Posts by [ shackles ]

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He did do something wrong - he did everything wrong. Some days, he just couldn't do anything right. No wonder his parents practically disowned him. They acted as if they never had a son, when they met up with their friends. Trust me, Dane knew about that. They'd tell him, for christ's sake! They told him that whenever they met knew people, or talk to their friends, they were too disappointed in him to even think about him. They were disgusted with him, to simply put it. His tattoos, his his hair, the way he dressed, his smoking - Everything. They hated literally everything about him, and he hated that. He never had real parents, who really cared about him. They loved him when he was a child, because they were the ones who picked his clothes out. They were the ones who went to the barber, or whatever, and told the guy - or girl - who was going to cut his hair how to cut it. And he could smoke, either. He was way too little to smoke, of course, and he wasn't around any of that, anyway. They controlled him, when he was littler - They never truly loved him. They only liked him because he was a toy. He was a f-cking doll they could do anything they wanted to. He was vulnerable to literally everything and everyone. Nobody ever truly loved him - He wasn't even sure if Val truly loved him, and it made his heart sink, every time he thought about it. Because he knew too well that it could be very true, that Val was like the rest of the people out in the world - Only liked him because of how vulnerable he was.

Ice cream? Dane couldn't eat ice cream, after this! He'd only end up vomiting even more, and then even more after that because he'd have a panic attack. He didn't want to talk about this later. He didn't even want to talk about this, now. He wanted to leave it alone, and behind; in the past. It'd be better for the both of them. The only thing he couldn't leave behind and in the past was Val hurting himself - Intentionally. And knowing it was his fault made him want to do the same. He deserved it after all, didn't he? He hurt his poor Valentine, and he deserved every negative thing he got. He'd more than likely end up hurting himself, anyway, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally. He was probably going to hurt himself without an intentions at first, then, if no one - Val - stopped him, he'd end up hurting himself, with the intention of doing so. It was terrifying, but the truth could be terrifying, sometimes. And most of the time, it hurt like a b-tch.

"No. I don't -" He cut himself up, squeaking silently at the tightness of the hug. Dane still didn't want to let go. The tighter the hug, the more likely they'd never be separated. He didn't want to leave his side ever again - Ever. He was never going to let him out of his sight. He needed Val just as much as the other needed him, and Val needed him just as much as he needed the other. "It's my fault, Val. Everything's my fault. No matter what you say, it's my f-cking fault."

// it's totally fine, hon! i get it, very much. c:

[align=center][font=times new roman][size=8]i kicked a rock on the sidewalk, staring at the ground. i stopped my singing as people passed by, giving me smiles. i gave them all smiles back, then looked right back down at the ground. i hoped and prayed no one would recognize me. unlike some people, i didn't like the whole 'fame' thing. i didn't like being excited over, and sometimes, there would just be a whole group of people, more than likely all girls, freaking surrounding me. i still put a smile on my face, though, and nodded my head and held short conversations with them. they'd ask me some questions, tell me some things, ask me to sign something, then go about their day. at least they weren't stalkers. that'd be really, really freaking weird.

and, of course, with my luck, a group of three girls spotted me - and recognized me. my head lifted, a smile on my face when they practically skipped over to me from across the street. one of them squealed, and gave me a small pocket notebook and a pen. "please, please, please?" i rolled my eyes and nodded my head, looking at her, waiting for her to tell me where to sign my name. by the way, my handwriting was absolutely horrifying. she told me to sign it right on the cover, and i shrugged my shoulder. i quickly signed my name, then was handed a sharper and a tank top, then a tiny camera. a camera? that was a new one.

i chuckled lightly, signing both of them. "thank you so much!" the girl's australian accent was evident, and he just nodded his head, then shrugged his shoulders. "no problem." when i thought they were about to walk off, one of them turned back around, a bright smile plastered on her face. "are you gonna do a collab with -" "yes, i am. but, ssh! it's a secret. no one else can know, 'kay?" i whispered, her friends already having been walking off without her, squealing over their signed items. "don't even tell them." she nodded her head, then sprinted back over towards her friends. i let out a silent sigh, shaking my head a little as the smile drooped. and i began walking again.

after a good three more minutes, i was finally at the gas station. i walked inside, almost flinching at the bell that sounded as i did. i walked right up tot he counter, since there was no one in line. trust me, there were like, ten people in there, but they were all checking out the movies. a bunch of teenagers. after asking the guy if i could get a pack of cigarettes and a lighter - i'm not telling you what kind of cigarettes - he nodded his head and told me the price. i took my wallet out and gave him just a dollar over. "keep the change." he nodded his head, and we exchanged smiles, then i got the hell out of there before anyone else saw me.

i put my wallet back into a pocket of my hoodie, then took out a cancer stick. i put the pack in the other pocket of my hoodie, and cupped my hand over on side of it. after lighting it, i put the lighter in a pocket of my skinny jeans - if you wanted to know, yes, they're girls'. shut your face. i have a high metabolism, and panic attacks. it's not my fault.

i took a long drag, tilting my head up to watch the smoke drift out into the air, then gradually disappear. i really needed this. then my phone buzzed and i took it out from a pocket of my hoodie, and looked at the text message i had received. damon? 'dude, yur takin 4ever' i rolled my eyes, taking another drag as i replied to him, hitting send immediately after i finished the message. 'it's been less than 10 mins so shut yur cakehole. i'm almost there' hey, no typos! well, besides the text talk. but that doesn't count.
i put my phone back in a pocket of my hoodie, and took another long, sweet drag.

three minutes later, once again, i was back at the diner. i was still finishing the cigarette, so i slowed my pace. i was really freaking tired.
"so here i write my lullabies
to all the lonely ones
remember as you learn to try
to be the one you love
so i can take this pen
and teach you how to live
what is left unsaid
the greatest gift i give"

( pfft, your posts are gorgeous.
ha, that's cool. and a little weird, too, but amusing. c: i totally agree with you. they're wonderfully brilliant, agh! clayton is my bae. <3
by the way, since i have only one full song, and one other work in progress, i'm gonna use bvb's as the ones he wrote/writes. because andy is my fc and... yeah. c: )

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]touring was supposed to be fun. they were all supposed to do crazy things that'd make each other laugh. they were supposed to have light saber wars at wal mart, and give each other rides in carts at target. they were supposed to dance the weirdest, stupidest dances ever, and then end the day with a few drinks. this was supposed to be fun, and some days, relaxing. they were bands, for crying out loud! their lives shouldn't be so sh-tty, like this! they had so many supporting fans, and most of them had supporting families. no one was supposed to be crying or hurting. no one was supposed to be upset or angry. everyone was supposed to be happy, hyper, and upbeat. well, not necessarily hyper, but at least a few of them should be. sure, the russian mafia were pretty freaking hyper, but no one should have to feel like a pile of dog sh-t.

diamond flinched when hearing a voice, sniffling and gulping silently. ew, he could still taste the vomit in his mouth. it made him scrunch his face up for a brief moment, opening his eyes. his head was still tilted up, and he could see ash on a high branch. his eyes widened for a moment, pushing himself off the ground. he only fell back down on his bum with a grunt, his head swimming. "what are you...? are you crazy?! g-get the f-ck down from..." when he realized he was frowning and yelling, he looked down. way to make things worse, diamond.

tears still trekked down his pale face, wiping them away with his hands. having his luck, they just kept coming. he rubbed the back of his neck, his stomach twisting when he looked back up. he sniffled, fixing his beanie and rubbing at his nose with a wrist. "i'm sorry. it wasn't the food, i swear." his voice shook, and again, with his such good luck, it had a pained tone to it. he looked back down, and buried his face back in his knees. he let the tears fall, and drifted off into that own little world of his, where he didn't acknowledge anything or anyone around him. he was just in a deep, never end black pit of nothing. and he felt like he was falling, trembling. he didn't want to open his eyes, though. he was tired. he was tired of being tired.

