Posts by lil peachy

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  • you probably think that you’re better now - pafp (ADV.)

    so it’s been a really long time since i’ve been on here and wow looks like everything has changed & none of my previous fancy posts are valid etc so this may be a really awful first post as i get used to this new format, so sorry about that! also please do not jump into this if you are not an advanced writer (multiple paragraphs, detailed, proper grammar, etc.) or i may ask you to leave. thank you! & fair warning i am constantly touching on difficult topics & have a flair for the dramatic so please know what you’re getting into lol.


    PREMISE - 4 college friends (i will play a girl & a guy & you will play a girl & a guy, who will be each other’s characters love interests) embark on a summer road trip trip to a lake house in connecticut, however there is a lot of drama & secrets that await to unfold.


    CHARACTER PROFILES -

    full name: eleanor rosaline mercier

    nickname: ella, el

    age: 19

    traits: outgoing, carefree, impulsive, perfectionistic, witty

    academics: majoring in fashion design/marketing

    appearance: short, rail thin but well endowed, long white blonde hair with blue eyes and enjoys wearing heavy makeup, & maintains a trendy style

    relationship: on/off with mickey’s best friend/her best friend’s brother [your character]

    faceclaim: maggie lindemann (but just w/ blonde hair & blue eyes)

    history: born on the upper east side in manhattan, new york, ella has always had a more glamorous lifestyle, having a pretty enriched and happy childhood. her mother kate, a doctor, and father peter an engineer. however, things started getting rough as her teenage years came, at 13, her father, peter, and older sister, charlotte getting into a car accident that killed charlotte at the age of 15 and left peter paralyzed from the waist down. this was just the beginning of ella’s downward spiral. at 15 she got her first serious boyfriend, cameron, but by 16 he had begun abusing her, both physically and verbally. after he drunkenly took adavantage of her at a party, ella plucked up the courage to tell mickey, being too afraid to tell her parents, and mickey nearly killed him in return. cameron was sent to jail and that was the end of it. although the events left ella reeling and she turned to starving herself to cope, the damaging habit turning into a full blown eating disorder. she has gone to treatment once before and recovered but then ended up relapsing after a secret her & [love interest] share.


    name: mickey rafael kingston

    nickname: mick

    age: 21

    traits: protective, charming, cautious, honest, funny, loyal

    academics: majoring in political science

    appearance: tall, built, lean, dark medium length hair, blue-grey eyes, casual style

    faceclaim: toni mahfud

    relationship: has an interest in ella’s best friend/his best friend’s sister [your character]

    history: born in queens, new york, mickey didn't grow up on a lot of money, but he had a close knit family, trying hard to stay out of trouble in a troublesome place. but as he got older, things took a dive. when he hit high school, he started getting involved in a lot of crap, from gang violence and drugs, influenced upon him by a girl he was infatuated with and before he knew it, he was addicted, trying to pass it off as a common thing. once his parents found out, they kicked him out and he went to live with his mother's friend's family, the mercier’s. he eventually overdosed and was sent to rehab, also breaking up with the girl who got him hooked, only to overdose again after learning of ella’s ordeal with her ex, as she had become like a sister to him. after his own ex's death from an overdose, this motivated him into getting clean and he has stayed away almost religiously from any drugs. once he got his act together he got accepted into a worthwhile college and proved he could accomplish more than he thought.


    NOTE - i will write the first post once someone responds, or if you wanna start it off that is fine as well!

  • you probably think that you’re better now - pafp (ADV.)

    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    the sunlight from my bedroom window was shining through, making everything seem so much more lively as i was packing, having practically been counting down the days until we left. this was it! this was probably the most excited i’ve felt in a long time and that was nice.


    okay, what am i missing? i thought, doing a double check to make sure i didn't forget anything. i had all my clothes, toiletries, makeup, accessories, towels, lake inflatables, etc. i even took the liberty of stuffing a couple bottles of alcohol and maybe a few grams of weed or so tucked in the bottom of my bag. we’re supposed to be having fun and mickey would be fine with that, i’m pretty sure.


    i checked my makeup in the mirror of my vanity, also making sure my outfit looked somewhat decent, as much as it could at least on me. i was wearing a tight white crop top that revealed the belly button piercing i got last summer along with black leggings and nude lace up boots, while my long blonde hair fell in loose curls down my back. i was debating on whether to wear this or just stick with wearing a sweater or jacket like i usually do. god, i better lose four pounds before this trip is over. i mean, i was going to be with [insert name] for almost the entire summer, it was hard not to feel like a potato next to her. people told me i was pretty, but sometimes it got hard to believe it. you always want to make sure you measure up. especially since i no longer had any dance classes to take because of summer, sigh. you know, originally i wanted to major in dance but i became unsure of myself so i settled on fashion design and marketing, what can i say? i found the fashion industry enthralling.


    “ella! are you ready yet?"


    i heard mickey's voice as he knocked on my door, clearly annoyed that i was taking forever. i still can't believe i actually convinced my parents to let me go, as well as letting [name] tag along on our road trip to our lake house in connecticut, perfect place for a summer escape.


    "yeah, as long as i remembered everything." i said, unlocking the door so that he could come in.


    he opened the door and walked in, although he stopped dead in his tracks.


    "what the hell are you staring at?" i asked, raising an eyebrow. i know why he was staring and yes, i knew i was sick, i wasn’t blind, i just didn’t know how to stop. i didn’t want my only identifier to be hey wow i have anorexia! there was more to be than that, but lately i felt enveloped by it.


    "oh...nothing, just come on, [insert name] and [insert name] should be here soon....i still can't believe kate and peter guilt tripped me into taking you two." he said, going ahead and grabbing my duffel bag while i grabbed my purse and we headed downstairs. sure, mickey was not actually my brother, but it felt like it. he's lived with us since he was sixteen and he was pretty much family.


    "please mick, you know it's going to be so much better with us there. besides, [name] is great, you guys will get along swimmingly, who knows, maybe even better than that, hmm?" i teased him, my tone rather suggestive.


    "oh, shut up, she's just a friend, barely that." he said, rolling his eyes. uh huh, whatever he says. he may not admit to wanting to f.ck [name], but i had no problem saying i wouldn't mind f.cking [name], i already have anyways. and that’s where the issue lies. you see, we’ve been screwing each other for awhile now, and it was starting to evolve into something more. however, we kind of had an, er, accident you could say a few months ago. yeah, you guessed it, he put a baby in me. i was terrified. i knew my body couldn’t handle that, and i don’t think my mind could either. we were not ready for that, so it was clear where my options were leaning. on the same token though, i was so scared i had ruined my body and maybe this would be the only chance i had to become a mother. but...i didn’t even get the chance to make the choice as i ended up miscarrying. i was both relieved and devastated at the same time. relieved that now him and i were the only people who had to know and it low key fixed the issue for us but also devastated because sh.t, i didn’t even get the choice, like that was a part of us that was just so quickly gone and put to rest. it was safe to say the experience crushed and sent me right back onto my path of self destruction. [insert name] and i had kept it a secret and i hoped it stayed that way, mickey and my best friend didn’t need to know, even though i felt bad about hiding it. at least it brought [insert name] and i closer in a way, that was the only good thing.


    i was brought out of my reminiscing as mickey put my duffel bag by the front door along with his, and we ventured into the living room where my mom was sitting on the loveseat going over patient files for work with my dad, who was sitting next to her in his wheelchair.


    my mom looked up as we walked into the room and stood up. "you guys have fun, okay? don't forget to call and don't do anything stupid, got it?" she said, smiling slightly.


