Posts by DESPERADO

_{it seemed that the longer he stayed here , the more political talk he heard . it was strange , though not wholly unwelcome , not when some small snippets of good fortune happened to come across him . he doesn't expect to ever master such a skill , though small talk and banter were both easy to conquer and he wielded them both like a weapon in their own right . he had respect for those who could handle such responsibilities .}

_{if he said concern wasn't what had drawn him out of camp that day , then he would have been lying . news of heronswoop's pregnancy spread quickly given the fact that she had announced it publicly to the clan , and while he knew it wasn't his place to fret over anyone ( let alone a pregnant she cat carrying children he had nothing to do with ) he couldn't help it . concern came naturally to him when it came to the well being of others , and with his warm smiles and low drawl he aimed to care for them all , no matter how close he was or wasn't to others . he wasn't following her , per se ; he had taken a different route , but had made it a point to circle back around where she should be , and it was how he ended up here : staring down a group not dissimilar from the one lavenderstar had taken to the tribe's border not too long ago . the scent of riverclan and herbs washed over him , and it didn't take a genius to infer what they were here for . he approached slowly , stopping just short of the deputy , and upon hearing her words his ears flicked upwards in interest .}

_{" I can go get her for you , " he offered , and with one last grin and a flick of his tail as a subtle goodbye , he disappeared into the foliage to find his leader .}

_LAVENDERSTAR

_{ehehe I’m hype >:3c I can make but it’d have to be later tomorrow, so feel free to make it before then if u wanna ;u;}

_{the soft whisper of grass in the gentle zephyrs of the early morning was a soothing distraction to the ailments that seemed to plague him no matter where he went . moments like these , uninterrupted by war and chaos , were rare , and it wasn't often that he had a proper mindset to let his own sorrows quiet inside his soul . it was peaceful here , and while the problems would all still be there when he turned the corner and made his way back to the skyclan camp , for now it was easy to lose himself within the confides of that soft , nurturing confide of his mind he sometimes forgot existed .}

_{the mornings were more quiet than the evenings , the bustle of clan life halted for a few ephemeral seconds during which the children all slept and only those who had been tasked with the most odd hours to patrol were about . he happened to be one of them , and while he knew lavenderstar would have plenty of sharp words to say to him should she find out he had taken it upon himself to do a solo patrol , he didn't have it in him to care too much about that this morning . his thoughts were preoccupied by the atmosphere and the land , and thoughts of business were nothing more than a faint afterthought . the sun had only just started to rise over the horizon , casting azure shades upon the tall grasses that were a precursor to the golden sunlight just starting to poke out from that part of the ground where earth and sky connected , and he found it a better thing to focus on than the negativity that always lurked somewhere beneath his already stormy waters . today was a rare occurrence , and he was selfish enough to indulge in it before it , too , went away .}

_{a hum left his jaws , quiet and non committal as he paused in his travels , a good few feet away from the grasses that marked the windclan territory . his mismatched gaze peered into the distance , lost in thought and subtle awe as the golden rays slowly started to dapple the earth . if he were the religious type , he might have said it was starclan's doing . everything seemed so naturally perfect that it would only make sense , but the thought was nothing more than a pretty idea . gods and ghosts , spirits and ancestors ... it wasn't his cup of tea . too many ailments had plagued him for the feline to believe in such things . no one had ever come to his side in times of struggle .}

_{his mental wandering was cut short as the distinct scent of windclan picked up on the air , floating from just to the right of him . desperado's ears perked up , eyes flicking towards the dark silhouette slowly approaching , but he made no sign of moving . his tail curled around his paws as he rolled his shoulders , letting any remaining stress ease out through his body , and once the stranger was within earshot he let an easy grin form on his jaws and allowed his voice to carry over . " hey there , neighbor . ' it was a simple greeting , as non committal as he was feeling that morning , but it was a polite invitation anyways .}

