[ literally none of this is important , it's all just flavor text , only the last few paragraphs are important !!! please dont try to match muse if you don't want to, I won't care at all so long as I get a reply !!! tysm <3 ]
he had not slept for three days .
it had been a while since he had arrived at the foot of the solaris kingdom , a place he had once called a tentative home as much as he had seen blizzardclan as one for a while . that had been years ago , though , and back then the group had been called something different and had been located on a different planet , let alone a different territory . what had once been a gorgeous expanse of sea and forest was now replaced by the arid heat of the desert , dust and sand forming out of each step he took , and des couldn't help but miss what he had once known . that was the story of his life , though , wasn't it ? missing things that were never meant for him , following after fading memories of things already gone even though he had been the first to leave . it was hypocritical of him to want others to stay and wait for him when he had never extended a hand to them in the first place . everyone knew he would leave them . . . him most of all .
it still bothered him enough that sleep did not come easy . after three years , though , it was easy to get used to it enough to not let it impact the rest of his waking hours ( there just happened to be an excess of them instead . ) instead of dwelling on the demons at the back of his head or paying attention to the ghosts in the corners of his eyes , he took to working instead . hunting was easy , patrolling even more so given how scarce individuals were at times . during the evening , when the sun was blazing far overhead and burning anything that dared to leave the shelter of their homes , not many ventured out to seek out the kingdom . to avoid unnecessary conversation he took to scheduling his walks during such times , scheduled everything else in between , and scheduled one sleep or a nap every five days . he swore he didn't need rest , even when he felt his eyes shutting any time he fell into the lull of a pattern .
sometimes it was harder than usual , though . des was good at pushing away his own needs in far more ways than just physical , but he ( perhaps more than anyone ) also knew the meaning of weakness and knew it was impossible to never sleep . it was always a shock to him when it happened , though , waking up from nightmares or just an eternal , heavy blackness that was far different than the empty dreams most had . there was nothing empty about his head , and the dark void that spread through his head during his dreams was not a sign of comfort any more than the fake spirits that haunted his soul . he had not slept for three days , but he had nodded off for more than three seconds before he had jolted awake once more , bloodshot and bagged eyes frantically searching the area around him as if fearing retaliation or attack .
there was a time in his life where he had hoped for a home . he did not wish for much , just a place he could rest his weary bones and let go of all the pain of his past in preparation for a gentle , uneventful future . it was a humble wish ; he did not want glory , didn't need some grandiose name , and frankly he wanted his name to be one that most forgot . he wanted to be a part of that grey mass , the muddled population that no one remembered . he wanted to fade away quietly into the background so that all of his problems and all the problems he had inadvertently caused could die with him .
home was never a word he had known . it stuck in his throat , a choked sound garbled by bittersweet laughter whenever he tried to force it out , and after years of trying to find a place he could stay and consider one , he had learned the hard way that such a place could not exist for him . it was impossible when history proved to him time and time again that his choices led to harsh consequences , when he hurt those closest to him after attempts to do the exact opposite . there had been too many places he had tried to call home, too many people who he most definitely could remember but did not want to for fear of digging himself even deeper into a self made hole of negligible nostalgia that would only worsen his condition . all he had was the pelt on his back , the tired paws that carried him through the lands , the necklaces around his neck that clinked together softly whenever he walked to remind him of the only person who he couldn't bear to forget - and himself . home was no longer an option ; he was his own home , and he took it wherever his paws decided to take him when he found himself running from problems and opportunities alike .
betrayal was a word he knew better . it plagued his life , the only thing had had known for years before penance made it's way sharply into his heart . redemption was a dream , and during long sleepless nights turning over his old mistakes and overthinking new ones he would inevitably make , des was more than ready to consider it a pipe dream at that . still , he tried . he tried even if he had left several places now , more than he could count both on earth and this new , strange place they deemed agrelos . he tried even as the ghosts followed suit , whispering blame into his ears , tugging at his pelt , urging his shaking paws to light cigarette after cigarette as if hoping to drown him in the smoke or start a bonfire within his dry , aching bones . he doesn't doubt it would be easy , if at all possible . he feels as wrung out as the timber they use for the blaze , and fire already dances upon his fingertips anyways . it isn't too far of a stretch to consider the guilt eating him inside out , ripping through his flesh , and burning whatever is left of him .
