Posts by [ shackles ]

sure. c: or, you know, i could just make a private thread, for us, if you'd like. :3

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( //sigh i am so done. T-T i'll never look at angst the same way. )

***as preston spoke to mark, he squeezed his hand. he knew something was wrong. na. diamond whimpered, trying to push himself up. he needed to get to him. he needed to tell him how wonderful he was, and that he didn't deserve all the pain he's going through. but preston gently pushed him back, down shaking his head. preston started to cry when mark hung up, and wrapped his hands around the too-deep cut on diamond's right wrist. the younger let out a few sobs and cries of pain, trying to push himself up again. but he didn't even move. he just cried and sniffled, waiting.

***his heart was shattered, and the thought of knowing na could be dead right now just broke it impossibly more. now he had to die. he had to. it was his fault, and he deserved it. it was all diamond's fault that na was hurt so badly. he deserved to feel this mental pain. he needed na...

***diamond hadn't noticed preston yelling at him, shaking him. he hadn't noticed he was just staring blankly at the ceiling. he hadn't even noticed he'd opened his eyes. when his eyes moved over to look at preston, the look on the guitarist's face made his body all numb. he couldn't feel a thing, except for the utterly warm, stinging touch of preston, and the hot tears falling down his doll-like face. if no one knew better, they'd say he had come back from the dead, with the way he looked.

***diamond was skinnier than ever, and the circles under his eyes had become darker. his once tan skin was now almost a perfect white, and he was too thin. his hair was in his eyes, and preston brushed the strands away. "please. don't do this to me. we love you. you can't leave us. we all need you. the fans, your family - us." diamond let out a whimper, trying to move closer to the older. but as if he read his mind, the redhead scooted closer, resting his head on diamond's chest. he still held his wrist in his hands, putting pressure on it.

***there was nothing he could do, though. nothing.

***they both flinched when hearing sirens, though diamond barely moved. preston, peeked over to see mark kneeling down by ash, who was literally broken. and not moving. sh-t. he knew diamond was friends with the guy by the way they were so close and nice to each other. and now they were both dying. why did it have to be them? anyone but them... anyone but his diamond. his diamond.

***preston hadn't told mark about diamond, since he probably didn't give a sh-t. i mean, it's ash who he was worried about - he was in his band, not diamond's. and he hadn't called 911, too scared to take his hands from diamond's wrist. "diamond, don't. please. freddie'll kill himself. he told me everything, princess. please." preston put his head back down on diamond's chest as his head rolled to the side. he was unconscious just yet, just really couldn't move. he couldn't feel most anything, and it was annoying him. he needed to get up before that ambulance took na away.

***the guitarist lifted his head, then leaned down to press a small, gentle kiss to diamond's lips. oh god, his lips. if diamond wasn't so weak, he would have fallen in shock. maybe it was just a friendly kiss - yeah, i was just a friendly kiss. you know, like a mom to his son, or a father to his son, daughter, whatever. i mean, preston kind of was a dad to him. or a really over protective boyfriend.

***holy sh-t.

***diamond hummed, finding the strength to turn his head to look up into preston's big, green eyes, which sparkled with tears. there was a faint, shaky smile on his face, and diamond returned it. "i love you." well, sh-t. that's wonderful. i think it's a bit late to tell him that, don't you think?

***"i..." he couldn't get anything out, his chest barely moving anymore. "sorry..." preston just shook his head, planting a few more gentle kisses to diamond's forehead, cheeks, and cold lips. oh, he was cold. diamond was actually getting colder and colder, and it was scaring the sh-t out of preston. dammit, he couldn't do this to him. not now - not ever. preston needed diamond, otherwise he'd go insane. even if diamond didn't feel the same way, he needed him in his life. and so did freddie and jared, and all those proud, supportive fans out there.

***ashes of neverland just wouldn't be the same without diamond as their lead singer and rhythm guitarist. if they even moved on with the band, anyway.

***no. diamond would be okay. he'd be fine.

***he hoped.

***"sh-t, diamond. i can't f-cking call 911, what the f-ck am i supposed to do? you're not f-cking dying on me, you little sh-thead. sh-t. if i take my hands from your wrist... f-cking sh-t!" preston's angry tears fell onto diamond's struggling body, and he picked him up. he kept one hand squeezing diamond's wrist, and carefully made his way outside. thank the heavens the ambulance wasn't gone, just yet. preston couldn't find any words, opening his mouth only to close it. he almost stumbled over his won feet, but made it outside.

***this was the worst day of his entire life. his 'crush' was f-cking dying. right in his f-cking arms.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

oooohhhh linkin haaaaiiii

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( i'm like.. crying right now. not joking. THE FEELS THE GODDAMN FEELS GOSH *^* )

***preston felt horrible. ash was f-cking dying, and his diamond was f-cking dying. what if they...? hell no. preston wouldn't let either of them die. being a christian, he told himself he was going to pray for them. he had tears running down his face, and when diamond was taken from his arms, he whimpered. his diamond. not his diamond. right after, the other two members of the band came running out, both instantly hugging preston. they started talking, trying to call themselves down. they told each other both of them were going to be okay.

***everything would be okay.

***diamond's body had gone limp, and he couldn't fight the sleep, anymore. he turned his head to see ash, and whimpered. he wanted to take his hand, the paramedics were hooking him up to a machine, which instantly made him colder and sick. he barely flinched when they started cleaning his new wounds, and stitching up the one that was a bit too deep. after a mere five minutes, diamond was out. he couldn't take it anymore. he had to sleep.

***"diamond, wake up! it's your first day of school!" the boy, fifteen, groaned, burying his face back into a pillow. when his mother came up the stairs, she stood at his doorway, hands on her hips. "come on, now, sweetheart. school isn't that bad. now come on! you're going to be late!" diamond felt like throwing up when he got up to his feet, and trudged over to his dresser. he pulled out a pair of fresh boxer briefs, and tight red skinny jeans. after, he walked to his closet, and grabbed a 'green day- band tee. he started shuffling his way over to the bathroom, which was hooked up to his bedroom so nobody else would use it. i mean, he had no friends, so nobody was over in his room and had to piss, so - you know.

