Debiru and Jason had just had thier first fight. Even if it had mostly been Jason who had been scolding Debiru while he just had stood there taking it all. Jason had been upset with him for not being like he used to have been, for wanting to return back to the cartel to let Ghoulian know he was alive. The panther hadn't liked that and some mean things had left the panthers mouth back in the den. Jason had been the one to first storm out from the Celestial knights den with a pissed of look before the panther had taken out his wings to lift up to the sky to disappear who knows where. Debiru had left a little while later to fly of as well to take himself down to one of the lakes to seat himself down there to look into his own reflection down there in the mirror. All he saw was a ghost of who he used to have been, a man he no longer could recognize. Debiru didn't think Jason had all wrong for behaving the way he had, and he would think back on it.
Jason had entered his den, founding him seating there crying. He had tried to comfort them and the two had ended up kissing for the first time. What should have been a cherished kiss had just made him feel numb inside yet even so he had welcomed it, accepting it because maybe that kiss could make him stop thinking about everything else. Once they had finished kissing Debiru had started saying he needed to see Ghoulian and maybe that had been a bit harsh of him to say. Maybe that was why Jason had got so pissed for tramping on his feelings like that. " What do you mean you need to see him?!, you have me. You're finally home Debby, i won't let you leave my side again!." Jason had protested, and Debiru had tried to explain he had to because he couldn't let Ghoulian think he was dead and that Ghoulian not had anyone else in his life right now aside from him. Ghoul needed him so there was not way he was going to abandon him. Jason hadn't wanted to listen, growing more furious and it was the first time Deb had seen a different side of Jason. " Fine!! do whatever the fuck you want!, but don't expect me to be here when you come back!. I'm done with your little 'feel sorry for me' shitshow!!." Had been the last words before Jason had stormed out, leaving Debiru there behind in the cold and darkness.
Debiru would fish something out from one of his bags, and it was a cigarette and a lighter he brought out, and it had belonged to Jason. Debiru was planning to give the lighter back if he got a chance for it anyway. He had smoked once more, back in the exiles Val had given a cig to him which had been a unpleasant experience and something many had been shooked with to see. How could someone as sweet and nice like him do something as bad like this, right?. That was what they thoughts for sure. Everyone excepted him to be a certain way, to always behave and be so good all of the time, but what if he didn't wanted to be that anymore?. What if he wanted to ruin his lungs and do something bad for once?. What would they all think about that?. To see thier pretty little doll posion themself like this?. Would that make them sad?, would that make them feel bad?. Would that disappoint them?. For almost three years he had cared to much about others opinions on him, to get judged and be thought of a certain way. Always smile and be good and everyone will like you. Never take place, never complain, never speak your mind, always forgive and understand, never do anything that would displease anyone. Just seat there smiling and break apart in silence, it will be fine. But the truth was it didn't matter, if he smiled or didn't. People ended up leaving him anyway, he always ended up doing something wrong or he simple wasn't there when his friends needed him the most.
Breakout was dead and it was all his fault because he hadn't been there, because he had not said anything and just keept his mouth shut!.
So who cared about this stupied little cigarette. Who cared about anything. The good or the bad. There was nothing he could do to change anything. It wouldn't matter if he was here or not. No one cared to even try to change themself anyway. They all only cared about this violence to keep on hurting each other and leave thier victims all dry and torn. Debiru was sick and tired of it. For people to take advantage of his kindness, to use him and then throw him aside when they where done with him. He was tired of being the victim. To always be the good little boy.
Debiru would light the damn thing before putting the cigarette inside of his mouth to take the first blow from it. Of course he coughted a bit on the first two attempts but he just keept on going and it felt nice smoking it, to breath in the smoke and feel the scent. It made him think about Sollux and Breakout who both had smoked, how they always had stank with cigarette smoke. Debiru closed his eyes as he contunie to puff on the cigarette to spread the smoke around his face. It almost felt like they where here with him or he could pretend anyway which was a bit comforting. He missed them, both of them. If only people like Crimson,Leviathan and Mr Kuromiya not existed in this world. If only this sort of people could perish from this world. People like them didn't deserve to be forgiven, didn't deserve happiness. It was because of people like them victims such like Breakout had suffered so much in life until it had broke them. Debiru wished they could all just die.
The world would be a such better place without them.