As I try to move forward again ♔♔ Lucifer

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  • Tags -- Plots-- "Speech"

    [indent] The house that had once housed so many children was now empty. A place once so warm and inviting, even within the cloak of night, was now only ever cold. They say when you're in love the world gains a few new colors, but as of late all Grant saw was how grey the world really was. The summer had lost it's vibrancy. The future monochrome. The cloud of grief or the waking of reality? He didn't know, and it was one question Grant didn't care to search for an answer on.

    Instead, the boy pressed the small of his back against the door to his mother's room, eyes locked on the computer screen at his lap. He typed furiously, notes and passages from textbooks and novels. He had finished last month's assignments from school, so he'd asked for extra credit work, then next month's work, in all of his classes. Every time he asked, his teachers would suggest he take a break. "It's okay, Grant...you need time to process"

    He smashes the enter key, the crack of plastic beneath his finger satisfying only enough for his temporary frustration to receded. This was him processing. In the dead of night, finishing work and studying hard - what better way to surpass anger, bargaining, denial and grief than through the gains of knowledge? He shook his head, feeling a headache begin to bloom. He wasn't fine, he'll give you that, but he wasn't terrible. Not the way Rad...was...or the way Alby is now, or Calina or Felix or really everyone. It could be worse. It could...be worse...

    But letting himself forget about it for a little while? How bad could that be?


    He resumes his studies. In the middle of the night, sitting cross legged in the hallway bathed in only the artificial light of a computer screen. He didn't want to disturb Luci, who was the only other person living in this house, so he'd taken his studies out here. He found it more comfortable, anyway.

    A part of him still waited for Freya to open the door behind him and send him tumbling into her feet.

    She'd probably blink awake, concerned for her son, only to laugh when he promised he was fine and the silliness of the situation was revealed.


    He pressed harder against the cold door, refocusing solely on his work.



    Little Luci //sorry this is so angsty lmaoooo



    I WORKED HARD FOR EVERYTHING I'VE GOT

    and that's the way it's supposed to be!

    tags.

  • LIGHT BRINGER ✧✧✧


    Luci still remembered the chaos that came in the wake of his mother's death and how it had hit the entire family. It had broken them and left them reeling even now. The pain hadn't gone away, not even for a second. However, he had grown accustomed to the dark passenger that came with him as he continued on with his days. There was a quiet solace in believing that his mother was still watching him and guiding him as he progressed in the world that he found himself in. Now he was left wondering... had she guided him here to Grant? He had been that sturdy rock in a raging sea. That light in a dark room. Grant had saved him, but now... it was his turn to save him.


    The one armed boy was sat in the bedroom and he was holding onto the toy rabbit that had once belonged to his mother. It had been her childhood toy and Luci had always loved it, so of course he had inherited it. Well, he had staked claims on it before either of his siblings could even turn their heads. Lifting it up he breathed in the old scents that still clung to the fabric and he basked in the familiar warmth that they gave him. But no amount of warmth from the toy could mask the chill of the room as he became painfully aware that Grant wasn't present there with him.


    Slipping off of his bed he then left the room and stepped out into the hallway with his toy held tight against his chest. It didn't take him long to reach his friend and he looked on with a troubled expression as he saw Grant bathed in the light from the laptop. Tucking the rabbit under his stumpy arm he then knelt down and aimed to push the laptop closed.

    "I think you could use a break from that."

    He remarked as he knelt down in front of the other man whilst trying to coax the computer away from him. He knew that Grant was distracting himself with doing work, but he also knew that it could cause him damage mentally and physically, especially with the lack of sleep that he was getting.



