Pinefrost of ShadowClan! (Finished)

warriorcatsgirl · Mar 29th 2012

Character Name: Pinefrost.

Character Age: 20 moons.

Gender: Tom.

Alliance: Shadowclan.

Rank: Warrior.

Appearance (6 or more sentences): Pinefrost is a brown tabby with long fur, keeping him warm in Leafbare! He has dark green eyes, almost the color of a pine needle, one of the reasons he was named 'pine'. His eyes have a strange look in them, as if he knows something you don't. He has long whiskers, a trait his family has had a lot in the past. Pinefrost is an average size, not too big not too small, but pretty strong. He has a long tail, also a trait his family has had a lot.
Personality (6 or more sentences--these sentences form their own section and do NOT count towards the 4 groups below. Those are additional requirements): Pinefrost is a calm cat, never wanting to start fights. He is a kind cat, even though he's in ShadowClan, it doesn't mean he can't be nice! He's not a big fan of the warrior code, but follows it anyways, although he would break it if he had to or wanted to. Pinefrost is not afraid to talk, but would prefer to sit and listen to someone else talk. He likes to keep his fur nice and clean, but he's not exactly a clean freak, but not letting his fur get too dirty. Sometimes Pinefrost can get mad if someone insults him, but he would just take a deep breath and let the anger flow away.
---Likes (at least 3): The night, hunting, and peace.
--- Dislikes (at least 3): His father and mother, frogs (they taste horrible!), and killing cats.
---Strengths (No MORE than 5): He's good at fighting even though he doesn't want to, he has learned to hunt well, and he can be independent.
---Weaknesses (At least 3): He can't swim, can't stand the warm day's of Greenleaf (he has long fur), and he can't trust cat's easily.

History (8 or more sentences): Pinefrost was born in a ShadowClan with his dead sister, Amberpaw. She had been killed by Pinefrost's father after he went insane. Pinefrost's father was actually a rogue, but Pinefrost's mother just told him his father was dead from a badger. When Pinefrost became an apprentice, he found out the secret. He was in ShadowClan's territory when he saw a rogue, that was actually his father! He jumped on him, but then the rogue started talking about how he was Pinefrost's father. The rogue was actually his father, and that his mother had lied to him. He never talked to his mother again, and doesn't trust his family very often, or any cat!

Roleplay Sample (Required for first advanced bio): Already done an advanced bio before.

Comments (optional): No comment.

warriorcatsgirl · Mar 29th 2012

Bump.

Hawkfoot · Mar 29th 2012

warriorcatsgirl wrote:

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Character Name: Pinefrost.

Character Age: 20 moons.

Gender: Tom.

Alliance: Shadowclan.

Rank: Warrior.

Appearance (6 or more sentences): Pinefrost is a brown tabby with long fur. He has dark green eyes, almost the color of a pine needle. His eyes have a strange look in them, as if he knows something you don't. He has long whiskers, a trait his family has had a lot. Pinefrost is an average size, not too big not too small. He has a long tail, also a trait his family had had.
Personality (6 or more sentences--these sentences form their own section and do NOT count towards the 4 groups below. Those are additional requirements): Pinefrost is a calm cat, never wanting to start fight's. He is a kind cat, even though he's in ShadowClan. He's not a big fan of the warrior code, but follows it anyways, although he could break it. Pinefrost is not afraid to talk, but would prefer to sit and listen to someone else talk. He likes to keep his fur nice and clean, but he's not exactly a clean freak. Sometimes Pinefrost can get mad if someone insult's him, but he would just take a deep breath and let the anger flow away.
---Likes (at least 3): The night, hunting, and peace.
--- Dislikes (at least 3): His father and mother, frogs (they taste horrible!), and killing cat's.
---Strengths (No MORE than 5): He's good at fighting even though he doesn't want to, he has learned to hunt well, and he can be independent.
---Weaknesses (At least 3): He can't swim, can't stand the warm day's of Greenleaf (he has long fur), and he can't trust cat's easily.

History (8 or more sentences): Eaglefrost was born in a ShadowClan with his dead sister, Amberpaw. She had been killed by Eaglefrost's father, after he went insane. Eaglefrost's father was actually a rogue, but Eaglefrost's mother just told him his father was dead. When Eaglefrost became an apprentice, he found out the secret. He was in ShadowClan's territory when he saw a rogue. He jumped on him, but then the rogue confessed. The rogue was actually his father, and that his mother had lied to him. He never talked to his mother again, and doesn't trust his family very often, or any cat!

Roleplay Sample (Required for first advanced bio): Already done an advanced bio before.

Comments (optional): No comment.

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This is a good start, but you've got a lot of short, choppy sentences that need lengthening. :)
As well, you use apostrophes in plurals, which is incorrect.
Ex: You wrote fight's instead of fights.
You need to correct anywhere that this was done. :)

warriorcatsgirl · Mar 29th 2012

Bump

sovay · Mar 29th 2012

warriorcatsgirl wrote:

Character Name: Pinefrost.

Character Age: 20 moons.

Gender: Tom.

Alliance: Shadowclan.

Rank: Warrior.

Appearance (6 or more sentences): Pinefrost is a brown tabby with long fur, keeping him warm in Leafbare! He has dark green eyes, almost the color of a pine needle, one of the reasons he was named 'pine'. His eyes have a strange look in them, as if he knows something you don't. He has long whiskers, a trait his family has had a lot in the past. Pinefrost is an average size, not too big not too small, but pretty strong. He has a long tail, also a trait his family has had a lot.
Personality (6 or more sentences--these sentences form their own section and do NOT count towards the 4 groups below. Those are additional requirements): Pinefrost is a calm cat, never wanting to start fights. He is a kind cat, even though he's in ShadowClan, it doesn't mean he can't be nice! He's not a big fan of the warrior code, but follows it anyways, although he would break it if he had to or wanted to. Pinefrost is not afraid to talk, but would prefer to sit and listen to someone else talk. He likes to keep his fur nice and clean, but he's not exactly a clean freak, but not letting his fur get too dirty. Sometimes Pinefrost can get mad if someone insults him, but he would just take a deep breath and let the anger flow away.
---Likes (at least 3): The night, hunting, and peace.
--- Dislikes (at least 3): His father and mother, frogs (they taste horrible!), and killing cats.
---Strengths (No MORE than 5): He's good at fighting even though he doesn't want to, he has learned to hunt well, and he can be independent.
---Weaknesses (At least 3): He can't swim, can't stand the warm day's of Greenleaf (he has long fur), and he can't trust cat's easily.

History (8 or more sentences): Pinefrost was born in a ShadowClan with his dead sister, Amberpaw. She had been killed by Pinefrost's father after he went insane. Pinefrost's father was actually a rogue, but Pinefrost's mother just told him his father was dead from a badger. When Pinefrost became an apprentice, he found out the secret. He was in ShadowClan's territory when he saw a rogue, that was actually his father! He jumped on him, but then the rogue started talking about how he was Pinefrost's father. The rogue was actually his father, and that his mother had lied to him. He never talked to his mother again, and doesn't trust his family very often, or any cat!

Roleplay Sample (Required for first advanced bio): Already done an advanced bio before.

Comments (optional): No comment.

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^{Looking good so far, although a few things need edited. ^^
You have choppy sentences. c:
Also, not being comfortable isn't really a weakness. (;
--Bump when you're done.}