JUST WANNA GO BACK / o, self reflection + talking

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    I'm an angel with a shotgun

    fighting til' the war's won — tags

    The task that Crimsoncry had given Shadepaw wasn't especially... desirable, but he was determined to carry it out to the best of his ability. He had told Shadepaw to reflect, to do some self searching, to tell others a story of his growth to others if they were interested. The thought of the latter part of his task made Shadepaw's ears burn with embarrassment. His dad probably knew he didn't talk about his emotions all too much, hence why he had given the black tom such a task in the first place.


    Shadepaw... had grown since he was a kit, though he felt as though it was for the worse rather than the better. Yes, he'd improved in some ways - he was turning into an excellent fighter, and his hunting skills were pretty great, too. But in other ways, he had become so much worse. Training in the Dark Forest, for example. Ratstep was a good mentor, and Shadepaw felt some level of attachment to him, but at the same time, deep down, he felt extreme guilt building up in his stomach every time he was around the Dark Forest warrior. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and what was worse, was one of his main reasons for training in the Dark Forest, now seemed invalid. Ratstep had promised Shadepaw that he would teach him how to protect himself, which had been very important to him after Pepperpaw had beaten him up a while back. But he hadn't seen the young bengal for a while - there was no Pepperpaw to be scared of anymore. And yet, Shadepaw was still training in the Dark Forest.


    Shadepaw tried to think positively. He had more friends now than he had had as a kit. Shellpaw immediately came to his mind. He hadn't spoken to the molly at all when he was in the nursery, but he'd grown pretty close to her throughout their moons of apprenticeship. Shadepaw valued his loved ones more than anything or anyone else, so he was glad to have more cats who he cared about. He was even starting to slowly gain respect for Flamestar - respect was difficult to gain from the rebellious young tom, but he had to admit that Flamestar was a pretty cool leader. Some things have gotten better. I've grown in good ways as well as bad.


    And now, for the dreaded part of Shadepaw's task - sharing his growth with others. He wasn't really sure how to even go about it, though perhaps slipping it into a casual conversation would be the best way to go about it. The elders, queens and kits had already been fed, so it was fine if Shadepaw took from the freshkill pile. Dragging out a small mouse, the black tom then called, "Someone come eat with me!" while waving his tail to alert cats to his location. Then he would have to... talk about his growth somehow. Great StarClan, why had Crimsoncry given him this task?


    "that's just what gangsters do."

    ･ﾟ ✦ ° when the day met the night - In the process of avoiding her own assigned task (she was quite through with talking to strangers for the next moon, thank you very much), Doepaw was quick to join Shadepaw at his call. They had been somewhat close after the whole KitClan thing, had trained together for a little while, but now he seemed distant. The curly furred molly wasn't sure what had happened, but her observant nature picked up on the slight hunch to Shadepaw's shoulders, the shadows that clung to his expression almost constantly, and even more recently, the skittish nerves that went unnoticed by most. Doepaw respected him as a fellow apprentice and cared about him as a friend, so she hoped sitting and eating with him would help her figure out what might be going on.

    Sitting beside him, Doepaw offered Shadepaw a quiet nod in greeting before settling into a more comfortable position and waiting to see if anyone else would join them.

    speaking thoughts

    A generally reserved cat himself, Elmpaw would have sympathized if he knew of Shadepaw’s reluctance to share. As it was, however, all the SkyClan apprentice heard was an offer to share a meal—an offer that sounded quite good to the young tom, who seemed to be in the middle of the growth spurt if his increased height and large appetite were anything to judge by. Still, the tabby paused when he realized Doepaw had reached Shadepaw first. He hadn’t seen her since they had been sent to gather moss, but the sensitive tom had the distinct impression she didn’t care for him. He wasn’t taking it personally, exactly, but he wasn’t exactly making a point of seeking out Doepaw’s company, either.


    Still, he was hungry. Hungry enough to brave Doepaw’s company, apparently, as his paws carried him forward and he plucked a mouse of his own from the fresh-kill pile, settling near both of the ThunderClan apprentices with a nod of his head and a quick smile in greeting.

    God, why was he so contrary? He found himself irritated by chatter and irritated when people just sat in silence. Grabbing something small and scrawny (that he guessed would quench his considerably diminished appetite), the grey-and-white Laperm made his way over with an uncomfortable sense in his stomach from the silence that hung around the area. Tightening his jaw, he took a seat and let his deep g=blue gaze linger on the trio for a few moments. Only one of them he recognised- Shadepaw, that kid who had given him that lecture a week or two ago (time was no matter to Shane anymore).