    "they're young, kate. i think doing stupid sh.t is in their dna." my dad joked, laughing slightly. i suppose with my reckless partying history it was already hard enough for anyone to take me seriously anyways, i don't blame them for thinking we were going to do reckless sh.t. we probably were.


    "really, peter?" my mom rolled her eyes, just like i do, but still cracked a little smile.


    "anyways, come here," she said, stepping forward to give me a hug.


    "take care of yourself, baby, okay? i love you." she said, whispering into my hair. my mom had always been extremely sentimental, especially when it came to goodbyes of any type.


    "i will, don't worry about me. i love you too." i assured her, stepping back so she could go ahead and give mickey a hug.


    i gave my dad a hug as well and he said goodbye, being more of the type to joke around than sentimental. i guess not being serious was kind of his coping mechanism. i knew he still blamed himself for charlotte's death all these years later so he tried to avoid reality. hey, it was better than other solutions.


    i was actually pretty excited for this trip, i had never done anything like it. well obviously i’ve been to our lake house many times, but never without my parents, and never doing it mini road trip style. it was good to get away from the place you've known your whole life, get some more exposure and cross your boundaries. i just needed a break from all of the insanity in my home life for a while, but then again, the insanity will probably find me.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    i had been ready for about half an hour now, wearing a typical black v neck with khakis and adidas, just waiting for ella to get ready and for [name] and [name] to get here. i still don't know how i was roped into letting ella and her friend come with us, but maybe that wouldn't be awful. i mean i've had conversations with [name] and hung out with her in a group before, but it isn't like i knew a lot of details about her other than the few she has told me or i learned from ella or [name]. sure, she was stunning, no doubt about it, and she seemed nice, but what did i know? i guess we would find out everyone's depths.


    this trip was something i had been waiting for, for quite a long time. i was finally in a really good place with my life and this was going to be one hell of a time if i had anything to say about it.


    jesus, how long can it take a person to get ready? i thought. you see, my version of packing and ella's version of packing were two completely different things. she had everything organized and i had thrown everything together and hoped that it was what i needed. it's worked well enough for me in the past, don't think that's changing now.


    i walked upstairs and knocked on her door, asking if she was ready. she unlocked her door and i walked in, but once i saw her, i was rather surprised. i never actually really saw just how thin she was until now. should i say something or should i not? no, no, not now. that would be stupid. nonetheless, she was was starting to scare me and i didn’t know how to fix her or why now, she was doing so well and then she just—stopped, she ended up in the hospital last time she got like this. i just hoped something or someone would get through to her.


    she asked me what the hell i was staring at and i rushed to speak, trying to convert my tone into something more humorous, to which i got a suggestive joke in reply, making me roll my eyes. yeah, okay, two can play at that game. i know she's had a thing with [name], she shouldn't play so innocent. sh.t, i plan on going to law school so clearly i'm smarter than i look, believe me.


    we went downstairs and i set her duffel bag by the door next to mine so that we could load it into my jeep. you see, the plan was that we drive to a hotel near the borderline today and then stay there for the night so we could finish the rest of the drive tomorrow morning and catch a break.


    upon walking back to the living room we found kate and peter, going through files which was certainly nothing new. they were busy people. kate took notice of us first and stood up, of course going for the sentimental bit, i didn't mind it, but the woman acted as if we were going away for five years on a desert island instead of a summer trip to connecticut.


    peter was always there for comic relief, his own way of hiding his guilt. there were worse things he could do though.


    kate gave ella a hug first, whispering something to her before she stepped back and turned to give me one, saying softly to me. “don't do anything dumb, mickey. and please, watch over eleanor, call us if anything happens, love you."


    she told me and i nodded, telling her i loved her as well. her and peter have been more like parents than my own had, i owed them just about everything. who knows where i would be if they hadn’t taken me in, probably dead in an alley in queens. i didn’t like to think about that former possibility though, i was just lucky for the opportunities i now had. i said goobye to peter too, and then ella and i walked out to the porch and then commenced the art of waiting and patience; two things i am absolutely awful at.


    // lol hope these don’t totally suck! sorry some dialogue isn’t bolded & some is, my bad & that mickeys is a little short, obviously posts will be longer once things pick up

  • you probably think that you’re better now - pafp (ADV.)

    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    as lia and jace pulled in and lia waving frantically, i excitedly waved back and as they approached the porch i made a beeline for lia, my tiny frame colliding into her as i hugged her. it had only been a couple weeks since i’d seen her, but a couple weeks was a long time to me. “it’s so good to see you!” i told her, a smile on my face. i stepped back to look at her, her outfit was very overdone and i knew for her, but it suited her. “oooo dressing up now, are we?” i said with a smirk, wiggling my eyebrows, my eyes darting from her to mick. they just need to bite the bullet already and admit their attraction to each other. although i wasn’t one to talk, keeping my whole relationship with jace under wraps, as if lia and mick would really care if we left it out in the open. i suppose i was just scared of getting broken again like cameron broke me, even if i knew that would be unlikely.


    i turned to jace, a soft smile on my face, “you look nice,” i said, next leaning up to whisper in his ear when i was sure nobody was looking, “i missed you.” and i did, i needed him a lot more than i wanted to admit.


    i then retreated back to my duffel bag, pointing at it and saying “i brought the good shit, so you better believe we’ll be having some fun. no fun police allowed, okay mick?” i said, slyly looking at him. i mean i understood why he was “the fun police” but while the others had limits, i threw mine all out, i just didn’t care anymore, i was willing to do whatever whenever this summer.


    i looked at lia and said quietly to her as mick and jace talked, “ya know it is summer and you look awfully cute, i see mick has been staring at you...why don’t you shoot your shot?” i asked, a smile playing on my lips.


    after that mickey started talking about driving situations and i started zoning out, which happened quite frequently. my head was never completely in one place. then i heard the word lunch and i snapped out of it. ugh, lunch.


