Advanced Roleplay Feedback Wanted

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    I'm looking for some feedback and tips on my advanced roleplay. Here's an example:


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    I would also like some tips on how to get into the habit of writing more descriptive posts, I've been having a difficult time with that lately due to low muse.

    Quote

    The robust, black form was shoved harshly up to the stomach of his mother to begin suckling the warm milk from her. He gripped onto her with his jaws, quite powerful despite being so young, and proceeded to suckle, the milk flowing generously into his open mouth. He position his ebony paws on her stomach and kneaded the she-cat’s belly, his miniscule claws unsheathed for a better grip on the tabby fur hanging from her belly.


    So this was the world? He could not see nor hear it, but he could sense his surroundings and the tense yet loving mood that hung in the air smoke. Even as a young kit, Bonkit was not innocent. He could sense the brutality of life; it was so powerful it overwhelmed him, leaving nothing but emptiness within the ebony kitten’s body. Soon, however, a feeling formed within Bonkit, replacing the void with a bitter flavor that caused his stomach to churn, it felt natural in a way to him.


    He was feeling anger, a sour feeling that surged through his veins and made his blood boil. He directed his head in his sibling’s direction, the loathing feeling ebbing slightly, this time replaced with a much more powerful force. The brutality over the world coursed through him, making him thrust his paws with even greater strength into his mother’s stomach. A violent sense offered power to the kit, and he grinned. Though he could not yet comprehend this new life, he knew something great was in store for him.


    I found just a few errors, (the ones highlighted in red).. And I've seen that they don't make much sense, so I fixed them for you down below!


    He position his ebony paws on her stomach;; He then positioned his ebony paws against her stomach,
    and the tense yet loving mood that hung in the air smoke;; and the tense yet loving mood that hung in the air like smoke.



    Other than those two errors, everything seems okay. I'd be happy to help you out with your descriptive post issue. :3

    Quote

    Soon, however, a feeling formed within Bonkit, replacing the void with a bitter flavor that caused his stomach to churn, it felt natural in a way to him.


    He was feeling anger, a sour feeling that surged through his veins and made his blood boil. He directed his head in his sibling’s direction, the loathing feeling ebbing slightly, this time replaced with a much more powerful force.


    Repeating words that often, unless it's for effect, should also be avoided. :) Think of words like emotion, sensation, etc. If you're stuck with finding a word, thesaurus amazing is... well, amazing. :P


    There really isn't very much more to be done with this example, poppy! If you want to write really descriptively, just remember that you want to address the five senses of touch, taste, smell, sight and sound. Obviously with a blind/deaf kit, this is impossible, and so the only thing you might have added was a brief description of the smell/taste of his mother's milk. You might also have added how the smell of his siblings somehow fueled his emotions.


    However, as I've said, besides the few mistakes pointed out, your description really doesn't need much work. Too much more, and you'll be getting into purple prose, which really isn't any better than a lack of description. :)