"please, i'm begging you
wake me up, and take me away
somewhere that we both can feel safe
i'm trapped in this nightmare
and i've taken you with me
i'm so sorry, love
but you'll have to forgive me."

***his voice was soft and quiet as he stripped himself of the previous night's clothes, which consisted of an over sized hoodie and baggy sweatpants - and obviously boxer briefs. he threw them in the dirty clothes basket after putting the fresh clothes on the toilet, and got into the shower. he turned it on, hissing as the icy cold water hit his sensitive skin. after a few moments, he got used to it, and washed his hair and body, then just stood there for a second, letting out a sigh. he looked down at the scars on his hips and thighs, eyebrows furrowing slightly. some were old and pale, and some were new and fresh-looking. god, he was disgusted with himself.

"it's like a disease
everything i can't control
it wraps me in its warm embrace
and i can't help but call it my home."

***he sang the lyrics with a little venom, pulling at his longish hair. tears started to fall from his eyes, and next thing he knew, he was on the floor of the shower, curling up into a ball with the water turning red. he covered his face, trembling like a lost puppy outside in the rain. this happened almost every morning before school. especially on the first day.

***he finally stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his thin waist. his hipbones were a little too defined, as was his collarbone. his arms were pretty muscly, though, which kind of made up for it. "yo, diamond! you ready, yet?"

***his brother. older brother.

***when diamond woke up, he was in an uncomfortable hospital bed. his right hand was being gently, carefully held, and he turned his head over to see preston. the other two were chatting in the corner, and when they heard him move, they all smiled so bright it was contagious. diamond giggled, and covered his face. he still felt like sh-t, but he was slowly getting better. "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine! you make me happy, when skies are grey!" they all started singing, and quite loudly, making diamond laugh a little.

***and for the first time, in a very long time, he felt loved. he felt wanted, and he felt good. his heart felt good.

{i don't mind it at all, sweetheart! <3}

***it'd been two weeks, and diamond had been out of that hospital for about five days, now. his figure was still too skinny, but he was slowly gaining weight back. on this specific day, he was going to go visit na. he had been in a coma for these past two weeks, and his heart hurt for him. his right arm and left leg had to be amputated, but they all still loved him the same.

***diamond held preston's hand as they walked into the hospital, a nervous smile on his face. preston, looked down at him, the others going to sit in the waiting room. diamond had asked them to sit out there, so he could be alone with na. they all agreed, mostly because diamond had gotten a bit more sensitive since the 'accident'.

***preston leaned down and gave diamond a kiss, who returned it with a small smile. "we'll be waiting out here, love." with one last kiss tot he cheek, diamond was off to na's room.

***diamond had gotten a little more comfortable with wearing shorts and tank tops. at the moment, he was wearing skinny jeans and an of mice & men tank top, with red toms on his feet. and,of course, his beanie. his scars did show, and he was nervous, because he always got a few stares, but it was okay. preston was always by his side, unless diamond needed alone time. gosh, he was a wonderful boyfriend. diamond loved him to death, and it only made it better that preston loved him just as much, back.

***he had talked to a nurse, and she lead him to na's room. he fiddled his thumbs, biting nervously on his lip. why was she - oh my gosh, he was awake! a bright smile came across diamond's features, but it faltered when he heard his raspy voice. he quickly put a sweet smile back on his face, thanking the nurse, then stepped inside. he didn't hesitate to walk right over to na and give him a brief, gentle hug.

***"hey, stranger. you're awake!" he used his gentlest voice, which was the voice he always used. he took na's hand, not bothering to sit down.

***"smile, na! i love your smile." his hair fell into his eyes as he blushed, for no reason. he's been blushing a lot more, lately, too.

( let the jealousy unravel. //rubs hands together
MWAHAHAHAHAHA )[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( hmm, i don't really mind. like, maybe he just broke it real bad, and it has to be in a cast, or something? c: )

when preston poked at his stomach, he giggled. he covered his face again, feeling like a little girl. there was still an iv in his arm, but he had begged for the doctors to let him wear his own clothes. they obviously let him, because no one could resist those puppy dog eyes of his. his stomach grumbled, and he playfully pouted. jared and freddie whispered something, patted both preston and diamond on the shoulder, then walked out, laughing a little. what was so funny? he only shrugged, turning his head back over to look at preston, who had the sweetest smile on his face.

"what?" the older just shook his head, and took both of diamond's thin hands in his. diamond's were cold, considering he still had that stupid iv stuck in him. it would have been taken out, by now, but some days - like this one - it was just hard for him to drink anything. he ate a little, every now and then, getting by by each passing day. he was making progress, which was good. really good.

diamond's heart started to pound when preston looked at him with those sparkling green eyes of his, which were full of love and care. the smaller boy looked down, blushing deeply. it only darkened when preston gently took diamond's chin, and lifted his head up. he slowly began to lean in, and diamond closed the gap between them. the kiss wasn't intimate, though rather soft, gentle, and sweet. it made diamond's heart flutter, and he giggled again.

"i didn't know you were into boys." preston raised his eyebrows at diamond. didn't he know that - no, he didn't want to bring that up. he didn't even want to think about it. so he just shrugged his shoulders, and nodded his head a bit. "well, it was pretty obvious to freddie and jared. i guess i already told them i really liked you, though." he shrugged again, and the words made diamond shyly smile. "you... how long?" "a few weeks after the band was made." preston's voice was quiet and nervous, and he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, the other still holding on to diamond's left. he hung his head low, and diamond only giggled again.

"you're cute when you're nervous." preston's eyes widened, and his head lifted as he blushed. "you're blush is cute, too." diamond pecked preston's cheek, then let out a sigh. his smile suddenly drooped, and he slouched a little. it made preston's once flustered face go sad, and he put his hands on either of diamond's cheeks, moving his head so he could look into his eyes. "hey, princess, what's wrong?" diamond shook his head, putting his hands over preston's. "nothing."

preston frowned, standing up from his position in the chair beside diamond's bed. "come on, you can tell me, love." diamond gently grabbed both of preston's hands, and stood up. he was a little wobbly, and preston had to catch him before he fell face first onto the tiled ground. he hadn't walked for two weeks. what would you expect?