    “why don’t we just skip lunch? it’ll save us more time!” i said to mickey, a real desperate attempt to get out of it. shit, i’d even drive if it came down to getting what i want and getting out of eating a full meal, and i hate driving. yeah obviously i have to eat something but if we stop somewhere for lunch i already know mick will make me truly eat a full meal and not just a bagel or a banana with some carrots and yogurt and i was not down for that.


    mick just seemed to ignore me though, making me roll my eyes, and said “okay, we’ll go to that new cafe down the street.” thank you for my input!


    i heaved a sigh and begrudgingly started walking to the car, forcing a smile onto my face. come on, don’t ruin your mood just because of this.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    lia was waving enthusiastically as jace pulled up, making me laugh, casually waving back.


    jace apologized for being late, attributing it to lia’s outfit indecision and i just shook my head. “no need to apologize,” i said, then turning back to lia, “especially when you look that good.” hey, she did look hot, not even gonna lie, she pulled the outfit off well. maybe i should just go for it and tell her how i feel...eh, nah i’m not great with feelings and all that jazz.


    as ella brought her attention to lia, i brought mine to jace. “so anything interesting in the last two weeks, catch any chicks?” i joked with him, raising an eyebrow in inquiry. obviously i knew he had a thing with ella, the history with that i had no clue about, but it was still fun to tease him, it’s what best friends do.


    ella announced she had some shit in her duffel bag, which i presumed was alcohol or drugs or both, as she wanted to make this a wild trip and then implied that i, the fun police, am not to intervene. oh, come on, i really wasn’t that much of a buzzkill. god forbid i don’t enjoy watching my sister do cocaine and get sloppy drunk at frat parties. but hey, this was supposed to be our unforgettable fun summer so i would let this one slide, making no comment to it.


    however, it was already about 12:30, and i assumed mostly everyone was pretty hungry, so i suggested we grab lunch before hitting the road, and ella, of course refused. well, sorry, i know how much she hated it but her opinion just wasn’t going to overrule this one, she would have to deal with it, and if i made the mistake by ignoring her protests then i’ll deal with the consequences later.


    “okay, the cafe it is then! everyone aboard!” i said, starting off to the drivers seat as we had already divided up driving plans. once everyone was situated and all our things were accounted for, i buckled up and headed for the cafe, turning the radio to an old rock station that easily had songs everyone could jam out to.


    // lol this sucked, i’ll probably find something interesting to throw in later for longer posts lol i always am one for stirring the pot lmao


  • you probably think that you’re better now - pafp (ADV.)

    // no it’s all good! mine would be better but i’m sitting here w/ a bad sinus/respiratory infection so i’m lowkey dying lmao so time to be dramatic bc i got nothing better to do


    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    “but lia, we are adults...” i pointed out with a smile as lia was thankful there would be no adults with us, obviously i knew what she meant but i saw the opportunity.


    as mick drove and jace rode shotgun, lia rode in the back with me. i reached back to unzip my duffel bag, reaching around until i pulled out my ziploc of weed, a glittery pink lighter, and some blunt papers.


    “ella...can you please not do that in the car?” mick asked, probably already catching a whiff of the smell.


    “you have tinted windows, mick, it’s fine. just don’t roll them down.” i said, shrugging. shit, it was legal in the state anyway, it’s not a big deal.


    i took a nug out of the bag and pulled it apart, grinding it up and shuffling it into a straight line on my blunt paper before rolling it up and sealing it, satisfied with my work. i brought the blunt to my lips, flicking my lighter and bringing a flame to the other end before inhaling, exhaling, and then coughing. what can i say? i was the biggest lightweight of the group in all areas.


    “anyone want a hit?” i offered, still smoking.


    by the time we reached the cafe i had smoked a good amount for my tolerance, which truly and surprisingly wasn’t that high compared to the average stoner.


    once we pulled into the parking lot, i turned to lia, “fuck, are my eyes red?” i asked, but i was sure of the answer, they were probably bloodshot.


    i smiled and grabbed my phone, leaving my lighter in the cup holder and getting out of the car, nearly forgetting we were at a cafe.


    as we entered the cafe, a hostess greeted us and grabbed our menus, leading us to our table. i was giving the place a weird stare, trying to remember why we were here.


    there was bread already set out on the table and somehow my brain did not connect two and two together and i picked up a piece, mindlessly beginning to eat it, not even seeming to register my eyes reading over the menu or chewing and swallowing until it clicked and i quickly spit my bread out into my napkin. “fuck!” i said softly. bread was empty carbs and empty calories, too many at that for one damn slice.


    “ella?” mick said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. “you good? what are you getting?” he asked.


    i looked at him as though he were foreign, “you expect me to get a legit meal after my dumb ass just unnoticeably ate a piece of bread, why didn’t you say something? i’ll get a banana and a green tea or something.” i said, crossing my arms.


    “eleanor—“ ooo he did not just use my full name. “it’s just a piece of bread...it’s not a big deal, a banana is not lunch, you need sustenance. when was the last time you actually ate dinner or lunch that wasn’t a salad or a little bit of fruit or a granola bar?” mick asked.


    “i don’t know like four days.” i said, shrugging. god, get off my case, this was embarrassing.


    he was about to speak but our waitress came over and asked for our orders so he shut his mouth, ordering his typical lemonade and a blt with a side salad and fries.


    “just a green tea for me please.” i said, brushing off mick’s glare and giving him a sly look. he shouldn’t test me.


    once our waitress collected our orders she left and mick wasted no time to make his point. “four days, ella? are you crazy?! what happened? you were doing so well, i just don’t get it, you’re gonna kill yourself. i know things haven’t always been easy for you, but you have to stop.” he said rather bluntly.


    i was silent for a moment feeling myself explode on the inside, getting ready to make a bold move on the outside too. “what happened? nothing fucking happened, mickey. i was anorexic three years ago and i still am now. i’m still alive so who cares.”


    “bullshit, eleanor. you’re worse. like almost as bad as it was after the whole cameron thing. so what happened? because clearly he’s not out of jail and back beating you so what is it?” he pressed, unrelenting.


    really? right here, right now.


    “fine, you wanna know what happened you insensitive shit? jace and i have been fucking for a long time now and i think i wanna be something more but that’s besides the point. when you have a lot of sex sometimes you have accidents. well, he got me pregnant and i had a miscarriage because of course my body fails at the one thing it’s supposed to do right, but it’s not like it mattered anyway. so there, are you happy now?” i said, biting back tears, getting a $20 and a $5 out of my pocket to cover lunch and leaving it on the table.


    “you’re welcome. and mickey, i’m not fucking sick. if i knew how to stop, i would.” i said, before getting out of my chair and walking out and back to the car, practically shaking.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    i laughed at jace’s comment and lia’s excitement. “hey that’s fine by me, one of has to keep the positivity alive.”


    i was quietly driving, flipping through the stations we could potentially all agree on when i smelt ella’s weed and rolled my eyes. c’mon, could she really not wait until we at least got out of the county? oh well. i just didn’t like that shit out in the open in my car, yeah it might be legal, but it wouldn’t be a good look if we happened to get pulled over and i was suspected of being under the influence. already been there, done that. it’s not that thrilling. and neither is the ticket.


    i asked her to not do that in the car and of course in typical fashion she said no, saying my windows were tinted and it was fine. okay whatever, i guess that was true.


    as the smoking went on it was so very clear just how much of a lightweight ella was, she got drunk fast and she got high fast, didn’t matter how much or how little or how many times she’s done something, her tolerance is crap. maybe this will be good and she’ll forget how much she’s dreading lunch. this could be good!


    once we approached the quaint cafe, i found an easy parking spot and ella asked if her eyes were red, and i just laughed, nodding my head. of course they were.


    we entered the restaurant and the young hostess led us to our seats, politely asking if we were up for any drink specials etc, i just shook my head and said thank you and sat down.


    almost immediately ella started eating the bread that was on the table and i just looked at her, but didn’t say anything, not wanting to spoil what could be a win.


    however she soon came to her senses, spitting the bread out and cursing under her breath. i was trying to tell her it wasn’t a big deal, because truly it wasn’t, but i know it was in her world. i asked her what she was getting, albeit a stupid question, but i was hoping for luck.


    she laughed and gave it to me straight, and that’s when i started getting uneasy and maybe a bit mad too, but i didn’t have a chance to speak yet as our waitress collected all of our orders—no matter how small—and then left.


    that’s when i took my chance to lay it in to her, and she was not happy, but i needed to know because this wasn’t just tearing away at her, but us too. maybe i should’ve gone about it in a better way but it was too late to regret that now.


    then everything just kind of went off from there, and i was left sitting there, stunned, staring from ella walking away to jace, putting all the pieces together. “what the fuck.” i whispered, not exactly knowing how to react. how could they not tell anyone? or did they? shit, what the hell else don’t i know? our waitress gave us our food but all i could do was just blankly sit there, as if i was waiting for someone to say or do anything.