( ssh, it was beautiful. <3
yes, yes. sleep is a wonderful thing. c: )[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( gurrl, please - it don't matter. they're still beautiful as ever. <3 )

he could hear the utterly faint calls of his band mates, but only hugged his legs tighter, burying his face deeper. he sniffled every now and then, his stomach's pains growing worse with each passing moment. he could hear the other band members of the russian mafia call out for ash, which were a bit closer. his band had always been one to travel slow, and go too far. he let out a light, silent laugh, smiling for a brief moment before going back to sniffling every five seconds. the tears stung his eyes, and made fiery trails down his face. it hurt him to cry - physically and mentally. everyone cried sometimes, but diamond cried too much. he was a big f-cking baby, and no matter how much his band mates tried telling him it was normal, he knew he cried far too much for it to be normal. he loved how they tried to make him feel better, though. they all loved each other so much, and at the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

his flinched when hearing a faint thud beside him, scooting a bit away on instinct. he turned his head to look at ash for a brief moment, eyes red and blotchy, only to bury his impossibly pale face in his knees. he could really go for some sleep, right now. he wanted to curl up into a tight ball, and cry himself to sleep. he was afraid, obviously, of having the nightmare again - but it was quite worth it. he needed the sleep, even if it meant vomiting when he woke up. it did drain him of his energy and tolerance, but he needed all the sleep he could get. even just a two hour nap would do, each day. or a few thirty minute naps, every day, would do him some good.

diamond's eyebrows furrowed at what the other said. damn right he could stay here. he wasn't going back to the bus until he got a little better - as in stopping his crying, and gaining a it more tolerance towards things and everyone else. though the next things he said made him laugh a little, utterly silent. he shook his head just slightly, burying his face deeper. "and i doubt you speak spanish," he responded, just trying to brighten things up, once more. he himself smiled faintly, finally lifting his head to look over to ash. god, he probably looked so gross and ugly, and the taste in his mouth didn't help anything. he sniffled and wiped at his eyes, then sprawled his legs out. he wrapped his arms around himself, leaned back against the tree with his head tilted up, and eyes closed. "darling, it'll be okay," he very silently sang, the faint smile on his face still plastered on. he opened his eyes and rolled his head so he could see ash again, eyebrows furrowed in a sad way. "it'll be okay," he whispered, mostly to himself. dumbass.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( pfft, no one can escape my sweetness. deal with le diabetes, because i will never stop with le sweetness! MWAHAHAHAHA! he he. //innocent smile )

he liked to think spanish was sort of a romantic language. it was a funny one, too. he loved to speak in a mexican accent, as did the rest of the group. they learned spanish from him, since they were all high school dropouts, and didn't ever pay attention in class. unlike them, he had graduated high school, but dropped out of college once the band formed. he was eighteen, and they got signed when he was nineteen. pretty damn awesome, right? he was a pretty smart kid, for the most part. he almost dropped out of high school, because - you know why. but he decided he wouldn't let that get in the way of his education. most of the stuff they taught was just sh-t - not true. in those classes, such as social studies, he just didn't listen. he still had an a average, though, and graduated with a 4.0 gpa. smarticle particles, as some teens would say.

he was definitely not a romantic person. he could cook, yes, but he was not romantic. he was always the one to shy away from relationships, hence why he's never kissed anyone but his mom, niece, and sister - and he's a virgin. he'd never even experienced dating before - it was sad, really, to think about it. he might take interests in people, but he's always been afraid to actually get into a relationship. his band mates made fun of him every single day about it. he knew it was playful, so he didn't get angry or upset. he just got a little annoyed, sometimes. they knew about his past - everyone did. everyone knew he got bullied in school, and that he tried killing himself twice. but now, he has the chance to tell people suicide isn't the answer, and all that stuff - that it gets better. even if it's only by a little bit. a little bit's enough, because eventually, you'll become something more than you could ever imagine. and things always, always get worse before it gets better. after a hurricane comes a rainbow - sometimes even a double rainbow.

shut up. it's cheesy, blah blah blah. he knows.

he kept that sad smile on his face, practically staring at the other. there was something more tot his guy than what everyone thought. he was sweet, sensitive, and he knew he was hiding something. you could tell by the way his eyes shined, the way they did. well, diamond could, anyway. he wouldn't let his curiosity get the better of him, though. part of him was afraid to ask, but the other part of him just wanted to know, so he could help him. but we all know where that would end. his face flickered from a sad smile, a frown, then back to that same sad smile. he let his hair fall into his eyes, his breathing finally back to normal. he crossed his legs so he'd be sitting indian style, and put his hands in his lap, loosely folded together.

he tilted his head to the side a bit when the other muttered his name, and was surprised when he gently grabbed his chin. he let him move his head, keeping in a giggle that threatened to escape. he was ticklish, okay? he blushed lightly at ash's words, wanting to cover his face up. but he didn't, and almost squeaked when he - ash - opened his eyes wider. he stared right back, swallowing another giggle before it could come out of his mouth. what was he doing? when he finally stopped messing with his face, he looked down. he didn't care if his hair fell into his eyes - it always did, especially since it was parted mostly to the right side. his right eye would be covered by his hair, most of the time - and sometimes, it was because he was utterly insecure. yes, you heard me - he was horribly insecure.

he let out a huff of a laugh at what the other said - or demanded. he only nodded his head slightly, looking back up at him when he knew the blush faded. he knew his eyes were still red and puffy, and there were tears stains on his now utterly pale, sensitive skin. his smile was even sad, and it made him feel ugly. what did i tell you? insecure. and when ash brushed his hair out of his eyes, he smiled even fainter. he looked down at the other's words, blushing deeply. he wrapped his arms back around himself, then brought his hands up to cover his face, shaking his head. "why? it's... gross and ugly. especially now," he muttered, the blush on his cheeks only deepening, stomach twisting in knots.

he was ugly. why would anyone want to see his face? his body just made it worse. ugh. and, at the moment, his voice sounded horrible, too. he hated sounding sick. and the taste in his mouth needed to go away. right now. seriously.

( oh my gosh, yes. yes yes yes. agh, this is so cute! i'm freaking dying! i'm just squealing and flailing and, aaawwww. I SHIP THIS TOO HARD. )[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( ha! right. like i'm cute. //eye roll )

he kept his face covered, eyes starting to water again. his smile faded, and only a single tear fell from his eye. freddie, jared, and preston always called him - and i quote - an 'adorable little sh-t'. they told him he had puppy dog eyes that no one could say no to, and he had the softest skin ever; and he was just as adorable as a newborn puppy. freddie, the most childish one of the group, would always tell him he was beautiful. diamond, being the way he was, would blush and cover his face, shake his head, and deny it. he'd even cry, sometimes, after he told him that. and freddie would talk to him about how no matter how much he denied it, he was beautiful as f-ck. flirty motherf-cker. and with the way they always messed around, it was no wonder why lots of fans told them they'd be perfect for each other.

no. just no. hell to the freaking no. they were family. no.

he flinched when he felt hands gently grab his wrists, and he looked over to ash. there was a sad expression on his face, and his shoulders tensed when their noses touched, and the other started to quietly talk. his blush reappeared when ash called him 'precious gem', and he wanted to look down. but he was frozen, biting the inside of his cheeks so his lip wouldn't quiver. why did he even care what he thought of himself? they barely knew each other, and it wasn't like he was saying he was ugly enough that - never mind. he listened closely, his heart pounding against his chest - fear? he was a little afraid, and his hands started to shake a little. the last few statements made him want to whimper, but he swallowed it, instead of letting it out.

no matter what anyone said, diamond knew he was gross and ugly. his face was a nightmare to look at, and the way he looked like a stick was just f-cking disgusting. no freaking wonder he's never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. sure, there were skinny-as-f-ck girls out there, but when you look at him - you just turn away in disgust. plus, he was a guy, and guys weren't supposed to be this skinny, even if they had an eating disorders. selfish. selfish son of a b-tch.

he pulled his knees back up, wrapping his arms around them. his cheeks burned, and he looked down when the other finally pulled away. he shook his head just slightly when ask apologized, gulping silently. he totally understood - he, himself, hated seeing people so sad or upset. it made his heart sink to the lowest depths. he buried his face back in his knees after wiping at his eyes, sniffling. he wanted to go back, so he could lie in that comfortable hotel bed. but at the same time, he just didn't want to move. his hands shook, and he was close to trembling. his stomach hurt like a motherf-cker, and he was just overall miserable. so instead of saying anything, he just didn't reply, sniffling again. it would get better.

it'll be alright.

