//OOC
He had always known he was different.
From the moment he could walk and talk- he’d always been the outcast.
As far as he knew, he’d never done anything wrong. He often thought about it after his sisters drove him away when he tried to join them. He hadn’t acted out or injured them. So why? Even his mother treated him differently. All of them did things he didn’t understand. ‘Smiling.’ What did it mean to smile? ‘Laughing.’ Laughing was associated with smiling. He had tried it once. There was no benefit from it. The others had not ‘smiled’ back at him, either. Quite the opposite, in fact. So why did they do it? Why did others... ‘laugh?’ Why did they ‘smile,’ if there was nothing to be gained from such a useless action?
Ska’arq had never understood.
”Mother, I don’t understand.” Perhaps asking her would answer his questions. He could remember the conversation clearly, even to the present day. It had never quite left his mind.
”Understand what, sweetheart?” the feminine reptile had hummed, her tail swishing gently as she worked. The carcass in her claws was being stripped of its meat, in preparation for the night’s supper. The smell had been tantalizing.
”Smiling. Laughing. I don’t understand. What is the purpose?” Clear as day, he remembered the moment she had turned to look down at him. The... expression on her face. He hadn’t been able to put a word on it at the time, but she had been ‘confused.’ She, too, was aware of how different her son was, but perhaps she didn’t fully know of the depth of her son’s peculiarity.
”Smiling and laughing is an expression of joy! You’ve felt happy before, haven’t you?” The carcass was placed on the stone as the larger dragon crouched down in an attempt to become eye level with her son.
Ska’arq shook his head once. So many new words. ‘Joy.’ Smiling and laughing was an expression of joy? What was ‘happy?’ Did it relate to joy? Perhaps they were two words for the same thing. She had said ‘felt’ happy. Did that mean happy was an object?
He wanted to know the answers. Quelling the questions would give him a better understanding. ”I have never felt ‘happy’ before,” he responded with a tip of his head. ”Do you have any? I would like to see it.” Maybe touching happy would give him a better understanding. Ska’arq blinked as his mother did, watching as she reared back, her eyes bright with something he didn’t recognize. Her lips pulled back. There it was. A ‘smile.’ She began to laugh. Smiling and laughing brings joy. Joy was related to happy. The hatchling looked around. Where was happy? He couldn’t see it.
His attention was captured by his mother as she spoke again, the ‘joy’ still in her words. ”Happy isn’t an object, Ska’arq! It’s a feeling! An emotion! Quit being a silly goose.” Lifting her hand, she brushed the boy’s cheek with her finger before nudging him away. ”Go find your sisters. Mommy has to make dinner.” With no other choice, he briefly watched as she resumed stripping and preparing the meat before walking away. ‘Emotion.’ A new word. He would have to find out what it meant. He would watch his siblings for a while- maybe they would provide some understanding for him. He had learned many things from them already, after all.
For several weeks, he did nothing but observe his sisters. He didn’t approach nor speak to them- not once. As predicted, he learned several things. ‘Happiness’ was an extended form of ‘happy.’ Laughing and smiling brought joy, which meant happiness. Happiness was brought when they ‘played games’ together. ‘Games’ made them smile. ‘Games’ made them laugh.
Yet that wasn’t all- games apparently made them ‘cry’ as well. Ska’arq didn’t understand. Jiqari had simply tripped and scraped her nose. Why was she making such a loud noise? Why was water leaking from her eyes? Had she become sick? No... there was blood coming out of the scrape. She was in ‘pain.’ Pain was the body’s alert and defense against further harm. He watched as Jiqari was hugged by Helira, the elder sister ‘comforting’ her as she wiped away the trickle of blood and smiled at the youngest. Why was she smiling? He didn’t understand. Crying meant pain. How did crying relate to games? Why did Helira smile if Jiqari was in pain? Games was supposed to mean smiling and laughing. Helira was smiling. With more and more questions popping up, Ska’arq stowed away the information he had learned.
And so he continued to watch.
It had been a month later when their mother departed from them. They were a year old, capable of fending for themselves now. Ska’arq was becoming more and more aware of the world around him, slowly coming to understand how it worked and why. He’d learned about many ‘emotions’ on his own. Anger. Fear. Disgust. Guilt and regret. He was still learning, of course. What caused such reactions from others? In what way was it useful for survival? Fear he understood. It assisted in preventing death by provoking the fight or flight response, and was often the basis of swift responses to dangerous situations. Fighting meant anger. Anger lead to guilt and regret. Disgust led to anger. Was everything connected? It was fascinating.
