//no clue why this is so long, it's basically just Shadepaw suffering for over 3500 words. Also this is not proofread and there's bound to be tons of mistakes.
Night wrapped over Shadepaw like a blanket, shielding him from his surroundings. There wasn't a single star in sight, as if StarClan knew just what Shadepaw planned to do.
The rock beneath his paws, usually warm, usually comforting, alive with sunshine, felt cold and dead beneath his paws. Sunningrocks. He remembered coming here as a kit, sneaking out with his friends - Doepaw, Serpentpaw, Ivorypaw and Moonpaw. He remembered meditating upon these rocks, secretly enjoying the entire experience much more than he would ever admit. Shadepaw had found it calming, a good way to focus, to relax. Perhaps he could do the same thing now.
Closing his eyes, Shadepaw tried to focus on his breathing. For a few moments, it worked. He counted his breaths, feeling his entire body relax, flowing free of all the tension, all the pain he had been keeping pent up.
Then he felt claws ripping down the back of his head.
His eyes shot open, and he let out a snarl, claws unsheathed, teeth bared, snapping his head around, only to find that there was no one behind him, apart from the darkness, brushing at his pelt, calling out to him, singing him a lullaby.
Nobody besides Shellpaw knew what Pepperkit had done, how he had ambushed Shadepaw in the middle of the night and attacked him, promising to kill him if he ever spoke a word about what had happened. Overwhelmed with emotion straight after the ordeal, Shadepaw had confessed everything to Shellpaw, but had kept quiet from then on.
Every time he had seen Pepperkit since then, he had felt sick, his belly lurching, his mind screaming. One paw out of line, and Shadepaw would be dead, that he knew. If Pepperkit was to find out that he had told Shellpaw, he would be dead already.
Pepperkit's threats had not been at all false or exaggerated in any way. Shadepaw had felt it all - Pepperkit would have killed him, no question about it. He'd seen it in the tom's eyes, the cold look of a cat with the potential to kill. He had worn the same sickening expression of the rogue that had attacked Shadepaw as a kit, the look of someone not afraid to soak their paws in blood, to stain the ground, to perform the ultimate evil. Shadepaw had been traumatised by that rogue, returned to camp half dead, returned to camp crying, humiliated, angry, a torn ear, a scar running across his muzzle. It had been a lot for a little kit to go through. He had just been so... young. But still, Shadepaw feared Pepperkit more than he would ever fear that rogue cat - because Pepperkit was his Clanmate. He had to see that monster everyday, knowing that if he was aware that Shadepaw had blabbed to Shellpaw, he would kill him. He had to live with that sick freak in ThunderClan, when he deserved to be exiled.
He deserved to be dead.
He'd thought a lot about how he could get back at Pepperkit, not just out of revenge but as an act of self defense. Shadepaw's mind had ran to murder much quicker than he would ever confess, as if such a thought had come naturally to him. Telling Flamestar? Unlikely. What was she going to do, exile him, so that Pepperkit could lurk about Clan territory and pick off Shadepaw when he pleased? Maybe Flamestar wouldn't even exile him. Shadepaw was starting to like his leader a little more now, slowly gaining some sort of respect for her, but... he didn't even know what she would do, if she knew about what Pepperkit did. Shadepaw didn't know her. Yes, he knew that she was his leader, but did he know her personally? No. Did he know what went on inside her head? No.
He'd thought about poisoning Pepperkit with deathberries, but if he survived that, Shadepaw was bound to become his main suspect. He'd thought about suffocating the bengal in his sleep, but there was too great of a risk that he get caught, plus there was a fairly high chance that Pepperkit would wake up. Every option that Shadepaw had seemed flawed - and yet he considered them, unable to get them out of his head. Some cats might call Shadepaw a monster for the murderous thoughts that plagued his mind, but honestly?
He was just a scared child who didn't want to die.
More than that, he feared he wouldn't be the only cat to push Pepperkit to such aggressive extremes. He'd already attacked Briarheart, and pretty much tortured Shadepaw. Who would be next? Featherlight? Crimsoncry? Mousepaw, Shellpaw, Doepaw, Serpentpaw, Ivorypaw? Pumpkinstrut? Shadepaw felt sick to the stomach at the thought of his loved ones being hurt by Pepperkit, pinned down by him, tortured. It was likely that the three who were warriors would be able to defend themselves against him, but what about Shadepaw's friends? They were all young, just like him, clearly lacking the huge amount of experience Pepperkit had gained from StarClan knows where.
