THIS CONTAINS THE TOPIC DEPRESSION. IF IT'S TRIGGERING FOR YOU THIS MAY NOT BE A POST YOU WANT TO READ! <33
Things were just different now. That really the only way she could think to describe the feelings she was experiencing. Life had never been easy for the alabaster female, but it had never felt so hard either. Sure, growing up without parents had been rough. And sure, Oleanderkit and Honeypaw were 'missing'. And sure, her littermates (Eveningkit and Mudkit) weren't around. That was okay- she could get use to that. It was just part of growing up! Blindness from the dog attack and losing her tail with her sight had been a hard one for her- but not impossible to handle! She had gotten over it rather quickly because she was pretty good at adjusting to bad situations. She learned how to navigate her way around and balance herself without a long white tail. And, not to mention, she had also climbed into a new rank! One that fit her better. That had been good. Maybe not her ideal life path, but one she could handle. Even after Duckstar and Brindlepaw had died, she had even kept her heart above the waves. But things only continued to spiral out of control when Brightstar stepped up into the leadership position. The thread started to unwind and piece by piece Coldpaw found herself losing someone or something dear to her.
First, it had been Birdbones. Then, Brightstar had not let her heal outsiders or given her a hard time for it. And following that, Brightstar had changed names and made cats elders. The stars gave them signs they didn't understand and suddenly the world stopped making sense. And of course, her vivid dreaming she was yet to realize was actually 'The Sight'. All that had been the beginning of this never-ending twine that flowed downward. Coldpaw was struggling to keep up with the clan, the new injuries, her missing mentor, the stars omens, and the changes going on. But she was. Barely. Or at least that was until Ivy had left. Then her life had completely started to fall apart. Somewhere in between her sobbing onto her paws holding the red feather he left for her and Cloudwatcher staring off into the direction he had left, Coldpaw had lost a part of herself she hadn't been able to pick back up since he had gone. And for some reason, that piece changed her.
Now all she could feel was anger and sadness. She felt lazy, she felt worthless and meaningless. She felt pity for herself about her disabilities. She truly felt as if there was nothing else left for her in the clans. Without Ivy, she was nothing. This wasn't all completely random though- these feelings had been pestering her for a while... Ever since Ivy had left. but on this particular day, they had hit an all time high. For anyone who knew the usually bubbly medicine cat apprentice, they would find her demeanor odd. It would be obvious she was 'sickly'. The small apprentice could be found laying just outside the opening of the medicine cats den laid down on her side where she had remained for hours. She wasn't sleeping though, but rather deep in thought with her blind eyes settled on the same green blur she had been 'glancing' at all day. The only way you could tell she was even alive was by her rib cage gently rising and falling. It would appear as though she hadn't groomed herself in days and Coldpaw was beginning to look skinny. Her ribs were now becoming obvious (due to her days of laying around rather than taking care of herself). You could also see her nest in the medicine cats den was a mess. And finally, her usual 'herb-scented' fur smelled like sticks and twigs. It was obvious she had not been doing her job to anyone who had been paying close enough attention to her in any way.
So there she laid- On the ground outside the medicine cats den with the red feather ivy left for her stuck behind her ear- it was fastened with a glob of cobweb and honey to keep it in place. That was where she had been laying for hours and would continue to for as long as possible. Or until someone interrupted her thoughts.