"i wanna see na..." preston's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy's waist. "who's na?" 'oh... i mean ash." the guitarist nodded his head, mouthing the word 'oh'. he bit down on his lip in thought, diamond wrapping his own arms around him. he snuggled close to the taller, sniffling. tears began to make their way out of his eyes, thinking of what could have happened to the other guy. preston gently grabbed his chin again, and lifted diamond's head, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. then he kissed away the boy's tears, making him smile a little.

"i'll see what i can do, okay?" diamond nodded his head, then sat back down on the bed. he watched preston walk out, giving a playful wink to him. the older rolled his eyes, blowing a kiss. diamond pretended to catch it and put it in his pocket. they both smiled brightly, and preston was off to talk to a nurse or doctor.

once he got back, a doctor by his side, the iv was taken out of his arm. he jumped on preston, wrapping his arms around his neck, and legs around his waist. the older wrapped his arms around the smaller, chuckling lightly. "be mine?" diamond nodded his head, staying silent. "na," he complained, pointing to the door. preston asked the doctor if they could see him, but they had to ask a nurse. so they did, and she said it was fine, but to take it easy. she gave them a smile, telling them they were cute together. hey, at least she didn't hate!

diamond hung onto preston like a koala as they walked not too far down the hall, and after a few moments, reached the other singer's room. diamond squealed, hugging tightly onto preston. he was excited to see na, being notified by the nurse that he was awake. "he's awake, pressy!" 'pressy' chuckled at the childish nickname, rapping his knuckles on the door before peeking his head in. "hello?" he stretched the 'o', smiling when he saw na on the bed, with a prosthetic leg. well, it was about time!

diamond jumped off of preston, still a little wobbly, and ran over to na. he hugged him from behind, giving him a kiss on the temple. he looked back to see preston, who had a glimmer of jealousy in his eyes. diamond rolled his eyes, then nuzzled his face in the crook of na's neck. "hi. i missed you."[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( thought diamond was happy, didn't you? pfft, right. he's not gonna get better that easily. x3 )

diamond hated how the other sounded. it made his heart hurt, as in he wanted to hurt someone, hurt. did that make sense? he didn't like to hear someone sound so rough and sore, and it was like a knife to his heart. he didn't want to let go of na. there was an emotion in his voice that told him he didn't really believe diamond. why? na had almost died for him, for christ's sake! i mean, it would have been better if the shorter just died, and na just left it alone. but, the thought of na actually saving his life meant a lot. believe it or not, if he had just stayed in that bathroom, he would have passed on before he could get in that ambulance. the moving made him a bit stronger, and it kept him alive.

na saved his ass.

his stupid, selfish, ugly ass.

hell no, diamond wasn't happy. if anything, he was just worse. he put on a good charade, for the sake of his buds - and new boyfriend. part fo him only nodded his head because he didn't want to hurt preston, but the other part kind of actually loved him back. but it was mroe like a brotherly love. he really didn't want to hurt the older, though. he knew it'd break his heart, and he'd go into a state of depression and sh-t. the last time someone broke up with preston, it wasn't a pretty sight. he wouldn't eat for days at a time, and he'd always get dehydrated. diamond couldn't do that to him. he didn't want to be the source of that pain.

not again.

when na asked how he was feeling, he furrowed his eyebrows. he really shouldn't be asking that. i think he knew how he was feeling. na knew he wanted to die. diamond was kind of angry at him for 'saving' his life, but at the same time, grateful that na hadn't died himself. if the taller had died, diamond would have to live with that guilt on his shoulders until he tried taking his life again. it was the younger singer's fault that ash had lost his leg, and broken his arm. it was his fault he barely made it out alive. everything was all his f-cking fault, and it was because of a selfish thing he'd wanted to do for so long.

he was starting to think that all of those names he was called back in school were true.

actually, eh already knew they were.

he was a selfish b-tch. an asshole. a f-g. a f-cking c-nt. and so much more that made him want to jump off a cliff, because he knew every word was true. he deserved all that had been given to him - all the negativity and hate. all the pain and suffering. he deserved every single last ounce of it. na, on the other hand, deserved nothing like that. he deserved to be happy, and not suffering in a hospital.

diamond was the worst human being on this planet.

in this whole f-ckng universe.

preston slowly and hesitantly came up to diamond and na, whispering something into diamond's ear. "i'm gonna go talk to the guys, 'kay? we'll be in the waiting room." he kissed diamond's temple, then was out of the door in no time. and as soon as he was out, hot tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. he had been holding them in since he'd woken up, and he couldn't hold them in, any longer. so he let them fall, letting out shaky breaths of air. he hugged na tighter, then slowly pulled away. he walked to the other side, and shook his head at the bottle of whiskey in the other's hands. but he didn't take it away, and instead, sat down in the chair in front of na.

"i'm so sorry, na. everything is my fault. you wouldn't be in here if it wasn't for me. you'd still have your leg, and your arm wouldn't be broken. f-ck me, right? i'm just a selfish b-tch, and i'm sorry." his voice was still firm, but held a sadness to it. his hair fell into his face when he looked up at the other, tears stinging his flushed face. he had a tank top on, and skinny jeans, and felt exposed. he should have asked for a hoodie, but no - he thought he was ready to just... but he wasn't. he definitely wasn't.

he felt grosser in front of na, with the scars on his arms showing. he wrapped his arms around himself, shoulders tensing. why did he do this? the tour was cancelled because of him, too. not that, that was important, or anything. i mean, to the fans - it f-cking bummed them out. but na being awake and alive was something to cheer about. diamond being awake and alive was horrible. it was just a nightmare. he wasn't anything but a worthless singer/songwriter - a person in a band. he wasn't that important to the world. and no matter how hard anyone tried telling him otherwise, he didn't believe them, one bit.

his stomach growled silently, but he ignored it. he grabbed one of na's hands; the one that didn't hold the bottle of whiskey. he squeezed it, frowning at himself when he looked away. he was so ashamed of himself, and it aggravated him that they took away all his friends - not all of them, but the ones that brought him the blissful pain. that left him numb and a little happier.

his chest felt cloudy, and his head began to swim, but he ignored that, too. he ignored anything but those bad thoughts and na. he slightly shook his head, sniffling. he was a disappointment to the whole universe, and it made him feel so small, it wasn't even funny. no pun intended, either. he chewed on the inside of his cheek, sniffling once more. he wiped at his face with his free hand, and fixed his beanie.

