Posts by DESPERADO

_opinions

_{i. tbd}

_interactions

_{friendship - easy | ❝ it is fairly easy to befriend des, as his friendly and easy-going attitude often makes it easy to acquire a wide range of acquaintances. he never shies away from a new friendship, eager to have everyone he meets feel important enough to have someone, even if that someone is just plain ole' him. his friendships are strong, but sadly also extremely fragile at the same time. despite having very little boundaries and being eager to even jump in front of a bullet for his friends, there are topics that are so fragile to des that if they are broached with the wrong attitude, he won't hesitate to drop anyone he considers a friend. he is kind, but not weak, and has ever capability of beating someone up if he feels like it. des is a bit of a rough character, with a foul mouth and who often engages in friendly banter with anyone and everyone he comes across, but he's a good man beneath it all who just wants everyone to feel wanted. ❞}

_{romantic - extremely difficult | ❝ it is very hard to get des to engage in any romantic relationships due to multiple reasons. the first and biggest reasons stems from his underlying trauma regarding any sexual advances from anyone, and he views all romantic advances as possible warning signs that someone wants to use him again. he acts like he wears his heart on his sleeve, but in reality it is extremely guarded, and he'll never tell you something that he doesn't feel is unimportant to his being. it is, therefore, nigh impossible to have des feel any sort of romantic attraction towards another individual unless he trusts them completely with his entire life. anything less than that and, although he might have a crush, he will refuse to engage in anything. he is experienced in sex for rather sorry reasons, but extremely inexperienced in romance, although he is naturally a charmer and gentleman and a gentle lover. all romance plots must go by adomania first. this is an extremely picky area. ❞}

_{familial - depends on circumstance | ❝ des is extremely wary of any kinds of familial bonds given that they are far more serious than friendships, and perhaps even more serious than romances can be. he wants a family, to have someone he can look up to as a parental figure, and to take care of little kiddos that he can call his, but is afraid of being abandoned yet again once he finds them. he isn't impossible to convince, however, as he desperately wants someone to call his family despite his better judgement, and therefore will often see others as family without even realizing it. adomania is heavily invested in finding these kinds of relationships for him. ❞}

_{enemies - hard | ❝ it is very difficult to get des to hate your character, as he has a very forgiving nature in hopes that others will change their ways. he is far from a push-over, but he won't call others anything more than rivals unless they convince him of a good enough reason to hate. this is usually if anyone tries anything funny with his family, or when they make any abusive/sexual advances towards him without his clear consent. ❞}

_history

_{youth [ before agrelos shift ] | ❝ desperado drachen break , known more formally as ronan in his youth , was born to a litter of three ; him , south and james . to a demon , fell drachen , and the void , lirim break , on 6.14.2015 , putting him squarely among the inhabitants of the last shards of what has been deemed " earth " . his first few months of childhood would set a sordid foreshadowing of his life to come , with lirim's tendencies towards abuse and depreciation being a tone that stuck to him to the very ends of his life . trained to become the heir of the break family at a young age , he and his sibling south were put through numerous tests and challenges in order to prove their worth and harden them in time , viewed as soldiers moreso than children by the void which had spawned them . fell drachen died soon after his birth , leaving him to the mercy of his sole parent , until age five when he and south opted to run away from home . life did not get better for the two of them , joining a consequent gang as their only means of food and shelter . already half desensitized to pain and death , both children quickly adjusted to their new lifestyle , though at the cost of much of their mental well - being . both of them were used moreso than viewed as equals , to the point of denial of basic necessities until they earned their share , mental and physical abuse , as well as sexual manipulation . during this time des earned the nickname ' desperado ' for his often reckless , volatile acts , and quickly rose to become one of the most skilled assassins the gang had among their ranks . he forgot his old life , his old adversaries , and killed because it became the only thing he knew how to do and the only thing keeping him and south safe . he became their protector as much as they were his last remaining tether to reality and humanity . it wasn't until a raid on an orphanage when des was forced to kill children only barely younger than his meager fifteen months that he snapped out of his trance , and began slowly regaining his feelings of guilt and horror . months still passed without any change , but after another sexual advance towards him by one of the older members , desperado snapped , and through this discovered the fire elementals that he subsequently used to murder the entire place and flee . unable to face his sibling , he parted ways with them , turning to a self - made path of exile and redemption , a path he is still trying to remain on to this day . ❞}

_{adulthood [ before agrelos shift ] | ❝ guilty for all the actions he had done , desperado began a path towards redemption , though it was a shaky one at first and still tends to be wobbly at best at times . unable to simply forget his nature nor simply get over countless traumas embedded in him since his youth , des tried his best to utilize his powers and strength for good , slowly transforming the cold , emotionless and volatile man into something softer and warmer . he learned how to convincingly lie his way into and out of situations even moreso than before , until he mastered the act of wearing a fake heart on his sleeve to make people look away from his past , not because he wished to manipulate them but because he felt he deserved no pity or remorse for his actions . throughout his travels he still occasionally killed , often by accident out of trauma than actual intent , but eventually he stumbled upon scarclan at thirty and attempted to make a home there . life went on rather pleasantly for the first time , with ronan feeling like he may belong somewhere without fear of fucking everything over . on april 27th , 2016 , a joiner by the name of communionshots happened upon the border , and upon seeing des announced that he had been sent down as a guardian angel for the man . despite the fact that des didn't scorn any gods , he found the idea laughable given his life , and approached the topic with cynicism , inquiring where his guardian angel had been when he had been getting fucked over as a small , defenseless pup . he denied the care of the angel , though it stubbornly stuck to his side for a while before seeming to catch the message and leaving him completely never to be seen again . months passed once again , until one faithful day lirim decided to show their face around scarclan again . they left a warning to their son , claiming ownership over him and his entire being , to which the man responded by killing the creature where it stood . knowing it would not kill lirim forever , desperado made no move to bury his dead parent , but it started a spiral downward as old traumas started to reappear in his mind and nag at the back of his mind that he had to run once more . upon his short remaining stay within the clan , desperado met an individual by the name of tasukete , later on referred to as caleb , and slowly developed a companionship with the man . with the last final push being the offered title of " loyalist " to him by the current leader , breakdance , desperado chose to leave scarclan , heading towards sunclan where his aforementioned friend currently resided . leaving scarclan started a pattern within the man , though his next stop was longer than most others he would continue to appear and disappear from . sunclan became his new home for a while , the islands a brief solace from the ghosts that plagued his life , but his mental state slowly started to deteriorate further the longer he stayed . soon enough his peace was broken entirely when lirim returned from the dead to return the favor des had done to them , killing him and his body and leaving it to rot . weeks passed with des floating in the void , tethered only by lirim's will to reality , before he was shoved right back into existence once again , this time with a new scar to symbolize the way his parent had killed him . he returned to the solaris kingdom , though his paranoia became unbearable and not even tasukete could keep him tethered anymore , and as a last leap of chance he chose to leave entirely , abandoning all he had met and started to view as family in order to join shadowclan , where he fared no better and lasted only long enough to make a vague impression on others before moving to the sanguine ruins , then subsequently travelling to blizzardclan where he made a far longer home . the largest factor in his stay was imperia , who he learned to respect and view as someone he cared for , only to realize too late he had developed feelings for her that he could not act upon because of his own anxieties . remaining around her still made him feel safe , and even though he ran away from blizzardclan after a few months due to the anxiety eating him from the inside , she was what ultimately drove him to return to his home for longer . during that time he started to develop feelings for another person , though his name now eludes des completely , but that person died of lung cancer , leaving des alone once more . unable to take it , des left for one final time , becoming a wanderer for another full year before returning to his roots once the shift to agrelos occured . ❞}

_{after agrelos shift | ❝ after the shift to agrelos , des decided to return to the one clan he had felt most at home at , only to find that all the people he had known and missed were no longer there . heartbroken but with no other place to go , des decided to stay and see where life took him , too exhausted to keep running away from his problems and seemingly ready to turn over onto his belly and let them consume him . despite that he kept his pain hidden well , making attempts to help others while similarly ignoring all help directed at his obvious , bone - aching exhaustion . during a particularly bad winter , des got caught in a blizzard which forced him to reactive his fire powers which he had not been in control of ever since the agrelos shift for years , though he still didn't get away scott free , suffering from frostbite as a result of the cold . he made specific attempts to comfort a particular man he had met , narukami , who had seemed interested in him due to reasons des didn't know until the man's partner , rosemont , came back with eerily similar characteristics . feeling used after attempts to help narukami get through his own qualms while ignoring his own in the process , and following his unexpected promotion to a s/hp , desperado chose to leave , running away from his problems instead of addressing them , joining the blackheart rogues for merely a few days before he ended up returning to blizzardclan soon after once more . at first he was colder to all individuals , but he could not keep up the act for long , and made a conscious effort to apologize to narukami specifically by offering him a small trinket as a gift , all the while fully blaming himself for his actions and responses . despite thinking things would be fine following this return , life soon took an absolutely sour turn as lirim returned to agrelos as well , marking their appearance with the death of des' closest sibling , south . unable to handle their death , not even the consequent meeting and title promotion were enough to stop des' attempts to take his own life , though the action was cut short due to the timely intervention of a few of his clanmates . des survived , but he was embittered by the fact , feeling that his death would be easier and that he was tired of trying to solve his problems when running away from them was easier . des ultimately recovered , though not before severing multiple emotional ties to other creatures in order to save them and himself any pain should he leave or make an attempt on his life again . this chance was given to him when a massive draconic beast demanded sacrifices for his necromancy , with des offering himself up as a replacement for others and to protect the children that had been taken too . during his capture he managed to make sure none of them got hurt until they were all saved , at which point the subsequent meeting offered him a promotion to paladin which he begrudgingly accepted . slowly des started to realize that he was becoming too attached once more , and made plans to leave once things got even worse in order to spare himself the pain of severing ties once again to those he had started to love . as a last attempt to try and fix things , to keep his position and to stay in his home , des sought out lirim once more , killing them as mercifully as he could in order to end the pain , fully expecting retaliation but receiving nothing more than a few sharp words directed his way . though it did not fix many of his problems , it eased some of des' pain long enough for him to stay and learn a soft side to his frenemy leifsdottir , whom he respected but had a penchant for pissing off for the obnoxious fun of it . revealing his warm side to her but without easing up on his banter , des slowly started to realize he was developing feelings for the woman , though the relationship had no room to grow given both of their scarce activity and interaction beyond that . the crush dissipated , but des still viewed her as a good companion , if not an outright friend . life continued on , but it became harder and harder for des to remain in blizzardclan with his anxieties overwhelming him , and soon after his promotion to paladin commander des left in order to wander , joining a handful of scattered clans too briefly to mention before turning to windclan as a new home . his stay was short lived as well , however , as the news of lirim's death by the hands of an exiler urged him onward , and in a moment of weakness he chose to join them and forget his attempts at redemption . the only reason he chose to left soon after was he discovered their capture of ver , and , upon talking to her in her cell , she convinced him to return to his goal . ❞}