how many places has he tried to make into a home ? blizzardclan , sunclan , scarclan , the rogues . . . shit , there were likely more names of mutual adversaries that he had forgotten among the list , travelling from one enemy to another as if hoping it would make returning harder . in a way his plan had worked ; he hadn't returned to any of them but blizzardclan , once , and now he had left that place as well to try to make another home here . he isn't the only one with problems , though . commitment issues seem to plague everyone these days , and it is not uncommon to find people running - from real problems or perceived ones .
it was never that easy , though , was it ? it sounded easy ; all he had to do was stop , settle down , and begin building something better . all he had to do was dance this little game a little longer , hold out for long enough without the anxiety eating him out from the inside out , stay in a place long enough to build up trust in himself . trust in himself that he had earned it , that he wasn't just leaching off of that which others had built for themselves . that was the difficult part , though , wasn't it ? he had been trying to convince himself of it for years now , and yet his paws still carried him from one group to another in hopes that they would supply him with something that he could only really find within himself . he was running once more , but at this point it was so commonplace that it didn't cause him the fear it once did . it was a mantra he was used to , paws carrying him of their own accord once a place started to feel too much like home . he had tried to run to old places only to find haunting shadows at every turn , whispering to him of the good old days that had never really existed to begin with . the good old days were simply good because he hadn't cared what happened to him - he still didn't , not really , but the difference between who he was and who he was now was that he cared what happened to others because of him . that was the story of his life , though , wasn't it ? missing things that were never meant for him , following after fading memories of things already gone even though he had been the first to leave . it was hypocritical of him to want others to stay and wait for him when he had never extended such a hand to them in the first place . everyone knew he would leave eventually , but he knew it most of all .
he doubted this would be any different . history repeated itself too many times for him to think he would be staying here for long , but he needed a place to stay regardless . perhaps he'd be here for only a night , or perhaps he'd end up staying long enough to get attached like he always did . it seemed to be a recurring problem with him ; he was too warm , cared about people too much . it never ended up good for him , and at this point he had picked at the resulting scab long enough to leave a nasty , visible scar upon his heart . the chains around it never seemed to do him as much good as he wanted them to . he always ended up just cutting himself on their sharp edges , heart left bleeding despite how much he wanted to protect it from everything he had done . he still continued , though . somehow he found the strength to keep moving despite the fact that life broke down even stronger men than him , though that was hardly saying anything after at least five deaths in only the most recently passed year . he would never get rest . there really was nothing else he could do but go on .
he had never had much guidance or hope , though perhaps he could lie to himself and say that it had been hope that had guided him onward . he had been a target since he was born , but somehow he still found the time to smile , to bear the brunt of it all in the name of . . . in the name of what exactly ? a few years ago it wouldn't have mattered to him , wouldn't have fazed him that there was nothing left for him to truly continue on for . these days that seemed to be the very source of his problems . he didn't know why he still bothered to walk this earth with a grin on his maw and the faintest spark of warmth still nurtured inside his chest . life had destroyed those stronger than him and yet he still stood , lying his way into situations and then lying his way out of them when things got hard . maybe his hope was a lie , too , just one he had managed to convince himself was real . maybe he was just a dead man walking .
was he worthy anything? he knew he was worth about as much as the hide off of his back would get him, at least, maybe worth two damns at most from people who had bothered to care for him. he could name two right off the bat, at least. isaiah, his brother who he hadn't seen in years, and south, his sibling who he had seen in years, but bleeding out on the blizzardclan border. it was still a raw wound, perhaps one of the many things that had caused him to run once more, but it wasn't the only thing. he felt incompetent. he felt like, in the end, he wasn't ever doing enough for a clan that had tried to give him all the tools necessary to better himself. it hadn't helped. he still spent countless nights paranoid and sleepless, drinking his demons away until he passed out from both exhaustion and alcohol poisoning. he had still ran away three times before he decided to make it permanent, constantly giving those who cared at all for him some false semblance of hope that he would always come dragging his sorry ass back. not this time, though. he wasn't sure what the relationship between this place and blizzardclan was like, but in all honesty he couldn't give a damn. perhaps if they were enemies that would make his life easier.