"you... wanted to know the reason i... you know. i'm sorry i didn't answer. i just... i guess i wasn't ready to tell anyone, yet." his voice was soft, now, and utterly quiet. he gulped silently, looking back up at na with red, puffy eyes, which still contained tears. his cheeks were tear stained, and more kept appearing as the hot tears stung down his face. "i think the answer is pretty obvious, though."

he stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. oh god, here we go.

"i'm good for nothing, na. all i do is get people hurt. no matter how hard i try to help, everything comes out worse. i can't do anything without hurting someone, whether it be physically or mentally. i'm ugly, gross, and i don't deserve to be here. i'm just a f-cking piece of sh-t who should go die in a hole. i'm worthless, and a huge liar. i hate lying, but i do it anyway. i think that it saves people from the pain of knowing, but they find out anyway, and they end up even more hurt than what i expected. the pain i feel everyday? i f-cking deserve it. i'm a selfish son of a b-tch. i sit here babbling on about my problems, with f-cking cuts on my arms and hips and thighs, with a depressed mindset. but there are other people out there f-cking starving. there are other people out there begging for a home, begging for a family. begging for f-cking love. there are other people out there who sell their body just to get by every day. there are people on the streets, begging for something that they desperately need. shelter, food, water. and there are people who are suffering because of f-cking cancer, or some sh-t like that. sure, i puke my f-cking guts out at least once a day, but that's nothing compared tot he sh-t some other people have to go through. trying to make my life was really selfish of me, and there's no excuse for it. i almost took you down with me. i..."

he had to take a deep, shaky breath, squeezing na's hand tighter. he looked down, shoulders shaking. god, he was such a mess.

"i just wanted to die! and no one can respect that! i've tried so many times, but no one will just let me die in peace! i deserve it! i deserve to drown, or hang, get hit by a sudden car, or bleed out. but no matter how f-cking hard i try, people just come out of f-cking nowhere and have to push me out of the way, or whatever. i can't f-cking do this anymore, na! i can't hurt people anymore!" his voice wasn't loud enough to be heard outside of the room, but he was yelling. he took his hand out of na's, and brought his knees up to his chest. he hugged his legs tightly, and he buried his face in his knees, crying harder than he ever did before.

f-cking sh-t.

( as you can see, it's totally fine. cx )[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( pfft, that'd be no fun! we have to keep this depressing for a bit longer! because it's so angsty and ugh... )

he wanted to scream. he needed that blissful pain. he wanted to feel cold, and have the life slowly drain out of him. he just wanted to get away from everything, so he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else. it was so selfish, but he couldn't help it. he wanted to drown in the pain that brought him bliss, and let everything go. he wanted to let it all go. he needed to let it all go. but no one would let him, and it hurt him more than you'd think.

when the other started speaking, he frowned, and his sobs died down a bit. he almost growled, but kept it in. na had no idea what his words were doing. it was only making things worse, making diamond feel even more selfish and horrible. preston did love him, but that didn't mean anything. maybe it was all just some sort of sick joke they were playing on him. that was highly unbelievable, but being diamond - he believed everything could end up being true. sure, it broke his heart, but it wasn't like he cared.

when he was pulled up and into a hug, he hesitantly hugged back. he was still mad, and it was a feeling he hadn't had for a long time. he was almost outraged, and wanted to break a mirror just to feel that pain of bliss. he needed it. it sounded as if he were addicted to it, but he was. he really was addicted to that oh-so wonderful pain, and he f-cking needed it. he'd been clean for so long, but i guess you could say he relapsed. his mind and body were begging for it, and his heart pounded in his chest, waiting for the blood to ooze out of his sensitive, now porcelain skin.

he already felt dead.

na was not trash. he was beautiful and sweet, and he should know that. diamond might have family, and wonderful fans, but that didn't mean sh-t. diamond was just purely f-cking insane, i guess. he always had these horrible thoughts about how maybe, just maybe, nobody truly liked him, and his life was just a sick, practical joke. that he was only put on this earth to be toyed with, so he would end up going insane and killing himself. he was already slowly killing himself, and he was barely even trying.

when he let go, he plopped back down in the chair, frowning up at na. he wasn't going to leave. preston might be jealous, but na was in pain. both mentally and physically. he wanted to help him so bad, but all he could do was get angry at his words. he slowly shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. he let out an aggravated sigh, and stood up. he was about to move to the door, but he stayed right where he was, glued to the floor.

"na - you are not trash. i do not have a perfect family, friends and fans - nobody does. i am not perfect. i am not beautiful, and i am not what anyone says i am. i'm all that i say i am, and no one can change that. preston might love me, but i only nodded my head at him so i wouldn't hurt his feelings. i know that when he finds out, he's gonna be even more hurt, but that's what i do. i just f-cking procrastinate, and they end up finding out without me telling them, and everything goes to f-cking hell. i'm sorry. i'm the reason you lost your leg, and broke your arm. you almost f-cking died because of me!"

he stopped for a moment, hands balling into fists as he looked down at na with an angered, yet hurt expression. "so don't f-cking tell me any of that bullsh-t! i've heard enough of it! i'm done! you can tell everyone i said goodbye, because i'm not f-cking leaving this goddamn hospital unless it's with my corpse on the floor!" his yell was a bit louder than last time, and he tried moving. but his feet seemed to be glued to the ground, and he only plopped back down in the chair. he put his head in his head in his hands, then leaned back. he muttered a string of curse words under his breath, slightly shaking his head.

"i'm going down, but i'm not dragging you with me. not this time."