_[sub]

_aesthetics

_{bad decisions. being streetsmart but not booksmart. a friend barging in at odd hours of the night. walks around the lake on a rainy day. cigarettes still burning in ashtrays. setting fire to the city. the smell of cedar and whiskey on the tongue. eyes like flames. mentally troubled. poetry after adventures. dressing in clothes that were once nice but now are frayed. falling asleep on the streets. a confident smile. sarcastic jokes. fighting for friends who can't. black jeans covered in cat hair. knuckles made stiff by cold weather. scuffed knees. bruised knuckles. the constant ache of longing. the smell of smoke. calloused fingers. the sound of a classical acoustic guitar. a reassuring touch. laughter lines. log cabins on the riverbank. the scent of pine and woodsmoke. warm brown eyes. old german shepherds. late night strolls. sleeping in a woven hammock. the splash of freckles across the face. dark under-eye circles. pride in accumulated scars. spontaneous adventures. blasting music in the car. always waiting. pet names. quiet laughter. knotted and folding shoulder blades. a lone singer in a valley. rich musks and spices. the huff of breath just before the effort. a hot, sunny day. crows feet. spending hours that feel like seconds with friends. hidden secrets. childhood and the present blending together as an old theme song plays. remembering what home feels like. arms opening into a hug. road trips with lifelong friends. warm tones of red in the sky as the sun sets. husky voices. being the change you wish to see in the world. unread books with catchy titles and pretty covers. the middle of nowhere. the desert at nighttime. road trips with no destination. rebellion with a cause. the smell of old books after you've opened them. the lingering bitterness of coffee on your tongue after staying up all night. unwanted nostalgia. existential questions. sadness without reason. falling in love with a stranger. tanned skin. dimples. comfortable silence. trusting few but trusting them with your life. praying to gods you don't believe in. mourning for what could have been. tired eyes that hide deep sadness. easy smiles. a penchant for being obstinate.}

_{choice awards}

_{i. tbd}

_{playlist - spotify}

_{afraid by the neighbourhood | ❝ all my friends always lie to me / i know they're thinking / you're too mean , i don't like you , fuck you anyway / you make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs / it hurts but I won't fight you / you suck anyway / you make me wanna die , right when I / when I wake up I'm afraid somebody else might take my place ❞}

_{arsonist's lullaby by hozier | ❝ when I was a man I thought it ended / when I knew love's perfect ache / but my peace has always depended / on all the ashes in my wake / all you have is your fire / and the place you need to reach / don't you ever tame your demons / but always keep 'em on a leash ❞}

_{a sadness runs through him by the hoosiers | ❝ time and again boys are raised to be men / impatient they start , fearful they end / but here was a man mourning tomorrow / he drank , but finally drowned in his sorrow / he could not break surface tension / he looked in the wrong place for redemption / don't look at me with those eyes / I tried to unheave the ties / turn back the time that drew him / but he couldn't be saved / a sadness runs through him ❞}

_{back from the fire by gold brothers | ❝ I'm coming back from the fire / crawling back from the shame / coming back from the fire / and I burn you down , burn you down / boy you found trouble / your time come around / 'cause I run with the devil / when the sun goes down ❞}

<sub>banana bread by cavetown | ❝ it's alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I've said it once but I still tell myself again and again / you'll never be enough , but what is enough ? / you're selfless , isn't that enough ? ❞

beautiful crime by tamer | ❝ each step I left behind / each road you know is mine / walking on the line ten stories high / say you'll still be by my side / if I could take your hand / if you could understand / that I can barely breathe the air is thin / I fear the fall and where we'll land / we fight every night for something / when the sun sets we're both the same / half in the shadows / half burned in flames / we can't look back for nothin' / take what you need say your goodbyes / I gave you everything / and it's a beautiful crime ❞</sub>

<sub>broken crown by mumford and sons | ❝ the pull on my flesh is just too strong / it stifles the choice and the air in my lungs / better not to breathe than to breathe a lie / when I open my body and breathe alive ❞

bury me face down by grandson | ❝ from the rubble, what do I see? / there's a whole damn army thinkin' that they're gonna harm me / say goodnight, I'll never get free / oh, I got troubles that won't let me be / but I won't get tired, set the town on fire / 'till my troubles got trouble with me ❞</sub>

<sub>can I exist by missio | ❝ home is where they say the heart is / mine's buried in the yard / hell's a place they say is for sinners / I'll be the man in charge / I wrote god a simple letter / still haven't heard from him / I must have really messed up this time / shit must have hit the fun / but how can I exist within the midst of this ? / but how can I admit that I would quit on you ? ❞

champion by barns courtney | ❝ I've been on a long road / with the devil right beside me / rising with the morning sun / it's a hunger that drives me / oh , lord , set my soul / take my pain and turn it into gold / 'cause all I know , all I know , all I know is / champion , I can take a beating / I'll rise again , we're into the jungle until the end / I can live forever , I'll rise again ❞</sub>

_{change on the rise by avi kaplan | ❝ what good's a man / who's lost his soul / can't take a stand / when his flame's gone cold / fend off the enemy / sing out the jubilee / with all the fire we can breathe ❞}

<sub>coyote by mako | ❝ I'm out here sipping from the bottle of a molotov cocktail / I'm setting fire to my lungs / catch a kiss with the cyanide under my tongue / I'm out here loading a gun / this lovesick hungry wild coyote , run , run , run / you thought the money would save you , one in the chamber / blood in the water , my love / and if it kill me , it'll kill me , so let it kill me but I'm never gonna live a lie , no / let the willing go the willing / time to say goodbye , I'm dying alone ❞

cringe by matt maeson | ❝ she said I'm looking like a bad man, smooth criminal / she said my spirit doesn't move like it did before / she said that I don't look like me no more no more / I said I'm just tired / she said you're just fine ❞</sub>

_{crossfire by stephen | ❝ he'd trade his guns for love / but he's caught in the crossfire / and he keeps waking up / but it's not to the sound of birds ❞}

_{dark times by the weeknd | ❝ in my dark times I'll be going back to the street / promising everything I do not mean / in my dark times , baby this is all I could be / don't think my mother could love me for me / in my dark times , in my dark times / light one up , let me bum a smoke / still calming down , dripping throat / I got another man's blood on my clothes / but an endless fog's the life I chose ❞}

_{desperado by rihanna | ❝ if you want, we can be runaways / running from any sight of love / yeah, yeah, there ain't nothin' / there ain't nothin' here for me / there ain't nothing here for me anymore / but I don't wanna be alone ❞}

_{drink the water by justin cross | ❝ it's not a sin if it don't make me cry / he's not the devil lest there's fire in his eyes / it ain't the ghost if it don't speak in tongue / it's not a victory until the battle's been won / and all god's people said amen / and all god's people said amen / nobody prays unless they lose a son / don't believe in god till a war's to be won / I know of lies by the truth I've been told / the biggest one's that we're not growing old ❞}

_{dwi by missio | ❝ this body is not my body / when I am drunk and out of mind / this bottle thinks that it owns me / but it can't own me if I'm dead / this body is not my body / when all these creatures eat my skin / they're searching for the demise , oh / for this is my soul that I left ❞}

_{fairly local by twenty one pilots | ❝ I'm not evil to the core / what I shouldn't do I will fight / I know I'm emotional / what I wanna save I will try / I know who I truly am / I truly do have a chance / tomorrow I'll switch the beat / to avoid yesterday's dance ❞}

_{far from home by sam tinnesz | ❝ I'm sending a raven / with blood on its wings / hoping it reaches you in time / and you know what it means / cause out here in the darkness / and out of the light / if you get to me too late / just know that I tried ❞}

<sub>fire by barns courtney | ❝ lonely shadows following me / lonely ghosts come a - calling / lonely voices talking to me / now I'm gone , now I'm gone , now I'm gone / and my mother told me son let it be / sold me soul to the calling / sold my soul to a sweet melody / now I'm gone , now I'm gone , now I'm gone ❞

grave digger by matt maeson | ❝ I can't run to you , father / I need love / I can't talk to you , mother / I know it's got you caught up / but your sweet sinless sensation is not my style / and I'm not giving up / but tell me if I run away / how long will I bleed ? / so tell me if I run away / how long will I bleed ? / colors blend / they're all black and white / god dammit , I cannot bend / I'm all shriveled inside / ain't no point in tryin'a pick me up when I'm down / yeah , you can stick out your hand / and you can lean towards the ground / I'll be tryin'a suck all the liquid out the dirt / tryin'a catch a curve , digging my own grave ❞</sub>

_{graves by whiskey shivers | ❝ who's gonna dig these graves ? / who's gonna dig these graves ? somebody help me dig these graves / I can't do it on my own / sun done run out of rays / and I've been waiting on a south bound train / trying not to go insane but / I can't do it on my own ❞}

_{hallucinogenics by matt maeson | ❝ 'cause I carried on like the wayward son / now through and through I have come undone / and now I am just but the wayward man / what with my bloodshot eyes and my shaky hands ❞}

_{hang me , oh hang me by dave von ronk | ❝ put the rope around my neck / hung me up so high / last words i heard 'em say / won't be long now for you die, poor boy / I've been all around this world ❞}

_{hellfire by barns courtney | ❝ burn in an alleyway through a dead end street / murdering promises that I just can't keep / we could sing pretty melodies on the unmade bed / slow-dancing to a silhouette 'cause I ain't dead yet / ain't no chariots of fire coming to to take me home / I'm lost in the woods and I wander alone / hellfire , hellfire , take my soul / I'm waiting , waiting , I'm ready to go ❞}