( i'm officially dead. i've died twice, already. damn this ship. )[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]he was going to throw up again. he could feel it. he not only felt it in his stomach, but his eyes felt like they were sinking. they could only water more, and he shut his eyes tightly. his chest felt cloudy, and he was practically begging for someone to hold him - mentally. his mom, or even his dad, used to hold him and rock him when he cried and felt sick. they whisper sweet nothings into his ear, and rock him gently until he finally cried himself to sleep. then they'd carry him to their bed, put him down carefully in the middle, and they'd wrap their arms around him like they were trying to protect him from a falling beam. they did that till he moved out, actually - till he turned nineteen. it wasn't something he was ashamed of, because he knew everyone was weird in some way. and it made him feel better to know they cared so much that they didn't care how old he was - they'd still comfort him the best they could.

diamond didn't move or say anything when ash spoke and got up. he kept his face buried, and he stayed in the same position. he didn't say a single word. when he was far enough away, he finally lifted his head, and tears began to fall again. the faint calls were gone, and he hugging his legs to his chest impossibly closer, tighter. his bottom lip quivered, and his eyebrows furrowed to frown, though only for a moment. he couldn't hold his frown, and ended up trying to keep sobs back. he started trembling again, and he made a high pitched, strained noise. he clenched and un-clenched his jaw, and he swallowed a whimper at what felt like someone stabbing at his ribs with a knife. his heart beat fast, and pounded hard against his chest - which hurt more than it should have. he was such a... such a...

mess.

he was a big and utter mess.

a mess that no one could possibly clean up.

not even his parents. not even his un-blood related family.

and especially not himself.

after a few minutes, he finally got himself up to his feet, and wrapped his trembling arms around his body. he basically looked like he was freezing his ass off, in which case he really wasn't. it was the slightest bit hot outside, and he felt as if he were sweating - which of course, he was not. he slowly made his way down the only path, staring down at the ground. it took a few minutes for him to finally get back to where everyone else was, but he didn't bother to lift his head. he probably looked like a f-cking zombie.

the mess of a young vocalist made his way to the bus, completely ignoring everyone. when he stumbled his way inside, he didn't care to acknowledge anyone who might be in there. he just trudged his way to his bunk, and shakily slid in. he turned his back tot he open part of the bunk, and curled into the tightest ball he could - which wasn't very tight, considering he was trembling a bit too much. diamond sniffled, letting every single tear fall. right now, he'd rather lay here than in a hotel room, on more comfortable bed. he didn't feel like sharing a room with anyone.

he wanted to be alone.

but he needed to be held.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px transparent solid; width: 500px;]

[align=center][font=times new roman][size=8]he was a pretty heavy sleeper, to put it simply. he'd probably sleep through a hurricane, if there ever was one where he was. and because of his heavy sleeping, he always just barely made it on time for his classes. being the awkward guy he was, he'd always give the professor a weird smile, then take the first seat he saw. he didn't ever really pay attention in any class besides those of music. college was kind of like high school, only bigger and harder. the musical and artsy stuff weren't a problem, including writing. those were the only classes he took besides science and engineering classes. his dad wanted him to become an engineer, and his mom wanted him - she wanted him to do whatever his heart desired. his dad was an ass, really. he was so strict and mean, but art was the spitting image of his mother. which was a very good thing to all of them.

art wasn't really a quiet guy, but just really awkward. he tended to ramble when talking to someone, which earned him almost no friends at all. he didn't even care, though, seeing as to he was always off in his own little world, anyway. he was basically a child, on the inside. a very awkward, smart child. he could probably become a lawyer, an engineer, or hell - even a scientist. but his dream was to become a professional photographer and form a bandi just went there. he actually performed in small coffee shops, to help their business keep running, and even high schools - you know, for homecoming and prom, or just regular dances. he used to, anyway, before he went off to college.

believe it or not, but art was pretty popular back in high school. i mean, he could sing, play piano, and play both electric and acoustic guitar. how would he not be popular? ladies loved musical dudes, and other guys needed advice. college had a bit of a different atmosphere - there were many more people, which meant he didn't know more than three fourths of the people there. he obviously didn't mind, because he'd much rather have real friends than just a bunch of people to hang out with. there was a big difference - real and fake. just like reality and fantasy. he was, most of the time, just stuck in this fantasy of a world. he drew and painted the weirdest things, and watched the weirdest movies. he didn't watch television shows. movies were much better. but in the case of books and movies, books were much, much better. they had more detail, and he was one of those people who could picture everything, making a movie in his mind. it kept him amused.

the twenty-going-on-twenty-one year old groaned tiredly, turning so his back would be facing the wall. he opened his eyes and rubbed at them, watching his roommate walk out. sh-t. his eyes widened a bit, and he bounded from his bed to the bathroom. he skidded to a stop in front of the bathroom door, and turned back around. he quickly made his way back to his side of the room, and reached under his bed. he pulled out a duffle bag, then rummaged through its contents. he pulled out an of mice & men band t-shirt, a fresh pair of boxer briefs, and some black skinny jeans. what? he was thin and had girly legs. before you ask, yes, they were girl jeans. don't judge.

after he grabbed the clothes, he pushed the duffle bag back under the bed, got back up to his feet, and jogged back over to the bathroom. he turned the shower on, stripped from the previous night's clothing, threw his clothes onto the floor where they wouldn't get wet, and grabbed a towel. he put it over the shower and quickly stepped in, yelping as the icy droplets hit his sensitive skin. he turned the knob that made it colder and hotter, and his shoulders rested once the water was finally warm. he quickly washed his hair and his body, then turned it off. five minute shower - check. he dried his body off as much and as fast as he could, then pulled his choice of clothing on. he shook his head, not caring that the bathroom floor would get wet because of how he dried his hair. it'd dry, anyway.

art ruffled his hair, walking - or stumbling - over to the sink. he got his toothbrush out, then the toothpaste, and brushed his teeth. he raked his hair with one hand as he did so, then spit and rinsed his mouth once he was done brushing his teeth. jeez, talk about being rushed. the pale young man sprinted out of the bathroom, wiping at his face. he pulled on some socks and red, high-top converse, then reached under his bed again. he grabbed a beanie and pulled it over his head, brushing his hair out of his eyes. please don't be late. please don't be late.

he grabbed his bag, slung it over his left shoulder, and almost dropped his laptop as he sprinted out the door. maybe he would be a bit early this time - for him, anyway. he could only hope so.

project. damn, he totally forgot about that. he groaned silently, rolling his eyes. how was he supposed to do a partner project when he had no friends? everyone else would be excited with the person they were paired up with, but not him - he'd probably get paired up with some big, muscly jock. he might be six feet tall, but there were lots of guys who were taller than him - and way more intimidating. was he even intimidating the least bit? pfft, no.