( sorry for shorter post. *^* )[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=29pt]art s w i s t o n[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( no f-cking way. nope. c; )

then he started to cry. na started crying. he tried hiding it by putting his arm over his face. but the cries were still audible. he wasn't sobbing, but it was really f-cking obvious that he was actually f-cking crying. and it was diamond's fault. again. he hurt yet another person, and this was, what, his third or fourth time hurting na? he wanted to scream at himself, but he kept from doing so, for the sake of everyone in this damn death motel. he couldn't believe himself. he's hurt this poor guy so many times, and he just can't seem to stop. his mind was pushing him over the ledge, and he couldn't stop it.

the next words that came out of na's mouth made his world freeze. he couldn't hear anything but a ringing noise, and his eyes went wide. but that soon went away, and he shivered, shewing it away. na didn't need him. in fact, the only thing he needed for him to do was go away. but that little nickname sent shivers up and down his spine, and he couldn't find the strength to push himself up to go tot he bathroom. he felt sick and lightheaded, but he didn't move. he didn't want to hear na cry, but he couldn't move from where he was.

so he just sat there, listening to the quiet crying of the other singer. he was so broken, and it hurt diamond so much that he could barely breathe around him. when he said he'd lied about the whole 'used to be a prostitute' thing, he wanted to scold him like there was no tomorrow. he wanted to tell him that in the end, everything would turn out okay. it was something diamond himself would never believe, but whenever he said it to someone else, they sure did believe in it. so many believed in the words that pooled from his mouth, but he couldn't even believe himself. he knew it was really stupid of him, but he couldn't help it. he was too stubborn to believe in his words, or himself, for that matter.

how could so many people believe in him, when he couldn't even believe in himself?

that question would always remain in his mind. it was a huge wonder to him.

it might as well be the eighth wonder of the world.

in all honesty, here, diamond loved how na was so calm. about everything. he might have outbursts, but he knew it wasn't his fault. everyone had their outbursts - diamond just had a bit too many. everyone thought he was such an innocent little man-child, but there was a fire that burned inside of him. he wasn't as innocent as people thought he was. everyone knew damn well that he was stubborn, but not this stubborn. i mean, those poor ans didn't even know he was still suicidal, and had old and fresh scars littering his hips, thighs, and arms. maybe it'd be best to tell them in a note. he'd write it, put it on the side of the sink, then end up in the shower, with only a corpse for a body. the thought made him shiver, scrunching his face up for only a moment.

before he knew it, he was finally standing up. though he did so slowly, tears still making their way down his flushed cheeks. his heart felt sharp pounding against his chest, and his stomach did weird turns when he grabbed the other's wrist. he tried calming himself down, wrapping his hands around that wrist, though gently. then he took hold of his hand with one of his own, the other clutching on to his own tank top, arm wrapped around his tiny torso. he placed a kiss to the top of na's hand, sniffling as he intertwined their fingers. "i'm sorry, na. i'll always be here for you. i promise."

his mind was off of that chilling scene, and he leaned down to get close to na's face. he kissed his cheek, and his mind pushed him to do something more. he knew it was wrong, since he was with preston, but he couldn't help it. he held this strong feeling in his heart, so without hesitation, he planted his lips on na's before the other could do anything.

it felt right.

and he didn't hold any regret as he pulled away, giving the other a small, sad smile. his face was still close, wiping away his own tears. "i..." his cheeks burned, turning a darker shade of crimson. his smile turned shy and smaller, and bit on the inside of his cheek.

holy sh-t.

but it felt so right...

( FINALLY DA KISS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR YAY
UH OH PRESTON DRAAAAMMMMAAA )[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( *says in horrible acting voice* oh no! what will preston do? what will the other say and think? - SH-T'S 'BOUT TO GO DOWN, MHMM. oh, and switching to first person. c; )

why did i just do that? holy sh-t, it felt right, though. it sent a shiver up my spine, and as cheesy as it sounds, i felt those butterflies in my stomach, and when i intertwined our fingers, there were definitely sparks flying. oh god, what about preston? he was gonna be so hurt, and he'd probably end up slapping me, or something. not that i cared, because i well deserved it. what did na think? oh no, what if he didn't feel the same way? i mean, he was really nice to me, and said he needed me and stuff, but... oh man, i just made a huge mistake, didn't i? preston, or one of the other two could have walked in! one of na's band mates, or more, could have walked right in and saw! sh-t, please no panic attack. i really didn't need that right now.

at his stuttered words, i wanted to kiss him again. but i didn't. i held back, for the sake of both of us. but i stayed close, holding his hand tightly. i could feel those sparks flood my veins, and i shivered just barely. i knew there was something. that's why i felt so right with him. that's why i felt so comfortable around him, and that's why i had the urge to kiss him all the sudden. i just couldn't believe i acted out on that urge. it did seem to calm both of us down, though, keeping our minds off other things. i was grateful for that, and it made me regret the kiss even less - which was saying something, 'cause i didn't regret it in the first place.

i could see in his eyes that he was drunk, but eh. i really didn't give a single flying f-ck, right now. plus, it was his choice. not mine. and he seemed so flustered, and it made me blush deepen. damn you, na. my eyes sparkled, and my shoulders relaxed a little. i stared right back at him, that same small, sad and shy smile stuck on my face. and it was genuine, too - it was pure and true. he made me smile.

then i felt his arm wrap around my shoulders, and he pulled me closer so our lips met. i was a little surprised at first, but then i came to my senses, and my eyes started to close. but just as i was about to kiss back, he pulled back. there was a sad expression on my face, my cheeks still burning like a sauna, but i smiled that same smile again. then it drooped once more at the name of preston, and i pulled away, taking my hand from his. "i'm... don't apologize. i kissed you first..." my voice was quieter than ever, and i fiddled my thumbs. sh-t.

i just got together with the guitarist, and i was kissing another guy. but i felt something with na that i didn't with preston, and there was nothing i could do about that. i just had to take the risk in telling him i liked someone else, because i... i loved na.

before i knew it, i was leaning back down, intertwining our fingers again. i put my free hand on one of his cheeks, and pressed my lips against his. it just felt so f-cking right, okay? and it really calmed me down.

i really did love him. love him.

i love na.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( dat was a close one. x3 )

i don't know the last time i ever felt something like this. actually, i don't think i ever have felt something like this. i barely knew him, yet it felt like we've known each other forever. and, as cheesy and cliche as it may sound, it was like we were meant to be. just the feeling i got when i was even near him. it grew whenever i held his hand, and impossibly more when his lips touched mine. i was actually in love for the first time ever, and i wasn't scared. i mean, i kind of was, since i've never been in a relationship before, and he was my first kiss - holy sh-t, he was my first kiss. no, wait - preston was. god, i was so confused. but na was my first kiss, in my book. i mean, no offense, but i didn't feel anything when preston kissed me.