He often got to watch such things unfold in person. His sisters were often angry at him.
Helira glared at him, face scrunched up in a snarl. ”Stop staring!” she spat. ”That’s all you do! You never help with hunting! You never help with cooking! You never help with anything! I’m tired of taking care of your useless ass all the time. I’m done, you creepy freak! Done! Get out of here and don’t come back!” She aggressively shoved at him, causing him to stumble. Jiqari didn’t move from her seat, but her face was twisted angrily as well. When Ska’arq didn’t move, Helira shoved him harder. ”Go!” He fell to the ground.
...Interesting. Without a word, he had stood up and left. He didn’t see them again for quite some time. Left to wander on his own, thoughts circled through his mind.
Then it occurred to him.
Could he create his own reactions?
He was alone. There was nobody to test his question on. Right?
The dragon’s cold gaze flickered down to the half-eaten carcass beneath his claws. Wrong. There were plenty of subjects around.
Animal after animal, dead by his hands. None of them laughed. None of them cried. None of them yelled. All they did was scream. Screaming was fear. Fear? How did pain relate to fear? Pain was supposed to relate to crying. These animals did not cry. Was it the fear of pain? Evidence told him that that was indeed the case. But what did it mean to feel fear? What did it mean to feel sad? Sad meant crying. He knew what pain was. Pain was one thing he could feel. So why didn’t it make him feel fear? Sadness? He’d never cried before. He’d never screamed out of fear. He’d never felt anger or happiness. So what was he missing? Was he doing something wrong? He had tried a multitude of times to provoke the same reaction in himself as those around him. He played games. He put himself through pain. Nothing. So why? What was he missing?
He struggled to discover what was wrong with him. For hours, days, weeks he tried coming up with theories or ideas that could explain why he was the only one who didn’t understand.
Wait- what if it was the animals?
The animals had never shown him anything but fear. Could animals only feel fear? Did he need sentient life to learn how to feel? Yes. Perhaps that was it. He knew just the two to experiment with. Setting off on his journey, he began the hunt for his siblings. He had to find them. It certainly took some time, but he did find them again. As he’d predicted, they were still at the home they’d grown up in.
As young children, Ska’arq had been the smallest and weakest of the three, despite not being the youngest. It appeared as though being forced to live on his own, as well as his travel and experimentation had put him in quite the physical shape. He’d grown bigger than them as well. Helira wasn’t much smaller than him, but it didn’t change the fact that she had to look up at him. Despite this, they were still angry to see him- as expected. With some effort, he’d convinced them to let him stay with them. It invoked some jabs shot his way, but it soon became clear he wasn’t as ‘useless’ as he used to be. As they adjusted to his presence once more, the teasing began to stop.
He wanted to experiment with every emotion he knew of. Every detail of his findings were to be placed in journals of his own creation- hand-crafted paper bound with animal’s leather. Of course, further in time, he would simply purchase or trade for traditional notebooks found in schools, but for now, he only had himself.
His first experiments were on happiness. He tried a variety of things, (considering their... rocky past, not to mention his rather dulled sense of humor, making them happy was quite difficult.) and eventually, they enjoyed having him around. All of his experiments went into the first notebook. From then on, he travelled a wide variety of emotions as he learned. Sadness. Disgust. Curiosity. Anger. Guilt and remorse- and many others. He’d saved one for last, however.
Fear.
His experiments were nearly complete. He had almost all the information he could gather. The time had finally come for him to answer the question that had been plaguing him for so long; was feral fear different from sentient fear? He was going to find out.
It was, coincidentially, the day they had first come out of heir eggs. September 13th- their Hatchday. His sisters were making preparations. They were excited for the events they had planned. It was a shame he never got to see them.
Helira was first. With a strike that had rendered her unconscious, he had forced nails through her arms, legs, and tail, rendering her immobile against the stone cliff. Jiqari had returned soon after, and he’d forced her to watch as he slowly murdered their eldest sister. Eventually she’d bled to death, but not after the gruesome torture. She’d screamed during the entire process, but it didn’t sound like the kind of fear he was used to. Understandable, of course. This was sentient fear. It was different from feral fear, right?