he was always good at burning his bridges down .
the sweltering heat was a nice change from the frigid winters that blizzardclan brought, and much better than the humid warmth that the thunderlands had. both never struck his fancy, but the heat he was used to... adored, even. his coat and feathers caught the golden rays, golden tones shimmering across taut skin as if he were a phoenix in the flesh. there was irony somewhere in there if he looked hard enough, for sure, but he didn't have the heart to care. all he wanted was to stop, to rest, and these two folks who happened across his path were as good a sign as any that he might be able to pass out somewhere safe soon. both seemed like decent individuals, but that didn't say much from a man who believed even his abusers had been decent folk once upon a time. his trust was hard to give, but it seemed that his hatred was even harder to earn.
the soft whisper of the sand in the gentle zephyrs of the early morning was a soothing distraction to the ailments that seemed to plague him no matter where he went . moments like these , uninterrupted by war and chaos , were rare , and it wasn't often that he had a proper mindset to let his own sorrows quiet inside his soul . it was peaceful here , and while the problems would all still be there when he turned the corner and made his way back to the skyclan camp , for now it was easy to lose himself within the confines of that soft , nurturing confide of his mind he sometimes forgot existed .
the mornings were more quiet than the evenings , the bustle of clan life halted for a few ephemeral seconds during which the children all slept and only those who had been tasked with the most odd hours to patrol were about . his thoughts were preoccupied by the atmosphere and the land , and thoughts of business were nothing more than a faint afterthought . the sun had only just started to rise over the horizon , casting azure shades upon the tall dunes that were a precursor to the golden sunlight just starting to poke out from that part of the ground where earth and sky connected , and he found it a better thing to focus on than the negativity that always lurked somewhere beneath his already stormy waters . today was a rare occurrence , and he was selfish enough to indulge in it before it , too , went away .
a hum left his jaws , quiet and non committal as he paused in his travels , a good few feet away from the scent that marked the solaris kingdom’s territory . his mismatched gaze peered into the distance , lost in thought and subtle awe as the golden rays slowly started to dapple the earth . if he were the religious type , he might have said it was god's doing . everything seemed so naturally perfect that it would only make sense , but the thought was nothing more than a pretty idea . gods and ghosts , spirits and ancestors ... it wasn't his cup of tea . too many ailments had plagued him for the man to believe in such things . no one had ever come to his side in times of struggle .
his mental wandering was cut short as the distinct scent of the kingdom picked up on the air , floating from just to the right of him . desperado's ears perked up , eyes flicking towards the dark silhouette slowly approaching , but he made no sign of moving . his tail curled around his paws as he rolled his shoulders , letting any remaining stress ease out through his body , and once the stranger was within earshot he let an easy grin form on his jaws and allowed his voice to carry over . " hey there ' it was a simple greeting , as non committal as he was feeling that morning , but it was a polite invitation anyways .
an easy smile transformed his tired features , although the fatigue was not entirely erased from the creases and lines on his face . he wasn't old , more middle aged than anything else , but his eyes held a wisdom that one could only expect from those who had either lived a long life or a short enough life with enough shit to make it difficult to act your age . some fell into insanity , or so he heard , decided to punish everyone no matter who they were just because it hurt . they took the phrase ' sharing is caring ' a bit too violently and personally for his tastes . he just wanted some quiet.
" desperado , " the name fell easy off of his tongue before the stranger could even ask , so used to the inner workings of the clans that it was second nature . it was oddly fitting when paired with his rugged , handsome look and the subsequent drawl that left his jaws . " just looking for a place to rest my head . " he was done making promises to places and people that he couldn't keep ; he wouldn't repeat the mistake he had done with blizzardclan . he had no concrete intentions of joining .