_RULINDIL

_{the air around the camp had been strained ever since the battle . it felt thick on his already weighted shoulders , and as much as he wanted to do something , to say something that would make it all better ... there was nothing he could do . he could fight , help prepare , but beyond that it wasn't up to him - up to any of them - to stop this nonsense . bloodclan was the perpetrator , and something told him they would rather die than give up their self - righteous battle .}

_{in the end there were only a few things that skyclan could do , and lavenderstar was setting up to organize them . preparation was paramount when it came to things like these . the frontline wasn't on the battlefield , it was back here at home where they were safest . the more reinforced the camp would be , the safer everyone else would feel . he had already taken it upon himself to go out on his own solo missions ( ones he wouldn't tell lavenderstar for he knew he'd get an earful if she found out the danger he was actively putting himself in ) but it wouldn't hurt to take up some more official business . he never slept as it was , these days , not when the nightmares haunted him too often to allow for anything restful . maybe she'd say he was putting too much on his plate , but that was none of her business .}

_{" lav ... " his voice was soft , concern briefly masking his features , but soon it was gone and with it whatever he was about to say , a smile replacing the worried press of his lips . " I can do whatever you need me to . " that and more , but he didn't speak it . she wouldn't ever let him put so much on his own plate , so it would remain secret for now what personal plans were already formulating in his head .}

_{[ im so sorry for how long this got awoidjaw I have ,, a lot of muse for this ; u ; ]}

_{it all looked peaceful from the outside , didn't it ? out here on the border the fields looked quiet and empty , devoid of any and all problems , but the same could be said for skyclan . the trees stood silent in the distance , tall and towering , guarding the inhabitants within their confides with a stoniness only mother nature could pull off . the birds sung in the dawn , and the warmth of the sun enveloped the earth as it started to awaken . but underneath it all it was never how it appeared at first glance . even the brightest of days , even the happiest of individuals had something to hide . he knew that all too well , and he wasn't naive . clan life was a struggle no matter where you turned , and it would take a child or someone willingly ignorant to try and ignore it all ... he just wanted a second , though . just one moment to forget it all and pretend , to lie to himself and allow peace to settle upon his shoulders .}

_{it seemed his invitation had been accepted by the stranger , and as the tom came closer des could pick up on the subtleties of his form that had been otherwise blurred by the shadows the dawn had cast . his body was haloed by the oncoming light , a stark contrast between the dark blue shadows that met his forefront , and if he had been short of vision he might have thought his eyes were playing tricks on him when his gaze settled upon the two dark holes bored into the stranger's face where his eyes should have been . he wasn't though , and it caught his interest almost instantly , ears perking up in inquiry . it wasn't often he met cats with scars as severe as those . he had his own stories to tell , his body a battlefield in it's own right , but for now nothing so severe had managed to come to him . it seemed both of them were too caught up in their thoughts for a brief moment , for the second rulindl spoke once more desperado realized he himself had been staring , and out of courtesy his body decided to warm slightly in slight embarrassment that was easy enough to ignore in order to reply with a steady voice .}

_{" you could say that , " he started , gaze flickering upwards to the open sky just beyond the other tom , gaze thoughtful as he mulled over his cryptic answer . it was strange to consider himself a part of any group when he was almost certain he had spent half of his life more wandering from group to group , and his loyalties had blurred significantly from thereon out . he had made his home everywhere within the long years of his life for however short a moment , from the waters of riverclan to the city streets dotted by hostile cats that had forced his hand one too many time .still , the mellow scent of the forest clung to his coat nevertheless , and it was ( at least for now ) as much of a home as any had been . with a soft chuckle his eyes fell back onto the other , and with a grin that rulindl couldn't see but des hoped he could hear nestled deep among his words des spoke once more . " there ain't much holding me there , though , " once upon a time he might have called it untamed spirit that urged him to move , but he had grown too old to believe such philosophies fit him anymore . his fire had worn down , mellowed out into something softer , and it was the fear of things that wished to snuff it out completely that kept his alliances so vague .}