_{hurt by johnny cash | ❝I hurt myself today / to see if I still feel / I focus on the pain / the only thing that's real / the needle tears a hole / the old familiar sting / try to kill it all away / but I remember everything / what have I become / my sweetest friend? / everyone I know / goes away in the end / and you could have it all / my empire of dirt / I will let you down / I will make you hurt / I wear this crown of thorns / upon my liars chair / full of broken thoughts / I cannot repair / beneath the stains of time / the feelings disappear / you are someone else / I am still right here ❞}

_{I can hold a grudge like nobody's business by adam jensen | ❝ welcome to the wasteland / just another broken man / tangled in the words that I cannot say / living just to say goodbye / save me from myself, this ride / can you see the words written on my face? / think I'm going crazy / standin' in a crowded street / peaceful in the eye of a hurricane / cigarettes and sadness, a little bit of madness / mixing with the chemicals in my brain ❞}

_{iron by woodkid | ❝ deep in the ocean , dead and cast away / where innocence is burned in flames / a million miles from home , I'm walking ahead / I'm frozen to the bones , I am / a soldier on my own , I don't know the way / I'm riding up the heights of shame / I'm waiting for the call , the hand on the chest / I'm ready for the fight and fate / the sound of iron shots is stuck in my head / the thunder of the drums dictates / the rhythm of the falls , the number of deaths / the rising of the horns ahead / from the dawn of time to the end of days / I will have to run away / I want to feel the pain and the bitter taste / of the blood on my lips again / this deadly burst of snow is burning my hands / I'm frozen to the bones, I am / a million miles from home , I'm walking away / I can't remind your eyes , your face ❞}

_{kill our way to heaven by michl | ❝ the dust and dirt blind us slowly / but give a hint of a view to make it feel alright / and though it hurts we keep on climbing / 'cause our addictions take us from inside / a sturdy back , but brittle bones , too weak to show / we would say anything just to hear what we want / right or wrong / then we lie to be forgiven / we would sell anything just to buy who we're not / any cost / oh , we kill out way to heaven ❞}

_{lead me home by jamie n commons | ❝ oh lord live inside me / lead me on my way / oh lord live inside me / lead me on my way / lead me home / lead me home ❞}

_{like real people do by hozier | ❝ I knew that look dear / eyes always seeking / was there in someone / that dug long ago / so I will not ask you / why you were creeping / in some sad way I already know / I will not ask where you came from / I will not ask you and neither would you / honey just put your sweet lips on my lips / we should just kiss like real people do ❞}

_{me and my friends are lonely by matt maeson | ❝ I can't open up to you / me and my friends are lonely / I don't know what to do / I always figured I'd be the one to die alone / I cope smothered in smoke / deep high, drape my soul in / I know things that you don't / I've met murdering folk / and they took one of our own / they took our innocent home ❞}

_{mercy by jacob banks | ❝ I played the game , I reconciled / I wear the blame like a suit and tie / I sing you lullabies , your melodies like a symphony / we fall the same when we walk the wire / I just need a little mercy , mercy on me / I just need a little mercy , mercy on me / I drank your holy water , your liberty , your make - believe / I could use a little mercy , oh mercy on me ❞}

_{mr . rattlebone by matt maeson | ❝ that's right , fuck all the drama / I'll be your muse / now take what I offer / straight up the nose down the throat / it's a bearable bruise on your conscious / but don't it feel good ? / don't you feel calmer ? / I am the way , and the life in the best looking truth ❞}

_{new blood by koda | ❝ there's a beast awakening / tugging at my feet / and it won't be satisfied / 'til it's taken me / there's a cold wind blowing / rattling the trees / and I wont be satisfied / 'til they know it's me ❞}

_{nonchalant by 6lack | ❝ I'm so fucking tired / but somehow I still find the time / to care a little more about my rhymes / to care a little more about my peers / to think a lil' less about my fears / to care a lil' more about your ears / I give a piece of me to everybody I meet / not because they want it , just because it's probably a need ❞}

_{no turning back by koda | ❝ cut the chord , burn the house / fake death , fake your suicide / wash it all down with a bottle of regret / till there's no time left / kill the messenger / and clear the cobwebs / blame the victim / send attack dogs / check the bottom line / drain the bathtub / put your friends in it / burn the evidence ❞}

_{one by kerli | ❝ I've been digging up every constellation / travelling galaxies without a station / faithful to my made up mission / I forgot about us / and no I don't need another reincarnation / losing my mind searching for explanation / faithful to my made up mission / I never felt like enough ❞}

_{outrunning karma by alec benjamin | ❝ outrunning karma , that boy / he's such a charmer / all the bugs and larva / follow him out to colorado / ten dozen hearts in a bag / their bodies lying he'll drag them / down to colorado / a modern desperado ❞}

_{polarize by twenty one pilots | ❝ you know where I'm coming from / though I am running to you / all I feel is deny , deny , denial / I wanted to be a better brother , better son / wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done / I have none to show to the one I love / but deny , deny , denial ❞}

_{put it on me by matt maeson | ❝ hung high and dry / where no one can see / if there's no one to blame / blame it on me / storm in the sky / fire in the streets / if there's nothing but pain / put it on me ❞}

_{raging on a sunday by bohnes | ❝ I should be at church but I'm raging on a sunday / lie to confess , fuck it , worry 'bout it some day / baptized in the crowd 'cause they lookin' pretty thirsty / city full of sufferin' take me to the promised land ❞}

_{reasonable doubt by anonymuz | ❝ they should call me ray charles , boy / stay lost , boy / break laws , boy / shit was my day job , boy / it was still on sight when I see that nigga / 'till I seen that same lost boy / and the eyes of a man I was bout to kill / reflect back to the same lost boy / 'cause it's all a cycle , all survival / all that you know , all that I know / fall or fly , yo / call or die flow / thought when I go / the god of my hope was just a gun / yeah, the god of my hope was just a gun / hell I had ass for debt to pass depression / I hold rap digression and revenge / and I know faster methods than regrettin' / my own bad direction manifests in my home , whoa / maybe it's a show without the ghost / maybe it's hell I had to quell , I had the most / maybe it's the devil in my head that I've been dreadin' / and betrayin' is the motherfuckin' goal, sky ❞}

_{rip 2 my youth by the neighbourhood | ❝ might be a sinner and I might be a saint / I'd like to be proud , but somehow I'm ashamed / sweet little baby in a world full of pain / I gotta be honest , I don't know if I could take it / everybody's talking , but what's anybody saying? / mama said if I really want to , then I can change , yeah yeah / r.i.p. to my youth / if you really listen , then this is to you / mama , there is only so much I can do / tough for you to witness it but it was for me too / I'm using white lighters to see what's in front of me / r.i.p. to my youth / and you could call this the funeral / I'm just telling the truth , yeah / you can play this at my funeral / tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad / I'm in paradise with dad / close my eyes and then cross my arms / put me in the dirt , let me dream with the stars / throw me in a box with the oxygen off / you gave me the key then you locked every lock / when I can't breathe , I won't ask you to stop / when I can't breathe , don't call for a cop / I was naive and hopeful and lost / now I'm aware and trapped in my thoughts ❞}

_{run by daughter | ❝ and if I try to get close / he is already gone / don't know where he's going / don't know where he's been / but he is restless at night / 'cause he has horrible dreams ❞}

_{smother by daughter | ❝ I'm wasted , losing time / I'm a foolish , fragile spine / I want all that is not mine / I want him but we're not right / in the darkness I will meet my creators / and they will all agree that I'm a suffocator/ I should go now quietly / for my bones have found a place / to lie down and sleep ❞}

_{straight razor by matt maeson | ❝ 'cause it don't stop / no it don't end / oh when the seams will start wearing thin / oh and we'll see if the same thing goes for them / oh and I tried to start caring like you and like them / when you said that I was killing myself / I've killed everything but my shame / oh and I'll try to convince myself I'm worth it / oh and you'll lie with your strange and fitting purpose ❞}

_{the fear by the score | ❝ you knocked me down / all the demons creeping in / another round trading shots with my ego / running can't help me now / your chains only drag me down / I've battled hard with the face in the mirror / every scar makes me dig down deeper / push it till there's nothing more / 'cause I'm stronger than I was before ❞}

_{the hearse by matt maeson | ❝ I am the man we both couldn't stand / I can't wash off the dirt from my hands / what was it like to feel in love? / what was it like to feel in love? / I can't scrub off the black from my lungs / I can't wipe off the taste from my tongue / what was it like to feel in love? / what was it like to feel in love? ❞}

_{the manic by amarante | ❝ there's a pain I'll carry with me / through the days I will dream / of losing you and losing me / I am not the man that you will need / I'll let you down entirely / you're better off , you're better off / I'll let you go , you're better off / kick me out and let me go / you don't need me , I'm an angry soul / shut me out and lock the door / you don't need me / pick up all these broken pieces I have left behind / I've left you behind ❞}

_{the mystic by adam jensen | ❝ broken cigarettes and bullet holes / one more the the chest 'til I'm alone / nothing gets me any higher / and nothing ever will / tried to stay sober / tried to stay clean / wake me when it's over / like a bad dream / mama doesn't call / sister never writes / bet you they would laugh / if I called to say goodbye / no ones gonna worry / or notice when I'm gone / no they won't know I'm missing / 'til they pull me out the mystic / tell the preacher not to pray / there's no angels where I go / only pieces that I broke / and scattered dreams across the globe / I'm home ❞}

_{the river by blues saraceno | ❝ oh my lord take this hand / save me from the gallows / hear this news , bear my gold / lay me in the shallows / evil will come if you call my name / the wicked they shall rise / the river's sings gonna wash me clean / the river don't run dry ❞}

_{the wanderer by shawn james | ❝ when I go, I don't know when I'll be comin' back again / leavin' the past behind my stride / in this way, I will abide / they call me the wanderer ❞}

_{the warpath by connor youngblood | ❝ this medicine is wearing thin now / we're bullet proof until we bleed out / and even though we always try / to hide our instincts from our pride / in our struggle to survive / we keep the warpath by our side / we strike the sky until the sun bows / and fly until our feathers burn out / all our lives we've been apart / a vicious cycle from the start / in our struggle to survive / we keep the warpath by our side ❞}

_{through the valley by shawn james | ❝ I walk through the valley of the shadow of death / and I'll fear no evil because I'm blind to it all / and my mind and my gun they comfort me / because I know I'll kill my enemies when they come / surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life / and I will dwell on this earth forevermore / still I walk beside the still waters and they restore my soul / but I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong / well I came upon a man at the top of a hill / called himself the savior of the human race / said he'd come to save the world from destruction and pain / but I said, 'how can you save the world from itself? ❞}