    // lol mickeys kind of sucks sorry!!

  • you probably think that you’re better now - pafp (ADV.)

    (definitely! there will probably be a lot more where that came from later 😂 & sorry i took a lil bit & that this might suck, i wanna leave you room for more drawn out stuff and choices and shit lol but i’m also just really sick & doing anything is a struggle)


    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    i could see jace looking at me through the window and i didn’t know whether to look up or not. my emotions were racing and i could feel my heart beating so fast in my chest. we should’ve told them, but at the same time this was such a personal thing, did we truly owe it to them to say something? maybe it wouldn’t have ate away at me if i had, if i had just confided in lia, or hell, even mickey after i took the test or after all the bleeding and crying 2 months in. it would’ve felt a lot less lonely, i bet. yeah, i had jace and he was there for me but he was so shut off about it afterwards i never wanted to bring it up to him.


    eventually i retreated out of the car, and met his gaze, my blue eyes staring into his, before hugging him tight, jagged pieces and all, my lip quivering as i was trying not to cry. “i am so sorry....i know we were supposed to keep it a secret...i-i just couldn’t anymore, everything is just building up and i....i don’t know...” i said quietly.


    “i wish i felt like i could’ve talked to you more after it happened.....i know i probably could have.....and i know that the way it happened was probably for the best, but dammit, it still hurt...i wanted to be able to have that choice, wanted to know my body didn’t fail at the one thing it’s supposed to do right....i mean it’s my fault....but i just, i felt—trying to control my breathing between shackled sobs, looking at both mickey and lia as they stepped out of the cafe, to go boxes in their hands.


    “i’m so sorry....i know something should’ve been said....it’s just where the fuck was i going to begin with something like that?” i said, beginning to stop crying.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    “holy shit...how did we never know?” i asked lia, staring at her, it wasn’t a direct question really, but a pondering. you would think with her living with me i would’ve at least noticed something, but nope, always so good at concealing her emotions, same with jace too, they never let out a word.


    “everything always manages to get so fucked up....so much shit, and pain, and secrets and more shit and we never even know, i just don’t get it.” i whispered, i mean i really didn’t comprehend it. i was an open book, i didn’t understand the reason for secrets, everyone just gets hurt in the end and everything gets all messy.


    “let’s bring our food and get some answers...” i said to lia, sighing, asking our waitress for to go boxes for our food.


    once she brought them i packed up all our stuff and made sure the money ella left was correct and walked out with lia, awaiting to see what scene would lay before me.


    as we stepped outside, i caught sight of ella stepping away from a hug from jace and crying, i couldn’t tell what they had been talking about, obviously my guess was good but i wasn’t going to pry just yet.


    ella then began to regain her composure just a little and looked to lia and i, apologizing, and defending her judgement a bit. okay, i understood why she thought that, but still, i was her brother and lia was her best friend, i wanted her to always feel like she can talk to us.


    “i know, el....that can’t be an easy thing to face, and you shouldn’t have had to face it without us....you know we would always be here to support you and help you, no matter how crazy or twisted or helpless shit can get....that’s a serious thing to happen and you guys shouldn’t have had to deal with that by yourselves...or everything that lingered afterwards.” i said, maybe a little nervously, i didn’t do these difficult heart to heart things very well or often, i think that’s more of a best friend thing.

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    so it’s been a really long time since i’ve been on here and wow looks like everything has changed & none of my previous fancy posts are valid etc so this may be a really awful first post as i get used to this new format, so sorry about that! also please do not jump into this if you are not an advanced writer (multiple paragraphs, detailed, proper grammar, etc.) or i may ask you to leave. thank you! & fair warning i am constantly touching on difficult topics & have a flair for the dramatic so please know what you’re getting into lol.


    PREMISE - 4 college friends (i will play a girl & a guy & you will play a girl & a guy, who will be each other’s characters love interests) embark on a summer road trip trip to a lake house in connecticut, however there is a lot of drama & secrets that await to unfold.


    CHARACTER PROFILES -

    full name: eleanor rosaline mercier

    nickname: ella, el

    age: 19

    traits: outgoing, carefree, impulsive, perfectionistic, witty

    academics: majoring in fashion design/marketing

    appearance: short, rail thin but well endowed, long white blonde hair with blue eyes and enjoys wearing heavy makeup, & maintains a trendy style

    relationship: on/off with mickey’s best friend/her best friend’s brother [your character]

    faceclaim: maggie lindemann (but just w/ blonde hair & blue eyes)

    history: born on the upper east side in manhattan, new york, ella has always had a more glamorous lifestyle, having a pretty enriched and happy childhood. her mother kate, a doctor, and father peter an engineer. however, things started getting rough as her teenage years came, at 13, her father, peter, and older sister, charlotte getting into a car accident that killed charlotte at the age of 15 and left peter paralyzed from the waist down. this was just the beginning of ella’s downward spiral. at 15 she got her first serious boyfriend, cameron, but by 16 he had begun abusing her, both physically and verbally. after he drunkenly took adavantage of her at a party, ella plucked up the courage to tell mickey, being too afraid to tell her parents, and mickey nearly killed him in return. cameron was sent to jail and that was the end of it. although the events left ella reeling and she turned to starving herself to cope, the damaging habit turning into a full blown eating disorder. she has gone to treatment once before and recovered but then ended up relapsing after a secret her & [love interest] share.


    name: mickey rafael kingston

    nickname: mick

    age: 21

    traits: protective, charming, cautious, honest, funny, loyal

    academics: majoring in political science

    appearance: tall, built, lean, dark medium length hair, blue-grey eyes, casual style

    faceclaim: toni mahfud

    relationship: has an interest in ella’s best friend/his best friend’s sister [your character]

    history: born in queens, new york, mickey didn't grow up on a lot of money, but he had a close knit family, trying hard to stay out of trouble in a troublesome place. but as he got older, things took a dive. when he hit high school, he started getting involved in a lot of crap, from gang violence and drugs, influenced upon him by a girl he was infatuated with and before he knew it, he was addicted, trying to pass it off as a common thing. once his parents found out, they kicked him out and he went to live with his mother's friend's family, the mercier’s. he eventually overdosed and was sent to rehab, also breaking up with the girl who got him hooked, only to overdose again after learning of ella’s ordeal with her ex, as she had become like a sister to him. after his own ex's death from an overdose, this motivated him into getting clean and he has stayed away almost religiously from any drugs. once he got his act together he got accepted into a worthwhile college and proved he could accomplish more than he thought.


