[fancypost bgcolor=; border: 3px black double; height: 80px; width: 416px; background: url(http://i.imgur.com/LUd2cll.jpg) center; background-size: cover; background-size: 105%][/fancypost][fancypost borderwidth=0px; margin-top: -58px; text-align: center; font-family: georgia; font-size: 25px; letter-spacing: -2px; text-shadow: 0px 2px 5px black; color: white]( i need you, i need you, i... i want you. )[/fancypost][fancypost borderwidth=0; width: 450px; margin-top: 30px; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 115%]
THEME: 15; SEEKING SOLACE ★ WORD COUNT: 4,024 ★ WARNING: x
[fancypost borderwidth=0; background: linear-gradient(to right,#000,#b891e4,white); height: 2.5px; width: 450px; margin-top: 5px; padding: 0][/fancypost]The deep brown of Caleb's eyes ( they were like sweet chocolate, the kind that would melt by the slightest heat of love and happiness, but could grow hard by the cold, harsh reality that was apparent in this world ) were revealed if seen carefully enough through the dark in a sudden motion of them being wide open. The first instinct he does when he opened his eyes was to pull himself into a sitting position with aggression ( trying to snap the strings that was seeking attempt to drag him back to his misery slumber behind him ), harsh gasps were made under the unpleasant line of his galactic, shaky breath, cold, and filled with dying stars ( but have you ever watched a star die? It was the most horrible and immense event — ).
Somehow the young man was able to ignore the aching muscles, even every bits of his body, that were screaming at him and his wild gaze flickered from one spot to another in a frantic manner, as his body were shaking violently even if he was underneath the comforting sheet of blanket up to his upper body part ( — when the universe were trembling and contracting, and space would scream and plead for mercy to not have their light be taken away — ). There was something else he would wish to focus on to though before he reached his hands forward to get something over from the drawer beside him. It only took him several seconds until he found what he needed, or rather wanted, and what was being held on to tightly was a manual nightlight.
He immediately turned it on before he pulled it over to his chest, feeling his own chest rapidly rising and falling, and then risen up once again, as he was breathing heavily. His mind was racing in thoughts he wasn't able catch, while it was passing by him, to know what was really going on in his head. Even through the fog, created in distress, that was remaining inside his head were, his mind was able to register his surrounding as his room. He was at home... He was at home. He silently told himself that it was all just a dream, despite for some reason, he couldn't remember what it was about ( but he didn't ever wish to know anyway if it would wake him up before leading him to distress ). But he almost believed himself.
Almost.
Caleb slowly closed his brown eyes, allowing the light coming from the object in his shaky hands, produced by the battery inside, to embrace him in welcome from his dreadful sleep. Unfortunately though, he couldn't seek the comfort out of it as long as he needed and also wanted when a small, weak cry followed behind the sounds that would first slip off from his lips since his awaken, the desperate gasps and breathings that made the effort a burdensome, when the movements he was making hastily would eventually trigger the pain that's located in his right arm ( — the era of grace and warmth would be no more once the announcement behind a tortured wail was made — ). Dropping his nightlight to his legs, he then swiftly moved his left hand over to the growing discomfort inside of his arm and gave it a small squeeze, as if it would go away, just like that.
The problem was, it didn't.
He gritted his teeth tightly at how the air was starting to become more overwhelming and painful for him to breath into, unaware of the fact that his breathing pace were turning shaper each breath he would inhale, before a soft whimper escaped from his trembling body ( inhale the oncoming winter storm, exhale the stark lines of ice, but this raging pain inside of him was an embodiment of a fire that can't be taken out ). The feeling he had within the side of his heavy head were screaming "UNWELCOME," when he woke up. It wasn't a surprise to him though, not anymore when it was always there every time he would close his blue eyes and send himself into sleep before he would end up waking up in a sheet of distress ( truly a mess to be in, the sheet was thin, but the distress made it an opposite ), as he have been getting vivid nightmares frequently, and it has been like this since the beginning of this year. The feeling he was forced to carry, it was a reminder, stained in angry blood red, that he was still alive, and forever.
The galactic God released a pained moan when he could sense a spasm occurring inside his arm and giving himself an assent to lean the back of his head against the wall, hearing a small thud behind him as to tell him how hard he did it without realizing, but Caleb gave bare to no care over it and only paid his full attention on to adjusting himself around the pain that was possessing him for a brief moment; he figured it wouldn't go away for a while now. As he tried to take full control over his erratic breathing pace ( yet it wasn't helping with his heart roaring in his ears while it was drumming at a wild pace, sending a unpleasant line of disturbance to his monster of fright before its awoken ) he started to remember of the fact that he was living with his boyfriend, Lirim, and deeply frowned, ignoring the extra aching that was climbing over his consciousness, but the second was formed inside of his jaw due to how long his teeth were clenched against each other.