    ✧✧✧ MORNING DAWN

    7d91207dd45dd02f1716740c09fca8b5e91dccad.gifv

    "Luci"

    1... 2... 3... Triple Tap, You Die

    8 Moons - Basilsune (Basilisk/Kitsune Hybrid) - Cartel & Volary Flights - Male

  • Tags -- Plots-- "Speech"

    [indent] //sorry for the lateness a a h


    Fro a brief moment, shinning clear in the artificial glare, Grant's eyes widen with panic. He does his best to hold up the computer screen, but after a second relents and lets his friend close it. Immediately he's engulfed in darkness. "That was my break" he mumbles, pulling his glasses off to rub at his eyes. Straightening hi sbeck, he winces at the ache of stressed vertebrae before he feels his back touch the wooden surface beind him. The boy flinches, as if zapped by electricity, but again he gathers his composure and ability to think rationally and resumes leaning against the door. It's just...any other door.

    "Did I wake you?" he asks, searching through the darkness for his friend's face. It's nerve wracking, talking to someone who's not there, but maybe that's just the tiredness talking. He is there, after all, and he has been. He was there when things were...bad...awful...horrible. He helped Grant refocus, he helped Grand take care of the kids while...things got worse. Grant didn't know if he'd be able to stand on his two feet without Luci. It scared him how glad he was Luci hadn't decided to leave the house and go back to his...real home. It scared him how terrified he was now that he might do just that. The darkness was so much heavier when you were alone.
    Impulsively, his hand twitches, searching for Lucifer's hand, but at the last second he pulls it back into his lap. He rubs at his temple, willing himself to stop being so...emotional. "I'm sorry if I did. You don't have to worry about me though - I was almost done" not entirely a lie, as his essay was in it's final draft. Not that he wouldn't have searchef for another excuse to ignore the dark and the future.


    He pauses, then leans a bit in Luci's direction asking, "Did you...have a nightmare?" he would've winced at how morbidly hopeful he sounded, asking that question. But Luci having a nightmare, Luci worrying about his dads and moms, Luci seeking comfort, was another distraction Grant longed for. A better one, even, than the computer. If Luci was in pain, then Grant could focus entirely on him. They could share the stars again, pretend once more like it was only ever them in the universe and grief and sadness were as foreign as loneliness. Or he could pull Luci into a hug, squeezing away the ghosts and guilt and promising him that tomorrow will get better. Or he could be bold, and suggest they just get up and leave the house - go visit Luci's home right now, in the dead of the night! The tendrils of danger reaching in the dark no match for the two of them!

    They could do all of that!

    But only if Lucifer was sad enough to need it.


    Because Grant was fine, obviously.


    I WORKED HARD FOR EVERYTHING I'VE GOT

    and that's the way it's supposed to be!

    tags.

  • LIGHT BRINGER ✧✧✧


    "I haven't slept yet. I couldn't because you've been through here typing your fingers down to mere nubs."

    Luci replied with a mildly stern edge to his tone. He preferred having Grant around since he pretty much craved having a presence near him. He had grown up sharing a bed with his siblings or sneaking into his dad's bed and seeking cuddles, so the mere notion of an empty room was daunting and uncomfortable. There was an underlying fear too, a bit of trauma that he hadn't particularly addressed. It was that fear of falling asleep and waking up to find the people most important to him missing forever.


    Sensing that Grant was searching for him in the gloom he instinctively shifted himself around until he was sat beside his friend so he could lean against him.

    "No nightmares, no. Just worried about you. You know staring at a computer screen all day, and night, can severely damage your sight."

    Sighing softly he then moved to rest his head against the bigger man's shoulder whilst he stared off into the darkness. Drawing in a deep breath he steadied himself before he proceeded to speak again.

    "You can talk to me, you know that right? You don't need to sit alone or drown in your work. And... and if you don't want to talk we can just sit like this. I just... I want to be close to you so that I can be here for you. I'm here for you and I care for you."