( i used alex because i can. and he's just too cute to pass up. <3
don't judge me, i don't know how to spell 'duffle', even if it's not a word anyway...
and your post was gorgeous, love. <3 sorry 'bout this one, though. my posts'll get better, i promise! c:)

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px transparent solid; width: 400px;]
[font=times new roman][size=7pt]age
--> [shadow=black,left]eighteen-going-on-nineteen[/shadow]

[color=black]personality
[size=8]-->[/size] [shadow=black,left]by just looking at her pretty, porcelain face, you might think she is a sweet and innocent teenage girl. most people, at first glance, like to think she is vulnerable - how wrong they are. this girl is as stubborn as a mule, and if you tried flirting with her, you'd end up with a broken nose, or a black eye. her bright, piercing blue eyes sparkle in a way that makes her look innocent, which comes in handy. she can be very deceiving, and will usually win a fight by using her deceivingly innocent, sweet appearance.
naya isn't one to speak much, usually keeping her lips sealed. she will talk if you really get on her nerves, or spark her interest - which is highly unlikely. she has a high tolerance, you could say, and most people to her are stupid. now, she doesn't think she's the smartest girl in the world, and much less the most beautiful - but she knows that there are many more people who are dumb out there than smart. hence why she has a high tolerance, and nobody really ever sparks her interest.

naya is a tough girl, always denying that she's not okay. you can scratch her up as badly as you can without killing her, and she'd be perfectly fine - or so she says. you can call her names, tell her utterly negative things, and she'll brush them off - or so she shows on the outside. on the inside, there is a helpless, broken girl, who's crying out for someone to help her. she used to be so kind and sweet, but when her mother left and she never saw her again, she turned to a stone - cold and hard. she usually either has a blank expression, a concentrated expression, or an angered/annoyed expression on her face.

to simply put it, naya's a hard girl to crack - and hard-to-get.[/shadow]

( japan is perfectly fine with me! and i hope this seemed good enough. c:
by the way, i'm neverland. this is my main account. :3)

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]diamond sniffled silently, the tears finally washing away. he kept his eyes shut, trying to gather himself before he'd get up again. he'd have to brush his teeth, and splash his face with water so it wouldn't look like he was crying. he didn't mind his own band mates seeing him with tear tracks going from his eyes and down his cheeks, but the other guys? he'd end up going crazy, if they asked him any questions. he'd probably have another panic attack, in which he really did not need, at the moment - or ever, i mean.

he could hear the silent chatter of his band mates, and footsteps coming inside the bus. wonderful. he scooted closer to the wall of the bus behind his bunk, and turned over so his back would be against it. he opened his eyes when hearing a woman's voice - probably the same woman who came in and told ash that - he forgot what she said. she had some arrangements? damn, and they had to share rooms, too, and with someone from the other band. it would be best to, though, since they'd be touring together. though, diamond would be way more comfortable if he was roomed with freddie, jared, or preston. he knew them well - family well - and they knew how to handle his panic attacks and his baby-ness. he highly doubted that anyone else could deal with him.

he almost hit his head on the bottom of the bunk above him when hearing ash's name, then his, right after. no way. his eyes went wide, but not much wider, and his stomach did a few weird flips. it wasn't that he didn't like ash, but what is the other didn't like him? sure, he told him all those things back when they were practically hiding from their band mates, but... what if he just thought he was an annoying little b-tch kid, now?

he curled back up, and flinched when hearing another yell. his eye teared up, but he wiped at his eyes to make them go away. he sniffled silently, inaudible, and shifted a bit so he'd be more comfortable. he'd much, much rather stay in here, anyway. but he knew freddie, preston, nor jared would let him do that. they were like over protective big brothers. it could be amusing sometimes, especially when someone made him blush. the thought made a brief, faint smile etch its way across his face, though slowly faded back away.

freddie and jason. that's funny.

he didn't listen very closely, but he could obviously hear the woman and ash talking about what ash thought about it - him and diamond rooming together. he started fiddling his thumbs, sniffling once again. sure, it'd be more comfortable for him to be with one of his band mates, but he didn't want to hurt ash's feelings again. he didn't want to take a chance. though, the idea of sleeping in the bus seemed way better than anything - but he knew he wouldn't, and couldn't, do that.

when he heard his name being called for, he flinched again, and his stomach turned. he scrunched his face up a bit, but put on a smile - it was sad. why did it have to be sad? he wasn't going over there with a sad f-cking smile on his face. he wiped at his face, then forced himself to put on a small smile. please let the tears tracks be gone. they more than likely were, but he could feel his eyes were still red a puffy. amazing. he could probably pass it off as just rubbing at them too much. yeah, that was an old trick, but it would probably work. it's not like anyone should care.

his hair fell into his eyes as he looked down, sliding out of the bunk. he nervously fixed his beanie, his bare feet making not a single sound on the floor of the bus. he chewed on his lip, sniffling silently. he slowly looked back up, not bothering to push his hair out of his face.

"yeah?"

( you moderfoder bedder shuddup. your posts are bootiful, no madder whad! )[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px transparent solid; width: 400px;]
[font=times new roman][size=7pt][color=#f0f8ff]"you're fast, but you can't hide forever!"
the teen furrowed her eyebrows, peering around the tree she was hiding behind, she had a pistol and a glock in her belt - and, believe it or not, a blue light saber - and a bow and some arrows on her back. she took her bow from the tall bag which held the arrows, and took one of the arrows with it. she got it positioned, then finally stepped out from her hiding spot. she shot the arrow, and it went right where she'd planned it to go - in the woman's foot. her eyebrows were slightly furrowed, but showed no emotion. she quickly sprinted off, only glancing behind her. her mouth was agape, though just a little, as she turned her head back around. she skidded to a stop, and for once in a very long while, she smiled.

naya stepped through the portal, and looked around the place. it was beautiful, with blossoms growing on trees. she quickly made her way to a tree, her smile fading as she watched people walk into a building she'd seen before. she stood beside a tree, knowing no one could see her. she leaned against its trunk, and took an apple from out of the small bag around her skinny waist. she took a bite out of it, putting her bow back in the bag on her back. she pushed a few strands of midnight blue hair out of her eyes with long, porcelain fingers. her ankles were crossed as she watched the many teens pass by, taking another bite of the delicious apple in her gloved hand. her fingers still showed, but the rest of her hands were completely covered, as were her forearms. she finally got a break from that world she lived in.

( ha ha, sorry to give you that little fright. ^.^ and i hope this wasn't too bad of a post. c: )

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]the looks he got from his band mates made him frown a little, though only for a brief moment - he just couldn't frown for more than two seconds. he only glanced over at ash, frowning briefly once again at his expression. what did he even care? once again, they barely knew each other. all they knew was each other's names, band names, positions, and that they were both sensitive. he could understand why his band mates would be looking at him like that, but ash? no. he shouldn't care that much as to actually frown, when he saw he was pained. or knew he was pained, for that matter. he was glad no one else seemed to notice anything wrong. it made his shoulders relax a little, but his smile drooped.

diamond nodded his head at what the woman said - she seemed a bit too happy, to him. he was kind of jealous of her, how she was so happy. it was like she didn't have a single care in the world, and diamond could only wish that's what he thought about the world. f-ck the world and the haters out there, yes, but he had those nightmares, and the self-hatred, and all that good stuff. he fixed his beanie again, then when everyone seemed preoccupied, he pulled his beanie down do it'd cover his eyes and nose. he tilted his head up, and sat himself on the ground. he had nothing else better to do than just sit and wallow in his own sea of insecurity and self-consciousness; at the moment.

he crossed his legs so he'd be sitting indian style, then lied down. he huffed silently, taking his beanie off. he placed it on top his face, and kept one hand on it. the other was clutching the fabric of his tank top, arm wrapped around his now skinnier torso - when you lied down, you always got skinnier in the stomach. once again, he had zoned out, and he was off to that little world of his again. his eyes were closed, and he could have fallen asleep if it weren't for freddie, who kept poking his leg with his foot. diamond muttered a 'stop it' under his breath, but didn't move from his position, which was comfortable, to him.

when he actually stopped, diamond opened his eyes. he frowned, taking the beanie off his face. did ash just say he didn't know what a birthday was?

he knew there was something up with that guy - he just couldn't put his finger on it.

and now, he was finally getting some answer - some. he listened closely, his eyebrows still furrowed. he stared at the ceiling, rubbing at his eyes a bit too hard. he only grunted silently, wiggling around a little. he didn't know what a birthday was. hmm. he knew damn well russians celebrated birthdays - who didn't? so why didn't this guy know what a birthday was?

when someone finally explained it to him, he glanced over to ash from where he lay on the ground. diamond didn't like cake, either. he absolutely hated frosting - it was gross, and it made him want to throw up at just the name of it being spoken.

and he didn't like parties, either. well, diamond could see why. he wouldn't recommend a party, or going to one, unless it was with your closest friends - and maybe fans and other bands. it just depended on his mood.