He never really told them about how whenever he would sleep, somehow be able to, he would always end up getting a nightmare, and he couldn't remember the last time he ever had a wonderful dream, while he was under the stars that glittered bliss and the gentle breezes sing him to sleep behind their magic of life instead, or just in a peaceful state. To cover that problem though, one day, when he was asked by them on why they have never seen him sleeping, he only replied to them to avoid the troubles he had in his sleeves that it was simply himself having mild ADHD and insomnia as the reasons he couldn't, or really, doesn't want to, fall asleep. But of course, Lirim being his goddamn dad rather than a boyfriend, forced him to get the medicines from his doctor for him to sleep easily afterwards. So they were the reason how he was asleep in the first place, rather forced since just him being given annoyed looks ( how they eventually slowly melted in heated concern though ) and disappointed comments from them wouldn't lead both of them to anywhere but the increase of annoyance between the duo at other each.
It wasn't their fault though. Never.
It was all his, everything he does were a mark of a flaw.
( Gather all of the flaws and failures he had inside both of his mortal body and divine soul, it would be a display of brokeness, and if brokness were an art, if there was in no doubt behind the statement that it would make his into a masterpiece. )
Caleb then blinked his eyes several times, finally noticing at how he was crying yet through silence ( but in the near depth of death ) when he could feel his tears touching his hands ( he flinched though when a faint cry was made as it hit against his flesh like a fallen meteor from their celestial home, gone, only what was remained behind was the ashes of memories, just like that tingling sensation he now had on his hand where his tears landed; he will never forget this moment ). He shifted his soft gaze across the room he was in, and having to remind himself constantly that the nightmare was all over and he was back home ( even if he still doesn't fully believe himself )... He was still alive...
Alive... alive.... alive.....
.....His mind was slowly beginning to be consumed by a memory of what seemed to happen during his sleep, and even if he tried to shove them away, it would only encourage it to go faster and the half American and Irishman choked a sob, several more gasps were made by his pained arm, and he shook his head through a violent motion, making his tear that was still running down on his cheeks more quickly. "No, no, no, fuckin' stop it! Le... leave me alone... P-please, 'm beggin' you..." he weakly pleaded at himself. His hand was over to his head and gripped on to his hair, but no matter how tight he pull them, they were still playing the memory in his mind, and Caleb nearly shrieked, only to stop himself by furiously bitting his tongue and jerked slightly with another pathetic cry from the bite causing his arm to get worse. It was worse to know that he didn't want Lirim to see his real struggle with his sleep, so he couldn't call out for help and that made him all alone in the dark, frightened and distressed.
As the darkness were still covering his entire visions, Caleb was starting to hear their voices once again, faint even, also his voice, especially, and while, there was little light from his nightlight, he swore his visions were about to be taken over by the complete darkness. His chest was tightened, enveloping in a Saturn ring, made in icy fear and small, but dangerous, solid particles of fear ( — and all that has been left behind were now frozen and sacrificed to the dark, with a whisper of terror and no goodbyes were made beforehand ), then he couldn't see anything but the pitch black in the end. He doesn't even see his light anymore.
"IT IS ALL OF YOUR FAULT," Came a scream echoing across his mind, molten with toxic coating in their voice by rage, coming from a man who he knew well, his alter ego, Dark. He didn't care about his pained arm anymore to the point of having to pull his other hand beside the other and squeezed his head, shouting at the speaker in a harsh tone, almost coughing violently at the end from the strength he was pouring against his vocal.
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT TH'FUCK UP!"
Caleb could even hear his own voice roaring through his ears, ringing madly. Due to his mind being feeling tightened by the voices, a headache were forming and the corner of his lips were curled up maliciously to bare his wolf teeth, aligned with angry stars and planets that was about to clash against each other.
Dark didn't go away though, despite the attempted effort to get rid of his voice — him. "THEY HATE YOU BECAUSE OF YOU." They hated him, he said, his enraged tone was now being washed over with iron needles in sharpened, mocking points. They hated them... They... they.... they, they, they — his best friends, Mercury and Discord. The images of them flashed across his widened eyes and they were still in front of him, even if he rubbed his eyes in a furious manner, and he choked a sob that dared to try and tear his throat out.
