★ CHASTIEFOL BELLION - i'm better sleeping on my own
The sound of the ocean lapping hungrily at the sandy shore of Sunclan’s tropical territory was the most prominent thing to him. It was the thing that woke him up from his apparent hazy slumber. Glazed eyes blinked slowly, pale gaze barely clearing as the youth attempted to comprehend what he was doing as he levitated there, peering out with near lifeless eyes at the horizon from his place a safe distance from the edge of the cliff that he had been approaching. He was not sure why he was there. His world had blurred for more than ten minutes and he had no idea what he was doing. Where was he, again? Chastiefol found that he had hovered closer to the precarious edge of the cliffs that he had approached. The lines between the reality around him and the fantasy clouding his exhausted mind were so hazy now that he was not sure whether he was actually imagining what was happening to him or not. The near constant searing pain that he felt within his broken leg had numbed into a dull, throb and it was as if he could not feel what was happening at all anymore. What was he doing again?
He could jump. What was there in the mortal realm for him anyway? Nothing, as far as he was concerned and he was almost completely certain that no one cared enough about him to really mourn if he was to pass on, be his death a self inflicted one or something more of natural causes. Elaine was dead. All of those other fairies that had lived alongside him within the forest realm that he had ruled over were dead too. They had all died due to his negligence and incapability as a leader. What had they expected to happen though? He had still been young yet forced into a role that he personally had not felt ready for. It was not his fault, it was all their fault. So, why did he blame himself so heavily? It was the same with Blueridge, Kunta and Strawberrysugar. He had loved all three of them with his entire heart however, he had started to let his guard down and look at what had happened to them. Yet another group of beloved family to him who had all been lost because he was unable to pay attention to what was happening around him. His previously laidback, lazy attitude had not gotten him in trouble. Instead, it had mean that he was basically the cause of the deaths of everyone whom he had ever loved before.
He could probably jump. Dark waters swished to and fro far beneath his paws. Sea foam sang for him to become one with them and he was so tempted. So very fucking tempted. Elaine would be disappointed though. At least, she would have been disappointed in him if she was still alive. He felt his body physically shaking as the thoughts hummed around within his mind as if someone had aggressively shaken up hornet hive before forcefully inserting it into the center of his brain. Images flashed up within his mind. A frail russian blue feline on the more unhealthy side of skinny stood, one hind leg jutting out from his side at a sickening angle. The same small feline stepping out into the wide world, agonised grin plastered in a sadistically bright way across their lips as their body tilted forwards and fell. Plummeted towards the jagged rocks and churning sapphire waves that threatened to swallow them whole.
He couldn’t jump. Chastiefol felt every single muscle within his feline form constrict sharply as soon as he realised what he was doing. There was no way that he could do what he was about to do, it was too much of a risk when he still had things to live for. He could feel his body panic for a few moments as his mind went blank, slender form clashing with the hard earth underneath him. That was more than enough to wake him up, pain instantly engulfing him as his leg, swiftly taking over his entire corporeal form.
Inhale.
He drew in a long, shaky breath. The salty tang of the ocean stained air flooded into frail lungs as he allowed the tainted oxygen to fill his body through parted lips. He knew that things had gone wrong and although he had tried his very best to think otherwise prior to that moment in time, there was no way in any realm at all that he would now be able to convince himself otherwise. It had been easy to at the very least pretend that things were alright when he had first joined Sunclan because he had arrived with some very strict, set expectation on how he was going to conduct himself in the group. He intended on just joining for a place of shelter, food, water and a little bit of scattered companionship where he would converse with others when he felt like he needed to have a bit of a talk with someone who was not the mirror or empty air.
However, that was not what had happened and he found that life was a lot different to those expectations. He had grown relatively close to a few individuals. Theo being one of them and he could not deny that he missed the energy that the canine let off every time he approached a scene. It was almost always enough to bring a tender little grin to his lips. He had not seen the excitable samoyed for quite some time however and although he did not wish to think that something bad could have occurred to him, the fact that all of the negativity of the recent events in his life were still very prominent within his mind, such ideas were not things that he could now so easily rule out of scenarios. Another example of such a creature that he found himself drawn to in Sunclan had to be Hoseok. He quite liked the leader. No. He had quite like the former leader. They had never been particularly close to each other however, he had always found that he held an unspoken sense of admiration towards the vulpine male but what good did that do? He had left words on the tip of his tongue for so long now and there was no chance for them to be spoken to the one whom he wished to hear such words.
He would just be forced to converse with empty air. Again.
There were very few members left in Sunclan and he knew better than to care about such a thing yet he could not deny the fact that whenever he found himself contemplating the potential negative fate of the place that he resided in, he found his heart clenching in a deadly mixture of fear and sorrow. He tried so hard to pretend that he had no positive emotions to the clan and its members but that was far from the case and, especially after Hoseok’s death, he found it hard to actually continue with a lie that he knew was false. It did not help that he had been blessed with responsibility despite the fact that he was just a blatant hinderance to the group. Never before had he been able to so confidently doubt the judgement passed by a leader. At least, never before that moment. And, although Chastiefol did not have the heart to bluntly state that he was not of use to them and had never actually intended on staying for as long as he actually had, he still found himself believing in such a thing. Suga would most likely not be happy to hear such things however and the last thing that he wanted to be was a complete and utter burden, especially when the leader had the stress of leadership and children heavy on his shoulders.
”Fuck me” he breathed out, shoulders hunched up as he slowly pushed himself away from the edge of the hell that he had been about to willingly invite into his world, every single, individual strand of fur on end as he did so. He could feel the soft rays of moonlight enveloping him in a tender embrace, the charcoal skies high above him beaming down with miniature lights. Who gave the world the right to be so happy when life was everything but that?
What a wonderful day to doubt life.
