Astralpaw of WindClan

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    Character Name: Astralpaw


    Character Age: 6 moons


    Gender: Female


    Alliance: RiverClan


    Rank:[/b Apprentice


    [b]Appearance (6 or more sentences): Astralpaw is a sleek, white she-cat with black patches in which her pelt is neatly groomed and seems to shine when water drips out of it. Her eyes are a calm forest green that soothes other cats' anxiety or anger when she looks at them directly. Her paws are a delicate snow-white that is barely seen when she pads across a snow-covered area, making her nearly invisible if only her black patches weren't seen. Her height is pretty medium for an apprentice, she has a strong build in her legs and her shoulders are evenly spread apart. Astralpaw's ears have two small v-shaped nicks in them from a previous event with a loose dog, she doesn't seem to like washing them since they sting when she touches them. Behind her right hind leg is a life-long scar travels diagonally and stands out clearly so other cats can spot it easily.


    Personality (6 or more sentences--these sentences form their own section and do NOT count towards the 4 groups below. Those are additional requirements): Astralpaw is an enthusiastic cat that loves to train to sharpen her skills and swim a lot. Her peers like her a lot giving Astralpaw a huge amount of charisma that makes her Clan adore her, but when angered, she sacrifices the charisma to solve some of her problems that made her furious. She is the best when it comes to making a conversation, she finds the most interesting topics to talk about and that makes cats engaged with her conversations. Astralpaw is likeable and has a lot of charisma but her huge weakness is that she can't make peace with her past, and this frustrates some cats when they bring up something similar to her past. This she-cat is also not very good at fighting against cats bigger than her, she always falls off when her opponent swings her around when Astralpaw lands on his or her back, thus earning her some bad bruises or even a broken bone. To make up for this weakness, she is great at luring her opponents into water and she is great a water combat so Astralpaw can make up for her weakness with not being able to fight big cats.


    ---Likes (at least 3): Swimming, hunting fish, and chatting.
    --- Dislikes (at least 3): Grumpy elders, enemy cats bigger than her, and hunting mice.
    ---Strengths (No MORE than 5): Water combat, swimming, creating conversations, jumping, and finding interesting things.
    ---Weaknesses (At least 3): Fighting cats bigger than her, dealing with her history, and rebuilding dens.


    History (8 or more sentences): Astralpaw was the most energetic kit in RiverClan and even the warriors thought that she should be made an apprentice early because of her high energy. However, this energy made Astralpaw impulsive and accidentally go to where the Twoleg house is near RiverClan territory. She was so near a yapping dog that its teeth bit her ears and made the scar down her hind leg, her mother never lets her go to the house ever again. Astralpaw was the only kit that had scars and that isolated her from her peers and made life for this cat very lonely, but her mother comforted her saying that the kits soon will have scars once they fight formidable enemies. The young apprentice was devastated when rogues attacked the camp and her mother had to be one of the killed victims, her father had betrayed RiverClan and led the hostile cats in. He is exiled now and prowls around the Clan's territory unseen to get his revenge but never attacks thanks to Astralpaw's existance. The apprentice was hunting once and saw her father's pelt and she leaped onto him, attacking. Her mind was only onto how her father killed her mother deliberately and how much she wanted the reason why. Astralpaw's father never loved her mother and only mated with her so that he could have a kit that would do what he says, and the apprentice was horrified by this reason. Astralpaw delivered a killing blow to her father's neck and she backed away quickly, not wanting to bear the sight of her dead father; especially since she killed him.


    Roleplay Sample (Required for first advanced bio): This is my second advanced bio.

    Display Spoiler


    Alright, first sentence of Appearance makes... very little sense, I'm afraid - have a read of it, aloud if you must, and see if there's a way you can correct it.
    Second sentence of her Appearance, it's technically powerplaying - you can't control how she affects other cats. You can, however, simply say her eyes appear soothing or intend to sooth.
    Try re-wording the sentence about her pelt partially comoflaging, too, please - it just... doesn't 'flow' as I'm reading it.
    Last sentence of Appearance also needs to be re-worded - really there's only one word you need to add here to fix it.


    Once again in her Personality - second sentence - it is technically powerplaying to say everyone likes her or adores her, because there may be cats who don't. A better way to word that would to simply say she was very likeable. There is a similar issue in the next sentence, and the next. You cannot spicifically say she has a certain reaction on everyone, because there is a chance someone else's character will react completely opposite to that in Roleplay.


    You have the same issue in the first sentence of her History - you cannot say 'this is how everyone else reacts to this'. Seeing as she's Bio-made and no one else can make her parents without your permission, you can change that first sentence to simply say her parents thought that about her.
    You'll have to change the location of the rogue attack, too - you can say they attacked a Boarder Patrol, but not the camp directly, as that never happened. And, while you can say her father led them there, exile would be something done by the Clan Leader, who is played by a player on this site - his exile never occurred in the actual game, so you'll have to remove that or change it to say her mother/some other family member chased him out, or he left.
    Also, a 6 moon old Apprentice would have only just begun their training, so Astralpaw would not be able to hold her own against a grown and train adult, nor deliver a killing blow.


    So, really, there's no missing info here, it's just a few wording errors, one case of unrealism and a bit of powerplaying [this is your biggest issue with this bio] - just fix the issues I've identified and bump this thread, then staff will come along and check it again for you ^^


    Oh, and also, your title says WindClan, could you change that to RiverClan? ^^

    I'm actually thinking about deleting this thread because well...I think I have enough cats I can role play so I think I'll delete this. XD :-[