_{yet he still fought for them . the clan meant nothing to him , it's name nothing more than a pretty word upon his tired lips , but the people were different . the forest behind him could blaze and burn for all he cared and he'd mourn it as much as he could mourn fallen trees , but in the end skyclan wasn't a place . he was loyal to the people , to the friends he had made along the way , to lavenderstar ( starclan bless her soul ) and the little kiddos running around causing a ruckus once the sun was high enough to feel it burn against his pelt . his grin softened , gaze melancholy , and before he could allow darker thoughts to completely dampen his mood he chose to answer rulindl's inquiry as it came to distract him from them . " des , " the name fell easy off of his tongue , a low comforting drawl as the comfort of it eased his mind . des . just des . here , in the quiet of the morning , he could let go of his name , of his alliances , of the stupid fucking wars that threatened to rip him apart both physically and mentally . he could pretend for just a moment that it was just him , the endless sky , and the stranger before him , and that his past was erased leaving behind only that which he had always hoped he could become .}

_{with another roll of his shoulders des let the rest of the stress crumble around him , and with a deep sigh his attention refocused on rulindl . his smile returned full force , and with a quirk of his metaphoric brow that the other likely couldn't pick up on , the somali offered his own words to continue the conversation . " I see you don't take kindly to travelling in large groups , either ? " a self deprecating chuckle escaped his jaws , and he felt more than heard it as it reverberated deep within the confines of his chest . " can't say I blame you . can't get any privacy with others scrutinizing your every move , and sometimes you just need a quiet morning to think and - " his eyelids dropped halfway , smile twisting into something a bit warmer , a bit more coy , “ - a handsome stranger to converse with . "} 

_{[ aint that a mood :pensive: ],}

_{the longer he sat there in idle conversation , the more he could feel himself grow roots , as if this were the only place he needed to be . it was a pleasant thought to mull over : a life like this wouldn't be too bad . he could return to wandering , to striking up warm , idle conversations with strangers and using his body for whatever they needed just for a little food or a roof over his head . responsibilities still dragged him under , though , and such wishes were impossible to achieve not because of some greater force holding him back but because of his own insecurities . he had a place here , as fragile and tentative as his bonds sometimes proved to be . he had people to take care of even if they'd never bother to take care of him , individuals to aid even though he refused to allow them to do the same . he was a mess of a man , and he felt as lost as he ever had when growing up . here he had some semblance of stability to return to even if his tendency to run away for months never faltered .}

_{they were all running away from something , in the end , weren't they ? bittersweet thoughts never failed to embed themselves deep within desperado's psyche , and he had spent way too many nights mulling over petty fantasies and ' what ifs ' . what if he left and never came back ? what if he could have done something different when he was younger ? it was pathetic , but it was the only thing he had left to do when sleep became a cryptid to him that appeared once a blue moon .}

_{" I know the feeling , " a bitter chuckle leaves his throat , though that is the only pause he allows himself before continuing . " I'm guessing that all around they're all decent folk who aren't particularly awful nor particularly wonderful ? that makes it the hardest . nothing keeping you there , nothing pushing you away , either ... " his voice trails off , the question obviously more than a simple inquiry towards rulindil's own life . it was a hesitant crack in his own mental doors , another quiet invitation to whoever would take it . perhaps if it were later in the evening he wouldn't bother being this open , but it wasn't , and he was here , and his mind had made up it's course of action as it embraced the comfortable lull that surrounded them . " makes it really damn hard to think of a proper excuse to run away somewhere . "}