    ✧✧✧ MORNING DAWN

    7d91207dd45dd02f1716740c09fca8b5e91dccad.gifv

    "Luci"

    1... 2... 3... Triple Tap, You Die

    8 Moons - Basilsune (Basilisk/Kitsune Hybrid) - Cartel & Volary Flights - Male

  • Tags -- Plots-- "Speech"

    [indent] Grant winced, both from hearing the reprimanding tone from his friend and the aching meaning in his words. Clasping his hands together, he can't help but fall back into a hunch. His mind races for what to say in response - something to avoid making Luci upset, to encourage him to get the rest he needs, to also allow Grant to keep working. He's not tired. He doesn't want to sleep. He wants to work - but how to tell Luci that? What if he gets angry and leaves? What if he gets up, goes, but he escapes out the door and Grant is left truly alone in the dark and the silence? His leg jerks rapidly up and down, knee close to snapping against the wood as anxiety crackles through the boy, squeezing his knuckles white as he tries to think of something to say, something to make Lucifer stay but keep everything else away, the thoughts and the pains and the dark at bay.

    Say something Grant! Same something before he's gone!

    You didn't tell mom you loved her, and now she's dead!

    Tell him you need him, tell him you'll see him tomorrow morning. Tell him it's fine, it's okay. Tell him you care!

    Tell him before he dies too!


    An audible gasp escapes him as Luci scoots closer. He's sitting beside him, and then he's leaning into Grant. Its enough to make his knee stop twitching, and in turn his heart stop racing. He doesn't say anything for a while, sagging against him instead and letting his words wash over him.


    "I know...Im sorry" he finally speaks, rubbing his fingers against his knuckles, wishing his bones would turn into computer keys and his skin paper. "I just...you know already how it is, losing someone you care about" He's ashamed, worrying Lucifer like this. The boy has been through so much already. Grant's home is supposed to be a refuge, not a place where he has to deal with more death and suffering. Grant should be stronger than this. He shouldn't be relying so heavily on Lucifer...

    But he's his light in the dark.

    "I don't want to talk about it. I don't - I don't want to think about it" tighter, he holds his hands, feeling like a balloon without it's tail tied. If he lets go, lets everything keeping him firm and presentable out...he's certain he'll just get smaller, and smaller, until there's nothing left but a withered husk. He lets his cheek fall against Luci's blonde hair, taking in a pained breath, "Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I researched it - the stages of grief. It's so straight forward - or it's supposed to be, anyway. It should be easy to surpass denial, ignore bargaining, swallow your anger and be sad yeah but accept it and move on - that's the plan, that's how I want...how I need..." he presses a hand against his forehead, jerking his head back to hit rather painfully against the door in frustration. The knock is resounding in the darkness, but Grant doesn't feel any pain. Or, well, any besides knowing that he could slam his head a million times against this particular door but no one will ever open it. She won't, anyway.

    "I want to go back to studying," he hisses, furious with the welling of emotions in his stomach, "I don't want to think about it because then I start to think - if I sleep, she'll wake me up. Then I get angry, and I think - I hate him. I hate Radghast so much for what he did. I...I hate mom for not getting away, for trusting him," his hands start to shake, and his knee begins to buck again.

    He didn't want to think about it, but now he is and he can't stop.

    Or...he could. He could just shut his mouth, spare Luci the heartache of a wound he can't possibly heal, and order him to give Grant back the laptop. Maybe that'd be the selfless thing to do - push him away, demand he go back home, to his real home, so he doesn't have to relive his trauma over and over again.


    He should. He should do that, shouldn't he? But the thought is devastating. To lose Lucifer would be devastating. The fact that he can't stay strong for Luci's sake so humiliating. Grant doesn't realize he's sobbing until he hears his voice cracking as he continues to ramble, "and then I pray, and I beg God to bring them back. I swear ill trade my life for theirs, ill give my soul to Him if he just lets me see them. Lets me say good-bye. Ridiculous, illogical, but the hope is there and it's so draining, Luci. I feel this hope, like He'll hear and actually do it if I beg Him hard enough, or if I was truly worthy....and then it's just nothing. The hope, the blame, the expectancy...it goes away and I just...I wish I was the one who..." his throat clenches, frustration overwhelming the misery, overwhelmed by guilt, then supressed by confusion over his inability to control himself and back again.