_{tribulation by matt maeson | ❝ darling can't you see / I'm a broken man / with addictive tendencies / and I think I love you / but I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love just right / so run away from me / run as far as your dark brown eyes can see / just as soon as you know / that I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love you right / oh and all the ways you won't bend / are the only ways I live my life / oh and I'm trying to cope / and burn just right / and I don't ever think I can / ever learn how to love you right ❞}

_{twenty twelve by matt maeson | ❝ maybe I'll stay right here / maybe I'll keep this mind / maybe I'll live in this moment forever / maybe I'll speak to you / maybe I'll walk this line / maybe I'll adjust to adjusting together / I could open the door and breathe in the dust / and I could walk through those flames till I don't feel their touch / oh , but how can I leave when I know what's out there ? / maybe I'll lie to you / maybe I'll play this role / maybe I'll act like my act is together / maybe I'll go through life without hope / and maybe I'll open the door and fall through the floor / I could open the door and breathe in the dust / and I could walk through those flames till I don't feel their touch / oh , but how can I leave when I know what's out there ? / maybe I could stop focusing on the particular / could you help me stop focusing on the particular ? / oh , focusing on the particular ❞}

_{wake up by eden | ❝ 'cause we've been driving so long / I can't remember how we got here / or how we survived so long / I'm trying to run from our pride / at least set fire to my atmosphere / and I remember how I spent the 23rd / feeling six feet under when I'm 30,000 feet in the air / chasing that sundown / so far east I'm westbound / feeling like the edge of the world is near / but you'll feel better when you wake up / swear to god I'll make up / everything and more when I get back someday / this is more than just a phase , love / shooting stars all break up / and even though it seems like half the world away / things will be better in america / heard the streets are gold there / maybe I can fly you out this place someday / chasing dreams like I'm on novocaine / screaming through your airwaves / looking back I almost thought I heard you say / stay , you're not gonna leave me / this place is right where you need to be / and why your words gotta mean so much to them / and they mean nothing to me ? / so stay , you're not what you're hearing / 'cause I've been watching you changing / and who said you're one in a million anyway ? / 'cause you see only what you want to / your tunnel vision haunts you / and you can't see what's wrong with you / when you keep sleeping through the pm / eyes wide open when you're dreaming / you're sleepwalking , just keep talking / maybe you can talk your way out of this deep end / no b plan in your system / just tell me what you're thinking / I'm scared that you might fall ❞}

_{white dove by koda | ❝ I had him bless these hands just to run yout out / give me strength when you run your mouth / I've got a bone to pick / somebody showed you all of the horror / you weren't born with it / I had this idlewild feeling in this house / give me truth give me a way out / I've got a home to break / somebody showed you all of the horror / you weren't born with it / you're a silvertongued jackboot thug / with white skin but you're no white dove / and you're scared of us 'cause we show you love / until there's none of us left to love / none of us left to love / I had this feeling that you'd betray me / if I gave too much and you took too much / but here we both stand / a gun in your hand / there's blood on the leaves / there's blood in the sands / I feel his grace slowly running out / give me truth give me a way out / I've got a bone to pick / somebody showed you all of the horrors / you weren't born with it . ❞}

_{pinterest poems}

_{— you can find ares in the pooling blood seeping from your bruised knuckles and dripping , dropping , plinking on the bathroom floor . find him in the mirror when you see hatred staring back , i dare you to . he smells like sweet decay and his laughter can break bones and when he kisses you pretty pain shoots through your lips and you'll love it . because he tastes like blood and metal fire and ash and his smile holds daggers that will tear through your throat in a second . under him you'll pray: grant me mercy , grant me peace , grant me victory , and he will laugh and you will shatter and you will find him in the pieces he left behind .}

_{— that winter , we all took turns drowning in the lake ; we would submerge ourselves under the ice , teeth chattering , inhaling frigid lungfuls of pond water like we'd never learned the meaning of oxygen . ma told us once that facing your fears was not grasping at straws and hoping you got the short end , but every night before we jumped in we talked about collapsing stars , about how dying was the only thing we had left to look forward to fear , and meeting it half way was the closest we'd ever come to feeling complete .}

_{— you are a demon living in glorious eden , walking among real angels . painting your lips with the lie that you are holy . hoping that if you ever bleed , your blood will be gold instead of black . and you know their blood is gold , don't you? because you have watched their brothers and sisters bleed . you have felt their wings under your claws and their necks under your teeth and their ichor under your tongue . you have not forgotten the taste of honey - sweet blood . they call you a savior , not realizing they've adopted a monster . and when they touch you , you have to bite back screams . because never has heaven's touch felt more like a cocktail of agony and euphoria . they don't know what you are . yet . but they whisper about you . they talk of your calloused feet . the mangled hands with nails that look like they've been torn . (you may have ripped off your claws but the beast inside has its own pair) . heaven's children murmur about how you shield your eyes . because all they'd need to see is the oblivion within to know that you are not god's child . " i'm like them , " you tell yourself , " i am one of them . " you are not . while they drink blessed wine and laugh like melodies , you will taste ash and choke on laughter you cannot make . they are holiness draped in silk . you are chaos drenched in glory - blood . " may god bless you , " they say . but the only blessing you deserve is death .}

_{— the human thigh bone is stronger than concrete , a boy in a man's body tells me , sucking down a joint and trying to kill himself quietly . the funny thing is that we weren't built to break , that our bodies are so strong it takes trucks to overturn us . the funny thing is , we designed ourselves to survive but forgot to make our souls strong . sometimes people talk to me about the invincibility of the human spirit and i think that sounds really pretty but doesn't solve problems like how teenagers are taking their own lives off of shelves as if they were thieves in a seven eleven . they say that the human spirit can endure anything thrown at it , but then how come so many of us hate ourselves so hard we can't see straight for it? once a boy told me he just wanted to make me forget everything but the happiness his fingers could pull out of my body , but you can't make love to someone's mind . the human thigh bone is stronger than the buildings we keep killing ourselves in . there is a big difference between being alive and living .}

_{— i've never believed in destiny . no , the stars never whispered my name , my future . i grabbed my own fate with two hungry hands , pulling and pushing and molding my life , leaving smudges and dirty fingerprints all over a once clean soul . my mistakes belong entirely to me . no , the stars never mapped out a path for me to follow , never planned my downfall , my triumphs . i rule the stars , not the other way around . i take their dust and inject it in my veins ; i breathe in their light as i live .}

_{— some people are just born to fight , i think . it's not that they're born brave . it's not that they're born strong . it's just that the universe has decided that this one , this one will have grit and fire and steel in their blood . and it'll be tested , this cosmic mettle of theirs . they'll face trial after trial , be broken and damaged in countless ways . but this one was born to fight . maybe it's not the life they would have chosen . maybe they'd love to lay down their arms . but they were born to fight . it's what they know . it's what they do best . it's all they can do .}

_{— back alley angels , concrete kings , we recycle prayers like plastic bottles and wish the wings would wither off our backs . they ask us if we're holy and we bind our wrists with garbage bags and swear to never speak the blasphemy that bristles on our lips . darling , we are modern martyrs , , purging promises with dime store bourbon and pawn shop cigarettes , hoping that in the ruin of our bodies we will find something purer than the piety that wrecks our hearts , that stain our hands . at night , we drink ourselves to pieces and i can feel a baseline beating in my bones . they ask me if i miss the taste of ichor and i tell them " not if i pump my lungs so full of starlight that my tears turn to rivers and run silver in my veins . "}

_{— judas promises that one day , we will stop bleeding out in dark allies , waiting for the louder silence to swallow us like lightning bugs and trampled wheatgrass . we take turns slipping out of our skins , jumping into one another's until our own become unrecognizable , flesh draped over hallowed bones too tightly , too vast in its familiarity . gabriel's wings are all golden flames and ebony , printed with coming dawn and tragedy , and he tells us the story of their creation while we all take turns diving off the canyon into ravines below . " be careful , " he warns . " you are birds with broken wings . you were never meant to leave the ground . "}

_{— i'm getting bad again ; at night my hands shake , and the words scraping the walls of my skull stick like rusted needles in my throat , half digested and yet fully whole . i'm getting sad again ; for hours i sit and press my numb heart to a canvas , hoping that the colors bleeding across it will make something more beautiful than the turmoil that's cracking my ribs . but when your name flashes on my screen - " are you ok? " i say: " yes . " because when you speak to me your voice breathes light and flower petals into my lungs , and the cracks in my ribs don't feel important anymore . how could i dampen something as happy as us with something as cold and lonely as this? the canvas will stay behind my back , at least for now . maybe i will tell you on another day .}

_{— i am pieces of quotes from my favorite books stitched together by song lyrics and i am glued together by midnight conversations and the sweet taste of coffee and i have this tendency to fall apart suddenly . and i need you to somehow be okay with this because i am created by the souls who are brave enough to gather all my tattered pieces and put me back together , and oh god how i would love to be whole again .}

_{— the boy , who looks all soft and angel , doesn't make it out alive . the volcano gets him . a sudden hurricane . he's swallowed by quicksand or other untimely acts of god . i have to tell you that before everything , before i let you know that his left hand is larger than his right , or how he counts among everything insects as wonderful things with wings . before i tell you about the music , his quiet stories about his dad's brown guitar , you have to know first that he dies . when he dies it'll be his eyes we notice , the way they shutter suddenly like blinds on a broken window of an abandoned house .}

_{— doctor says the incisions will only heal if i hold warm saltwater in my mouth . so there's a wound inside me and i am bathing it in oceans of sorrow in order to move forward . repeat after me: somewhere the moon rises out of the rain . somewhere icarus crawls out of the sea , unburned and alive . somewhere we are polishing the word absence with our tongues and learning not to be terrified of all we lack . ache first , yes , but then let the cuts close . spit out the blood . watch your body pull itself back together , in spite of the lost wings , the stolen bones , the halted songs . watch your body pull itself back together , then let your soul do the same .}