    NOTE - i’ll post the first post after someone responds!

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    hi! & yeah that’s totally fine, a lot of my stuff is edited samples & posts from my old account anyway (which is why everything i write isn’t entirely awful lmao) bc i broke my laptop so ik the mobile struggle lol

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    okay :) & ig i’ll go ahead & make the first post to get things rolling! & excuse the fact that it’s not aesthetically pleasing or anything lol i still can’t figure out how to make my old fancyposts work for the life of me

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    the sunlight from my bedroom window was shining through, making everything seem so much more lively as i was packing, having practically been counting down the days until we left. this was it! this was probably the most excited i’ve felt in a long time and that was nice.


    okay, what am i missing? i thought, doing a double check to make sure i didn't forget anything. i had all my clothes, toiletries, makeup, accessories, towels, lake inflatables, etc. i even took the liberty of stuffing a couple bottles of alcohol and maybe a few grams of weed or so tucked in the bottom of my bag. we’re supposed to be having fun and mickey would be fine with that, i’m pretty sure.


    i checked my makeup in the mirror of my vanity, also making sure my outfit looked somewhat decent, as much as it could at least on me. i was wearing a tight white crop top that revealed the belly button piercing i got last summer along with black leggings and nude lace up boots, while my long blonde hair fell in loose curls down my back. i was debating on whether to wear this or just stick with wearing a sweater or jacket like i usually do. god, i better lose four pounds before this trip is over. i mean, i was going to be with [insert name] for almost the entire summer, it was hard not to feel like a potato next to her. people told me i was pretty, but sometimes it got hard to believe it. you always want to make sure you measure up. especially since i no longer had any dance classes to take because of summer, sigh. you know, originally i wanted to major in dance but i became unsure of myself so i settled on fashion design and marketing, what can i say? i found the fashion industry enthralling.


    “ella! are you ready yet?"


    i heard mickey's voice as he knocked on my door, clearly annoyed that i was taking forever. i still can't believe i actually convinced my parents to let me go, as well as letting [name] tag along on our road trip to our lake house in connecticut, perfect place for a summer escape.


    "yeah, as long as i remembered everything." i said, unlocking the door so that he could come in.


    he opened the door and walked in, although he stopped dead in his tracks.


    "what the hell are you staring at?" i asked, raising an eyebrow. i know why he was staring and yes, i knew i was sick, i wasn’t blind, i just didn’t know how to stop. i didn’t want my only identifier to be hey wow i have anorexia! there was more to be than that, but lately i felt enveloped by it.


    "oh...nothing, just come on, [insert name] and [insert name] should be here soon....i still can't believe kate and peter guilt tripped me into taking you two." he said, going ahead and grabbing my duffel bag while i grabbed my purse and we headed downstairs. sure, mickey was not actually my brother, but it felt like it. he's lived with us since he was sixteen and he was pretty much family.


    "please mick, you know it's going to be so much better with us there. besides, [name] is great, you guys will get along swimmingly, who knows, maybe even better than that, hmm?" i teased him, my tone rather suggestive.


    "oh, shut up, she's just a friend, barely that." he said, rolling his eyes. uh huh, whatever he says. he may not admit to wanting to f.ck [name], but i had no problem saying i wouldn't mind f.cking [name], i already have anyways. and that’s where the issue lies. you see, we’ve been screwing each other for awhile now, and it was starting to evolve into something more. however, we kind of had an, er, accident you could say a few months ago. yeah, you guessed it, he put a baby in me. i was terrified. i knew my body couldn’t handle that, and i don’t think my mind could either. we were not ready for that, so it was clear where my options were leaning. on the same token though, i was so scared i had ruined my body and maybe this would be the only chance i had to become a mother. but...i didn’t even get the chance to make the choice as i ended up miscarrying. i was both relieved and devastated at the same time. relieved that now him and i were the only people who had to know and it low key fixed the issue for us but also devastated because sh.t, i didn’t even get the choice, like that was a part of us that was just so quickly gone and put to rest. it was safe to say the experience crushed and sent me right back onto my path of self destruction. [insert name] and i had kept it a secret and i hoped it stayed that way, mickey and my best friend didn’t need to know, even though i felt bad about hiding it. at least it brought [insert name] and i closer in a way, that was the only good thing.


    i was brought out of my reminiscing as mickey put my duffel bag by the front door along with his, and we ventured into the living room where my mom was sitting on the loveseat going over patient files for work with my dad, who was sitting next to her in his wheelchair.


    my mom looked up as we walked into the room and stood up. "you guys have fun, okay? don't forget to call and don't do anything stupid, got it?" she said, smiling slightly.


    "they're young, kate. i think doing stupid sh.t is in their dna." my dad joked, laughing slightly. i suppose with my reckless partying history it was already hard enough for anyone to take me seriously anyways, i don't blame them for thinking we were going to do reckless sh.t. we probably were.


    "really, peter?" my mom rolled her eyes, just like i do, but still cracked a little smile.


    "anyways, come here," she said, stepping forward to give me a hug.


    "take care of yourself, baby, okay? i love you." she said, whispering into my hair. my mom had always been extremely sentimental, especially when it came to goodbyes of any type.


    "i will, don't worry about me. i love you too." i assured her, stepping back so she could go ahead and give mickey a hug.


    i gave my dad a hug as well and he said goodbye, being more of the type to joke around than sentimental. i guess not being serious was kind of his coping mechanism. i knew he still blamed himself for charlotte's death all these years later so he tried to avoid reality. hey, it was better than other solutions.


    i was actually pretty excited for this trip, i had never done anything like it. well obviously i’ve been to our lake house many times, but never without my parents, and never doing it mini road trip style. it was good to get away from the place you've known your whole life, get some more exposure and cross your boundaries. i just needed a break from all of the insanity in my home life for a while, but then again, the insanity will probably find me.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    i had been ready for about half an hour now, wearing a typical black v neck with khakis and adidas, just waiting for ella to get ready and for [name] and [name] to get here. i still don't know how i was roped into letting ella and her friend come with us, but maybe that wouldn't be awful. i mean i've had conversations with [name] and hung out with her in a group before, but it isn't like i knew a lot of details about her other than the few she has told me or i learned from ella or [name]. sure, she was stunning, no doubt about it, and she seemed nice, but what did i know? i guess we would find out everyone's depths.


    this trip was something i had been waiting for, for quite a long time. i was finally in a really good place with my life and this was going to be one hell of a time if i had anything to say about it.


    jesus, how long can it take a person to get ready? i thought. you see, my version of packing and ella's version of packing were two completely different things. she had everything organized and i had thrown everything together and hoped that it was what i needed. it's worked well enough for me in the past, don't think that's changing now.