And he'd already gotten Shellpaw involved by telling her what had happened. Dumb, stupid, pathetic him. He should have just kept his jaws shut. It didn't matter how he felt, what mattered was the safety of his loved ones. If something bad happened to Shellpaw as a result of Shadepaw's actions, he knew he would never be able to forgive himself.
He just didn't want to lose anyone else.
Loss was a topic painfully familiar to the tom despite his young age. When he had been only three moons old, his brother, Lightkit, had disappeared. Shadepaw had mourned him a lot, still did to this day. His personality had changed... quite drastically, following Lightkit's disappearance. He'd become tougher, snappier, more rebellious. Prior to Lightkit's death, he had been a sweet, gentle kit, caring towards everyone around him. Shadepaw had loved ThunderClan, loved all of them, felt and danced with the passion of life.
Losing his brother at only three moons had changed all of that in a heartbeat. The faces of his Clanmates had become dull and lifeless, failing to provide Shadepaw with any source of entertainment. Sneaking out of camp, something Shadepaw never would have done before, had become a very favourable activity. There was a certain brutality, a certain coldness, a mechanical quality to which his mind had adapted. When a strange sickness had ravaged ThunderClan's camp when Shadepaw had been just a kit, he'd felt no concern at all for the majority of his Clanmates, focusing on the welfare of a select few. He remembered an occasion of which he had looked into the medicine cat den to find one of his Clanmates lying dead - and he'd felt nothing. No grief, no panic, just curiosity as to what the sickness was. He'd only been young, such a sight should have traumatised him, and yet he'd felt no such thing. He'd called out to his Clanmates, feigning panic, just so that he would look better. Shadepaw was a fake, a liar, pretending to care when truthfully his heart was as cold as ice.
The next time Shadepaw had truly felt loss was after following the disappearance of one his friends - Moonpaw. She had been one of his first friends, but she had disappeared a few moons ago. That had hurt - a lot. He didn't know if she was dead, alive, he didn't know, he just didn't know, and that terrified him.
After that? Okapipaw, a young RiverClanner, Shadepaw's first crush. His romantic feelings for the tomcat had not been strong, but he had loved him as a friend. He prayed that Okapipaw wasn't dead or missing, prayed that the handsome, creamy pelted feline just didn't want to meet with him anymore. Shadepaw didn't want to lose someone else, a burning in his chest leaving him in agony, leaving him constantly questioning the fates of Okapipaw, Moonpaw and Lightkit. He hadn't seen any of their bodies, no confirmation that any of the three were actually dead, and yet they were dead inside his mind, their bodies resting heavily on his back like stones.
One of the few traits that Shadepaw had kept right from when he was very young, prior to Lightkit's disappearance, was his cowardly nature. Before he had lost Lightkit, he had quite openly been a scaredy cat, freaking out when he had left the nursery for the first time, scared of the sunshine. The trees had frightened him, and so had the sky, (it changed colour? How scary was that?) the loud screeches and yowls of his Clanmates too, had brought shivers to his pelt.
He'd forced himself to harden at least on the outside after Lightkit's death, but he was still a fearful cat. Of course, his fears had changed. Shadepaw loved the sunshine now, and was used to the loud voices of his Clanmates, often adding his own voice to theirs. But he was still a coward, a pathetic, stupid-
What was that?
The little tom's ears pricked as he heard a noise, and he leaped to his paws. Pepperkit? There was no sign of him. A snake? Hopefully not. Shadepaw remembered being scared of snakes back when he had first meditated on Sunningrocks as a kit. He laughed weakly to himself, lowering himself back onto the rock as the sound became quieter, before fading out completely. Seemed he was still scared of snakes. What could he say? They were creepy! Still, Shadepaw would give anything to go back in time, to be scared of snakes together with his friends as they rested upon these rocks. Now he was alone - Serpentpaw, Doepaw and Ivorypaw probably curled up in their nests, Moonpaw... somewhere, lying alive, or lying dead, he would never know.
Fear was a stupid thing, a creature that crawled about inside Shadepaw's body, teasing him and taunting him, laughing, making his paws tremble and his eyes well up. He was a joke, a cat of comedy. Perhaps his friends weren't truly laughing with him, but were instead laughing at him. Perhaps they had seen through his powerful facade, and were greatly humoured by the softness, the fear, inside Shadepaw's heart. Surely Shellpaw had seen through his facade already. That was one friend he couldn't hide from, one friend who knew he was a coward.
And being a coward wouldn't be so bad, if he wasn't a Clan cat. But Clan cats were expected to be brave. To become a warrior, an apprentice had to promise to protect their Clan, even at the cost of their lives. Did StarClan not realise what a great service they were asking from these cats? How could Clan leaders ask such a question with a straight face? Not every cat was born a hero, born with the courage to leap into battle, a shining star, ready to defend their Clanmates. Some cats just weren't... what this sort of society wanted them to be. Some Clan cats were born with a kittypet's mind, while others were born with the mind of a warrior.