i'm a horrible person...

did he just groan? i almost shuddered, raising my eyebrows for a second. did i do that? no, he was probably just surprised. yeah, he was just surprised. i mean, i would be, too. really surprised, actually.

after a whole freaking minute, i felt a hand on my chest, and i playfully pouted when he pushed me away, though gently. at his words, i muttered an 'oh', and flinched when hearing the door swing open. i quickly sat down in the chair, wrapping my arms around myself. i gave them that shy, sad smile of mine, then looked down. damn, my arms. why didn't i ask for a hoodie? i sniffled, and rubbed my nose with the back of my wrist, scrunching my face up a little at the feeling of the scars under it.

cake.

they had cake.

and presents.

oh my god, it was his birthday! i gave him a kiss on his birthday! i practically confessed to him on his f-cking birthday?!

wait, was it his birthday? pfft, of course it was. who else would all that stuff be for? i was gonna look up at the sound of my name, but i only tensed my shoulders, my smile drooping. now my expression was just full on shy, but i kept my head down. i pulled my legs up, and wrapped my arms around them, then rested my chin on my knees. i didn't really so much like cake. the last time i had it i threw up continuously for over thirty minutes. i'm not even exaggerating. and that wasn't even the longest time of me continuously vomiting, either. ugh, just the thought of cake makes me want to hurl.

it's not so much the cake itself, but the frosting. i and my stomach agreed that frosting was really f-cking disgusting. i guess it tasted a little good, but at the same time, i didn't like how sweet it was. i wasn't that much into the cake itself, either. i'm not really one who eats a lot of sweets. ha ha, that rhymed... ahem.

i raised an eyebrow when jason, i figured, dropped the present right where - my eyes widened, and the blush crept back up to my cheeks. i gulped silently, and smiled a big smile, trying to hold in a laugh. i looked down, rubbing the back of my neck. i didn't do that did i? i couldn't have. i mean, i think i would have noticed it earlier. wait, that doesn't even make sense. i still wouldn't have known if it was me or not. frick, there i go again, confusing myself. dammit, diamond, stop confusing yourself. you're going to end up in a mental hospital, one of these days.

i was surprised i wasn't in one, now.

the rest of their conversation was blurred, with me just... there.

i buried my face in my knees, trying to hide the blush on my cheeks. i tensed when someone sat down beside me, though didn't move otherwise. my stomach began to twist, and not in that good, 'butterflies in my tummy' way. it was the cake. i shivered a little, scrunching my face up for a moment before lifting my head back up. i put my legs back down, my feet flat on the floor. i looked down at my arms, and started tracing over the scars on my right, where the worst one was. they took the stitches out not too long ago, which i was grateful for.

stitches also made me want to hurl. the sight of them reminded me of spiders, which i despised. well, i never really killed a spider. i'd usually just carefully, ever so gently take it in my hands - yes, my hands - and let it outside. i wasn't scared of spiders, i guess. but stitches looked like spiders were crawling out for under your skin. yeah, picture that in your mind. i bet you'll always remember that whenever you see a spider, or someone says 'spider'. ugh. i hated stitches with a burning passion.

i flinched, being the jumpy guy i was, when jason started talking. i zoned out, though, and went back into that own little world of mine. i rested my head on the back of the chair, slouching a little. i closed my eyes and took a deep breath. i wanted to sleep so bad. my eyes were tired, and i needed to lay down. i was still a little lightheaded, and when i walked, i was a bit wobbly and always stumbled on forward. i think i swayed a little, too, unless that was just me. i hope it wasn't just me.

when i snapped out of my thoughts, i abruptly lifted my head, looking around like i had no idea where the hell i was. i stretched a little, yawning. he wanted to be alone? i frowned a little when the other stepped out of the room, getting up to leave. he said he wanted to be alone, and i wanted to respect that. but when he asked me a question, i smiled shyly and sat back down.

was he staring at me?

i shivered a little when looking at the cake, shaking my head. "i'm not a sweets person." i wrapped my arms around myself, stomach growling again. but with the cake in front of me, i don't think i'd be able to eat anything for the rest of the day. i gulped silently, rubbing at my eyes, then fixed my beanie again. well, more like fiddled with it for a few seconds. it was a nervous habit of mine.

"um... happy birthday." my voice was quiet and soft, and i looked down, my cheeks burning. why did he make me blush so much? i just got so shy and flustered around him.

dammit, diamond. you're in-f-cking-love.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( i knooow! *^*
sorry, this is really, REALLY rushed. i had it all typed out, but my f-cking laptop hates me and just f-cking deleted it all before i could post it. I'M SO MAD!!! T-T )

if it wasn't frosting then what was it? oh, whipped cream. at his attempts of trying to say it right, i just giggled, blushing. i watched him hesitantly start to eat it, telling me not to let him pass out. i rolled my eyes, nodding my head subconsciously. i closed my eyes as he was close to finishing it, letting out a silent sigh. when i opened my eyes, the cake was gone, and he spoke again. his words made me chuckle lightly, and i rolled my eyes again. are you kidding? pfft, he was as fit as a fiddle. if anything, he needed that piece of cake.

coming from a guy who barely eats.

when i felt his arm around me, i squeaked, my blush deepening. i plopped down on the bed, immediately sitting indian style. i cocked my head to the side a little, watching him with curiosity. precious gem. the name made me smile faintly, and i looked down. my blush just kept getting impossibly deeper, and it was kind of aggravating me. it made me look so sweet and innocent and sh-t. i was childish, but i definitely was not innocent. most of the time.

why was he concerned about that? he needed the bed more than i did. i guess he was just sweet like that. i told you he was a sweetheart! you know what i'm gonna call him, now? teddy bear. he's my teddy bear. my teddy bear. ha, and i was his human. that sounds so weird and stupid.

but he's still my teddy bear.

i was about to complain about him being in the chair, and needing to be in the bed, but he had already situated himself, so i refrained from doing so. i just let a silent sigh pass my lips, and a thought hit my mind. preston. what was i going to say? 'oh, sorry, but i love na, now. we'll always be best buds, though!' ha, right. he'd end up screaming at me, slap me, then get all depressed on us. he wouldn't want to speak to me ever again, and he'd shrug me off no matter how hard i tried to make peace with him. and, sh-t, what if he left the band? he'd break all of our hearts, and even the hearts of at least some of the fans. dammit, look what i've gone done and caused! god, i am such a horrible person. and we just started f-cking dating! today!