    i walked upstairs and knocked on her door, asking if she was ready. she unlocked her door and i walked in, but once i saw her, i was rather surprised. i never actually really saw just how thin she was until now. should i say something or should i not? no, no, not now. that would be stupid. nonetheless, she was was starting to scare me and i didn’t know how to fix her or why now, she was doing so well and then she just—stopped, she ended up in the hospital last time she got like this. i just hoped something or someone would get through to her.


    she asked me what the hell i was staring at and i rushed to speak, trying to convert my tone into something more humorous, to which i got a suggestive joke in reply, making me roll my eyes. yeah, okay, two can play at that game. i know she's had a thing with [name], she shouldn't play so innocent. sh.t, i plan on going to law school so clearly i'm smarter than i look, believe me.


    we went downstairs and i set her duffel bag by the door next to mine so that we could load it into my jeep. you see, the plan was that we drive to a hotel near the borderline today and then stay there for the night so we could finish the rest of the drive tomorrow morning and catch a break.


    upon walking back to the living room we found kate and peter, going through files which was certainly nothing new. they were busy people. kate took notice of us first and stood up, of course going for the sentimental bit, i didn't mind it, but the woman acted as if we were going away for five years on a desert island instead of a summer trip to connecticut.


    peter was always there for comic relief, his own way of hiding his guilt. there were worse things he could do though.


    kate gave ella a hug first, whispering something to her before she stepped back and turned to give me one, saying softly to me. “don't do anything dumb, mickey. and please, watch over eleanor, call us if anything happens, love you."


    she told me and i nodded, telling her i loved her as well. her and peter have been more like parents than my own had, i owed them just about everything. who knows where i would be if they hadn’t taken me in, probably dead in an alley in queens. i didn’t like to think about that former possibility though, i was just lucky for the opportunities i now had. i said goobye to peter too, and then ella and i walked out to the porch and then commenced the art of waiting and patience; two things i am absolutely awful at.


    // sorry some dialogue is bolded & some isn’t, my bad! & hopefully these don’t completely suck or aren’t lacking in too much detail :)

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    as leila and tate’s mom pulled in, i excitedly waved and as they approached the car i was about to make a beeline for leila, but she got to me first and my tiny frame collided into her as i hugged her. it had only been a couple days since i’d seen her, but a couple days was a long time to me. “i’m so excited!” i told her, a smile on my face. i stepped back to look at her, her outfit was so unlike her, even though i got it for her, and she was definitely looking good, but it suited the caged personality i wished she’d unleash. she seemed a little insecure about dressing in something so revealing but i reassured her. “oooo dressing up now, are we? but no! it doesn’t show too much, you look pretty.” i said with a smirk, wiggling my eyebrows, my eyes darting from her to mick. they just need to bite the bullet already and admit their attraction to each other. although i wasn’t one to talk, keeping my whole relationship with tate under wraps, as if leila and mick would really care if we left it out in the open. i suppose i was just scared of getting broken again like cameron broke me, even if i knew that would be unlikely.


    i turned to tate, a soft smile on my face, “you look nice,” i said, next leaning up to whisper in his ear when i was sure nobody was looking, “i missed you.” and i did, i needed him a lot more than i wanted to admit. we had shoved this baggage so far down our own throats that i knew it was only a matter of time before it would rise up, and it was killing me.


    i then retreated back to my duffel bag, pointing at it and saying “i brought the good shit, so you better believe we’ll be having some fun. no fun police allowed, okay mick?” i said, slyly looking at him. i mean i understood why he was “the fun police,” he didn’t want to see any of us go to his old levels or do something insane, i got that, but he was too protective. truly, while the others had limits, i threw mine all out, i just didn’t care anymore, i was willing to do whatever whenever this summer. that may sound reckless, and it was, but when you’re already running yourself into the ground, i don’t think it’s something you pay attention to.


    i looked at leila and said quietly to her as mick and tate talked, “ya know it is summer and you look awfully cute, i see mick has been staring at you...why don’t you shoot your shot?” i asked, a smile playing on my lips. i enjoyed playing matchmaker, and leila deserved some happiness, and so did mick...like come on, the worst that can happen is it doesn’t work out. life is too short for those type of regrets.


    after that mickey started talking about driving situations and i started zoning out, which happened quite frequently. my head was never completely in one place. then i heard the word lunch and i snapped out of it. ugh, lunch. what’s the use.


    “why don’t we just skip lunch? it’ll save us more time!” i said to mickey, a real desperate attempt to get out of it. shit, i’d even drive if it came down to getting what i want and getting out of eating a full meal, and i hate driving. yeah obviously i have to eat something, sorry i unfortunately just can’t live off tic tacs and lettuce and worshipping some starvation angel; please note the sarcasm...but if we stop somewhere for lunch i already know mick will make me truly eat a full meal and not just a bagel or a banana with some carrots and yogurt and i was not down for that. not yet.


    mick just seemed to ignore me though, making me roll my eyes, and said “okay, we’ll go to that new cafe down the street.” thank you for my input! i know my issues got annoying and inconvenient but don’t you think if i knew how to stop, i would? I would, wouldn’t i....


    i heaved a sigh and begrudgingly started walking to the car, forcing a smile onto my face. come on, don’t ruin your mood just because of this.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    leila seemed quite enthusiastic after her mom dropped them off and i casually waved before picking up her bag and putting it into the trunk after she dropped it there.


    i laughed as tate talked of leila needing to be more polite, “you’re funny, tate, since when have these girls ever been anything less than exemplary citizens?” i asked jokingly, a smile on my face. “but yeah, if you want, thanks. everything else is by the door.” i told him, helping him get the last of our stuff. tate has always been a good friend, no matter how small the situation, he was always there.


    ella complimented leila on her outfit, one that seemed out of character for her, but i wasn’t complaining. hey, she did look hot, not even gonna lie, she pulled the outfit off well. maybe i should just go for it and tell her how i feel...eh, nah i’m not great with feelings and all that jazz. ok, it can’t hurt to say one thing. “hey leila, that dress thing or whatever you guys call it, uh, it looks good on you.” i said, trying to think of the word but also not embarrass myself too much just giving a simple compliment, that honestly implied more.


    as ella brought her attention to leila and they drew into their own conversation, i brought mine to tate. “so anything interesting in the last few days, catch any chicks?” i joked with him, raising an eyebrow in inquiry. obviously i knew he had a thing with ella, the history with that i had no clue about, but it was still fun to tease him, it’s what best friends do.


    ella announced she had some shit in her duffel bag, which i presumed was alcohol or drugs or both, as she wanted to make this a wild trip and then implied that i, the fun police, am not to intervene. oh, come on, i really wasn’t that much of a buzzkill. god forbid i don’t enjoy watching my sister do cocaine and get sloppy drunk at frat parties. but hey, this was supposed to be our unforgettable fun summer so i would let this one slide, making no comment to it.


    however, it was already about 12:30, and i assumed mostly everyone was pretty hungry, so i suggested we grab lunch before hitting the road, and ella, of course refused. well, sorry, i know how much she hated it but her opinion just wasn’t going to overrule this one, she would have to deal with it, and if i made the mistake by ignoring her protests then i’ll deal with the consequences later.