Like Mousepaw. Shadepaw smiled fondly at the thought of his friend, a cat he truly loved. Mousepaw had been born a kittypet, but had shown time and time he was truly capable of being a Clan cat. At four moons, he'd been abandoned by his twolegs. And yet he'd survived, become stronger, and had become a cat Shadepaw felt genuine admiration for. Perhaps it was Mousepaw's survival that gave Shadepaw the slightest whisker of hope that his brother wasn't dead. Lightkit had disappeared from ThunderClan at three moons, only one moon younger than Mousepaw had been when he had been abandoned. Maybe Lightkit could have survived after all...
Shadepaw hoped so. StarClan could torment Shadepaw all that they wanted, lay their claws on to his mind, play with it like a toy, but they had to protect Lightkit. They had to.
Shadepaw wasn't like a 'model warrior.' Yes he was strong, but he was small, lacking the ripping muscles of some of the cats he saw at Gatherings. He was a rat in comparison. If he didn't live up to the expectations of a Clan, what good was there for him?
Not long ago, a Dark Forest warrior, Ashbird, had visited Shadepaw in a dream. It was then, honestly, that Shadepaw had known how things would turn out. Ashbird had seen something dark inside him, hence why he had offered to train him. But, in denial of his fate, Shadepaw had rejected his offer. Because he wanted to be good, he really did, he wanted to be good so, so badly. He wanted to go back to the sweet, innocent kit he had been before losing his brother. He wanted that with every inch of his body. Forget rebellion, forget power, forget revenge, Shadepaw just wanted to go back in time to be a kit again. Maybe he could save Lightkit. Maybe he could save himself. Shadepaw believed in StarClan, he loved StarClan, but was becoming increasingly convinced that they didn't love him. Why had they turned him into a such a mess if they did?
Shadepaw was ungrateful. He was so, so ungrateful. He could play angsty teenager all he liked, but he knew that the lives of many of his Clanmates had been way worse. Mousepaw - abandoned by his twolegs, forced to fend for himself at the age of only four moons. Shellpaw was deaf in one ear, which had to suck. Pepperkit...
Pepperkit, one of the few cats Shadepaw hated with every inch of his body. And yet, he wore scars despite being young, just like Shadepaw. Whatever he had gone through before coming to ThunderClan had been traumatic, and he'd clearly hardened himself as a consequence of that. There was no other reason why Pepperkit could possibly be so incredibly experienced, so tough, so cold. Shadepaw had been curious about him at first, frustrated by him, and yet wanting to get to know him better. Something told Shadepaw they were more similar than either of them would ever understand. But they were enemies, and Shadepaw just wanted Pepperkit to suffer, no matter the pain he had gone through.
Shadepaw had a good life - parents who loved him, and plenty of friends. He was doing incredibly well in his training, and to many cats, he probably seemed... happy, confident... and so on.
He was strong physically, so surely he had to be strong emotionally.
There was no reason why Shadepaw should be so unhappy. StarClan had blessed him with many great things, and yet he chose to throw a tantrum over nothing. Pepperkit hadn't even killed him - there was no reason to be upset! Shadepaw's feelings couldn't possibly be valid, not when other cats had much greater reasons to be upset than him. Shadepaw had no valid reason to become the villain he was planning on becoming, he had no tragic backstory, no way for others to cry and sympathise. He had nothing, and he was nothing. And as his feelings were so incredibly invalid, so childish, so embarrassing, there was no way he could confide in anyone, firstly because they wouldn't understand, and secondly, quite obviously, because Pepperkit would kill him.
But Pepperkit wasn't even the problem. Everything was. His agony had been building up before the bengal had attacked him, leaving him wounded.
This had been building up ever since he had lost his brother, and he had NEVER stopped hurting.
There was only one path left for Shadepaw to take, all other options torn away from him. A life of darkness, a life of sin, a life of doing everything his loved ones would hate to see him doing. Perhaps through the choice he was about to make, he would lose them too.
Maybe he really was doomed to lose everything.
Evil. Shadepaw was evil. There was clearly no other answer for who he was, for his identity. Ever since three moons, he'd felt a lack of concern for his Clanmates. He'd felt nothing upon seeing the dead body of a Clanmate, even as a kit. He remembered a time he had watched the clouds with poor, 'Probably Dead But StarClan Knows What Actually Happened To Her' Moonpaw, and had immediately seen one of the clouds as a claw. A claw... of all things. He had always been obsessed with fighting, had always gotten angry too easily (he'd gone and beaten up a tree after Pepperkit beat him in a fight, and had returned to the tree on many occasions after that, to decorate it with more scars). Clearly he was the villain in this story, his mind perfectly suited to such a lifestyle.