diamond's eyebrows raised, almost shooting up from his position. but he stayed lying on the ground, only listening and staring back up at the ceiling. he didn't know when his birthday was? that was worse than not knowing what a birthday is. he flinched when someone yelled, his expression going back to being sad.

he flinched again, after only seconds, when ash interrupted in an annoyed voice - or what he thought to be annoyed. he didn't have parents? more like he didn't know who they were, of course. everyone had parents, but not everyone knew who they were. and it was sad, especially knowing a guy like ash didn't know who his parents were. he was about to get up, but then ash started to talk again, after another asked him that stupid question.

diamond could feel his eyes watering, and he slowly sat himself up. he pulled his beanie on and over his eyes, then stood up and walked back over to his bunk when no one was looking. poor ash. he just wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay, being the guy he was. he liked to think everyone deserved to know who their real parents were, and to have their special day. not knowing when your birthday is means you just count yourself a year older on every new year's day. or just decided on a day of your own. it was really depressing to think about it - how there were people out there who never knew, and never would know, who their parents were, or when their birthday was.

diamond knew there was still something else to this ash character.

there was something else besides not knowing his birth date, or his birth parents.

there was something else - and he just knew it must be dark.

and it made him sick to his stomach - which growled. again.

he yawned and curled back up in the bunk of his, hugging himself. his shoulders were tense, though, afraid to fall asleep. he knew he'd have the same nightmare again - he was already going to throw up anytime, now. he didn't need to throw up right after he woke up - again. that'd be the fourth time, today. dammit, he still needed to brush his teeth.

when he heard the others file out of the bus, he got up, fixing his beanie so it wouldn't be covering his eyes. he didn't care to push his hair out of the way, out of habit and self-consciousness. he trudged into the bathroom, actually shutting the door behind him. instead of walking to the sink, he walked to the toilet, and sat on the ground beside it. the lids were still up, so he just sat there and waited. he closed his eyes, taking the beanie off his head, just in case. he didn't need it to fall into the toilet of f-cking vomit.

after a few moments, he gripped both sides of the toilet, and hung his head over it. he sniffled, made a silent, strained noise.

nothing came out.

and he wasn't about to stick his fingers down his throat.

so he just waited, eyes watering again. he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

it'll be alright. it'll be alright.

it'll be alright.

and it finally came out. his eyes shut tightly, letting the tears flood out of his eyes.

instead of thinking about his own well-being, he could only think about poor ash.

poor ash.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt]( my hands smell like cheesecake... )

when he heard knocking on the door, he flinched, making him cough a little. he let out a tiny noise, panting every time he got a moment to actually breathe. he gripped the sides of the toilet tighter, his knuckles turning white. why couldn't this have waited till everyone was out of the bus? except for him, obviously. he didn't want to hear anyone's pity, or sympathy. he didn't want anyone to tell him it was going to be okay, because it wasn't. it was never going to be okay. this would happen until the day he died, and no one could stop that. no one could save him, now. no one could ever save him from these dark, gloomy days. no one could stop the reoccurring nightmare.

he was a torn page in a book of misery, and even with tape, no one could truly fix him.

he was a piece of glass from a broken mirror - if you weren't careful, he could hurt you.

now he understood why his name is what it is.

diamond. a broken, sharp diamond. he might have been a precious gem once, but now he's covered in blood, where people tried to pick him up. no matter how many times he's picked up, with people sacrificing blood, he'll always end up back on the ground. he might have the support of his fans, and he might be happy - but everyone has that secret dark side to them. some just showed it, unintentionally, more than others. offstage, in his case.

[color=silver]please, i'm begging you
wake me up, and take me away
somewhere that we can both feel safe
i'm trapped in this nightmare
and i've taken you with me
i'm so sorry, love
but you'll have to forgive me

diamond flinched when hearing a loud noise of metal hitting floor, holding his grumbling stomach. he mentally told it to shut the hell up, tears falling without his consent. he didn't - couldn't - look up at who he knew to be ash coming into the bathroom. his head swam, and he swayed a little - just barely. this was just another nightmare. he'd wake up soon, and he'd be sweating in the comfort of a hotel bed. everything would be fine, but it wouldn't. he tried convincing himself this moment wasn't real, but it felt way too real for it not to be.

he needed to stop this. mother nature needed to stop being a b-tch. if he didn't get some food in his system without puking it up, heaven knows what could happen. and then he'd go calling himself selfish, and all that sh-t. they'd say he wasn't selfish, and that he couldn't help it. that's what his band mates always told him. "it's not your fault, princess." "shut up, and listen to me. you can't help it, so stop putting yourself down." but it'd only make everything worse. no matter what anyone said to him, it'd always make things worse. it didn't matter who you were - if you said anything, it was just bound to make things so much f-cking worse.

[color=silver]it's like a disease
everything i can't control
it wraps me in its warm embrace
and i can't help but call it my home

when he heard his footsteps coming closer, and he sat down beside him, let out a silent sob, coughed, then went on with it all. his grip loosened when the other began to sing in what he knew to be russian, letting out silent sobs here and there. he was so sweet, and all diamond could do was say 'thank you'. actually, scratch that - all he could do was make him feel bad with his crying and his vomiting. he couldn't even say a simple thank you for being such a nice guy to him.

then he started it in english, and he really wished he could just stop. not ash - himself. he wanted to stop, but the whole universe was freaking against him. maybe not all the people, but the universe itself. what had he ever done to anyone? oh, right - he couldn't help most anyone without making matter worse. i guess he did deserve at least some of what he got. he thought so, anyway. and, again, no matter what anyone said, he knew it was true. he was just stubborn, like that.

[color=silver]you say that everything will be okay
but it's not, and it never will be
you might pick me up
but i'm still a glass shard
and you'll drop me back down
but you never leave, you stay with me
in this nightmare i call my home

when he felt his hand being taken in another, his shoulders relaxed a little. his hand shook, the other grabbing the side of the toilet again, gripping it tightly. the singing didn't help much, but even the littlest bit was enough. after a few moments, he finally stopped, and he was left panting with one hand holding tightly onto the other's. he trembled reached his free hand out to grab the mouthwash from ash's hand. he quickly opened it, then grabbed ash's hand again. he sipped a large amount into his mouth, swished it around, then spit it out. he did this a couple more times, then finally put it on the ground beside the toilet. he put the cap back on, though didn't twist it shut. he almost knocked it over, so he decided to just leave it.

he gulped silently, finally resting his shoulders. he was so tired, and really needed some rest. the day was coming to an end, anyway. he let out a silent sob as the other began to speak, sniffling every few moments. he let out a few coughs, silent sobs escaping his mouth, tears flooding down his flushed face. he didn't want his 'void' filled. ash well deserved for his 'void' to be filled. no one could really fix what they did in the past. being stubborn wasn't such a great thing, sometimes. this time, he was just too tired to fight. so he didn't say anything, still a silent sobbing mess. he lightly squeezed the other's hand, shifting so he'd be leaning against the wall. he let his hair fall into his eyes, wiping at his mouth before covering his face, head hanging low.

well. the tour was off to a wonderful start.