_{— the apocalypse begins in colorado , between rounds of war games in the flower gardens . mama used to say it would start with the water running red and fire riding the sunbeams down to this godforsaken rock ; grandma used to say that it would be redemption . it starts with lightning , and david whispers " i bet you a dollar that we come out unscathed , " and i laugh , and keep laughing , until flowers crawl up my throat , and shake his hand . gabriel wraps his wings around mary , all aching serendipity and collapsing sunflowers , and neither are sure if the timing is right , or if it even exists , now , but they decide - " the ends of the times are here , shut up and kiss me ." michael grabs his tunic , grabs his war paint , grabs his remorse from where he'd abandoned it among coral reef beds and obsidian , and allows himself a moment to grieve for the coming chaos and ruin . he stares lucifer in the eyes , and offers hi condolences . raphael asks for my shoes , and i offer him my body , all thorns and dehydration and spite . he refuses , and i remind him of the war , tell him , " i need to be something bigger than myself , this time . i need to be stomachache and burning bushes and a messiah's favorite flavor ." he parts his lips , softly ; murmurs , " you'll become all that without my help , darlin' . you just gotta keep the fire goin' when we can't . "}

_{— true friends leave their daggers in the glove compartment and carry spray - paint cans to make daises to cover the 'we're all damned' billboards instead , late at sunset when the coming night looks like bruised arms and our legs get wet from climbing through the cricket laden grasses and up the tall body of the sign . our scratched - raw hands , our black jeans ripped at the knees , our solidarity . i'd like to think there are angels , and i'd like to think they're watching . from the hillsides , in the weeds , as owls or armadillos , black - eyes and remembering fire . angels , do our hearts look like balloons in our chests , or bouquets of roses? does it hurt to look at us in sin? or do the blooms we leave covering other people's sins make you feel better? do you remember love when it used to look like a molten rock? how god made it into a sphere? how we're all spheres circling each other , trying to hold on to any hints of gravity and tenderness that we can?}

_{— crack glass against the wall and revel in the shards , this is your heart on the ground , sharp edged glory and linoleum . you are mismatched , mistaken , mislead . you are whole and apart and inbetween . break your own bones , bend them into stars and the shape of the sun , know that they are beautiful . bend them into concrete brick and stone wall , know that they are strong . your mouth molds words you were taught not to speak . that drumbeat call to war you feel against your ribs is the breath in your lungs , in , out and in again . steady now , your hands are shaking .}

_{— my villains got me locked in a cage , but they don't know i have the key . i haunt the shadows with a gun in each hand and a smirk on my lips . this tortured soul has had enough , i've got a taste for blood and vengeance and i'm dying to hear their screams .}

_{— " when is a martyr not a martyr? " he asks over afternoon tea , the evening i run away for the third time and return three hours later , crying into my cassette tapes and splintered knuckles . i still cannot meet his eyes . i pull my fingers over the hyacinth petals , the ones on his countertop from three weeks ago , over and over , until it feels more like cowardice , more like hiding . he grabs my hands , turns it into butterflies , his irises a radar of warmth and starlight , and he mumbles the question again . i hum in response , baritone meeting static for the first time , and he paints my arms gold , magicks my mouth into sunrise so i'll give him an answer , and he replies , " when he saves everyone but himself . " the meaning sinks in , and he holds my shoulders while i tremble myself into an earthquake ; frantic , my hair becomes snakes , becomes wisps of smoke , becomes moonlight . i shiver into a new dawn .}

_{— i was at the dinner table the first time someone told me , " god does not exist . " i haven't had a dream since then . sometimes , i imagine dying like it's a good magic trick - sometimes i imagine dying and it feels like driving home . often , i want to pry open the mouth of a lion , cut out her tongue , and wait for her to fight back with just teeth . what i mean to say is i'm nothing to scream about . nothing to shine a light on or give a pair of hands to . what i mean to say is i'm just another way out of the ocean . what i mean to say is i drove home from my own baptism fully believing i had just narrowly escaped drowning .}

_{— you relearn coming home . you name the broken country inside of you after a language that no one else has the words to . you are forgiveness after a long hard day at work . you are forgiveness with its muddy knees and its sleeves rolled up . you are the first robin that comes back home . you are the honey that runs down everyone's chin . i don't know where you got all that darkness from , but here . . . here there are graveyards big enough to put it down . don't let the haunting stop you from becoming alive again . don't give your ghosts a voice louder than yours .}

_{— in the paradox that is the universe i envy the mindless atoms . i long to drift through time and space without becoming self - aware . awareness leads to realization and realization leads to sadness and i think that i have had enough sadness already . but then again , who am i to put a limit to emotions? who am i to play god like some cruel man beating his fists at the sky with despair? i have not been given the right to decree my own fate and that is something i must swallow without allowing it to linger on my tongue , because i have never been fond of bitterness . and yet i am not given a choice in whether or not to taste it . i would like to meet a man named irony and laugh at him someday . he is everywhere without even realizing it , like atoms .}

_{— in another universe i am a thirteen year old boy with soft hands and bruised shins again , but this time i tell my mother about my day as we fold laundry together . my mother smiles . the summer heat does not feel razor sharp or ready to wound me . my mother laughs . in this other universe my hands are allowed to be mine . but i am trapped here , inside this night like splinters stuck under the skin . this night like the mouth of an angel in exile . this night like an overturned bowl of blood . this night which stretches on landslide - heavy and unending . can you feel how i tremble? there is a stampede in my blood that unworks me . over and over i pick my bones off the floor and sew them back into the shape of a body . isn't that what life is like , running from the ghosts within you that tear you apart at your seams? how many times have i died in the night only to get out of bed the next morning? the chorus is laughing at me , singing , " fragile boy , the lightning will devour you soon , " and it's always soon and i'm always running . in my dreams i name myself sycamore tree . i shed the torments of my youth , i grow wild with sunlight on my tongue , and i survive for centuries . in reality i take a hot shower , pull on clean clothes , and choose to move forward . small moments of tenderness are better than none .}

_{— i think you forget a lot that i am not as strong as i pretend . we were four shots past where we should have stopped and you had already puked once before putting your shaking hands in cold water to wash yourself and your empty mouth clean of alcohol . we lay on your floor with your hand spread like ribbons around you and our hands knit like tree branches and i kissed your neck because i like to be close to where your heart is and you said , " you're a boy , can you explain something to me? " i laughed and i said " i doubt it , " and you continued , " do guys feel sad too? " and the smile on my face cut itself in two because all i could see were the scars you don't know about yet , the emptiness that is slowly choking me , how tired i feel always , the thin blade in the back of my wallet i fished out of my father's pencil sharpener , the nights on my shoulders when i should have called you and asked you to pull me from the river but instead let myself drown just so i had something guilty to feel about in the morning , the fact that there are so many skeletons in my closet they have started to slip out and show up in the mirror . but i shrugged and told you " i don't know , dear . "}

_{— now , do not misunderstand me ; when i call myself a shell i mean a used up bullet casing . as in , the aftermath of something lethal . as in , an echo of inflicted evil .}

_{— but i'm not strong ; i'm weak , and i'm tired , and i'm broken . i've spent so long trying to pretend i wasn't , like if i just said i was happy , i'd eventually heal . but it's like putting a band - aid on a bullet wound .}

_{— i have a heart so heavy i think i might be malfunctioning , but the warranty is probably voided by all the things i have done to cause me own ruin ; like the nights i spend in rooms with people who didn't even like me enough to listen to why i was one step away from crying , or the friends i made in people who were bad ideas in the first place and never text to see if i'm still somehow surviving . like how i let myself sink into emotions so thick they are unhealthy , like how in the back of class i break out into a cold swear because i consider speaking up and answering a question . do you think there's a place i could trade in this body or maybe just rewire my brain? because despite everything i've done i'm still living in pain .}

_{— you can't just remove hurt from your skin like it never happened . people are mobile tattoo machines and the marks they leave on us are pretty easily seen . for example maybe his fingerprints aren't really burned on my skin but i still don't feel clean whenever i think of him and maybe the bones he broke healed long ago but i still flinch when someone raises their voice . maybe i'm technically whole but i still feel like i'm missing my soul . people don't get it . they don't . unless you're covered in blood , they think you're okay . unless your story is raw enough , they dismiss your pain . last night i thought i heard him laughing and i almost passed out . four days ago someone was wearing his cologne in the hallway and i had to throw up . it doesn't wash out . he's still in your hair , but people get tired of hearing you mention it . he's still under your sheets , but people get used to how you don't sleep . it doesn't wash out , you just get better at handling it . my mother says time heals all wounds . it's really that you gain experience in dealing with the pain . i don't know if it ever goes away , you just learn how to be strong despite it one day .}

_{pinterest poems 2}

_{— look i'm just going through a rough patch because when am i not going through one? but this isn't mild turbulence . it's one more shot away from an ambulance . it's words spilling out of my mouth that sound like i'm in the process of selling myself to a funeral home ; it's thin black water i'm calling ink because my writing's run dry ; it's the smell of hospital beds where once i sat in the emergency room holding a bleeding nose and doing my history homework . once i sat in the emergency room with a broken wrist while some kid with a broken collar tried to unwrap a muffin and cried when he couldn't do it . and once i sat in the part of the hospital they put you in when the person you love is in a room and dying . this is what that feels like - i feel like i'm in the waiting room of a doctor's office and when i step through the door i'm either gonna find out this was all in my head or there's really something wrong here . i don't have much time to live for right now . i'm in a weird state of being absolutely awful while still being totally okay .}

_{— i set boundaries and i built walls so that no one can reach the scattered pieces of my soul . but then he came and i let him decipher me . i slowly let those boundaries vanish in the hope that he would put those shattered pieces together . but he who seemed like an angel gave me nothing more than a curse - a curse that left me with no hope and now i am so hollow that i am scared to look within .}

_{— at first the word depression doesn't belong to you: your mother writes off your self-destruction as over-dramatics because you're too young to be broken . and besides . what bad thing has even happened to you yet . you don't deserve a real diagnosis . so you keep the condition under your skin . wondering if your apathy is something everyone goes through . you don't want to be seen as causing trouble again . so you sit down and shut up and decide that you're absolutely fine . that you're just going through a rough patch . so what that one night while babysitting the neighbors you take a pair of scissors to the inside of your left arm and discover this is what being alive is like? you are not depressed . but you take to writing wake up on the inside of your wrist as if pleading with yourself to find feeling again . it's not an addiction . even though you come home from a perfectly good day and end up cutting your skin . and only being able to sleep when you're bleeding . but no . you've just got a strong darkness even though there's no way out of this .}