In the end, Jiqari was last. Her response to the situation was extraordinary. He hadn’t known so many emotions could be shown at once. In the end, she had tried to kill him, and he had no choice but to kill her instead. A swift snap of the neck and it was over. It was a waste- he could have recorded more information.
His experiments were over. He was certain he’d learned all there was to know about emotions. Why they occurred, what caused them occur- but one question still remained unanswered. Why couldn’t he feel emotions? What was he doing wrong? After all this time, what was he still missing? Despite his efforts, staring at his research yielded no answers.
With some rest, he would try again tomorrow, but sleep wouldn’t come. His mind was full of questions that he just couldn’t answer. Then, in the midst of it all, a question conquered the rest. What if he could take the emotions? What if he could somehow contain them and consume them? Would he be able to feel?
For the first time in a while, the thoughts were quelled, and he fell into a deep sleep.
It took an entire year.
There were many trials and errors, many terrible burns involved in the creation of the little object. Some had died while he tested his prototypes, and others just didn’t work. Eventually, his efforts payed off.
Ska’arq sat in the forest, the vial pinched between his fingers. There it was- the fruits of his labor. With direct contact with sentient life, raw emotions would be siphoned from them and into the bottle. The emotions would be his. He tugged at the black lace looped around his neck, feeling a prick of pain as the cuts on his neck protested against the movement. He’d implanted strips of carefully crafted mechanisms into his neck, with the belief that they would assist his nerves in transmitting messages - emotions - to his body. Now he would find out if his efforts were in vain. Popping the empty vial into its lid on the lace, he sat back on his haunches. At last, he was on the track to understanding emotions. He would test this vial, see if it worked. If not, he would keep trying. If so, then...
He just needed sentient life. Just one. He’d secluded himself far out in the wilderness. It took three days of travel before he found one.
It was a lone child, crying and alone. The body of his mother was nearby, her blood soaking into the grass. The sharp scent made his nose twitch. The loss of his mother was an irrelevant problem. All he needed was the emotion.
A simple persuasion would do. “The sadness will go away if you stick your claw in this vial,” he said, startling the child. The pup turned to look up at him through eyes blurred with tears, watching as the dragon plucked the lone, empty vial from the lace around his neck. As it was held out to him, the pup didn’t hesitate to shuffle forward, doing as he was prompted.
For a moment, nothing happened, but then a pale yellow liquid began to secrete from his claw, dripping into the bottle. The color was so pure and bright- Ska’arq couldn’t take his eyes off of it. The child briefly lurched before catching himself, but the reptile payed no mind to it, fixated on the bottle as it slowly filled up.
In the present day, Ska’arq was strict on only filling a third of a vial using a single person- for a reason, of course.
As the last drop filled the vial to the top, the reptile pulled it away, staring at the brightly colored substance. There it was- another month’s worth of efforts, sitting in his hand. Would this one work? There was only one way to find out.
A thud brought him to tear his gaze away, and he found himself looking down at the child, collapsed on the ground. Had he killed another one? Maybe this attempt was a failure as well. With his free hand, he gave the body a nudge. The child groaned, slowly pushing himself to sit upright. He hadn’t died, which was a good sign. Possibly. With the vial still held in his hand, he said, “Feel happy.” He forced on a smile, looking down at the confused pup. He had completed another step in his efforts to feel emotions- it was means to celebrate. To feel happy. Why was the child not smiling?
In response, the pup merely broke into tears again, staggering away as he pressed against the body of his mother. Could he not feel happiness? What was in the vial, then?
Only one way to find out.
Bringing the vial closer, he clipped it into the lid, letting it dangle against his chest, watching as it... began to glow. Why was it glowing?
A tight feeling grew in his belly, rising into his throat. He felt light. He couldn’t explain it. Almost involuntarily, it grew on his face. A smile. A smile. A real, genuine smile. Why was he smiling? He couldn’t make it stop. He didn’t want to stop. He was smiling and he wanted to smile and he felt incredible.
The singular vial glowed brighter, and a giggle burst from his jaws. Escalating to full-on laughter rapidly, Ska’arq stumbled before doubling over, collapsing onto the grass as the pure sound cut through the air. It certainly took a while before he could stop, gasping for air. Lifting a hand to wipe tears from his eyes, the smile faltered. Tears? Was this not happiness? But he was...