( ugh, the freaking feels... *^*
key ;;
silver & italicized - my own horrible lyrics
bolded & italicized - ptv's beautiful lyrics that actually make sense )[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( aw, thanks. you have no idea how much that actually means to me. i'm starting a band and shiz, so yeah. c:
pfft, your posts are always wonderful. i literally squeal when i see you've replied. x3 )

he nodded his head, though it was barely noticeable. his shoulders continued to shake, and he removed his hand from his face when he heard ash's name being called. freddie and the other knew to give him some time, though not too much. one time, because they waited too long, diamond got so mad at himself for looking gross that he actually shoved his fingers down his throat. he ended up throwing things at the other members when they tried to help him. he barely remembered it, or at least denied that he did remember. he just didn't want to remember it. every time he thought about it, he'd end up where he started - throwing up and sobbing. but he'd had enough of the throwing up, and thankfully, his stomach finally agreed just to settle on just giving his pains.

he went cold, and he started to tremble once more, when the other's hand left his. he brought his knees up to his chest, and reluctantly looked up at ash. he chewed on his lower lip, trying to hold in the silent sobs. he stared right back into those bright eyes of his, letting out a silent sob before harshly biting on his lip, closing his eyes, shut tightly. his shoulders tensed and then began to shake again when ash kissed his forehead. was he leaving? of course he was - he didn't want to tell diamond the truth. that he was too gross to hang around. nobody wanted to hang out with someone who vomited all of the freaking time. not even the sweetest of people did. not ash, or freddie, or jared, or even preston - who was almost way too over protective of the whole group, especially diamond. they were all hiding it, and he knew it.

diamond listened to him, though not very closely. would he even remember that number. damn, he already forgot it. five hundred something. maybe it would say on the card he'd get? or maybe he'd remember it in a little bit. hopefully he did, otherwise he'd be sleeping out in the bus. not that he minded, but he wouldn't get any sleep. he'd just stay up all night, doing absolutely nothing. hell, he'd probably just be sitting in the bathroom the whole time. he doubted anyone would come out to get him, but that was perfectly fine with him. he put his hand on his head, which was now covered with his beanie. this was probably one of the worst days of his entire existence. well, besides the day he was born, i guess. everyone thought he was dead when he came out into the world. it took him twenty minutes just to start crying. he was barely two pounds. two pounds. f-cking high metabolism.

he looked down at ash shut the door and walked off and out the bus, pulling his beanie so his eyes would be covered, after his hair fell back in his face. he buried his face in his knees, hugging his legs. he just sat there, trembling, with tears running down his sick-looking face. his gross face.

503. that was the room number. 503. 503. 503.

he pushed himself up, pulling his beanie off, then pulled it back on. his right eyes was fully covered, and a few strands of hair covered his left eyes. he stumbled his way out the bathroom, and to his bunk. he knelt down, and shakily searched for a hoodie that didn't zip up. he took his tank top off, then looked down at himself. "gross..."

he shook his head and sniffled, wiping at his eyes once he stopped his sobbing. his breaths were shaky, and tears would fall every few moments. he finally found a hoodie and pulled it on over his head after taking his beanie off. his pants seemed to sag even more as he stood, pulling his beanie back on his head. he sniffled as he walked out of the bus, not grabbing anything - not even his shoes. his hands were shaking, so what was the point? his eyes hurt, his stomach hurt - his everything hurt. his f-cking hurt hurt. he let out a cough as he stepped out of the bus, and headed to the hotel. he didn't spare a glance at the goofballs who were playing off to the side, and the other one who looked bummed and annoyed. he just walked right into the hotel, giving a sad, shaky smile to the lady behind the desk. when she looked up at him, her once bright, welcoming smile faded. he sighed and shook his head, told her his name, and she gave him a card.

"sir? are you alright?"

"i'm fine, thank you." his voice was a bit raspy, and utterly silent. he knew she didn't believe him, but what did it matter? he made his way tot he room he would be staying in - with ash. awesome.

his stomach turned as he opened the door, and hesitated before stepping inside. he finally stumbled his way to the bed that was farthest from the door, and plopped down, face first. he turned his head so he could breathe, eyes closed. he opened his eyes for a moment, though his hair was in the way, so he just closed them again. he didn't want to move. at all.

he was f-cking tired.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( aw, thank you. <3 well, duh. we'll probably become awesome friends, and you'll get to go on tours with us - so you get in to every concert free!!! yay! x3 )

his breathing was finally back under control, and he took a deep breath. he sniffled, arms at his sides, one leg bent and the other straight. the position wasn't very comfortable, but he was literally too tired to move. he was exhausted from what the day brought. he was just glad it was finally coming to an end. he knew very well he'd throw up when he woke up, if he slept, which got him wondering if he should purposely stay up. something told him to just rest, anyway, because he obviously needed it. but that was the thing - he couldn't just tell himself to sleep, and he'd be able to sleep. he wasn't the one who controlled whether he slept or not - it was his mind.

his mind had a f-cking mind of its own.

he never meant for everything to be so obvious. i mean, he looked sick, and he always walked around in a weird way. most people decided to ignore it, or just didn't see it, which he was thankful for. but i guess there were still people out there - freddie, jared, preston, and ash - who could plainly see it. and he really hated that. hearing their little 'speeches', no matter how much he denied it, aggravated him. he didn't want to hear all of the same sh-t from all these different people. "i can fix you." "it'll all be okay." "you are not gross and ugly - you're beautiful."

just shut the hell up. shut. up.

after a minute or two, he heard ash's voice and furrowed his eyebrows. right. like eh was going to get any sleep. without puking when he woke up an hour later, anyway. he was drained enough, and either way, he was going to be even more drained the next day. but it'd probably be best if he just stayed up the whole night. he'd be more drained if he woke up from an hour 'sleep' and ran to the bathroom than just not sleeping at all, and waiting for everyone else to wake up. he did that a lot, nowadays, anyway. not sleeping wasn't really a problem for him unless the day was spent puking his guts out. but he'd much rather lose sleep then lose more of the life he barely had.

diamond let out a grunt, finally gaining a little strength to at least push himself up into a sitting position. he sat on his knees, leaning forward as he hugged himself. he hung his head, keeping his eyes closed. then he decided he was too weak to get up, so he plopped back down on his side, and let his limbs go wherever they did. and he waited. his heavy eyelids wouldn't let him open his eyes, so he just waited. his weak body wouldn't let him even sit up, so he waited. he just waited for himself to go to sleep. just go to sleep.

and after a few moments, just like that he was asleep.

the water was cold; colder than the razor he had pressed against his skin, where no one else would see. his toes curled, and a faint smile etched its way across his lips. he stepped in a little further, then took a few more steps, and a few more, till he was waist deep in the water. it felt good - the icy cold water against his sensitive skin. his baggy skinny jeans were rolled up, but only just above the middle of his shins, and just below his knees. he had on a tank top, and he shivered as the cold air bit at his, again, sensitive skin. it always seemed to be autumn, didn't it?

diamond walked in a little deeper, teeth chattering inside his closed mouth. his lips were chapped, and he looked sickly - as per usual. he wasn't too far in, considering he was really short, but the water was above his waist. he could hear talking, but he didn't pay attention to exactly how close the voices were.

he was fourteen.

when he ducked underwater, he held his breath and opened his eyes, though squinted them. he made himself sit down, and successfully stayed that way. he shut his eyes tightly, trembling under the surface of the icy water. the voices got louder, and the footsteps got faster. he panicked, and let the breath go. he coughed and held his neck with one of his hands, then let the water seep into his mouth.

that's what he wanted.

he just wanted to get away.

but they had to pull him out - those strangers had to pull him out.

why did they pull him out?

when he woke up, diamond was trembling, suddenly cold. maybe it was just the room - hotel were pretty cold, right? or was that just hospitals? he got himself to curl up, and he took the beanie off his head, and threw it by his feet. he wrapped his arms around his knees, and hid his face. he never did that. did he? did he have those scars? if he did, he surely forgot about them a long time ago. or, maybe it was just now. he told everyone, so - or maybe that's the only part he didn't tell. more than likely. it sounds like him.

and what was with him and drowning, and icy water? he can now say that drowning, whether it be intentionally or unintentionally, is his absolute worst fear.

dammit. he was going to throw up.

but he didn't want to get up until he absolutely had to.

he didn't want to bother ash, if he was still awake.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[justify][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; height: auto; width: 300px;]
[font=georgia][sup]another guy who was more than likely younger than me, who was taller than me. i was just freaking short, and sometimes it annoyed me a little. sure, there were girls my age who were as short as me, but that was because they were short, too. it seemed to amuse my lovely band mates, as well as a lot of the fans - i guess being short wasn't all too bad. the guys would give me piggyback rides all the time, even if i didn't give them any. they'd probably break me - literally. i might have some muscle, but i've carried the weight of a person before. we both ended up on the ground with a few bruises, and i promised myself i was never going to do that again. it wasn't that it was embarrassing, i just didn't want anyone getting hurt. and i really didn't feel like getting snapped in half. worst way to day, for me - being snapped in half, trying to carry someone.