He truly hadn't had a chance. A cat like himself had been a fool to think he could be anything else. He'd had so many hopes, so many dreams...
"Mom! Dad! When I'm older, I want to be Clan leader!" Shadekit yapped excitedly, showing off his best battle moves. He wobbled a little, every movement a sign of innocence, his bright eyes shining as he managed to keep his balance.
Eyes welling up, Shadepaw thought about how badly he'd wanted to be a father in the future, a good father at that. But what if he failed? The thought of failing his kits terrified him. He'd had a conversation with Mousepaw about the topic, and had made his feelings embarrassingly clear:
"And me, as a father?" Shadepaw had said to him, "I wouldn't even know where to start, probably would start neglecting the poor things. Praising them? Playing with them? Giving them advice? I'm not the best with emotions, and I feel like any kits of mine, in the end, would be better off not knowing me."
He wanted a mate in the future too, but if his little crush on Okapipaw was anything to go by, romance wasn't going to go well for Shadepaw. There were toms much more handsome, much more muscular, with better personalities than him. So what if he had pretty eyes? That would only get him so far.
There was no future for Shadepaw besides this one.
Tears beginning to fall down his face, weakening him, making his body tremble, the ebony pelted tom whispered, "Mom, dad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry Mousepaw, Shellpaw, Serpentpaw, Doepaw, Ivorypaw. I'm sorry Pumpkinstrut. Sorry Moonpaw, Okapipaw... I'm so sorry for being bad, I don't want to be bad..." his mew cracked as he continued, "StarClan, I'm so sorry, if you love me, if you can, please stop me... you have the power to do anything, right? Show yourselves, be useful, stop me from being bad, save me, please... please StarClan... Shadepaw loves you, he really does, okay? He's sorry for any time he's slandered your name as a joke, he's sorry for being so careless, so angry, so rebellious, he's even sorry for that stupid crush he had on that RiverClanner... don't punish anyone for the mess I am, and please... just save me from what I'm becoming..."
"Shadepaw says he's sorry. Okay?" his voice got louder, "Okay?" his voice got harsher, "OKAY?"
He could barely see, the tears from his eyes blinding him. StarClan weren't helping him because they didn't love him, because they'd set him up to fail. And yet Shadepaw knew that no matter what, he'd still love StarClan.
Idiots. First they messed up the weather, then they messed up his life.
"Mom? Dad? Someone... help me, please, I'm scared..." Shadepaw grabbed his head roughly between his paws, holding it tightly. He felt like he might explode, if he did not drown himself in his tears first. Repeatedly, he begged for help. Help from anybody, anybody, even Pepperkit...
Repeatedly, nobody came.
That was good. Shadepaw knew that if anyone got close to him, he would just drag them down into the darkness with him. No matter what, no matter how much hurt, this was for the best...
Pepperkit had beat Shadepaw while being messed up and bad. Now Shadepaw would become messed up and bad with him. They would go down together, one no better than the other, a pair of messes wronged by StarClan, wronged by their minds. Maybe once Shadepaw was strong enough, brutal enough, he would be able to beat Pepperkit, or at least defend himself against him.
Shadepaw was scared for his life, and Dark Forest training seemed like the only way to protect himself.
Fur burning with embarrassment, glad that no one had seen his childish display of weakness, the tom wiped away his tears, forcing his head roughly against the rock using his paws until his face was dry.
When he addressed Ashbird, he wanted to at least look strong.
Then he rose his head, before rising to his paws. He looked up at the sky - still empty. StarClan didn't want to save him, nobody did.
Look away, StarClan, cover your ears. You don't want to see or hear what's coming next.
Or maybe this is what you wanted from the start.
...I should be the one missing, not Lightkit. Why did it have to be me? My parents deserve a good son, a son who can make them happy, not a bad one.
I'm sorry.
"Ashbird," his voice, surprisingly deep for such a small and young cat, rang out clearly. There were no signs of weakness in his voice, his facade more powerful than ever. His mind screamed, but he wouldn't listen. If StarClan wouldn't save him, if living cats wouldn't save him, how could Shadepaw save himself? And so he spoke with strength to the Dark Forest warrior, hoping he would hear him, hoping he would take him on as his apprentice despite Shadepaw initially rejecting him thanks to his stupid conscience. "I'm ready to train with you, so come to me. THIS is what I want. This is all that I want."
"that's just what gangsters do."