i was snapped from my thoughts when hearing na's voice, not realizing i had begun to cry. i lied down and buried my head in the pillow, letting out a huff and a long groan. "i don't f-cking know... i'm such a horrible person..." my voice was muffled by the pillow, and i grunted. "sh-t..." i stretched the 'i', then rolled over, onto my back. i covered my face with my hands, sniffling.

f-cking hell.

dammit.

sh-t.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( same here, love. same here. pfft, and this is totally out of the blue, but would you like to do another role play with moi? it's fine if you say no. just... you know... asking. //smiles shyly like i always do. i mean, you probably have a bunch of other threads, so... never mind. c: )

please don't cry. god, please do not cry. i groaned silently, wiping at my face before covering it back up with my hands. why am i such a horrible person? why does god hate me so much? oh man, if preston heard me say that, he'd - ugh, preston... i love him to death, but in a brotherly way. maybe if i say that, it'll make things not so bad. maybe he'd actually start talking to me after a few days. or weeks? dammit. you never knew with that pretty boy. what? no one could deny that he was super pretty. he looked like a f-cking model, but not fake. yup, he was the real deal. with his tattoos and piercing green eyes, and light tan skin and sh-t. even straight guys would think he was gorgeous. though, freddie and jared were, too. girls just swooned over them - and guys. most of our fanbase were girls, but there were plenty of guys, too.

ha, we'd always point out the really, really cute girls and guys from the crowds. we'd laugh a little at each other, make fun of each other - obviously playfully - and just have a good time. like we always did. well, most of the time. on my especially sh-tty days i was too grumpy to do anything but sit around, draw, write, sing, and be alone.

i could really go for a swim, right about now. once na got out, we could go back to the hotel, and all of of would, hopefully, have a good time. he was probably getting out soon, and we had the hotel for a few more weeks, surprisingly. i mean, the tour was cancelled, and all, so why not? to be fairly honest, i was glad the tour was cancelled. i'm not saying both of us dying was awesome, because if f-cking wasn't, moronic asshole. i'm just saying it's nice to have a longer break, than usual. stress level, down.

oh, wait. there it goes, shooting back up again. dammit, preston, why?! then na started to talk, and the words 'love' and 'affairs' made me want to just sob. i do love him, i really do. i love both of these guys, but one is just brotherly love. god, i never meant for this to happen. i just... i was confused, and i still am. maybe if i tell preston i'm just confused as f-ck, he'll understand.

like hell he will.

i grunt, sitting myself back up. i didn't want to leave. i slightly shook my head, taking the beanie off. i messed with it in my hands, staring down at my thin fingers. i chewed on the inside of my cheek, flinching when the door opened slowly. i looked over to see who it was, and my face flushed. preston, goddammit.

"hey. what're doin' in the bed, silly? ash's supposed to be up there." i gulped silently, shoulders tensing when he picked me up, then set me down in front of him. he moved so he was by my side, wrapping an arm around my waist. "hey, it was good to see you, ash. hope you can get outta this hellhole soon." his voice was soft and sincere, and tears pooled from my eyes. "you ready to go, ba- what's wrong?" preston gave an apologetic look over to na, and i shook my head. "just go, okay? i'm sorry, pressy. um.. i mean, preston. i -" he got the hint. he frowned, and immediately moved away from me. without another word, he was back out of the room, and closed the door way too silently.

damn. my f-cking heart just broke into millions of little pieces.

i f-cking called him 'pressy', too. what the hell is wrong with me?

goddamn.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( awesome! it's super cheesy, but... pfft, whatever. i was thinking one of our dudes lived off of spray painting on the streets, and, like, painting stuff for business or some shit? then the other guy sang out on the streets, and bars and coffee shops 'n' sh-t? which would cause both of their lives to be kind of hard, but you know... i'm mean like that. c; and the artist spots the musical artist sitting on a fountain in new york[because why not? cx], and becomes intrigued and stuff. and then their eyes meet and sh-t, and one of them decides to ask the other to get some lunch, or whatever. yeah. x3 anyway, my muse has flushed down the toilet, so don't worry 'bout it. c:
oh, and i'm stupid. this whole text thing is black. so ptv's songs will be italicized and in silver. x3 oops.)

* * *

who knew 'breaking up' with someone you weren't romantically in love with could hurt so freaking much? i mean, i really wish someone would have told me! maybe it was just because i hated seeing others hurt, and i knew preston would be damaged for a long time. and it hurt to know he wouldn't talk to me, or even acknowledge my presence. and the other guys would probably end up yelling at me and hating me, and sh-t like that. and they'd end up ignoring me, too, just sending me death glares all the time. and i'd be that guy who just sat int he corner shaking, scared sh-tless, not knowing what to do.

and just like that, the urge of wanting that blissful pain hit me in the face like a bus. and once again, i felt dead inside. i couldn't believe that just happened. i wasn't angry, no way. i was just hurt and scared. i backed up until i hit the bed, and climbed back onto it. i sat indian style, shaking my head at na's question. tears rolled down my cheeks, and i curled up in the bed, facing na. i looked over at him, trying my best not to break down. i let the tears fall, but i seriously did not need to break down, right now.

but i did anyway. i went into fits of sobs, covering my face with my hands. my shoulders shook, and most of my sobs were silent. i couldn't breathe, but my mind nor my body didn't seem to give a sh-t. i started trembling again, which really annoyed the f-ck out of me. it made me look so vulnerable and... broken.

ugh, i'm just a mess.