i raised my eyebrows when he paused, letting out a huff of a laugh. of course. i was going to walk back over to dan and scare the living sh-t out of him, but i guess that could wait. i swear, i'd seen this guy somewhere, before. i just couldn't remember, and it was really gnawing at me. his hair and his eyes - i'd definitely seen him somewhere, before. and his voice was a little familiar, too, but i still couldn't put my finger on it. and i bet any of the other three would know who he was just by taking a single glance at him. i didn't have the best memory when it came to remembering faces - and names. wow, i was rally horrible with remembering names. i'd call nate, jillian, for whatever reason, sometimes. and then i'd call dan, ronnie - don't ask why. i know they're totally different names. my brain is a bit f-cked up, i guess.

i just shrugged my shoulders, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my skinny jeans. i'll never get over the fact that they were for girls. hey, at least i wasn't the only one - austin carlile had girl legs, too, and he wears girl skinny jeans. and, just like me, they're still baggy. i guess it was kind of amusing - to some people, at least. i never really found it to be funny, but you know, it's whatever. i freaking hated it when people said that. just like swag and sh-t. yolo was okay, though it kind of wasn't true for stereotypical zombies; even though they weren't real. in reality.

don't judge me, i know i'm a freak. my mind, again, is just a little f-cked up. it was a fact, too. who would - never mind. i'm not telling you about that. it's not as bad as you're thinking it is, but it's really embarrassing. i honestly don't care, but dan, kelly and nate? pfft, they could be bigger babies than me, sometimes, which was really saying something. i guess i wasn't that big of a baby, but i did bruise pretty easily. it sucked big time. one time, i just tripped over my feet, and my arms, hands and wrists hurt for, like, a whole freaking week. but not my legs, surprisingly. they were perfectly fine. i guess - i say that a lot, don't i? yeah.

the silence was awkward, and it was killing me. why was i even still standing there? the thought of having seen him somewhere, i guess. for crying out loud, there i go again. i looked around before finally realizing who he was. before you ask, yes, i watch a ton of youtube videos. they're really fun to watch - they crack me up every time. everything seemed funnier to me than to other people, though, which only made me laugh harder. hilarious, really.

"hey, i know you. you're uh... dammit. you have you're own youtube channel, right?" i raised my eyebrows, giving him a soft smile as i fixed my beanie again. i swear, if he freaked out, i'd run away. far, far away. sometimes i just couldn't stand all the fan-girling and fan-boying. it got scary, you know. i don't even think you want to know, so don't ask. some pretty weird sh-t's happened, and most of it i just pretend not to remember. i was good at pretending, if i do say so myself. i could fake anger and sadness, and even happiness. i rarely faked happiness, though, because i was almost always happy-go-lucky. it was funny how the guys couldn't ever tell if i wasn't kidding around or not. i'd get a laugh out of that, every time, and i was glad they didn't kill me, because of it. they were laid back guys, and they just laughed along with me, though definitely not as hard. i told you - everything was funnier to me than to other people.

( i'm neverland, by the way. this is my main account. c: )

[fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px transparent solid; width: 500px;]

[align=center][font=times new roman][size=8]he groaned silently when the professor began to babble on, not paying attention at all he took out a sharpie from his backpack, and started doodling all over his laptop - which already consisted of many doodles, ranging from band lyrics and logos, to just plain random things. raked his hair with his free hand, chewing on the inside of his cheek. he propped his elbow up on the table, and rested his head in the palm of his hand to support his neck. he'd only just gotten here, and it felt like he'd been here for hours. that was just him, though - he got bored pretty easily.

he soon drifted off into his won little world, a faint smile etching across his face. he scrunched his face up briefly at the smell the marker made, but only huffed out a laugh at himself. he wrote a few lyrics from one of his own songs, 'glass doll', in neat cursive. his handwriting was usually mistaken as a girl's. he took it as a compliment, considering most girls had beautiful handwriting. even his print could be mistaken for a girl's writing. in high school, his teachers used to ask him if he had someone do his essays and such for him, because of his handwriting. since they were still suspicious after he told them he didn't, they'd get all the girls in the class and ask them if they had done art's work for him. it was really amusing to him, and it seemed to be amusing to others, too. and don't even get me started with the arts class. the music class was a bit different, because he obviously couldn't have someone sing for him and just pass it off as himself. that was a bit impossible. though he did get accused of lip syncing, one time, and by one of the students. ha! why would he lip sync if he hated it?

he almost messed up when hearing the other students rising from their seats and walking. wow, that was actually pretty short of a class time. he just shrugged his shoulders, and went back to what he was doing. until he heard someone clear their throat, and turned his gaze over to blake. he gave him a nod; a slight, single upward motion. he wasn't trying to be cool, or anything. it was just out of habit. he'd picked it up from one of his friends back in high school, and it never died off. it's not like it mattered, but he could at least have said a greeting back at him. he looked back down at his laptop, biting on the end of the sharpie. he nodded his head at the other's words, eyes scanning over the doodles. some of them were a bit faded, but that's because he'd had this laptop for almost two and a half years, now. it was a really good laptop, and he sure wasn't going to sell it or throw it away, any time soon.

art almost flinched when the other started speaking again, hanging his head in annoyance. okay, so he could get annoyed pretty easily, but it was only when he was trying to think. he took a deep breath and lifted his head back up, turning it in blake's direction. the library was definitely better than anywhere else. to him, books were a better source than any other. computers held lies and opinions - not enough facts. books might not always be true - nonfiction, is what we're talking about right now - but more of them were true than not. plus, as said before, art loved to read. he'd check out ten books at a time, and read and finish one each day. sure, he had some 'homework', but there was always time to read. that's what the night was for - the later time of night. he usually got everything done before nine at night. unless it was a project, of course.

wait - did he miss something? why was blake asking him - oh, right. partners. i guess they were partners, huh? this day couldn't possibly get any weirder - or he thought, anyway. he had no idea how weird this day would actually get. he blinked his eyes a few harsh times, then rubbed at them. he put the cap back on the sharpie, sniffling silently. why were they still in here? they could just walk out and 'talk and walk'. he shrugged it off, not really caring, anyway. he had to return a few library books he'd checked out, and he wanted to get that done before he did anything else. so, he gave a smile over to blake, grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.

"library it is. books are better than technology." the last part wasn't really meant to be heard by the other, muttering the words under his breath. he pulled his sleeves back down, and fixed the beanie on his head. he grabbed his laptop and stood up, then walked a few feet away. he turned around, smiling a sweet smile. "coming?" his voice was softer than silk, and held this sort of sweetness to it. he began walking backward, though at a painfully slow pace. he stuffed his free hand - the one that was holding on to his laptop - into a pocket of his skinny jeans, tensing his shoulders so his backpack wouldn't fall down. this was going to be fun.

