It's a long story, but I need to tell someone.
I started elementary school like any kid would with grades averaging at a "B." My group of friends and I were content and it wasn't until grade three when everything took a turn for the worse.
That year was the worst for me. My best friend ("Lisa") in grades one and two moved away, leaving me with just two people who were genuinely my friends. My friend "Trisha" began to hang with a crowd of people who were considered popular. She was changed by that group and her whole personality changed from a sweet girl who wanted to play with barbies and kittens all day to what seemed like a rebellious kid.
The next year didn't improve my situation. My other friend moved away and I've long lost contact with her. Trisha became more and more involved with her group until the point where I would rarely get a chance to say hello to her. I felt as if I was loosing my last true friend forever. I became pals with someone who I now regret meeting. She spread lies about me until I was left alone by myself.
In grade five, I had this one friend. The relationship didn't last very long, but it was nice and it really helped me through the year.
I, along with Trisha, were home schooled in grades 6 due to a terrible teacher. We sort of became friends again this year but about half way through the year she moved away. I was devastated. Even though we weren't close in the previous years I still felt a connection with her. I promised her that I'd send her letters and try to visit her as much as I could. I stuck with my promise, and too this day, we are incredible pals who cannot be separated.
I was homeschooled again in grade seven, which was the time of major change. Tasted in music was altered and everything was different. A lot of kids started wearing make up and dating while I stayed home as a 'loner' of sorts.
Grade eight was a killer. I wasn't used to all the commotion of school--especially a high school-- and I didn't know what to do. My friends had all moved away and the people I knew in grade five had changed. I managed to do excellently in school. My B average had been converted into straight A's and I even achieved the top, overall mark in my class. It wasn't an easy feat though.
If I though grade 8 was bad, I must have been kidding myself. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and my friend, Trisha, with another illness that could have been prevented. Although they're both doing fine, it still caused a lot of stress. I was picked last in everything I did. Being chosen to play on a kickball team was a foreign concept; the teacher would always end up placing me on one of the teams. It wasn't like I was bad at sports. I even got an athletics award the previous year. I was forced to do five major group projects by myself because no one wanted me in their group. It was their loss in the end as I ended up with the highest mark on all of the projects we did. Their unwillingness to accept me gave me the drive to show them that I was worth something. I finished the year with the top marks again, but still there were no friends around to say, "great job!"
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It isn't like I don't try to make friends. They're the ones who don't want me around and whenever I get close to making a friend, BAM! Something ridiculous happens and that person disappears.
I've seen too many people change their personalities just to fit in with the crowd and I'm not going to be next. I love my classical music, soccer obsession, and love for animals too much to trade it for a few friends who aren't interested in the real me. I get so angry at the others who make fun of Lisa who wasn't afraid to be herself. Even years later, they all still joke about her quirks and make fun of her. It's sickening....
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I have a terrible case of SAD (social anxiety disorder) and I don't trust a lot of people anymore. I hate speaking face to face with others and I find myself hiding away from everyone. People don't understand why I'm so shy. If they think I want to be this quiet, they're mistaken! I want my opinions heard, but why speak if no one will listen? No one seems to know anything about me. Last year the class nominated people who they thought suited the different categories (music, drama, sports, ect...). Although I've been playing piano for over 8 years, no one remembered even though I've mentioned it numerous times in short conversations. Then, when others need help on school work, no one asks me.
I feel invisible and I crave recognition for what I've accomplished. It doesn't seem right that my skills should go to waste...
Anyway, thanks for reading all this. I feel a bit better now that I've told someone about myself and how I really feel.
---dustíє