_{at least he could call this a resort of sorts . he couldn't run away from physical problems but he could at least engage in small talk . he was good at that , at talking until he drowned out the noises in his head . others might have thought at this point that he was egotistical enough to fall in love with his own voice , and in a way it wasn't untrue . talking kept him grounded , kept him sane . talking was easy , lying even easier , and even here in the great nothing that spanned between the dawn and the day he couldn't say he was telling this stranger enough . it was never enough , but the words in his throat that threatened to choke him never made it out regardless . those were secrets for other times , for other men . he just hadn't found them yet . at least their sentiments were largely shared , though . another smile , another bittersweet laugh , and des spoke again . " you'd be the first to say that one . clan cats tend to scorn rather than praise my name . took to calling myself whitedove for the sake of my own mental well being around these parts , but with a name like yours I figured it'd be safe to share it . "}

_{though this wasn't the direction he had expected this morning to go , he couldn't say he was disappointed with it. flirting was just as easy as talking , his charm almost perfected by this point . it had to be , if he wanted to live out there among the cats of the city that were more akin to rats than they were to felines . you needed sharp claws but a sharper tongue and mind , and it was awfully easy to use his voice and his lies to his advantage . those days were over , but it still stuck . " well , I ain't one to lie . I'm not everyone's type unless a walking battlefield happens to strike your fancy , " his words were punctuated by another more amused rumble as he continued . " I do get that one often , though . it's a gift , though I'm not humble enough to say I didn't spend years perfecting it . smooth as honey , warm as a bonfire on a winter night ... that's what they say , at least . can't say I don't like the simile , but it sounds too pretty for a man like me . "} 

_owo

_{the earth was oddly quiet during this time , when the last remnants of the golden dawn were all but wisps in the blue sky , which was that particular shade of blue you only saw in the early morning . the sky was broken by the occasional trill of some bird or another , but beyond those few grating sounds that caused his mind to jump whenever they passed by , it was a peaceful kind of silence that embraced the desolate grounds . the earth beneath his paws was harsher than that of the desert , not because of the heat ( which did not come even close to the scorching blaze the solaris kingdom's lands could achieve ) but because it was dried and cracking underneath his calloused paws as opposed to the soft give of the sands . he does not mind it too much , not when there are more pressing concerns nagging at the back of his head . the texture of the earth is the least of his problems .}

_{a soft grunt leaves his throat as he pauses a good distance away from the border , peering into the emptiness before him with no small amount of wariness . his entire body was tense , poised to fight , but he tried to school his expression into one of calm . the exiles had not , admittedly , done anything wrong to him just yet , and while their legacy was less than savory , he would be hypocritical to judge . he is not here to start anything , anyways . in a way he is here to thank them , or at least whoever it was who deserved his thanks . the miasma of smoke still clung to his coat as his eyes stare vacantly out into the distance , lost in obviously tense thought , jaw working underneath his facial muscles in wistful memory of a cigarette . he had lost his pack somewhere , had yet to find a good deal for a new one , and it was starting to get to him . he hadn't realized just how much the nicotine helped until it was gone . something else was clawing it's way up his throat , too , but he couldn't quite put a name down . fear , maybe ? desperation ? the latter was the most fitting , given his name and all . it was his name sake and his curse . all he could do now was wait .}

_{he is old and tired man and after about four fucking years he still doesnt have anyone to love him and im Big Mad and ready to just}

_{get him to fucc someone just to stop being lonely}

_{two lone individuals came out of the early morning haze , and he felt his fur stand on end the second he could see the glinting reflection of their eyes in the rising sun . his weight shifted to the right , his jaw clenching once more , and he internally cursed himself for such an oversight - he knew exactly how irked he could be without something to chew on , at least . the best he could do now was not snap at any of them , but the easy smile usually present on his jaws was gone , replaced by a grim resignation . the question he was offered was mandatory , and he offered the second stranger the chance to say something , only to have it backfire on him as the silence that ensued bore into his skull . with a grunt he extended the same courtesy given to him , gaze guarded as it briefly scanned over gabriel , but beyond noting his position and saving it in the back of his head he made no moves to introduce himself , neither to him nor to the man who had first addressed him , pointedly ignoring the question in favor of answering the first one .}