"YOU REALLY FUCKED THIS ALL UP BIG TIME."
As if it was a curse, once Dark continued on to speak, memories were flooding over him, seeing himself with Mercury who was yelling at him and shifted to the further moment of him encountering Discord once again before they both expressed their love to each other, but it led to the next when he told her that he doesn't truly deserve her, causing her to act more colder and bitter towards him.
She replied that she understood him, but Caleb could taste the doubt from her words, if he were to say it to himself, and especially how she would treat him differently to the worse, attempting to avoid him even as she ignored most of his received calls and texts as she avoided him and ignored his calls and texts. It broke him so terribly to believe that he have hurt her again, but it was only for the best to have her prevented from Dark, in spite of telling her about him, but remembering Discord's ex-boyfriend, he couldn't just take her from him like that.
"AND IT WILL BE LIRIM NEXT."
At the mention of his boyfriend, the trembling man then saw them, only at the back view, struggling in chains as he watched them earn more, recent wounds on their back, overlapping the scars behind their past, while his heart dropped at the sounds of their whimpers and feeble pleas to let them go, eventually shower g them with their apologizes. Caleb tried to cry out their name and reach forth towards them, but it doesn't seem like they heard him when it only made their figure more further away than the steps he would take until he couldn't move for some reason anymore. To watch them fight, only to lead them in torment, it was killing every parts of his reasons to still holding a want to be alive; just so he could be with them.
"Li....."
He was about to slowly fail from catching his breath because of the pain, both physically and mentally, he was about to suffocate in and wheezed, choking in a continued line of his feeble sobs He was unaware of his own nails were roughly dragging aross the sweating flesh of his neck with his hands clamping over it, creating thin lines of blood behind the deep, struggling marks. He couldn't reach his voice when it was simply lost in the beyond thoughts of desperate wonders over when this will be over, and more words were coming from Dark. The more he listened though, the weaker he become and would lose every small bits of his energy and strength remaining from trying to make this whole living hell go away.
When can he ever wake up?
"YOU ARE GOING TO HURT THEM, YOU ARE GOING TO GET THEM KILLED, THEY WILL THEN NEVER LOVE YOU EVER AGAIN AND WISH YOU DIDN'T EXIST. IT'S A MIRACLE HOW THEY LOVE YOU STILL, LET ALONE IN THE BEGINNING, REGARDLESS OF YOU BEING A GOD, EVEN KNOWN AS A TIME GOD. YOU HAVE HARMED ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND SO WILL LIRIM. NO ONE SHOULD LOVE A MAN LIKE YOU, YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT TO BE ALONE."
Eventually, seeing Lirim dead with a trail of their blood leading to his way, a note to take that he really was the one who killed them, he couldn't take it anymore.
Dark won, Caleb lost, as per usual.
( Have you ever watched a star die? )
"I'M SORRY, OKAY?? I AM FUCKING SORRY!"
( There was nothing ever b e a u t i f u l about it. )
When the silence crept over the scene after his sudden outburst, seeing the darkness fading away and replaced with the surrounding of his room, he weakly and awkwardly slumped in his seat and pulled his entire body into a laying position, his side on the bed before he placed his knees against his chest and his chin were resting on his knees, truly a mess he was now. His heart were pacing in and bleeding in a quickened pace, and continuing on to wheeze from his lack of ability to control his breathing, his ears were still ringing from his shout. Each time he hear that three exact words, he was starting to taste the plastic lies coming from it, not something he wanted to experience when he really was telling the truth, but uncertainty was a partner in crimes with his fear.
Disturbed at what he was forced to witness once again, Caleb sniffled loudly and pressed his forehead against his pillow tightly as his hands was now clenching on to his blanket. Lirim has to be making their way over here by now, silently thought the man to himself... It was impossible that they wouldn't have heard him... Unless they were ignoring... Caleb froze when he thought he heard footsteps behind him and he tried to cover his mouth with his wrist to end his broken sobbing, only a small squeak managed to escape from him in the end. He wished to look over his shoulder to see it would be his boyfriend, but to believe it would be someone else, a stranger, who was inside his and Lirim's house house this whole time or even Dark with a weapon, his desire were immediately drowning in terror at the thought and he whimpered loudly, trying to cover his entire body with the blanket and tried to whisper their name through heavy and shaky breath.
"Li-Lirim... Lirim.... L-Li....."
"Shhhh, Caleb, I'm here, I'm here..."