Staring at the moisture on his hand, the glow faded away and the laughter died from his eyes. Perhaps he didn’t understand everything after all- but it was all well. He’d done it. He felt joy. He was happy.
What about the others? He needed to know. He wanted more emotions.
As he travelled far and wide, he poured all his efforts into the next vial, yet another year pushed behind him.
Bright yellow. He had finally done it! He felt fantastic. What was this? It felt like happiness- almost better. He wanted to run around, to scream. Was this excitement? He was... proud of himself. He was excited to have another vial. He had two now.
He wanted more.
Luck.
Courage.
Tranquility.
Patience.
Hope.
Trust.
Anger.
Thoughtfulness.
Curiousness.
Respect.
Anxiety.
Frustration.
Determination.
Fear.
Thirteen years. How had he lived so long without emotions? He’d been missing so much. It was wonderful- beautiful. He could smile - genuinely - at those around him. He could feel an actual drive behind his questions, a desire to obtain the answers rather than the want to simply stop asking. He could place faith in those around him to fulfill their promises, and become angry when they didn’t. He could feel fear pounding through his heart when he woke from nightmares in the dead of night and yes, he could finally dream.
There was only one left.
He’d manipulated yet another child into filling the vial for him, proud of himself when it worked and, surprisingly enough, she was quite cheerful when the process ended. Ska’arq stared into the deep blue liquid, the glass pinched between his fingers. The final vial. He clipped it into the lid, the glass clinking softly as it tapped against the others.
As it began to glow, the yellow-orange vial flickered as he anxiously awaited the feeling that was soon to come.
He thought back, to the events that had lead up to this moment. The conversation with his mother, the time he’d spent with his sisters. A smile flickered across his face as he thought of Jiqari’s creativity and quirkiness, and Helira’s gentle yet protective attitude.
He thought of Helira’s blood on his hands, Jiqari pinned beneath his foot. He thought of her screams, their cries. The accusatory shriek of his youngest sister, tears streaming down her face as it cut through the blood that belonged to her eldest sibling. He thought of the feeling of her neck snapping in his grip, her body falling limply to the ground.
He thought of all the children, all he people who had died to his experiments, his failed prototypes for his vials, and he couldn’t stop. Their faces, burned into his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about them.
His throat grew tight- it was hard to breathe. He felt horrible. Tears welled in his eyes, his breath hitching as he fell to his knees. A thin whine escaped him, turning into a sob that tore from his throat. What had he done? What had he done? Was it worth it? Was any of this truly worth all the lives it had cost? All the suffering he had brought upon others? The weight on his chest was unfathomable, sobs continuing to shatter the silence of the night. Ska’arq curled himself into a ball, covering his face with his hands. He didn’t hurt- but he did. Why did he feel this way? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about them- all the things he’d done? Was this sadness? Guilt? He hated it. He hated it with all of his heart. He wanted it to stop. He didn’t want to feel this way.
But you deserve it.
No. With a shaky movement, he tore the vial out of its cap, holding it in front of him as he glared at it with teary eyes.
No.
With a click, he attached it to the cap again, and the tears kept coming. He stole everything from them, for the sake of his own greed. He wouldn’t throw this feeling away just to stop some tears. He would keep it. He would never forget this feeling, and he would never forget the pain he’d caused them. Never. For as long as he lived, that vial would be a token of his sins, of his efforts, of the efforts of those who had to live without what he had stolen from them, those he had killed, who would never again walk the face of the Earth. He swore it that night, sobbing into the night sky- he would never forget, never throw it away.
Ever.
The tears were still flowing when Ska’arq awoke, body jerking into an upright position. Sucking in a shaky breath, he hastily wiped at the tears with the back of one, then both hands. Staggering to his feet, he pushed his way out of his makeshift home, the ground around him illuminated with a soft blue light.
His gaze flickered up to the night sky above. A full moon. How ironic.
Sitting down on the grass, he squeezed his burning eyes shut as his breath hitched in his throat. He didn’t try to silence his tears. He never did. The tears weren’t just his; they belonged to them. He didn’t have the right to take that away too.
Tears dripping from his already-moistened face, the dragon stared up at the stars, once again reflecting on the actions that had brought him here, quietly thanking the spirits that lived among the stars, those who had been sacrificed to give him what he had lacked since birth. With quiet words, he whispered under his breath.
”Thank you.”
ATTACK IN BOLD #6e65b5 - TAGS - NINETEEN YEARS OLD