    Thoughts piling on thoughts. Sentences ripped into words, ripped into scattering of letters until it's just screaming. Then even that fades away. Until all that's left is darkness and silence.


    Pressing his face into his hands, Grant chokes, "I don't know what to do anymore"


    I WORKED HARD FOR EVERYTHING I'VE GOT

    and that's the way it's supposed to be!

    tags.

  • LIGHT BRINGER ✧✧✧


    "That list of stages isn't real, Grant. It's not that cut and dry. I'm still angry about what happened to everyone I lost in my life, and I still think about it too. A lot in fact. But yet... that's okay. It's less about acceptance and more about understanding."

    Luci wasn't entirely sure how to describe it. He had always been on the suffering side and rarely on the side that was trying to give comfort. However, he did know one thing, he hadn't gone through his grief alone. Dia, Celeste, Penny, and even Asimov, had all been there for him as they went through the grief together. However, thoughts about Penny rippled into his mind. His dad had bottled up everything and then the cracks began to form like a degrading dam straining to hold back a storm surge. Now he was hurting worse than ever before.


    The blonde boy flinches as he hears Grant's head hit against the door and he remains in a rather tense state following after that. Patiently and in silence he listens to Grant speak as he rolls through his thoughts and feelings, some of which were so raw and hard hitting that they pricked Luci's eyes with tears. He can practically feel the emotions of his friend pour into him and suddenly begins to feel helpless and scared. It takes him a moment to react, but he aims to push the computer away entirely so it would instead be on the floor out of harm's way and he then drops the toy rabbit as he attempts to climb into his friend's lap. Reaching his arms out he attempts to cup the back of his friend's head as he tries to bring Grant's face in against his chest whilst stroking his fingers through his hair.

    "God can't bring them back. I used to pray for the ones I lost but my prayers went unanswered. But... maybe He guided me to you. I shouldn't have been away from the mansion that day, yet I still ended up here and I met you. Now here we are, I'm still here, I still have you. I lost people but I gained you! God is as cruel as He is kind! He's a jerk! He takes good people away whilst bringing the broken together."


    The tears were coming thick and fast at that point and he was holding Grant even tighter than before, and his heart thundered within his chest as the emotions coursed thick through his small body. It left him trembling and choking on his breath.

    "You claim that you'd trade yourself for them... as if you are worth less than them. Do you think that you matter so little? Because you are worth so much more... you mean everything to me! I wouldn't trade you... I would never allow God take you away from me!"

    He cycled deep ragged breaths as he strained to regain some form of composure before going any further with his own thoughts and feelings. Readjusting their position he aimed to press their foreheads together and he searched for that faint gleam of eye contact in the dark gloom.

    "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

    You make me happy when skies are grey

    You'll never know dear, how much I love you

    Please don't take my sunshine away...


    It's going to be okay... I promise. Trust me... please."



    ✧✧✧ MORNING DAWN

    7d91207dd45dd02f1716740c09fca8b5e91dccad.gifv

    "Luci"

    1... 2... 3... Triple Tap, You Die

    8 Moons - Basilsune (Basilisk/Kitsune Hybrid) - Cartel & Volary Flights - Male

  • Tags -- Plots-- "Speech"

    [indent] Luci is by his side, then all at once his pressing against his hammering chest, making it utterly impossible to keep him at arms length. Grand doesn't protest, and instead gives in. He wraps his arms around Luci all at once, burying his face in the other boy's neck as he heaves though breathless sobs. Luci, though, pulls his face out of the darkness of his warm embrace, encouraging him to look upon his best friend's features. Alive, blinking. Smiling, existing. Crying...living. Misery is everywhere lately. Its endless, and it's destructive. Grand had thought death could be so powerful. It's affect on everyone, it's detriment on what he once believed a stable, safe-keeping him, crumbling it's foundations and breaking apart every happy, suddenly fragile memories. Nothing was sacred anymore. Nothing made any sense.

