. (what in starclan's great name was an oreo, or a george?) Kittypets also tended to have a shortness to their names. Simplicity. "Asho- Azis- uh..." Tansyface wrinkles her nose as she stumbles over the name. Tansyface didn't mind if others offered nicknames to go by, but she would never willingly call one by a nickname. It invited the very really possibility that they would want to call her one in turn, and if Tansyface heard Tansywansy one more time she have no choice but to kill the offender. If she could get her mouth to say Abraham then she could do this.

There was also a point where this became a matter of pride. Saying Z would be a bit like defeat, wouldn't it?

"Alright, Aj-zish-kof-shen," Tansyface tries and ultimately fails to not flinch when she realizes her mistake, then decides that time she spends backtracking over this is time wasted, "I wonder if it is that you wish to join ShadowClan, or if it is that you wish to join any clan? You will be expected to care for others before you care for yourself, and you will be expected to live by our laws. For your first moon, you can consider yourself on a probation. At the end, if you are still here, you will have our trust. Until then you will be watched rather closely."

"If you still wish to join, come with- StarClan, Crowsleep!" As she had been speaking, Tansyface had began to turn away from the joiner, then visible startled when she spotted Crowsleep, "Have you been here the-? No, never mind, doesn't matter." Tansyface brushes past Crowsleep, calls over her shoulder, "Come with me, if this is what you wish!"

Icefeather's worry for Oliveslip draws a soft hum of acknowledgement from Tansyface. Oliveslip was stronger than she gave herself credit for, but it didn't feel wise to leave her alone for to long with everything going on. The sudden distress startles Tansyface. She presses closer, shifts so she could better see Icefeather, "We will find the time for one another," She soothes, assuming the current topic was the cause, "I will make the time if I must. It has been far too long since I've dropped in on the medicine den, really." It sounded like it would be crowded. Her, Icefeather, Oliveslip, and Owlkit all crammed into one space.

"We'll be packed closer together than ribs on a snake and I'll probably step on things I shouldn't but we'll manage, okay? We needn't miss one another, we live in the same clan," It was easy to feel separate from her clanmates. The odd one out. How many of her clanmates felt like disconnected parts instead of a portion of a greater whole? Those were thoughts for a different time. "And when Owlkit is apprenticed, we can all go on walks together. I'll drag Oliveslip by her scruff like a kit if that's what it takes to get her away from her work, and she can take whoever her apprentice is with her. Things will be good because we will make them so, okay?"

There was a period of time one was typically allowed to heal before being badgered with questions, but Tansyface was both terribly curious and in possession of impressively selective self control. (or, more accurately, tansyface had very little self control but a large enough helping of stubbornness which, under the correct circumstances, could be mistaken for an unshakable self control.) As Tansyface approaches, she reasons with herself that whatever details Rainface shares with her are ones she needn't repeat; it was news Tansyface would gladly spread. Calling her a gossip, while somewhat hurtful, was accurate enough.

"So," Tansyface says instead of any real greeting as she pauses in front of Rainface. Her paw drags a pattern in the dirt as she moves it idly, "How are you feeling?" It isn't the question she really wants to ask, but Tansyface could be polite on occasion. Rainface obviously wasn't feeling tip-top at the moment, one didn't need to be a medicine cat to see that. It was more of a question asked out of feigned formality, asking how someone was after an injury was just what one did, like dipping one's head to a passing elder or offering a bite out of a large piece of fresh-kill.

It takes her a moment to process just what exactly Icefeather means.

"When I heard you shout, I was afraid it would be another body for me to find," It's a hard thing to say. Tansyface hopes it isn't too hard to hear. She wants to stand, separate from all the places Icefeather seems to slot herself so easily, retreat from this conversation altogether. It brings back memories Tansyface never wants to forget, memories she hates to think about. Life was so incredibly frail, so easily broken, but Tansyface doesn't believe that this was a time when Icefeather was close to death.

Tansyface had seen what the rogue had done to Icefeather, what Icefeather had done to the rogue. The scratches Icefeather had received felt... superficial in comparison. "That wasn't a fight you could have lost," It comes out as gently as Tansyface can manage, uncertain if this will ease Icefeather or worsen what she already felt. "It could have ended differently but... but I don't believe it would have done so in the way you are thinking. Even so... it happened as it happened. 'What-ifs' will drown you if you keep asking them."

//tracking