    "So are eating and talking mutually exclusive in this family?" Shane grumbled, voice dripping with sarcasm.

    ･ﾟ ✦ ° when the day met the night - Glancing around at Elmpaw's approach, Doepaw offered the SkyClan apprentice a quiet nod in greeting. She remembered their patrol together a few days prior, and she didn't have anything against the other feline, she just wasn't good with conversation or strangers. A quiet greeting should suffice, at least. Doepaw didn't particularly care what others thought of her, but Flamestar had asked them to host SkyClan with respect, so this was the small effort she put forth.

    Shane, on the other paw, was ThunderClan, and Doepaw owed him nothing. His grumpy, sarcastic approach left the curly-furred she-cat narrowing her eyes at him in silence. Then she very firmly answered, "yes," with just as much sarcasm before pointedly taking a mouthful of her mouse and chewing it while glaring at him.

    speaking thoughts

    🍰 tags 🍰


    It had been at least a moon since Ivorypaw had the pleasure of sharing a meal with her unlikely friend Shadepaw. She was delighted to see that Doepaw was there too. The white she-cat took a seat next to Doepaw and mewed cheerfully at Shane before giving Elmpaw a respectful dip of the head. ”Hey, Shadepaw! What's the special occasion? Is it that task that Crimsoncry gave you?” Ivorypaw settled herself comfortably close to Doepaw to listen to the black apprentice's reflections.


    What's this about now ? Wickedgames had never spoken to the rebellious apprentice, she tended to keep to herself more ; but she'd vaguely heard of the tasks set by Crimonsoncry and this was intriguing. As she lifted her head from the spot where she had been napping, having completed all of her duties for the day, she saw the small crowd of cats from both clans sitting around Shadepaw and wondered if her unfamiliar presence would be bothersome to the young apprentice : she did not want to deter him from speaking openly and tried to determine whether all the cats around were Shadepaw's friends. To no avail. Let's go have a look, she told herself, lifting herself up heavily from her nap and padding over to the freshkill pile. She definitely wasn't hungry, but picked up a small mouse anyway to be polite and sat down with the others, acknowledging their presence with a nod. Now she was here, she might as well listen to what the young tom had to say.

    ☆Crimsoncry

    these little wonders,these twists and turns of fate

    To say it wasn’t quite the crowd, he’d be lying. But this outcome was something unexpected, and yet satisfying. For the red bengal warrior, he upheld the code dearly, trusted his clan, his leader, trained his already many apprentices, and loved his family. It was easy enough to say the contentment was real. But he would not get too close, moving around camp was a little too much of a hassle since his mixup with the fox. He’d barely made it out alive after all. But it was times like this where he wanted to personally see Shade’s resolve. He knew and understood Shade’s hard work and resolve to be strong. A little bird had told him of the spat he had with Pepperpaw. He was furious himself after all. But that point aside, he was afraid that his eldest would only train and not see that he had others beside him. Friends and family, his clan... they were on his side. It was with that and the question his own father asked him, he gave this task to the night furred tom. Perhaps in their little family, it was becoming a rite of passage. But Crimson wouldn’t digress so easily, if that were the case. Staying far enough to not be noticed he was listening, he’d curled up as much as a bandaged should would let him and closed his eyes to focus on the speaking.

    "Speech." || ☆TAGS

    I'm an angel with a shotgun

    fighting til' the war's won — tags

    //THIS REPLY IS LONG AND I AM SO SORRY it's just the boy being awkward about expressing his emotions and overthinking excuse him and excuse me too lmao


    Shadepaw wasn't entirely sure how he had attracted so many cats to where he was eating - he guessed these lot really liked food, or really liked him - one or the other, maybe both. The first to approach was Doepaw, a molly he had considered his friend ever since they had been kits. Hopefully he would be able to talk about his growth with her without being too awkward. But then a SkyClanner came up - one Shadepaw had never spoken to, for that matter. Elmpaw? Shadepaw thought was the guy's name. Seemed Shadepaw's task was about to get a whole lot more difficult.