_{— sometimes i have so much to say i end up saying nothing at all . i used to be a marble sculpture of a man but recently instead i've been a sidewalk . cracked and stepped on and stretched out and unpretty . someone told me i eat sadness like it's the air i breathe . i didn't tell them my diet is mostly liquor and disease . i fuck boys before i know them . and when they get close to me . i leave . pills don't help and i don't want them anyways . parents don't cry when you blame your depression . they say 'that's not a real reason .' i'm not tired because i've been up all night planning my suicide . i'm tired because i haven't been doing my homework . maybe i would stop feeling empty if i would just have a real meal already . it's not as bad as i'm making it out to be . can't i see that everyone is suffering? we're all just really excellent procrastinators . everyone's putting off dying until the last possible second . i just happen to be getting a head start on this one particular project .}

_{— insomnia . as diagnosed by a doctor who smells like tobacco . when you tell your boyfriend . he inhales a cigarette and says 'everyone has it .' your sheets are stained with sweat and you take pills that don't let you wake up from nightmares . anxiety . first in class . noticed when you started tearing at the skin next to your fingerprints and organizing your pens obsessively . you are reading the medical report next to him when he says that he thinks anxiety is just your mind letting society in . you cannot breathe in movie theaters . and spend concerts wondering which direction you would run if someone came in with a gun . you knit your fingers as tightly together as you can so you do not hold him with your sweaty palms . depression . re-diagnosed as 'lazy' by your mother and 'too tired' by your lover . a blanket term you're learning means wanting to swallow bleach and step in front of fast cars . you instead chase the bitter realization with self-harm . blades in the places he should be holding you tighter . burn scars on the back of your thighs and he doesn't even notice . just fucks you without the lights . and you realize he wouldn't even care if you wound up dead .}

_{— these yellowed motel sheets that smell of piss and heat and sex . carpet worn to the nub . this phone that rings . this jarring . (it happens all at once .) you are flooded with a manic self-combustion . you want to open your veins and find out if there really are rattle snakes inside of you . hissing into your bloodstream . or if it'll be cheap bourbon that'll spill out instead . man . you aren't on the run . you're running . this doesn't feel like triumph any more than a battlefield feels like a board game . yes . you are still playing . but this time the cigarettes will kill you before the guns do . your own holy body betraying you before he can even touch you .}

_{— sometimes i think god is the sound of dad's rusted pickup shuddering awake and carrying itself down the road while the rest of us are waiting for the smoke . these hands of mine . they look nothing like my mother's . nothing like my father's . maybe like your hands when you aren't conjuring them into barbed wire or church mud . remember the first time we met? you were leaning out the back of that paramedic's van . arms covered in blood not belonging to you . body as heavy as unspilled rain . you had no wings . and your angel halo was debris from the housefire . i thought i must be dreaming . because who knew angels could tremble when they unwound gauze? you tell me the war is elsewhere . that i have to leave to see it . but the real war's right here . it's in mom's eyes when i cut my hair down to nothing and it's in dad's shoulders when i sit at the dinner table . all thick-soled boots and exposed shins and knowledge that i am damned for the pyre no matter how bright you glow when you call for me .}

_{— i forgot i had fists today . my heart decided to be a vicious warrior . punch after punch . does it seek a glory? i'm washing my hands . they shine like red sunsets when i first found paradise . am i murderer? or did i kill all my thoughts in self defense? angels are talking behind my ear . they don't sound like the cruel laughter . i know . they never leave (everyone always does .) should i call this love a lie? for the first time i think i could be holy . i almost smile . my lips are full of ruby lies . smooth criminal dancing in forgotten light . put on trail for breaking . yesterday i tried to burn my mind i left three bodies fading behind me back (all were mine mine mine .) forgive me father for leaving those marks . mother says heaven doesn't want me anymore .}

_{— there ain't nothing beautiful about shaky hands holding a cigarette and empty eyes staring at the cracks in the walls . you know what is beautiful . instead? the days when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile . scars and all ; music that makes your soul flow like a river ; books that offer comfort ; families flocking together like overgrown birds to keep you safe and warm ; friends that give you strength when you can find none ; lovers who make you laugh through tears . baby . from now on you are going to romanticize healing ; honey dripping down your fingertips ; august nights that stick to your skin ; the day you find your purpose ; long car rides and singing so loud that no one can shut you up now . bad news: no one is coming to save you .}

_{— they ask me why i ignore the people that love me ; why i always space out ; why my hands always shake ; why i don't trust harder . i tell them i am in love with life but i hate living it . i tell them i want to be more than this . i tell them i am disappearing within myself . i tell them to not look for me . i tell them i'm just trying to cope with the fact we exist . and one day we won't . but they never listen . they don't understand . and they tell me to stop crying . to start facing reality when i have faced reality and it destroyed me .}

_{— you're asking me what i want for breakfast and i'm telling you about how when the worst thing happened . i didn't even cry . you're handing me a receipt from the laundromat down the street and i'm passing you a bundle of letters i wrote to god when i was fourteen and scared . you're passing me the milk after you drip it into your coffee and i'm half laughing about the psychiatrist's office and how there's actually a couch and it's made of blue tweed . you're trying to do the normal things and i am throwing up dull pieces of truth onto our kitchen table . i can't lie anymore . these are the things i've done and they're mostly sad . these are the places i've been and they're mostly awful . this life has woven itself into the notches of my spine and i hear it creak every time i stand .}

_{— what a thing . to be both starving and empty . to ache for love - to take scraps from it's table . and yet . run sickly from the feast . you can't fathom why i'd gobble your kisses but duck your attention . please . understand - some of us have gone so long hungry . the idea of being full feels worse than the affliction .}

_{— first days of summer and the sky is already a thunderstorm . heat swelling under the skin-surface in swathes of hyacinth clouds . i bruise like a peach . my body has become fruit flesh . we rot away until these bones are stripped bare and the ground is littered with our limbs like a graveyard . it's hard to not talk about angels because it's hard not to talk about dying . and every time i try to sleep i end up dreaming of cherry pits and skeletons with wings . i am tired of it hurting more often than not . sometimes i think that god is already buried six feet under .}

_{— happiness is this: not crying after every nightmare . after every opening of your eyes . after every setting son . not flinching at their cutting words . their cutting glances . cutting thorns on your fingers . not caring about your sister's pain or your mother's disgust or everyone else's gain . not engaging in any of it . not taking their bait to join the massacre parade . not breaking with every shattered scream . not stepping down from your mountain of discarded skins . happiness is this: laughing but not aching . talking but not gasping . standing still and not tripping or falling or dissolving into the ashes under your feet . it is untangling your heart from your lungs . untangling their fingers from your mind . bending and twisting and snapping and adhering . happiness is this: not staying . not seeing . not getting touched . drifting further away from what your parents made . it is not believing . not telling the truth . not using their words . words that weren't made for you . it is looking them in the eye and not saying you're fine . saying you're amazing . saying you've never been better . happiness is this: not feeling emptied or stuffed . not being she or he or they but that . that statue . that paper doll . that ghost of a soul . bleeding but not bleeding out . screaming but not burning down . smiling but not feeling your heart break . not caring not caring not caring . but festering in savage detachment . happiness is this: not being lost in oceans of maybe and soon and one day . it is this ; being the fire that burns you . filled by it . subsisting on it . being the monster that cannot be killed .}

_{— death is too easy and too simple . we all know how it goes . but believe me . the hardest thing in the world is to live . and to live for something . something that burns the soul . something hard to forget .}

_{— sometimes i think about the people i used to be and sometimes i think about how many of them i had to end . and i often think about how many more i must become . until i finally learn how to let go and begin .}

_{— because sometimes it never makes any sense: the more i try to forget . the more everything reminds me . the more i try to run away . the closer i am to it all . the more i try to different . the more i realize i am the same . because sometimes nothing ever makes any sense but also because sometimes what does not make sense is everything i need to define all that i feel .}

_{— lost dreams . lost hearts . and lost minds . everyone is living inside of something or someone . walking slowly . searching the searched over and over . all we could do is wait . we wait till one of us escapes . we wait till one of us returns . and every once in a while we wait for something or someone to remind us what life is like on the other side .}

_{— there are ways of understanding people that do not require words . if you look close enough you could see a lot of life and a little bit of death burning through their eyes . sometimes it says more than we could ever explain or imagine about ourselves .}

_{— i found hell in my head and heaven in other people ; they could never collide at the same time . and when they did i was still burning in the fire . sometimes i feel like my life is a wild beast trapped in an unlocked cage . and it is awfully afraid of what lies on the other side . that is what hell is like ; having something viciously brilliant inside of you . but not believing in it enough to set it free .}

_{— as i got older . i realized how bad it was . i lost a lot of people growing up . some would smile and then try to destroy me . or destroy themselves . i had to learn how to tell the difference between laughter and screams . between a flower and a knife . between a violent welcome and a gentle goodbye . that's how it was . that's how it still is .}

_{— sometimes i wake up feeling like i need something to exhaust the darkness in me . because i know there is a light somewhere in here . but it keeps leaving and it keeps coming back . and every time it returns it reminds me to keep going . to keep searching . for something raw and for something real .}

_{— i could never take myself too seriously . i wanted the whole world to smile with me . and i wanted to fill their empty spaces with laughter so when i departed from their eyes . their hearts would remember how beautiful it is to feel .}

_{— listen . i am not someone who is easy to love . i am not someone who is to be taken lightly . and most of all . i am not someone to burn . for i am the fire . my soul is on fire and everything i live to touch becomes one with the fire . so ask yourself if you are willing to burn . because the moment you open yourself to me . i will have no choice but to scorch everything that defines you . and without regret . i will devour and i will leave nothing behind .}

_{— take his hands . take them by the teeth . because you are something wild . something terrible . and he never knew how to love you in a way that inflamed you . in a way that gnawed at your bones . are you still trying to swallow the stars? are you still trying to let the light burn through? you wanted to leave something besides a blood trail . besides prayers growing stale on your tongue . you could give them your body . your flesh . offer it up like a sacrifice . like a banquet . would it be enough? could they carve a story from your veins? when your mother tells you about your birth . she says it like myth . like pain and blessings and something pink and precious . she never tells you that you were born angry . with too many teeth . it all adds up to this: the hollow chest . the bruised neck . the shaking hands . your body . the triumvirate of unholy things .}

_{— we cling to music . to poems . to quotes . to writing . to art because we desperately do not want to be alone . we want to know we aren't going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how you're feeling . we want someone to explain the things we can't .}