There was that voice. It was completely different from the voices he would hear from before, but it was so... so familiar. He lifted his head slightly by the time he noticed the blanket were being pulled away from his face and — "L-Lirim!" After Caleb feebly exclaimed to see it was his boyfriend, he threw himself over to the other and clung on to their arm tightly with his cheek against their chest, a mixture of cough and wheezes were quietly audible from him afterwards. He didn't notice how tensed their muscles were when their body were used as a support to his own though, knowing it would unsettle them as he did it rather sudden, but all Caleb was thinking was to hold on to them before they would leave him.
A line of coughs and wheezes continued from there, still having trouble keeping the pace of his breathing average and squeezed his eyes tightly. He could feel several gentle pats against his back before he could feel their hand through the back of his hair. He was being washed all over by the wave of comfort from Lirim's gestures, especially when he heard them speaking to him in their quiet, but firm tone. "Come on, breathe with me, it's going to be okay, I'm here..." Caleb kept his eyes closed while he was listening attentively to the heartbeat coming from them, and he seeked an attempt to calm himself down by doing as he was told; slowly forcing himself to decrease of his current breathing speed to match Lirim's. Meanwhile he was gripping on to his hope in his dear life that he was actually awake now and the nightmare was over.
'Lirim is here now,' he reminded himself.
'He is real, whenever he says he is here with me.'
There was only sounds of the quiet breathings that belonged to the two figures in the room, and there was sniffles coming from the still crying Caleb while his cheek were still firmly placed on Lirim's chest, giving their shirt a terrible stain of his tears ( not that Lirim would mind, he would guess ). The posture he was in at the moment was rather awkward though when his pained arm were being pinned in between Lirim's arm and his side. The pressure inside of his arm were making him fidgety, and he wasn't unable to hide the signs that would scream discomfort on his face when it was just too much to take. Eventually the aching was becoming worse and feeling it rocketing through his limb, he suddenly uttered a yelp, louder than he intend to. He was focusing on the pain, enough, he nearly fell over to Lirim's side when he slightly pulled himself away from them to squeeze his sore arm.
Caleb could hear a short gasp from them and knowing what would happen next to him, he didn't bother to fight Lirim anyway who immediately grabbed his arm afterwards, carefully, but at the edge of his action, he could tell they were warning him to not struggle while they were inspecting it. What wasn't what he was expecting of when they rolled up his sleeve, there was multiple hideous lines of deep and thin cuts decorating around where the throbbing was located in arm, what looked like they were made under the sharp edge of a knife. Although the cuts were recent, there was only dried blood stained on his tanned skin. The sight left him breathless, even if he was inside his room, he thought the silent winds have stolen his breath away from him. "N-no... no... no, no, n-no....." he whispered, his words were dipped in a pool of disbelief. While he was pouring that same word over and over, eventually saying it inside his head, he shook his head violently. Now he doesn't wish for this was a reality anymore and he was just somehow pulled into another sequel of the dream.
He didn't do this to himself, he didn't, he didn't....
Having to be staring at the cuts on his arm as his awareness was absorbed only to them, he didn't realize his hand was then being clutched on to by Lirim and yet, no words escaped from him as he was being pulled out of his bed. He didn't think he have any strength left to do anything at one point. Caleb could feel the ghostly sensation, a bit sharp in the middle, what could be like fangs hovering over his neck, coming from the anxiety demon who was more than willing to sink their teeth into his flesh and infect him with their poison. They succeeded, and his mind was immediately plagued in thoughts of what was Lirim thinking about the cuts and what would they do about it. Few whines escaped him.
"Sit."
It was a simple demand, and if anyone have known Caleb too well, they would be familiar with the fact that he was like a dog, one part meant he would even do as they would tell him to. Just almost anything, in that case. He really couldn't see any reasons to why he should sit inside a bathroom with them through hazy mind, but he didn't object, or even bother to crack the serious atmosphere with a sarcastic, "okay Daddy," respond, as he sat against the plate of the toilet. He jumped slightly in his seat before he shifted awkwardly, his action dipped in a discomfort manner, while the coldness of the plate were spreading across his rear.
His visions were still blurry from the tears that was still silently running on his face, and having the bathroom kept dark still, he couldn't really see what Lirim was doing. But to hear the sink running and being washed with something, he was unsure if he would want to know what would happen to him and lowered his head slightly to the side away from them. Caleb nearly cried out an apology, when he thought he saw Lirim's hand raising and came close to him, believing they had a knife with them.
"Caleb, explain to me what the hell happened to your arm."
It was what he fear of.