    Then came Shane, who seemed just about as thrilled to be a ThunderClanner as he had been the last time they had spoken. Shadepaw got it - Clan life wasn't for everyone, and clearly he wasn't happy. "Ah, Shane, ThunderClan's most keen warrior!" he joked as the older male came over, before answering his question. "I mean, some cats eat in silence, and that's cool, if not a little boring," Shadepaw shrugged. "But I just choose not to."


    Ivorypaw, another cat Shadepaw had been friends with since kithood, then came over, soon followed by Wickedgames, another cat he hadn't ever spoken to. A mixed bunch, it seemed. Crimsoncry's task was going to be difficult, but the stubborn apprentice was determined to complete it somehow. He also noticed his father in the distance, but it didn't appear that he was listening. As embarrassing as it was, Shadepaw sort of wished that Crimsoncry was a little closer, staying beside him while he carried out his 'reflection,' which was less of a task and more of a huge challenge to the young tom.


    "Hey, everyone," his greeting was casual as he forced himself to ignore the slight nerves which churned in his stomach. He just had to focus on his positive growth, boast about himself if necessary, anything to appear strong. "So..." he took a bite from his mouse, stalling for time as he thought about how he was going to go about the task. Why had Crimsoncry given him something so complicated? He clearly thought it was good for his son, and it probably was, but it was just so hard. "Crimsoncry gave me a task, talking about my growth as a person and all of that," lowering his voice in case Crimsoncry was listening, he muttered, whiskers twitching, "It sounds super lame, to be honest, but I thought I should try it anyway," he glanced at Doepaw and Ivorypaw briefly, the presence of the two she cats comforting him slightly. He then raised his voice back to its normal volume again. "So... yeah. I have no idea how to talk about growth or anything, but I guess I got better at some things. Like fighting, certainly. I got beat up as a kit by a rogue, fun story, I won't elaborate on the details, but it sorta messed me up," he gestured to his torn ear and the scar running across his muzzle as he spoke, implying that it had messed him up only physically. Though truthfully, the rogue's attack had hurt him mentally too. How could it not? He had just been a child. "If I saw that rogue now... I would beat him up, properly, make him pay. He made off with ThunderClan prey too, the foxheart." He dug his claws angrily into the ground as he spoke, imagining digging them into the rogue's stomach. Truth be told, he was still terrified of running into that rogue, the memory often coming back to mess with his mind. But these cats didn't need to know that.


    There was something fulfilling about opening up about the rogue attack, though. He hadn't really ever mentioned it to anyone after the day it had happened besides Crimsoncry and Mouseridge.


    "I got better at hunting, too, but fighting is probably my speciality," he flexed his claws as he spoke. "And I got more... friends," the word felt almost awkward on his tongue, and he felt his pelt heat up slightly. He gave Ivorypaw and Doepaw a playful nudge, trying to calm himself, trying to stay cool. "Though I've known these two ladies since I was a kit!" He purred, eyes gleaming.


    There. Enough talking about himself. He actually felt pretty proud. He glanced over at Crimsoncry, wondering if maybe his dad was listening after all, wondering if he was proud. "Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about myself, hope I didn't wear out your ears too much. Do any of you want to try my task too? Maybe it'll be therapeutic or something, StarClan knows," his eyes flicked from one cat to another, a smirk curving on to his maw. It felt nice to try to push his task on to somebody else. "Ivorypaw? Doepaw? I sorta wanna know what you two would have to say - you two are some of my oldest friends, after all," he nodded to Shane, "Or you... though, it's fine if you don't want to," he got the impression that Shane had been through quite a lot, and Shadepaw didn't want to put any pressure on him. "Wickedgames? Elmpaw? What sort of growth do SkyClanners go through?"


    Usually, Shadepaw loved the spotlight being on him. He loved attention, he craved it. He never shied away from talking to others and was pretty loud in general. But for once, he wanted the focus off of him. His fur was growing a little warmer, his emotions being all over the place, though the two he felt the strongest were embarrassment... and pride.


    "that's just what gangsters do."

    ･ﾟ ✦ ° when the day met the night - Listening to Shadepaw as their little group got a bit bigger, Doepaw felt a her chest tighten with warmth when Ivorypaw sat beside her, the white furred she-cat leaving Doepaw's heart to skip a beat. It was a familiar feeling, one that Doepaw often associated with Fallowpaw, but the other she-cat hadn't been seen around in ages and despite Doepaw's worry for her, it wasn't surprising that the feeling was suddenly extending to others.