_{" here to see whichever poor bastard thought it was wise to kill my parent , " there was an exhaustion that seeped into his voice that he had been trying his hardest to school around those he cared about , but here he didn't bother . the exiles were cunning , manipulative kinds of folk , and he knew it would be hard to pull blinds over their terrifying intuition . all he could do was pretend like it didn't matter , tense his shoulders and lift back his head in some semblance of authority that he didn't truly feel he had . beyond it , though , there was a strange void of what was undoubtedly the expected emotion , as if the statement was akin to asking about the weather . " lirim ring a bell ? "}

_{he left it at that , leveling cory with his unblinking gaze , letting it sink in . he would not leave without getting what he wanted out of this encounter , no matter who he had to get through in order to get it .}

_{I forgot how good of a song fallen leaves was but I just stumbled across it again and it's a Great des song}

_{"In a crooked little town, they were lost and never found}

_{Fallen leaves, fallen leaves, fallen leaves on the ground}

_{I hitched a ride, until the coast}

_{To leave behind, all of my ghosts}

_{Searching for something, I couldn't find at home}

_{Can't get no job, can you spare a dime?}

_{Just one more hit, and I'll be fine}

_{I swear to God, this'll be my one last time!"}

_{love him harder bc hes going through Hard Times and im actually about to uhhhh make him relapse a lot back into his previous Bad Self because he doesnt think anyone loves him and his efforts to try and be a better person are useless whoops}

_{awdiwja I have no redemption arc planned for him at the moment tbh because uhhhh lirim is officially "dead" aka im not bringing them back and they will forever remain in void form, but are currently mentally manipulating des so waiojwda he's just Big Bad and full of self doubt and self hatred that's being amplified by them to the point that he's like this}

_{uhhhh idk if I have specifics in general, really I only have specific backstories for Lirim's first few litters, and it was that they were raised less like children and more like soldiers ;0 after that lirim didn't have a lot of children tho until they had them with bubs but by that point they were pretty Decent so the children were normal}

_{the general rule for the lirim family line tho is this whole concept of eldritch beings/not being truly 'alive' and 'mortal' by general terms, and a lot of lirim children/grandchildren/etc often battle with the idea of not being real} 

_{dwioajd at this point its not even up to me because im just going to hurt him}

_{someone else has to help him it's out of my hands now :pensive:}

_{cries i try uwu its mostly bc this entire thing,,, the void, lirim, etc. is a big part of a long term project im doing so :'D I put a lot of world building into it}

_{I actually have a lot more planned but it just doesnt' translate good 1:1 into ff because of the constrictions and because lirim can't actually be basically a god bc that would be op/powerplaying}

_{honestly pls just gimme anything}

_{he sounds perfect bc des needs someone peaceful just to allow him to exist without needing to fight every day}

_{des also is an old tired husk of a man who wanted peace but he lived too long wanting peace without getting it so now he's back to Not Being Peaceful At All}

_{mostly bc of lirim}

_{if things go well then one day you will see a game called lirim up on the market :'D}

_{another good song to add to Des playlist which has almost 200 songs now}

_{many a good bop :ok_hand:}

_{ok theoretically but like,, im the only person working on it so waoidjwa one day I will graduate game design college in four years and maybe smth will actually happen with it but for now its just a bunch of world building, character building, and haphazardly scattered notes in my google drive}

_{:ok_hand: if u could that would begreat tbh}

_{also he's gonna chill in the exiles after that anyways so you can make it in there I was planning to have him become Big Bad there for a big but //eyes if ur interested at all in them hitting off a little bit later down the road ?? at least they can first become friends and when gabriel leaves des will follow after him like a lost puppy}

_{and they can start off just as travelling companions} 

_{uwu ty}

_{he is My Son}

_{I also gotta draw des tbh because hes like the only one of my ocs I dont have a genuine design for beyond what I wrote down for him}

_{Im Big Lazy to draw him tho :pensive:}

_{his fcs really are just cowboys tho so}