[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=#2e2e2e; border: none; width: 350px; height: 15px; padding: 0px; font-family: verdana; color: #e6e6e6; font-size: 10px; line-height: 14px; text-align: center; border-radius: 5px 5px 0px 0px]template by[color=#6e6e6e] #punki-chan[/fancypost][fancypost bgcolor=#2e2e2e; border: none; border-top: 2px solid #e6e6e6; width: 350px; min-height: 200px; padding: 0px][fancypost bgcolor=#1c1c1c; border: 2px solid #e6e6e6; border-top: none; border-bottom: none; width: 296px; min-height: 180px; padding: 10px; font-family: verdana; color: #bdbdbd; font-size: 10px; line-height: 12px; text-align: justify; text-transform: lowercase][fancypost bgcolor=#151515; border: none; border-bottom: 2px solid #e6e6e6; width: 316px; height: 40px; padding: 0px; font-family: baskerville old face; color: #e6e6e6; font-size: 15px; line-height: 25px; text-align: center; text-transform: lowercase; letter-spacing: -1px; text-shadow: 0px 0px 2px white; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: -10px; margin-left: -10px]it is the sanity of life that makes us mad[fancypost bgcolor=; border: none; width: inherit; height: 10px; padding: 0px; font-family: verdana; font-size: 10px; line-height: 10px; letter-spacing: 1px; text-shadow: none; margin-top: -2px]( [abbr=silentkit vians-disharmony, 4 moons, mute, deaf, exile]general[/abbr] ) ( [abbr=grey tabby with white splotches, wears green beanie, sometimes carries satchel]body[/abbr] ) ( [abbr=attack in lightblue, mentally medium {depends on mental attack}, physically very easy, the sight]battle[/abbr] ) ( [abbr=son of leonidas and uglyclown, pm for capture, pm for torture, no kill]other[/abbr] )[/fancypost][/fancypost]★ It broke him. The kitten had been trying to search for his papa. He was paranoid. He didn't know why Papa Clownie had vanished...now Leonidas was his only father left, and he couldn't stand the idea of losing both of his papas. He was running through the territory, avoiding the tears which tried to threaten. He didn't want to show signs of weakness, feeling his heart thud within him. Where was papa? Don't leave me too papa, his thoughts painfully wavered. And it was at that moment he felt himself shatter, trembling as he dropped to his paws and watched his father cry. He felt the shock, as if his vocal cords were trying to wail out but he weakly stood there, in pain.
papa's crying. He couldn't do a thing. He wished he could speak, a deep tug in his heart as he watched, failing to do a thing at all. Life...hurt so much. Why was he in so much pain? Why did everything hurt? He sniffled, his face scrunching up as if he was about to sob too. i-is papa clownie not going to come back too?
He felt broken, sitting meters away from his father as he stared with wide eyes at the ground. Shaking, trembling, broken, dead. He was breathing heavily, unable to do a single thing. He'd never seen his papa cry, and it was killing him. He felt his soul slowly disintegrate as though he was burning. How was he supposed to feel? How was he supposed to react? What was he supposed to do? Is this grief? This is grief.
He slammed his head down to the ground, head over his paws as his body shook as though the kitten was crying inaudible tears. A world of silence. He couldn't comfort anyone or anything, his company was almost non-existent. He was always there...but never there. Something seemed to suddenly enter his mind - a cold dark truth. That meant everyone who had died around him...their deaths were all nothing to him. He was such a terrible being. He couldn't hear, he didn't know what went on around him. So when others mourned over deaths, he would innocently smile.
Silentkit's new found emotion - hate. he hated himself. Why did he have to be born deaf? Was it a curse of his existence? Was he never supposed to live? His reality seemed to fade into a world of black and white, a nightmare he wanted to escape. There was darkness - everywhere. He thought he could escape it but he really couldn't, Silentkit biting his paws as hard as possible, trying to ease himself of the emotion hurt he had. he snapped at his own flesh, paw still trembling at both the blood and emotional struggle and challenge. Pain - this was true pain. Both physical and emotional.
The kitten slowly fell to the ground completely, lime eyes still wide open in terror as he stared at the floor beneath him. A sad reality, a-a sad reality. J-Just smile Silentkit, j-j-just s-smile. He tried to force it, trying to force a smile but his face constantly morphed and faded into one of despair. Don't cry...don't cry..don't cry. He refused to cry, refused so hard. Biting down on his paw harder and harder to avoid it. He didn't want to cry and sob, shaking tremendously.
His feelings were bottling, piling higher and higher. He was holding it in, holding it in as strong as possible. He was going to stay strong right? He couldn't risk anyone worrying for him, right? But he was in pain, he was lying to himself over and over again. His lies were weak, his inability to hold his pain was weak. He was weak, weak all over. There was nothing wrong with him. He was filled with innocence, but his actions were all guilty. He constantly, over and over again, brought himself to trouble only to be saved by his clanmates.
I could end up killing my whole family, his mind suddenly stated, N-No, no please no. Everything he did. His curiosity, his brimming smiles and innocent little stares. He was endangering everyone around him. His mind flashed violently, visions and images all distorted and stabbing his emotions inside of him which riled up like crazy. All his friends and family, dead. All because of him. He...he never meant to. He was a danger to his family, his curiosity. he was prone to genuine ignorance, accidental mischief and causing others to worry. He guilt tripped others by stating he was deaf. D-Don't worry...e-everyone hates silentkit. E-everyone hates s-silentkit s-so much.
He could never help anyone. All he ever did was walk around unnoticed, taking photos and giving small smiles. He couldn't comfort his papa, no one loved him. His world swirling around in sickening distaste. He was ashamed. He didn't know how to approach Leonidas, unable to even bring himself to face anyone. Uglyclown was gone, he'd finally accepted it. And his papa was crying. And as useless as he was, Silentkit couldn't do a thing. He wanted...to comfort his papa...but how was he supposed to? Deaf and mute. They had to be ashamed of him as a child. They must have hated him. He was the runt of the litter, right?
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