( //huggles you back// honesty is key! <3

speaking of key:

bolded and italicized = my own horrible songs/lyrics.
italicized and in black = atl's songs/lyrics, because i suck. c: )

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]( it's fine, darling! i totally understand! seriously... i really do. this was super duper freaking rushed. *^* )

when he finally opened his eyes, he groaned when not seeing ash in his bed sleeping. of course he was awake. he took a few deep breaths, and moved to sit up. he just needed to take a breather was all. yeah, that's all he needed. he'd be fine in a little bit, and he'd be able to lie back and relax for the rest of the night - or early morning - till the others woke up. maybe they'd even take a swim. that was sure to help him feel better, by at least a little bit.

the thought of water made his stomach turn, and he held it, wrapping his arms around himself as tightly as he could - as if that would take the pain away. he leaned forward, putting his feet on the ground. he tried thinking of other things to get his mind off of the pain in his stomach, and it seemed to work for a few moments. but he couldn't keep his mind on one thing, and it only made things worse - even when he tried helping himself, he only made things worse.

he wouldn't do it. no. ash was probably in the bathroom, and he wasn't about to go running in there. what if the door was locked, anyway? diamond's stomach grumbled, and he slowly got to his feet. maybe, this time, food would do him some good. there were vending machines out in the hallways. but, sh-t, he left his wallet in his duffel bag in the bus. and the thought of food sent him straight to the bathroom. thankfully, the door was unlocked - and it wasn't one of those stupid automatic locking doors like the one for the bathroom in the bus. which was broken, now.

he casually walked to the toilet, keeping his eyes closed. he lifted both lids up, and gripped one side of the toilet with one hand. the other arm was wrapped around his stomach, and he sat on his knees as he waited. dammit, diamond. you're disturbing ash's peace - and his privacy.

he finally gagged, though just slightly. after a few more times, and a few more moments had passed, he finally elevated himself enough so puke wouldn't get anywhere else but inside the toilet. before it started, he had muttered a silent 'sorry' to ash, eyes watering like they always did.

this week couldn't possibly get any worse.

and what - this was his fourth time today? or - you know what i mean.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: cambria; font-style: italic; font-size: 21px; margin-bottom: -13px; letter-spacing: 0px; text-align: center][color=black]i promise you my heart just promise to sing[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=; bordercolor=; borderwidth=0px; font-family: arial; font-style: regular; font-size: 13px; margin-bottom: -0px; letter-spacing: 2px; text-align: center][color=grey][sup]kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep[/fancypost]
[align=center][fancypost bgcolor=transparent; border: 0px inset transparent; height: 300px; width: 380px; overflow: auto; cursor: url(http://media.tumblr.com/8b36bd…ine_mpr86h70HK1r6qyth.png), auto;][justify][font=cambria][sup][size=7pt][color=black]he was totally intruding, and he felt so bad. but he couldn't have just held it in, y'know? and he definitely did not want to vomit on the floor - the perfectly good, soft, carpeted floor. i mean, sure, it wouldn't be his fault, really, but he'd blame it on himself. he'd end up saying so many 'sorry's' he'd end up sounding mentally ill. how he kept himself from going insane was truly a great wonder. or, maybe, it wasn't. music was his life - or lifeline, i should say. he had two, actually - music and his family. his family including his band mates and all the fans. they were the only things keeping him alive.

diamond just didn't care anymore. he was tired of all this - the nightmares, the 'hiding', the panic attacks, the 'gross and ugly'. from now on, he decided he'd just let it all happen. he didn't care anymore. he knew once he got on that stage, he'd be perfectly fine, and that was enough. he might not be okay off the stage, but on the stage was like a beautiful dream - not a horrifying nightmare. he hated this, but he knew he couldn't do anything about it. so why even try? there was no absolute reason for him to try and stop it - it was highly impossible, anyway. there was no hope. only love. but i guess that was enough, for him.

hope was lost to him, now.

there were few tears falling from his eyes, but he wasn't sobbing or anything. he was acting pretty calm about it, actually. there was no expression on his face, only scrunching it up a little. he payed no mind to anything, and he was lost in his own little world that consisted of nothing. it was all black - there was nothing but him and the darkness consuming him. instead of feelings heavy-chested, it felt like he was floating in the air. his arms shook, barely able to keep himself up so he would purge everywhere. his legs trembled, but he wasn't paying any attention.

what was he paying attention to? everyone was always paying attention to at least something, right?

no. he wasn't pay attention to literally everything. not the trembling, not the sick feeling, not the darkness.

nothing. he was paying attention to nothing. that paying attention to something, right?

once he stopped, he almost fell backwards, though caught himself in time. he blinked hard a few times, sniffling. he spit into the toilet, then flushed. he crawled his way over tot he sink, then pulled himself up with the support of the edges. he sniffled, wiping at his tired eyes. he searched around for mouthwash, almost dropping it when he found it. they had mouthwash in hotels? maybe it was just this one. hell, he was just glad they had some. if they didn't - well, he wouldn't have cared, but he'd go back tot he bus. he'd probably end up sleeping in there, too, too tired - he'd never admit it, but weak - to walk one more step.

diamond rinsed his mouth with the liquid, turning the fuacet on as he spit it back out. he did that a few times, then turned the faucet off, and grabbed the small towel that was on the side of the sink. he wiped his mouth, put it back, and used the wall for support while walking to the door.

"i'm... sorry."

he stopped for a second, sniffled, right eye invisible under his hair as he looked down. he started walking again, and shut the door behind him. he flinched when hearing a soft knock on the door, then his name being said. "diamond? you in there?" it was freddie, obviously. he could tell by his soothing, angelic voice, and the way his canadian accent was so evident. he sniffled once more before stumbling over to his bed, grabbing his beanie. he pulled it on his head, fixing it so his hair would stay the way it was now - with his right eye covered, and hair falling into his face.

the vocalist walked slow, trying not to stumble. when he opened the door, he gave a small, sad and shaky smile to the other. freddie instantly walked inside, without any warning, and shut the door behind him. "are you okay?" he put his hands on either of diamond's cheeks, and diamond reached his hands up to gently grab freddie's wrists. "i'm fine. go get some -" his voice cracked, and he took his hands away from his wrists. freddie pushed his hair out of his face, staring straight into his eyes.

"no you're not. you had a nightmare, didn't you?" diamond's stomach turned at the memory, furrowing his eyebrows for a moment. he didn't answer, instead just walking over to his bed, at an utterly slow pace. he plopped down on the bed with a pained groan, rolling onto his stomach. "how many times, today? or - you know what i mean."

"freddie, leave me alone. please."

"no! how many times, diamond?!" diamond flinched, and his eyes watered.

freddie had never yelled at him, before. none of them had. and freddie instantly rushed over to him, pulling him up and giving him a hug. "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. you know i love you, okay?"

diamond wrapped his arms around the other, resting his head on his shoulder. "i know." he whispered, sniffling. freddie let out a silent sigh, making diamond sit on his lap, curled up. "four. i think."

freddie almost started to cry himself. he and diamond were literally best buddies - closer than brothers. the drummer was the most protective over him, and would kill someone if they hurt diamond in any way. except for diamond himself, of course. it wasn't his fault anyway.

oh, but if he knew about those scars that not even diamond knew about until he had that dream - he'd go insane.[/fancypost]

[align=center][font=arial][sup][size=7pt][color=lightblue](c) endless.
#ashesofneverland

[align=center][font=times new roman][size=8]i stuck out my tongue, biting on it as i continued to write. i had flipped to a new page, the other one i was writing not really... satisfying me. i was about to start on a knew one, but my mind decided i'd draw a little bit. i started sketching a huge willow tree - and i mean huge. it was going off the page, though the page was pretty small. i wouldn't call the notebook mini, but rather a medium size, i guess. i was barely half done with the willow tree before i started sketching out a girl under it, with her legs bent, face buried in her knees. before i finished her, i drew a small little thing beside her, which was supposed to be a photograph.

i chewed on my lower lip, furrowing my eyebrows when cyr nudged me again. jeez, what was it this time? i looked over to him with a heavy sigh, frowning. i had an annoyed expression on my face, and i crossed my arms. "what?" my tone was sassy, and he held in a laugh while he held his hands up. "never mind. never mind." i rolled my eyes, then went right back to sketching the sad girl under the willow tree. after a few moments, i finally drifted back off into my own world, a faint smile etching its way across my face. eegh. the only thing i liked about my face were my eyes.

i continued chewing on my lower lip, eyes furrowed in concentration. i glanced up when demi - when did he leave the table? probably when i was still outside. or i just didn't notice him get up. why did it even matter? it didn't. my mind was all over the place, and i almost screwed up the whole sketch when i shivered. yes, i shivered. i do that, form time to time, and for no reason. it just happens, okay? i couldn't really help it, and if i could, i really would - believe me. it was one of the stupidest quirks ever, and i wished i didn't have it. i wasn't cold. it was freaking annoying when people asked me if i was okay, and if i was cold, when i shivered. how about you check the weather?

( d'aw, thanks so much! it means a lot! STARTING MY OWN BAND YAY
is silver alright? if so, i'll use italics and the color silver for bvb's songs. c: )