    Doepaw couldn't help the slow blink of surprise she gave Shadepaw when he mentioned the rogue attack from his kithood. She had never known that about him, and was surprised that it hadn't made him a withdrawn little kit. But he was nothing if not strong, so Doepaw assumed that wasn't as surprising as she found it. She let Shadepaw nudged her and Ivorypaw playfully, sensing his discomfort with the attention on him, and merely nodded in response to his fond statement of their friendship.

    She went a little stiff though, as he tried to pass the baton on to either her or someone else, and stayed absolutely silent. As much as she cared for Shadepaw and Ivorypaw, she was not the 'sharing' or 'feelings' type of cat everyone else seemed to be at one point or another. The only cat she had ever opened up to about insecurities or worries or questions about herself had been Shimmersong. Other than that, she was made of ice - intimidating, foreboding, unforgiving, cold. Doepaw would not shatter, and she would not melt. She couldn't.

    speaking thoughts

    🍰 tags 🍰


    Ivorypaw couldn't help but smile for her friend. She had never seen Shadepaw be in such a vulnerable state. She was proud- though she knew Shadepaw wouldn't accept once mouse-tail of pride from her, so Ivorypaw would have to express it in a different way. ”To share the inner workings of your mind like that is a super powerful thing to do, Shadepaw. Not everyone can do that.” She glanced at Doepaw to see if she'd speak up about her reflections, but when the curly-haired she-cat remained silent, Ivorypaw raked her mind for her own reflections.

    Ivorypaw herself surly endured plenty of change in her life from her time as a kit to this very moment in time. Not all of it was conscious, however. "I don't know, I'm somewhat satisfied with how I've turned out." Her icy eyes rested on each of the cats in the small group as she spoke, realizing how difficult of a task reflecting on one's life really was. "I was a quiet kit, not exactly shy but reserved. I was too afraid to speak up for myself and I liked to spend my time alone meditating or being around my siblings. I refused to step out of camp as a kit for the longest time. When I was apprenticed, I learned that speaking to people who intimidated me couldn't really hurt me. I also learned that im nose-blind, but I learned to live with it and make up for my lack of hunting ability refining my fighting skills." There were other ways the white apprentice had changed too, of course. She grew up as the ridged Good Girl, content with being cooped up in camp all day. Now she struggled with daily tasks if it didn't get her heart rate up. She felt nothing without a little bit of action, and sometimes she'd enter a depressive state where she'd feel so dissociated that she felt invincible. Ivorypaw briefly thought about how she enjoyed sitting near the thunderpath for a thrill, but she figured she'd keep that to herself.


    Looking up from her story, she looked towards Shane, Wickedgames, and Elmpaw the next cats that Shadepaw had prompted to share.


    "Oh, you're a riot," Shane sneered in response to Doepaw's single-word response, immature and prickly without even considering the fact he was speaking in such a way to someone much younger than he. His mind was in too much of a haze to even bother pondering on his retorts so deeply. Sapphire gaze flickering over to Shadepaw, he found himself listening intently to the other's talk of his growth- and then prompted him to speak, as if he could compare. He got beat up as a kid? What sicko would beat up a kid? "Yeah, mess 'im up, kid." Shane growled, low accented tone rough in how it tumbled from his maw. Everyone else was sharing (except Doepaw, what a surprise- he wondered why she bothered sitting in a group of people if she didn't want to talk), Ivorypaw even further talking about how she had overcome a shy nature. It was rather interested how much these children had changed, whilst he felt constantly stagnant.


    "I've always been prickly. Mum taught me it was how you're meant to protect yaself before she kicked me out. Worked pretty well- never got attacked. Bein' intimidating stops people stealing' ya food." he said. Sharp words contrasted his curly pelt; his abrasiveness often lead people to believe he was a good fighter, and he wasn't going to tell these Thunderclanners otherwise. "Met this other loner- brown tabby, 'bout a year ago. Penelope. She taught me a lot- how to look after myself better, how to treat my wounds 'n stuff. She was a killer fighter- we were like a system, me 'n her. I only grew as much as I did 'cos of her. We 'ad a daughter not long ago- Jasmine. Never knew how good I was with kids 'till she was born." God, he'd vented. Not everything. Not about how Penelope and Jasmine were gone now. But from his sitch, they could probably work it out.