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/no ic posts please- ooc response welcome.
song inspirations: Eet, Samson, Hero, Better ; all by Regina Spektor
1089 words
He didn't know who he was anymore.
The margay could watch people go to and fro all day, some faces new and some vaguely associated with his short lived childhood. He could observe them go throughout their days, arguing and playing with one another as they saw fit. Invisible, he crept along hallways, slinking beside ceilings for the sake of witnessing life.
But watching other people did not make him know himself. Maybe it had do to with the fact that he hated confronting himself, hated looking at himself and knowing how worthless he was. The margay hopped through a wall, coming to the shattered mirrors in the foul-smelling bathroom of the once-prison. His body became opaque as he stepped in front of his reflection, paws moving right through the shards of mirrors long since worn down by weather and fits of rage. His expression screamed 'stay away', eyes narrowed and face drawn into a stern frown. It was almost, almost enough to convince Leonardo that he had changed.
He hadn't, really.
Because when he stared too long into the reflection, his eyes drooped with exhaustion. His frown melted, lips parting in a sigh, his forehead balancing just above the glass surface. He was tired of this- had been tired of life, was tired of death, was tired of existence. For his entire life, he'd been weak. He'd been a coward, a whore, everyone else's punching bag or stress ball. He wasn't very different now- he still cowered when others weren't looking. He still slept by himself, his silent cries unheard in the halls of the prison as they had gone unheard in the hold of a ship, unheard in the trees outside the train station, unheard in the castle and in every den he had ever stayed in. The fact that he cried made him angry, the uselessness of his existence made him angry and all that anger made him sad.
Huge brown eyes stared into a reflection of themselves, finding death in the shaded depths. He had died so long ago, without the help of illness or disease. His heart laid torn in pieces, buried with his daughters, buried with his love, carried by the parent who walked away. Buried with his brother.
Sometimes, it was sad. Leonardo couldn't remember what Jupiter looked like, nor could he recall the sound of his voice. Had they spent much time together? Had he been kind? ...did Leonardo deserve kindness?
"No."
He clenched his jaw, the soulful ache returning. His chest tightened and the margay gave a small gasp, wishing that he could dig into his chest to get rid of the awful feeling. Like someone was wringing him out and he was going to bleed out.
He never understood this. By most logic, he should be bloodthirsty and battle hardened, not afraid of his own shadow and the rejection of whoever was left. How dumb was that? Being afraid of what others thought of him, ha! He was dead. He was rotting away, waiting for his soul to crumble into nothing and yet...
There was nothing for him, the ghost reminded himself of that. His jaw hurt, teeth still clenched and eyes still boring into the mirror as though he was really there. A scoff escaped his lips and the wildcat disappeared where he stood, no trace of him having ever been there. And why would there be? He hadn't made an impact while alive, so why would he make one dead.
Walking into the hallway, Leo tried not to shudder as an NPC walked right through him, unable to see him. The margay was out again, putting one paw in front of the other. It might have been creepy, but he was off to find Abeni or Ferdinand and... watch, he supposed. From a distance, or by sitting in another room and just savouring the proximity. It was stupid, but the routine made him sick. Ferdinand was teh only one from his childhood, the only family he had left. And yet Leonardo was afraid of being near him, was afraid of being hated, rejected. Afraid of calling out for his papi and having to watch as his father regarded him as a stranger. Abeni was newer, but the fear was the same.
The ghost staggered where he stood, moving quickly into some closet and finding himself short of breath. Which, again, was dumb- he was dead! He shouldn't have to feel the walls close in on him, his breath escaping him and his limbs shaking like this. Even though it felt like his lungs were being ripped out from his chest, the deceased managed to laugh bitterly, cackling at his failures.
What else was he supposed to be doing? He was a dead man, having a panic attack about losing his family, the family that he never spoke to, the family that didn't deserve to have him there as a burden. He was a waste of space, a smart * and he was way better off dead.
So yeah, he laughed.
"TRAITOR!"
He screamed, before rushing to another closet and collapsing there instead. No need to have everyone drawn towards him. No need for that attention. He began to laugh again, accented by his heaving sobs as the margay completely broke down in the privacy of his closet. He wasn't sure who he was yelling at- God, maybe. Death was supposed to be the 'is-all-end-all', the finality of existence. His fiance was dead, hopefully resting well (despite the other's opinions, because if the wolf was rotting in Hell, Leonardo wouldn't hesitate before joining him). His brother was dead, reincarnated and... gone. His first child was buried in the ground, deep- somewhere he could never visit her. On another group's territory, in a shallow grave made for an ounce-heavy cub.
Did he ever tell anyone about that? Phil, probably. Jethro must've known, along with some of the old Insignians. Not that they cared that much.
The only one that still talked to him was *ing Feliciano, the same bastard who declawed him and threatened him and hurt him over and over again. And still called him friend.
And somehow Leonardo didn't hate him.
How weak.
How stupid.
Too weak to managed a single more breath, a single more laugh, the ghost faded where he lay, unable to sleep but managing to blank out as best as he could. A manic grin remained on his maw, a mixture of horror and self-abusive humour on his face.
