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What had she even become?
Lucy's mind was stuck in the past. her childhood memories. usually foggy and unclear, were returning to her with full force. Everything was hitting her so hard lately that it was almost impossible not to take up her former alcoholism, which she'd been clean from for almost seven months now. Why was her childhood so hard to think about? Had it really been that bad?
Right then, it was the memory of Vertigo's death that was returning to her. Vertigo had been like a brother to her; the first raid she'd ever been on, he protected her and they had kicked some serious ass, especially considering he'd been a giant hydra and she'd been an undersized two month old kitten. And gods, the flash grenade attack they used to use together with her old shifting pelt; the nostalgia was almost palpable. She had grown close to him as a child and he had died, leaving her feeling empty and alone. It was the first death of significance in her life and one that had shaped her future in ways she had no way of knowing.
When the body of her friend had been discovered, her uncle Perevesti had been completely insensitive. Her other uncle, Casmir, had even defended him. That was the beginning of her hatred for the two family members, one that still lasted to the most current point in her life. Although she tried to be civil to avoid exile, there was no end to her vehemence when concerning the pair. That day was also the official day she and Blackjack had gotten together. After he had defended her against her uncles, they had gone off on their own, both utterly furious. Back then she'd even had her white serval body, the same one she used for her formerly-signature kills. As a child she tended to enjoy the color of blood against the bright white, but after a while, her paws were stained a permanent brown that couldn't be washed out. She still had the body around, actually. For nostalgia's sake.
That had been the night Lucy's first child had been conceived; Littlekit, Cagedpaw, whatever it was her child decided to go by. Although her daughter hated her after Blackjack's first death by her own paws, she never stopped loving her even up to the moment of her death. Oh christ, she missed her baby. Of course she hadn't been the best mother; being busy all the time and having constant relationship problems with her ex-husband, it was nearly impossible to be the type of mother she'd wanted to be.
Blackjack's first death. That was the next memory to come flooding in, causing the cougress physical pain. She took a step back and a gasp escaped her throat, eyes stretched wide. A tree had fallen on Black, and after that, a cougar had mauled him. He begged her for a mercy kill, and she had followed through. After that, when he came back, he had hit her after hallucinating; it hadn't been his fault, but Lucy didn't know how to deal with the situation in the slightest. Obviously, the feline had been angry. Angry enough to say things she regretted, to the point her and Blackjack had broken up. He had gone off somewhere and gotten shot in the head; on the ground was the note saying it was her fault. That was what had caused her first death; suicide. Back then she hadn't the mental capacity to deal with any amount of pain. However, she'd come back; it wasn't long before she was forced back into the mortal world. Death didn't ever seem to suit her.
After that, her and Black ended up back together, eventually with more kids. Logan and Mayday were the only two to survive; both were loved, but parenting was not Lucy's strong suit. Mayday became a mass rapist and tried to attack Lucy herself; her own daughter attempted a sexual assault on her. Logan was a wonderful child; she loved flowers and tended to be a pacifist. The former leader usually hated pacifists, but in her daughter, it was just all the more endearing.
Despite everything, Lucy could never see the wrong in her children. Her love for them was unconditional.
Blackjack and Lucy's relationship didn't last long after their marriage. After days of no sleep, her husband ate Logan alive in front of her, tossing the rest of the remains at his shocked wife. That had been the end of their relationship and friendship; she couldn't even bear to speak his name without feeling sick after that. He'd taken her precious daughter away, and that was unforgivable.
After everything with Blackjack, she'd gotten into another relationship. That had been with Ichigo of course; she loved him more than she thought possible for anyone. After everything, he'd always been there, even when she went half-insane during her reign of her home. During her pregnancy with their first litter, Blackjack had poisoned her, causing her to become sick and every cub in her womb to die. Ichigo had of course been furious; those were his first children. She knew it hurt him more than he'd let on. The following littler had better success; all five cubs were born healthy, but after not too long, only two remained. It killed her to know she was helpless in protecting the ones she loved above all else.
Gods, she used to care so much about family. Where then, were her siblings? Her parents? Her children? It had been a long time since Ichigo's death and Belial's ultimate leaving; she'd been alone for some time. There was nobody left to even care about, other than Finn. And half the time, she refused to even consider them family.
What about Chemical? Her original adopted father? The clan used to be absolutely overflowing with Warfares; where had they all gone? Where were her family? Where were her friends? Was everyone from her past just. . . gone? The albino cougress was not aware, but tears were leaking from her eyes. How had she gotten so far from who she used to be?
With a familiar tingling sensation, the former leader's body began to shrink. Black ram horns receded into her skull and her white fur became brown and striped. Previously pink eyes faded to a pale amber, and one scar appeared on her face, curling the left side of her maw into a perpetual grin. She'd subconsciously reverted to the body of her birth, one very few were left to recognize. Shaking, the small domestic padded over to the water to look at her reflection. She remained locked in place, staring at her own face. She hadn't reverted to this form in ears. So, why now? What had triggered all of this?
Of course, it was the placement. The pond. She was standing next to the place all of her childhood memories were stored. This was the place of her life. This place. . . it held too many memories. There was too much here for her to know how to handle. Only one solution could come to mind.
Inhaling a shaky breath, Lucy conjured a single bottle next to her paw. It was the cheap whiskey her and Annie used to drink together in that very place; it was the place she used to ride around on her best friend's back in the pond, the place Blackjack had made their relationship official, and the place she'd died.
Uncapping the bottle, Lucy took a single swig. She couldn't do this anymore.
//wHEW ok so apologies for the overall choppiness, i promise im better than this / sobs
besides it's almost 6 am (5:44) and i have yet to sleep, currently running on monster
i was feeling super emotional and felt a mighty need so i wrote this!! and will fuckin edit it later so i dont hate myself
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