    “okay, the cafe it is then! everyone aboard!” i said, starting off to the drivers seat as we had already divided up driving plans. once everyone was situated and all our things were accounted for, i buckled up and headed for the cafe, turning the radio to an old rock station that easily had songs everyone could jam out to.


    // that is totally fine! & yikes, sorry lol this sucked more than i expected it to, i’ll probably find something interesting to throw in later for better posts lol i always am one for stirring the pot 😂

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    // time to be dramatic since im sick & i got nothing better to do 😂


    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    “come on, i know you both are nervous about it but something really good could come out of it!” i told leila, as she rather loudly expressed her anxieties, me trying to shush her a little bit.


    when she said that i could just eat my snack, trying to reassure, even offering to let me play matchmaker, i smiled. “yes! and don’t worry i won’t be painfully obvious. eee! this is gonna be so fun, you won’t regret it.” i said excitedly as i got in the car, forgetting my prior worries. i lived for this type of stuff and here was my chance.


    as mick drove and tate rode shotgun, leila rode in the back with me. i reached back to unzip my duffel bag, reaching around until i pulled out my ziploc of weed, a glittery pink lighter, and some blunt papers.


    “ella...can you please not do that in the car?” mick asked, probably already catching a whiff of the smell.


    “you have tinted windows, mick, it’s fine. just don’t roll them down.” i said, shrugging. shit, it was legal in the state anyway, it’s not a big deal.


    i took a nug out of the bag and pulled it apart, grinding it up and shuffling it into a straight line on my blunt paper before rolling it up and sealing it, satisfied with my work. i brought the blunt to my lips, flicking my lighter and bringing a flame to the other end before inhaling, exhaling, and then coughing. what can i say? i was the biggest lightweight of the group in all areas.


    “anyone want a hit?” i offered, still smoking.


    by the time we reached the cafe i had smoked a good amount for my tolerance, which truly and surprisingly wasn’t that high compared to the average stoner.


    once we pulled into the parking lot, i turned to leila, “fuck, are my eyes red?” i asked, but i was sure of the answer, they were probably bloodshot.


    i smiled and grabbed my phone, leaving my lighter in the cup holder and getting out of the car, nearly forgetting we were at a cafe.


    as we entered the cafe, a hostess greeted us and grabbed our menus, leading us to our table. i was giving the place a weird stare, trying to remember why we were here.


    there was bread already set out on the table and somehow my brain did not connect two and two together and i picked up a piece, mindlessly beginning to eat it, not even seeming to register my eyes reading over the menu or chewing and swallowing until it clicked and i quickly spit my bread out into my napkin. “fuck!” i said softly. bread was empty carbs and empty calories, too many at that for one damn slice.


    “ella?” mick said, snapping his fingers in front of my face. “you good? what are you getting?” he asked.


    i looked at him as though he were foreign, “you expect me to get a legit meal after my dumb ass just unnoticeably ate a piece of bread, why didn’t you say something? i’ll get a banana and a green tea or something.” i said, crossing my arms.


    “eleanor—“ ooo he did not just use my full name. “it’s just a piece of bread...it’s not a big deal, a banana is not lunch, you need sustenance. when was the last time you actually ate dinner or lunch that wasn’t a salad or a little bit of fruit or a granola bar?” mick asked.


    “i don’t know like four days.” i said, shrugging. god, get off my case, this was embarrassing. he was the only one that had to make this a fight. leila and tate understood and knew to give me space, why couldn’t he?


    he was about to speak but our waitress came over and asked for our orders so he shut his mouth, ordering his typical lemonade and a blt with a side salad and fries.


    “just a green tea for me please.” i said, brushing off mick’s glare and giving him a sly look. he shouldn’t test me, i knew the game. only, this wasn’t some game.


    once our waitress collected our orders she left and mick wasted no time to make his point. “four days, ella? are you crazy?! what happened? you were doing so well, i just don’t get it, you’re gonna kill yourself. i know things haven’t always been easy for you, but you have to stop.” he said rather bluntly.


    i was silent for a moment feeling myself explode on the inside, getting ready to make a bold move on the outside too. “what happened? nothing fucking happened, mickey. i was anorexic three years ago and i still am now. i’m still alive so who cares.”


    “bullshit, eleanor. you’re worse. like almost as bad as it was after the whole cameron thing. so what happened? because clearly he’s not out of jail and back beating you so what is it?” he pressed, unrelenting.


    really? right here, right now. fine. what was the use anymore, it had been eating away at me, maybe i would feel better if i just let it out...maybe i wouldn’t, it wouldn’t make anything change. however, it all just seemed to pour out then and there.


    “fine, you wanna know what happened you insensitive shit? tate and i have been fucking for a long time now and i think i wanna be something more but that’s besides the point. when you have a lot of sex sometimes you have accidents. well, he got me pregnant and i had a miscarriage because of course my body fails at the one thing it’s supposed to do right, but it’s not like it mattered anyway. so there, are you happy now?” i said, biting back tears, getting a $20 and a $5 out of my pocket to cover lunch and leaving it on the table.


    “you’re welcome. and mickey, i’m not fucking sick. if i knew how to stop, i would.” i said, before getting out of my chair and walking out and back to the car, practically shaking.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    “okay, i wouldn’t say oblivious...” i said to tate, rolling my eyes. “maybe just not knowing how to go about it.” i shrugged, i mean i wasn’t a relationship type person, so admitting i wanted one with her was tough enough, and then actually having to go act on that feeling, that was a whole other obstacle.


    i could hear leila loud and clear, her confession almost like music to my ears. well, obviously i was somewhat aware, but for her to actually confirm it out loud made me smirk. tate said to act like i didn’t hear anything as to not embarrass her further and i nodded, “yeah last thing i wanna do is make her cry,” i said before grabbing my keys and heading for the car, cracking a small smile and laugh at tate’s middle school your mom joke. ah, what cringier but simpler times.


    i was quietly driving, flipping through the stations we could potentially all agree on when i smelt ella’s weed and rolled my eyes. c’mon, could she really not wait until we at least got out of the county? oh well. i just didn’t like that shit out in the open in my car, yeah it might be legal, but it wouldn’t be a good look if we happened to get pulled over and i was suspected of being under the influence. already been there, done that. it’s not that thrilling. and neither is the ticket.


    i asked her to not do that in the car and of course in typical fashion she said no, saying my windows were tinted and it was fine. okay whatever, i guess that was true.


    as the smoking went on it was so very clear just how much of a lightweight ella was, she got drunk fast and she got high fast, didn’t matter how much or how little or how many times she’s done something, her tolerance is crap. maybe this will be good and she’ll forget how much she’s dreading lunch. this could be good!


    once we approached the quaint cafe, i found an easy parking spot and ella asked if her eyes were red, and i just laughed, nodding my head. of course they were.


    we entered the restaurant and the young hostess led us to our seats, politely asking if we were up for any drink specials etc, i just shook my head and said thank you and sat down.


    almost immediately ella started eating the bread that was on the table and i just looked at her, but didn’t say anything, not wanting to spoil what could be a win.


    however she soon came to her senses, spitting the bread out and cursing under her breath. i was trying to tell her it wasn’t a big deal, because truly it wasn’t, but i know it was in her world. i asked her what she was getting, albeit a stupid question, but i was hoping for luck.


    she laughed and gave it to me straight, and that’s when i started getting uneasy and maybe a bit mad too, but i didn’t have a chance to speak yet as our waitress collected all of our orders—no matter how small—and then left.


    that’s when i took my chance to lay it in to her, and she was not happy, but i needed to know because this wasn’t just tearing away at her, but us too. maybe i should’ve gone about it in a better way but it was too late to regret that now.


    then everything just kind of went off from there, and i was left sitting there, stunned, staring from ella walking away to tate, putting all the pieces together. “what the fuck.” i whispered, not exactly knowing how to react. how could they not tell anyone? or did they? shit, what the hell else don’t i know? our waitress gave us our food but all i could do was just blankly sit there, as if i was waiting for someone to say or do anything.