    Luci speaks of his value, and it breaks Grand's heart when he realizes...he truly believes he means little. In the grand scheme of things - he only has his destiny of priesthood to give value to his name. Without that...he's...what? An orphan? Again? A adopted sibling who couldn't be considered enough of a brother to help save not just Rade but Alby, too? Marrok is gone, Takyon probably is going to call it quits on the Reikkenson name, and Calina will take the last of Freya's bloodlines away from him and he'll be left with nothing.

    His entire life was spent honing talents and proving his worth...just so none of the people above would ever leave him.

    And look where he is now. Alone in a dark, quiet room again.


    Ah...but it's not really quiet, is it?

    Without a word, he listens to Lucifer sing. A beautiful melody in the deafening silence. A light in the dark. His morning star.

    Everyone's gone, but not Luci. He, who has no last name to tie him to Grand, or long years of family bonding for glue, has every reason to get up and go. But here he is, crying alongside Grand, promising him such absolute lies in such complete certainty Grand could actually believe him. Everything is falling to hell and tomorrow Grant might never be happy again...

    But there's still light here, even in all this suffocating dark. He has company in this dark, quiet room.

    Luci, the mischievous trespasser.

    Luci, his greatest friend.

    Luci the star-reader, the angelic singer, the kindest, most loyal, most important person in Grant's terrible life-


    "I do" he whispers, meaning it with every hiccup-y breath.


    And he kisses him.

    Pulling Luci the last few inches, but not never truly close enough unless souls could actually touch, Grant kisses him. It's clumsy, and awkward, as first kisses typically are, especially when all you hear is blood pounding against your ears and your heart slamming against your ribcage for equal chance in your crush's arms. But he kisses him anyway. He kisses him because thats the only way Grant can think to tell him what he feels. A plead for Luci to never leave. A promise that he, too, will always be here for Luci. It's a thank you, deep and personal as any wordless expression of gratitude can be. It's 'I need you'.


    It's an affirmation 'I believe you...but only if you stay with me until then and after'.


    It's all of that, and it's none of it.

    Because it's also just a kiss, an age-old symbol of


    God... I'm in love with you.



    I WORKED HARD FOR EVERYTHING I'VE GOT

    and that's the way it's supposed to be!

    tags.

  • LIGHT BRINGER ✧✧✧


    Luci could merely long to bring his best friend back from the brink of despair as the darkness around them shrouded them under its weight. They were alone in it, but they were together. Just the two of them. So close and settling in the heat of the other during a cold time of grief.


    Not even for a second would Luci have foresaw what was to happen next. Lips against his own in a less than tidy or refined kiss. It was clumsy, a mess, and perhaps not entirely square on target, but it was genuine and true. His first kiss, and it was with the best friend that he had ever known. It was hot like a flame, one he craved to kindle so it would never go out. Was this... Love? In that one moment all those sappy poems that his father wrote started to make sense.


    For a brief second he parted from the kiss, only to lean in for another quick peck as if sealing some contract written by Grant's actions. In the roaring silence he remained perched in his friend's lap as he let the once imposing darkness cleanse them of the prior weight of grief. The grief wasn't gone, but it no longer festered like some infected wound. Instead his mind was focused on the kiss and all the meanings behind it. Tenderly he rubbed at Grant's shoulder in a bid to rouse his attention.

    "Will you come to bed now? We can share the bed... I fancy being held in your arms as you finally get some rest."


    //Mobile


    ✧✧✧ MORNING DAWN

    7d91207dd45dd02f1716740c09fca8b5e91dccad.gifv

    "Luci"

    1... 2... 3... Triple Tap, You Die

    8 Moons - Basilsune (Basilisk/Kitsune Hybrid) - Cartel & Volary Flights - Male