_{— i think the hardest thing i've come to realize over these tumultuous few months is that no one truly needs me . i'm no longer a permanent fixture in anyone's life . i can glide in and out and have no effect and not be missed . it hurts to know that i can be so temporary to those whom remain permanently imprinted on my mind}

_{the tepid fields of wind haven's territory were a wonder to him , a strange sentiment given that he spent half of his time here on floating islands and then the other half in deserts hotter than the devil's asshole , but one that was true nonetheless . he has not been in such a peaceful land before , and he expects it all to dissipate before his eyes at any second . good things do not last , all the rugged and weary know this to be inherently true about life . it wears you down , and the gentleness seems ephemeral among the endless conflict . he indulges in it as she does : in moderation , with clear reminder that it will not last . it is a sordid way to live , but he finds it comforting to know that he has no more false hope left to put into pipe dreams .}

_{"Ver," her name was said as a greeting when he approaches , and he watches her with some concern marring his already rugged features , the injuries on her pelt not ones he remembered from the short time he had seen her in the solaris kingdom . he wonders what he has missed , then promptly thinks she may be here to ask for help or to offer a status update , ignorant to what had transpired just short of his appearance in the otherwise seemingly peaceful meadows . " are you - " he bites the words back , though his brow only seems to furrow further , and as if thinking better of his pity - induced question he redirects it entirely . " what brings you here ? " he wishes he can offer more pleasantries , no matter how short of a time he had known her . at least he remembers her name ; he cannot say the same about countless others . it's progress , albeit a slow one , but something tells him that casual small talk would be ill advised in a situation such as this .}

_{still , he can't let her state go . another once over her body affirms that silence is not the best course of action , and while he knows he is not the most capable medic , wind haven surely has one that he has yet to meet . " anything I can get you ? " he does not explicitly state his intentions , but he doubts it is possible to hide the implications .}

_{there has been a lull in his responsibilities ever since he has left blizzardclan ; it had been easy to lose himself in work when it was the only thing leaving him sane , and hunting proved to be a good release of pent up frustrations and doubt , for he was a hands on kind of guy , and he didn't mind if half of the things he caught ended up feeding the mouths of the little ones . if anything , he preferred it . it had been a job well viewed , and it ( along with his friendly attitude and penchant for being in the right place at the right time ) had apparently been enough to earn him a position far superior to his companions .}

_{he had left all that behind , though . it wasn't because he was chasing anything , either ; it was the exact opposite . the demons at the back of his head had made it clear his time had come , and the life he had started to make for himself fell apart quicker than he could piece it back together . he wasn't on the run now ( it couldn't be classified that when he was no outlaw of blizzardclan so much as a deserter ) but it had been much harder to care enough to bother hunting things down . for now he wasn't too far gone as to neglect his own health , but it took the bitter gnaw of hunger nagging at the back of his mind to drag him out of his self - induced exile .}

_{he isn't sure if he misses it . he has never hunted with another , life as lonely in company as it had been wandering as a loner , and that adds another layer of complexity to his already jarring problem . he is not sure how long he will be here , how long he can fight off his own mind , and the wiser part of him screams to leave them all alone lest he get attached and makes leaving harder upon himself and others . the touch starved , lonely soul , however , wins out . he approaches with a loose , lopsided grin , all toothy and warm , and eyes the meadow around them almost pointedly . he was used to bigger game ; it would be a heavy dose of irony if he was reduced to catching voles given how obstinate he had been about not doing that same task when leif had given it to him in blizzardclan .}

_{" what are we goin' to be hunting?" he asks , leaning back against his haunches , not quite sitting should they spring to action without warning . " there anything big around these parts ? "}

^{_{* i . general information − ♱ : ❪ I'm out here loading a gun , this lovesick hungry wild coyote , run , run , run ❫}}

^{— desperado break drachen / goes by des / cis male [ masculine pronouns - he / him ; masculine presenting ]}

^{⤷ generation 20 from drachen lineage , carries but does not introduce break surname despite being the sole heir}

^{— lirim break xx fell drachen ; full brother to south and dismas / five on kinsey scale , closeted / not not looking}

^{— loner ; has no real loyalties or home / most used to combat , but prefers diplomacy / former hyperian isles hp}

^{— chaotic good , loyal to those he trusts / born 6 - 15 - 2015 / 56 months physically and mentally / ages real time}

^{— acts happy but suffers from multiple disorders / speaks in a low , soothing timbre with a notable southern drawl}

^{— voiceclaim : avi kaplan / faceclaims include jesse mccree [ ow ] , corvo attano [ dishonored ] , and dante [ dmc ]}

^{_{* ii . important information − ♱ : ❪ you thought the money would save you ; one in the chamber , blood in the water , my love ❫}}

^{— trying to look for a permanent home , though he knows that it is highly unlikely he will actually find one}

^{_{* iii . visuals / aesthetics − ♱ : ❪ and if it kill me , it'll kill me ; so let it kill me but I'm never gonna live a lie , no ❫}}

^{red tailed hawk wolf hybrid ; 5'2ft, 75lbs [ main ] / smells of cigarette smoke , cedar wood , fire / reference one , two}

^{— there is a rugged kind of handsomeness to the large canine male , rough and weathered around the edges and not quite everyone's type . he is not soft where others would be , with lean and compact muscles spanning the entirety of his body , barely surrounded by any kind of fat that is unflattering . most of his body is scarred , with seemingly almost no space under his feathers and fur left unmarred . despite this most of these lines are hidden by his pelt , covered over and healed as best as they can , though there are a few scars that mark his previous deaths that stick out sorely across his body . the two biggest are the long , horizontal line across his neck , as well as the giant scar that runs up his abdomen to his chest . his face seems to be the only part of him that is left largely clear , though there is a small indent running across his left lip , another scar across the bridge of his nose , and one just behind his left ear . he is above average in terms of size , and tends to tower even those of his own species let alone those of others , but there never seems to be an intimidating aura around him , his entire air warm and open . unlike his mutated counterparts , des is a hybrid between a red tailed hawk and a wolf , with other telltale signs of his body differing from those who simply inherited wings . to begin with , a majority of des' body is covered in wings along with fur , mainly clustered around his spine starting from his neck all the way to his tail . these feathers mirror the markings of a regular red tailed hawk , with a paler tawny neck darkening to a chocolate brown surrounding his shoulder blades and back , then reaching russet orange colors when they part into his tail . alongside his regular canine tail , des sports a split hawk's tail , both the same red coloration as the bird he is a part of . the entirety of des' body is the same regular coloration , mostly a pale brown color save for his off-white underbelly flecked with spots of darker chocolate . instead of having regular wolf paws , desperado's more closely resemble talons , with longer than average claws that reminiscence a raptor's . apart from that des sports a massive pair of dark feathered wings , powerful and capable not only of flight but also of protection against elements and attacks to some extent . other than that , des' eyes resemble those of a raptor as well , with small irises lost in pools of whiskey brown ( l ) and ice blue ( r ) . des can almost always be found with jewelry spotting his body , though some interchangeable collectibles aren't as frequent as his usual attire ( listed below ) . he is also almost always found with a cigarette or cigarillo in his jaws , though he takes care not to smoke much in public .}

^{accessories and inventory | two ring piercings in left ear , one cross ring piercing in left ear , three studs at base of right ear .}

^{_{* iv . mentals / personality − ♱ : ❪ let the willing go the willing ; time to say goodbye , I'm dying alone ❫}}

^{— positive : trait , trait , trait . negative : trait , trait , trait . / extended personality goes here .}

^{— depression , anxiety , post traumatic stress disorder , insomnia , impostor syndrome}

^{_{* v . confrontation / relations − ♱ : ❪ because I'm not here , no I'm not here anymore ❫}}

^{homosexual , biromantic / single, not not looking / extremely easy to get along with and trust / ½ shipname}

^{— 90 / 100 physical − 60 / 100 mental − 70 / 100 defense − 100 /100 offense power − prefers infiltration/espionage}

^{— prefers to avoid combat , but finds himself often in the thick of it regardless / offense / quote when attacking}

^{— fire elemental / formerly trained by lirim break / has no apprentices , briefly trained persephone in blizzardclan}

^{⤷ desperado is considered a difficult opponent simply because of his burst power potential . trained from a child to become a devastating assassin , des has the advantage of speed, agility , stealth and style , with added strength as a bonus . despite this he is fragile and easy to overpower when caught off - guard or when failing his own attack , and does not do well against multiple opponents at once . he prefers infiltration type attacks , isolating opponents to quickly take down without ever getting caught . physical health : 90% , no current illnesses . mental & emotional health : 70%}

^{— [ 0 ] maybe crushes / [ 0 ] crushes / [ 4 ] former crushes / love interest undetermined, love plots currently open}

^{trusts : south , dismas. / distrusts : lirim . / easy to befriend , but trust is difficult to build ; romancing him will be difficult}

_{he still remembers the good old days when gatherings like these had been more common . it had been a very long time ago , years if memory served him right , and it brought a sense of familiarity to otherwise easy adversaries , making for interesting developments further down the line . he has always been an advocate of peace ever since his return to the clans ; he was tired of fighting , and it was so painfully easy for him to turn the other cheek in order to stave off conflict . he was no fool , however . enemies would still , likely , remain enemies and infighting was inevitable . the best they could hope for was some brief common ground . he does not remember any gatherings that have ended in a disaster , yet . there was always room for a first , but it would hardly be by his own hand .}

_{ever the social one , he took to idle conversation easily , and while he didn't know wind haven's stance with most other groups given his short existence there , he found it wouldn't have mattered much even if he did know . des was here to meet people , that was the entire point of monthly gatherings . meeting people wasn't mutually exclusive with coinciding with some enemies . his eyes did not catch any familiar faces , though there was a silent anxious hope within his heart that one of the members of blizzardclan would come around for him to talk to , but until then he opted to join an already forming group , the idle murmur of pleasant chatter making for an easy enough excuse to invite himself over .}

_{an easy grin formed on the canine's maw as he arrived , though he kept a fair distance away from all of them . the name of their clan - the sharper , bloodier scent if he had to guess - caught his ears ( hellraisers was one hell of a title ) and , finding his curiosity piqued , he chose to interject one their words were finished . " new group , eh ? with a name like that I'm tempted to ask if you're itching to battle with the exiles for who'se top dog around here . " not that he viewed the exiles as such to begin with . there was little that terrified him anymore , and a bunch of scrappy mutts with a penchant for killing for the fucks wasn't among his greatest fears .}