    // lol mickeys kind of sucks sorry!!

  • if you only knew - adv. pafp

    (there will probably be a lot more drama where that came from later 😂 & sorry if this is a lil shorter than usual, i wanna leave you room for more drawn out stuff and choices and shit)


    eleanor rosaline mercier

    •••

    i turned around as tate called my name, blue eyes staring up at him as the tears welled up. my emotions were racing and i could feel my heart beating so fast in my chest. we should’ve told them, but at the same time this was such a personal thing, did we truly owe it to them to say something? maybe it wouldn’t have ate away at me if i had, if i had just confided in leila, or hell, even mickey after i took the test or after all the bleeding and crying 2 months in. it would’ve felt a lot less lonely, i bet. yeah, i had tate and he was there for me but he was so shut off about it afterwards i never wanted to bring it up to him.


    he picked me up, setting me in his seat, my lip quivering as i was trying not to cry,, “i am so sorry....i know we were supposed to keep it a secret...i-i just couldn’t anymore, everything is just building up and i....i don’t know...” i said quietly and he told me to look at him and i did so, listening as he spoke, burying my face further into his chest as if i’d find safety there, the tears beginning to flow freely. he was right, but this was such a heavy burden to carry for me amongst other things. i knew we weren’t ready, i definitely was not in the right mindset, shit, i didn’t even like kids. but just the thought of something that was a little piece of us...well, it made me want that. that little white picket fence fairytale i had tried to break free from was starting to sound appealing, at least maybe in a couple years. however...this was my fault, the losing part, i mean, i could’ve prevented that, it was obvious and the guilt was creeping in.


    “i know you’re right, but you’re also wrong, of course it’s my fault, if i could just learn to control this and not let it control me it wouldn’t have happened, if i just stopped fucking starving myself, but it’s never been that easy, it seems nothing ever is anymore....and i wish i felt like i could’ve talked to you more after it happened.....i know i probably could have.....and i know that the way it happened was probably for the best, but dammit, it still hurt...i wanted to be able to have that choice, wanted to know my body didn’t fail at the one thing it’s supposed to do right....i mean it’s my fault....but i just, i felt so alone about it and everything that’s happened to me and i don’t know how to get better and i don’t know if i even want to but fuck i’m so scared, i’m so scared i don’t wanna die, i don’t—“ i said all in a flurry, trying to control my breathing between shackled sobs. let’s be honest if i kept going on like this my disorder would kill me, but i was so afraid of death but i was also so afraid of food, it was a double edged sword really. i just couldn’t calm down at this point, as the realization set in that i didn’t know how to get better and the blame on myself of causing my miscarriage in the first place, it was all too much but i just needed to breathe. just fucking breathe.


    eventually most of the tears had subsided and i gently rubbed under my eyes to wipe away any runny mascara, looking at leila and mickey who were standing outside now, wondering how long they were there to witness another one of my mini breakdowns. sure, getting your emotions out was a healthy thing from time to time but wow did this seem like a daily activity for me.


    mickey spoke up to both tate and i and i stared back at him, a small sad but hopeful smile on my lips.


    “i’m so sorry....i know something should’ve been said....it’s just where the fuck was i going to begin with something like that? i’ve already burdened you enough with all my shit in the last couple of years, i didn’t feel the need to add anymore...” i said, sighing softly.


    mickey rafael kingston

    •••

    “holy shit...how did we never know?” i asked leila, staring at her, it wasn’t a direct question really, but a pondering. you would think with her living with me and hanging out with tate all the time i would’ve at least noticed something, but nope, always so good at concealing her emotions, same with tate too, they never let out a word.


    “everything always manages to get so fucked up....so much shit, and pain, and secrets and more shit and we never even know, i just don’t get it.” i whispered, i mean i really didn’t comprehend it. i was an open book, i didn’t understand the reason for secrets, everyone just gets hurt in the end and everything gets all messy.


    i noticed leila move closer to me but she didn’t speak, until she did, making my snap my attention to her, a little bit surprised.


    “hey..and i mean come on, it is partially her fault, i know she can’t help it but you get what i mean...you and tate give her too many passes.” i said, being honest. if she wasn’t anorexic she would’ve been fine. they let her have her way with that too much. sure, i shouldn’t have pushed her like that earlier, but they never pushed enough.


    “i hope it does her some good...i hope it does us all some good.” i told her, and i meant it. we all needed a little break to just connect with each other, maybe have some moments of self discovery and just relax and let loose a little, even me, the fun police.


    i looked back to leila and frowned as i saw she had tears forming, “are you okay?...it’s okay if you got some anxiety about it, shit i do too, if you need to let it out, feel free. it’s good to cry sometimes.” i said, putting a hand on her shoulder and giving her a small smile.


    i liked her, that was clear, and i wanted to say something but now was obviously not the right time to make a move. i knew eventually i would have to say something, because i don’t think she would first, i just didn’t know how to begin...i wasn’t good at approaching non hookup situations in all truthfulness, but i was willing to try.


    i looked around the cafe and out the window and decided we might as well go diffuse the bomb now.


    “let’s bring our food and try to maybe get some answers...” i said to leila, sighing, asking our waitress for to go boxes for our food.


    once she brought them i packed up all our stuff and made sure the money ella left was correct and walked out with leila, awaiting to see what scene would lay before me.


    as we stepped outside, i caught sight of ella crying, she seemed like a category 4 hurricane that needed to be brought down to a 1. i couldn’t tell what they had been talking about, obviously my guess was good but i wasn’t going to pry just yet.


    ella then began to regain her composure just a little and looked to leila and i, apologizing, and defending her judgement a bit. okay, i understood why she thought that, but still, i was her brother and leila was her best friend, i wanted her to always feel like she can talk to us.


    “i know, el....that can’t be an easy thing to face, and you shouldn’t have had to face it without us....you know we would always be here to support you and help you, no matter how crazy or twisted or helpless shit can get....i’m your brother and leila is your best friend, and tate, i’m practically your brother and leila’s your sister...you know that didn’t need to stay such a secret, that’s a serious thing to happen and you guys shouldn’t have had to deal with that by yourselves...or everything that lingered afterwards.” i said, maybe a little nervously, i didn’t do these difficult heart to heart things very well or often, i think that’s more of a sunshine like personality and wise empathetic best friend type of thing to do, but here i was.