—— FLAXENSUN ——
Soon to be King
The birthing had been a success. The six kittens were brought into the world safe and sound, all breathing, all squirming, all with a long life ahead of them. It was so much more than he could've ever asked for. It's exactly what he wanted when he held Firedawn against his chest and asked her for another addition to their family. His family...
And yet, he felt so utterly miserable.
The man leaned his head back, bumping it against the wall that lined the nursery's entrance. He dug his teeth against each other, tensing the muscles in his face as if preparing for a blow - a sucker punch. No, not exactly, for the pain was internal - a swell of heated frustration and devastated heartache. Both were volcanic enough on their own, but it was that awful inkling of shame that made it so much harder to bear.
For, during Firedawn's wails of agony and the kittens blessed squeaks, Flaxensun had the audacity to wonder - which were truly his?
Maybe a innocent thought to anyone else, but Flaxensun wasn't so foolish. After all, every question was born in an attempt to acquire an answer, and every answer was followed by a change in mindset and a subsequent action to accompany. In other words - if he knew which kittens were truly his, how would he treat those that weren't? If a starclanner came down and whispered in his ears the names of the children he did not father, would he stop treating them like a father?
Another question, denoting another answer - and an answer only he could provide. An answer he now had to bear.
Yes.
Yes he would treat them differently.
In the darkness of night, Flaxensun would lift his paws and clutch at his ears, straining against the agony of his damaged pride and soul. His family, his pride and joy - what a monster he was for these feelings. It was childish to feel cheated out of a perfect fairy tail ending. It was childish to want nothing to do with Valerianfire. It was childish to entertain even the smallest notion that those precious children were mistakes.
It was childish! CHILDISH!
But it hurt. It hurt so much to think about what might've happened if he'd never returned. To imagine Firedawn, his one and only love, in the arms of another man. What would've happened if he hadn't helped bear this litter? Would Firedawn raise them solely with Valerianfire? What if Flaxensun had been a moon or two, or SIX before he returned - would Firedawn have moved on now with her new family? Would Flaxensun be but a distant, bittersweet memory of a childhood romance?
Was Flaxensun nothing?
None of these questions could be answer - he didn't WANT the answers, and yet the strain of his lack of knowledge was unbearable. No, he didn't want the truth - he wanted to be told in absolute that no, Firedawn wouldn't have raised them with Valerian. No, Firedawn would have waited for him - six moons, six seasons even. No, he was not someone who could be discarded to the winds of time.
Someone would've waited for him.
His return meant something to people. His crawl out of the depth of hell MEANT something!
Oh, but how certain he was that the meaning of his life was something more akin to tragedy.
How certain he was that every breath he took now in Firedawn's presence was not a helping hand in resuming time, but a interruption in what was meant to be Valerianfire's happiness.
You stole my happiness, Valerianfire had said to Flaxensun.
In the shadow of the nursery, where within soft mewls and gentle snores could be heard, Flaxensun panted with the war waging in his thoughts. The strain of a question tugging and grappling it's need for an answer he wanted desperately to keep away leaving him exhausted.
Would it have been better if he'd never returned?
He was certain he already knew that answer.
BRIARSTAR. WOOPS sorry for the angst x'D
"Speech"