Posts by Brokenfoot

Traits: I am a a thick furred tom with lively eyes and a round face with a snub nose. I can be really rude and put my foot in my mouth a lot, but no matter what, my heart is in the right place.

History: My mother was killed by a mountain lion.

Traits: I am a a shaggy furred she-cat with mysterious eyes and a limp of the right front leg. I am a bit naive, but I have a way of being two steps ahead of most other cats.

History: My mother was killed by a cat from RiverClan.

Sure- i would be happy to. What do you want to improve first?
Character Personality
Book-like grammar
Plot
Describing a scene

Can I have a sample of your role-play please? Any character is fine. :)

If you want our clans can be allies/enimies. My clan is RidgeClan, a link is in the description. I think that their weakness should be that they are not very quiet and are sort of clumsy because they never had a chance to practice being quiet in regular grass.

"Hawkpaw? Would you mind checking around camp and cleaning up the Clans wounds? I am sorry but Riddlesong is a little busy at the moment." Loststar mewed. "After that, everyone can sleep for real this time. Boy, was I startled when those rouges came! At one point, I wondered if I would lose another life...But I was lucky." She said, sounding a little scared. "I'll bet a patrols worth of fresh kill that they would have killed us all."

"Well, you know I have never been the most patient cat, but I shall try. I understand he is young. Soon, though, he will not be and must learn to respect his leader." Before she started to make a retort, she said hastily "Again, just a kit." She padded away to check on Dashfoot.

Duskleaf emerged from the elders den. What had happened here? She looked around confusedly. Redpaw was in the warriors den, Psionickit was clutching his head, Hawkpaw was rushing around trying to heal cats and Loststar was conversing with Dashfoot. She suddenly realized what had happened. She slept through it all! She went up to Mysterious Shadow. "Um....what happened here?" She asked ashamed.

Try something unique. No offense to FireClan but names like that are overused. Try something different! HerbClan, HeatherClan, ReedClan, OakClan, yada yada yada. Try something that fits the environment and is unique. :)

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for instance, look up FireClan in the tags sections. Then look up RidgeClan. See the diff? I recommend using the search/tags area to check how many clans are named that.

Do you mean AutumnClan? ;)

BrambleClan
BriarClan
ThrushClan
MossClan
OakClan
MapleClan
BrushClan
HerbClan
more to come, have a writers block....

Okay first-Silverwing, though this could help you to Rosay. You use the word she a lot, which makes ocassionally seem boring. Try using other words such as "The [whatever her color is] she-cat..." or things like so. try using substitute words or phrases- it makes any writing more interesting. I would recommend only using a word every few sentences. So, here is a sample of using substitutes.

Duskleaf emerged from sleep in a small, nursery clearing, sniffing the air. "Ah, what a beautiful day. Isn't new leaf just fine?" she purred to no one but herself. The she-cat did love new-leaf- for new-leaf means kits. As the pitch black queen left the nursey, her icy blue eyes spotted something.......

Using the rank, color, gender and personality instead of she or her keep your role play more interesting.

For describing- try descibing the cats around your character- or wolves, or whatever. Try using adjectives that are not as common. Like this.

The smart warrior looked around and could tell that something bad was going to happen.
OR
The sharp warrior's eyes narrowed; he could sense that something awful was about to happen.

Which sounds better? Try using out of the ordinary adjectives- it could help any writing. So, another sample:
The dark she-cat had returned from the hunting patrol. The tantalizing smell of prey filled her scent glands- it was all the famished queen could do to not scarf it down. She put it on the fresh-kill pile and went to take a thrush, but before she could indulge into it the deputy sauntered over. "What are you doing? Go help Mousefoot gather herbs!" She heaved a huge sigh. Her stomach would have to wait.

Username: Brokenfoot
Category: Deppression/poem
SMALL writing example: You why I want it
you don't know how it feels
you wouldn't understand it
you don't know why it appeals.....blah blah blah to lazy to write the whole poem
Other Info?: um, it is a song i wrote nut i just adapted it into a poem