_{oceanveins   OSIRIS   LUCANTINE-   CORY V.}  

_{this was his first meeting in wind haven , and while he did not expect much to be addressed that would pertain to him specifically , he chose to attend regardless . it would do no one any good to avoid crucial statements and events , even if he had not been around to participate in any aforementioned raids or learned enough of the customs to understand most of them . promotions were given to individuals he had never heard of , demotions to those he had heard of even less , and while he murmured his own congratulations he doubted they would be as heartfelt as those celebrated by individuals closer to the individuals who carried the mentioned names .}

_{there was little more for him to do than listen , though , and he waited for Jericho to finish his announcements before addressing the only part of the meeting that he had been addressed in . " thank you , " the sentiment was directed both towards the welcome as much as it was towards the small wisteria charm offered to him as a greeting . it was a sweet gesture , and had he been any more sentimental about such things he might have even appreciated it more than he truly did . material indulgences were never high on his list of needs , though . the house he had been offered was enough for des to be happy here for the time being , wind chime or no .}

_{still , he accepted it with grace , offering Jericho a warm smile as he stepped forward to take it , quickly retreating once again to await any further conclusions . he was almost embarrassed by how easy it was to imagine his own little homey wind chime , rustling in the gentle night zephyrs that ran through the entirety of wind haven as he waited . things never changed , did they ? he was still as much of a fool as he had been in blizzardclan ; all that was missing now was a garden to call his own and people who he considered tentative family he would inevitably leave .}

_{home was never a word he had known . it stuck in his throat , a choked sound garbled by bittersweet laughter whenever he tried to force it out , and after years of trying to find a place he could stay and consider one , he had learned the hard way that such a place could not exist for him . it was impossible when history proved to him time and time again that his choices led to harsh consequences , when he hurt those closest to him after attempts to do the exact opposite . there had been too many places he had tried to call home, too many people who he most definitely could remember but did not want to for fear of digging himself even deeper into a self made hole of negligible nostalgia that would only worsen his condition . all he had was the pelt on his back , the tired paws that carried him through the lands , the necklaces around his neck that clinked together softly whenever he walked to remind him of the only person who he couldn't bear to forget - and himself . home was no longer an option ; he was his own home , and he took it wherever his paws decided to take him when he found himself running from problems and opportunities alike .}

_{betrayal was a word he knew better . it plagued his life , the only thing had had known for years before penance made it's way sharply into his heart . redemption was a dream , and during long sleepless nights turning over his old mistakes and overthinking new ones he would inevitably make , des was more than ready to consider it a pipe dream at that . still , he tried . he tried even if he had left several places now , more than he could count both on earth and this new , strange place they deemed agrelos . he tried even as the ghosts followed suit , whispering blame into his ears , tugging at his pelt , urging his shaking paws to light cigarette after cigarette as if hoping to drown him in the smoke or start a bonfire within his dry , aching bones . he doesn't doubt it would be easy , if at all possible . he feels as wrung out as the timber they use for the blaze , and fire already dances upon his fingertips anyways . it isn't too far of a stretch to consider the guilt eating him inside out , ripping through his flesh , and burning whatever is left of him .}

_{how many places has he tried to make into a home ? blizzardclan , sunclan , scarclan , the rogues ... shit , there were likely more names of mutual adversaries that he had forgotten among the list , travelling from one enemy to another as if hoping it would make returning harder . in a way his plan had worked ; he hadn't returned to any of them but blizzardclan , once , and now he had left that place as well to try to make another home here . he isn't the only one with problems , though . commitment issues seem to plague everyone these days , and it is not uncommon to find people running - from real problems or perceived ones .}

_{it is why he is not surprised when he sees a stranger slink off in a telltale way he knows too well to be a simple brief departure . he does not know who this is , why he is running , but he knows the man is running from something . he knows it by his own motions , his own patterns . those were the haunted eyes of a runner . a soft grunt escaped his throat , mouth moving around the butt of his cigar , but beyond that there was little for him to say . he would have been a hypocrite for trying to stop others from running away from their problems , not when he was here for that exact reason , not when his paws could not settle easily into the soft earth beneath his gait . he did not feel a part of this group , either , had not felt a member of any for years now . how long before he followed suit , haunted by thoughts of personal inadequacy , personal troubles ? they were all running from something , in the end . some of them were just better at it than others .}

_{" you saying you think you can catch up ? " he mused , though the statement was nothing more than light banter . he paused , grin widening , mirth mixing in with subtle kindness , then spoke again , this time with eyes staring off into the distance in faux thought . " better question yet , you think others could catch up to us ? I'm thinking it'll be more fair if I get paired up with one of our weaker links . " was it a thinly veiled compliment ? or was it an invitation for lemon to try and establish himself as one of the said weaker links ? really , it depended on what he felt like doing that day , and des had given him plenty of room for options . this was easy , the talking . he always had a way with words . " giving others a fair chance , and all that , " he continued , just in time for caliban to approach and for his pointed look to end up befalling him .}

_{while he didn't know the young man , he wasn't an idiot ; it was difficult to make an accent sound genuine unless you grew up surrounded with it , and it didn't take a genius to know that whatever the hell he was trying to do was strange and un - genuine at best . he quirked a brow in the youth's direction , though he didn't point it out or question it outwardly , and before the air could get any more thick with the palpable embarrassment that instantly started to radiate off of caliban in waves , he chose to take pity on the other and spoke up . " the deer haven't had to deal with me , yet , though , " he pointed out , a hearty laugh escaping his jaws , seemingly unperturbed by caliban's attempts at impersonation . if he was offended , he didn't show it , and he continued on as if nothing had happened , laughter subsiding into a deep , reverberating chuckle within his chest . " I say I came at a perfect time , then , to rescue you all from having to bow down to some hooved menace . "}

_{things had been made infinitely harder when the change to agrelos had happened . he didn't remember much of it ; he only knew that he had been dead while it happened , and then his soul had been unceremoniously shoved back into a body that had never felt his . he had hoped , at least , that the next time he got reincarnated that it would be more peaceful , that he would get a new body ( hell , he'd even settle for a pomeranian if he had to ) and that life would somehow fall into place after that . life never worked like that , though . he had woken up among chaos and fire , surrounded by people and places he didn't know but with the same sense of overwhelming dread that had plagued him ever since he could come up with clear , concise thought . whereas before there had been some familiarity that had kept him grounded no matter how many clans he left and returned to , how many people he abandoned and lost forever , there had ( and still was ) no such comfort here . he was alone , and no one he remembered was here . no clans , no words , no people . just him .}

_{for someone who had spent most of his life wandering alone , trying to convince himself he didn't care about others , he was awfully fucking sentimental . it should have been a relief ; this was what he wanted , right ? to start over , to not have to worry about his past mistakes ? and yet they seemed to stick out even worse now . he had nothing to fall back upon , not when his history was suddenly gone while also still painfully his . the people he had known , the people he had left ... had killed were all gone as if they had never mattered , and somehow that hurt more than anything else . it meant his redemption didn't mean jack shit , that this could all disappear from beneath his paws just as easily as it had before . he was an idiot , though . he was still trying regardless .}

_{" haven't heard that name in a while , " an easy smile made it's way onto the canine's features as he approached , though there was telltale twinge of nostalgia within his warm eyes , a brief speck of bitterness amidst an ocean of wildfire . he had never made a home here before , not on earth at least , but the name still brought forth memories similar to those ridgewhiskey held ; memories of simpler times , of people gone by , of names that would never again be spoken on tired lips for those who carried them had become ghosts . sunclan . scarclan . blizzardclan . the latter had been the only thing that somehow remained unchanged , but from what desperado had heard , the moment he had left them again their name had been altered . tampered with . he couldn't hold back the bitterness at the thought , betrayed despite the fact that he had no real reason to be . it had been him who had left them first ; he had no control over what they wanted to do with his ... their home .}

_{" windclan , " he stopped just short of the other , head tilting upwards into the sky , tasting the word on his tongue and finding he preferred it . " names were simpler back then , weren't they ? " a soft chuckle intercepts his statement , gaze returning to the stranger , and then he speaks more of his mind , seemingly no filter present when it came to his abilities for small talk . " but it's wind haven now . what can I do for you ? seems like you know roughly where you are ... or at least where you wanna be . maybe I can point you in the right direction if this here ain't what you've been looking for . "}

_{ehehehe welcome}

_{/ sits on u}

_{" 's treating me just fine , " he doesn't let his own sorrow seep into his tone at the half - baked answer , pleasantly keeping his own troubles from this conversation . wind haven had been nothing but kind to him so far , there was no point in marring their hospitality because of his own thoughts of incompetence and anxiety . " much nicer than the heat of the desert , I must say . not the best place to take a vacation , the kingdom . " he tried for a joke , a soft chuckle reverberating through his chest , but he couldn't help but feel it seize up all at once . he had left without so much as a goodbye , much like he had abandoned blizzardclan , and it takes a man stronger than him to leave unaffected . he doesn't know if she's wondering about that , or if she cares as much as he does about his inability to stay in one place for long enough for it to hold some meaning . whichever was the case , he smiles through it all anyways , ever as good at lying about his condition as ever no matter how much the world wears him down . all he had to do was slap a joke in there , redirect people's attention , and it all fell into place after that .}

_{he stayed silent as she continued , however , embracing that which he had lost due to his seemingly untimely admission . he missed an opportunity to fight , to fend off whoever they had been fighting ... maybe if he had been present , the casualties would have been smaller . it's impossible for him not to overthink , nerves chewing him out from the inside , so he does not speak once she finishes . he had not been there . this is not his talk . " my condolences , " is all he can manage to muster out , genuine sadness creeping into his eyes , mouth working at the stick of grass he had snuck into his jaws as a relief . " I don't know if wind haven can offer much but ... if you need help getting her out , you know where to find me . "} 

_{ok but I genuinely want these two to become pals ok}

_{hell yeah !!! Ngl I was thinking of like,,, a specific kind of plot where after a while des opens up to ver,,, like at first it’s just a casual friendship but then slowly ver gets to know him more to the point he feels comfortable telling her some of his problems and like,,, she ends up being his go to person ;u; the only person he really trusts and knows will be there 24/7 because she’s everywhere so no matter where he goes he knows he can find her lmao and it gives him a sense of stability}