[color=silver]what's so good about picking up the pieces?
what if i don't even want to?[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( i don't mind at all! c: also, what should the age range be? pfft, i already know, but i don't care. and i didn't get up till three. oops. x3

you have no fudging idea how much i hurt right now. i don't think anyone would ever know. the way preston looked at me, with his eyes sparkling with hurt and anger. it just made me want to hurt myself, again. i felt so defeated, and i didn't even want to move. i wanted to huddle up in a corner and never move from there. maybe if i did, i couldn't hurt anyone else. the guys are probably so furious right now, and it kind of scared me. i didn't want to go out there. if i was lucky, they just left, already. no matter how much i loved them, i wished they drove off, already. i was just confused, and i didn't know what i felt. now i know that i love preston as only a brother, but... he wouldn't take any of my bullsh-t after this. dammit.

i flinched when i felt someone adjusting my beanie, and curled up tighter. then i heard his voice, and i slowly shook my head. don't 'almaz' me! i f-cking love you, but... i don't know. i just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but i couldn't do that to anyone - especially not in here. everyone would think i'd gone totally insane, and i'd end up going into therapy and some sh-t like that. and really, that'd only make things worse. i wouldn't talk, anyway.

hey, that's a good idea! don't talk. just keep my mouth shut until i got onstage. and talking to fans, of course. i had to keep up this charade of happiness, for their sake.

i heard a shuffling noise, and i opened my eyes, my cries dying down. he gave me a small smile, but i didn't return it. i just buried my face into the pillow, hugging it tightly. when i heard him say those words, then walk out of the room, i panicked. i sure as hell didn't want to be alone in this room. it was cold, and it felt like f-cking ghosts were roaming around. it made me shiver, and i hopped out of the bed. i bounded tot he door, and ran over to na, who was still in sight. i latched on to his arm, staying close to him. i buried my face in his arm, not wanting anyone to see my face. then i remembered the scars, and the color i was getting back flushed back down to a light porcelain, again. i moved closer to na - my lifeline, at this point.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( is it weird that that's exactly what i thought you were going to say? x3 imma have my dude be 21-going-on-22, but he's gonna look so young people be like' whaaat?! i thought you were seventeen! you are not that old!' plus, he's gonna be a bit short, too. again. cx i'm so hyper. and i have to go to a softball game. T-T i don't know when i'll be back - hopefully soon! )

when he hummed, it made me smile faintly, obviously shy. i walked at the same pace, though had to walk just a little faster than him since i was so small, and he was a freaking skyscraper with gazelle legs. that reminded me of andy. andy biersack. god, he was gorgeous, and his girlfriend was really sweet and pretty. they were so perfect for each other, and i was so happy for them.

why was i even thinking about that? my mind is so jumbled up, and i didn't even know what i was thinking about. or, i mean, why. that didn't even make any sense, did it? ugh, what if they were still here? my band mates, i mean? they were probably glaring at us, if they were. i mean, we were walking past the waiting room. i could feel cold stares, and i instantly knew they were still out there. when we stopped, i looked over to my shoulder. and much to my dismay, they were glaring over at us. or, me? tears welled in my eyes, i quickly looked back to the front of me, and down. they didn't leave, though, and instead just sat down. damn, they were waiting for me. well, they were going to be there for a while, then. i didn't want to leave na's side. i was...

sh-t, i was really scared.

i flinched at the sound of a voice, tensing. when i realized it was only na, i relaxed again, though still trembled like a f-cking chihuahua. i was lucky my knees hadn't buckled yet. i chewed on the inside of my cheek, shaking my head. people probably thought i was some kid who was scared to death of... well, people. and death motels. i really was scared of death motels, but not enough to make me tremble so much. or tremble, period. i mean, i was always a little shaky, because that was just me, but sometimes, when i got really scared - ha, i f-cking trembled like there were zombies surrounding me.

"i'm... good."

( i'm super excited, too! ^^ //squeals )[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=37pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

[fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]if i were you, i'd put that away[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]see, you're just wasted, and thinking about the past again[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( i'm back! yay! my cousin, sadly, lost - but she's really good! and there were so many bugs... ugh. anyway, details, details. ooh! nah, i got nothin'... my brain needs to cooperate with me, dammit! *^* )

i was really pissed - at myself. wasn't i always pissed at myself, for some stupid reason? i mean, this was no stupid reason, but most of the time i just got angry at myself for no reason at all. like not being able to reach the top of freddie's head. he was the tallest of us four, at six feet and two inches. god,i'm gonna miss how we always talked to each other, and made each other laugh. now their just going to ignore me, and just the three of them will laugh and have their fun. i'll just be somewhere else, or sitting farther away from them, doing whatever. i'd be even quieter than i was before. if not mute.

when i heard shouting, i tensed, eyes going wide for a moment. i turned my head to see the rest of the russian mafia heading towards us, and i slowly relaxed my shoulders again. i would have laughed at them, but i was too preoccupied in my band. my family. my not-blood-related family. would they even consider me that, anymore? i don't doubt it at all. my heart felt like a knife, and it stabbed at my chest, like it was trying to claw its way out. wow, that was a beautiful picture which will now always be in my mind. and their voices were so cheery. i gave a brief, faint, obviously fake smile over towards jason. it was jason, right? yeah, i think so.

i hung my head back down, suddenly interested in my shoes. pfft, right. i was glad those guys didn't think anything of the way i was clutching on to their singer like my life depended on it. and how i trembled like a kid in a storm, with nothing but a tank top and shorts on. who was lost. and cold. and afraid. just lying in a box in an alleyway, waiting for someone to 'save' him. ugh...

charity? wow. it made me smile faintly, and i rested my head on his arm. i would have looked up to see his reaction, but of course, i was too insecure and scared to do that. hey, at least i wasn't trembling as bad, anymore. i silently thanked the heavens for that - obviously mentally. if i whispered it, those guys would think i really was insane. and not the good kind.

i sniffled, licking over my lips. i looked, with only my eyes, to the bottle of water. i was thirsty, but the sight of it made my stomach twist. even water makes me throw up, sometimes. but i ended up nodding my head, at both the first and last part. i let go of na, that urge washing over me. i furrowed my eyebrows as i took a sip, then gave it back to na. i wrapped my arms around myself, and stared back down at my shoes. "stupid." i whispered it, so it was barely audible, not even realizing i had said it out loud. jeez, i did that too much.[/fancypost]
[align=center][font=cambria][size=23pt][color=black]darling, you'll be okay[/size]

[size=43pt]diamond c o l l i n s[/size]

save me from the ones that haunt me in the night. i can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
[size=11pt]d o n ' t g o...[/size]