NOBODY ELSE BUT ME \ arcticwind

  • He figured it was about time to visit her. Oh, how clueless he was when it came to these things- to relationships, to anything to do with love. Because he did love her, despite everything, and he wanted her to know that- despite whatever shit they put each other through, there was always something within him that meant he did not want to let her go. It was... a break, wasn't it? Just a break... they could get through this. He could give her the break they needed. But... he couldn't let her rot in the medicine cat's den, wither. He wanted her to know that he cared.


    For a moment, he thought that he might bring her something; flowers, herbs, prey... he stuck with the latter, padding through the threshold and letting the ivy brush the top of his head. Green eyes widened, he tilted his head as his gaze rested upon her, mouse held between his jaws. "Arc," he murmured, voice croaky and quiet. The pain and volume of the rat bites had exhausted him; but nothing compared to what she had experienced. He wanted her to know, no matter what happened between them, that he cared for her. He cared for her immensely, her star-woven pelt and how she spoke in poems to him. And though he didn't love everything she did.. he did love her. He was sure of that, through everything. No matter what stupid crap he did- not caring for himself in grief or rushing into battle.


    But he wasn't here to beg. He wasn't here to speak of love, or to apologise for everything he had done, or to ask her to apologise. He was here fr the simple reason that he wished to see her. "I brought you this," he murmured, setting down the rather scrawny mouse beside her.


    / ARCTICWIND


    ★★★★★★★★☆

    I AM THE GREATEST MOTHERFUCKER

    THAT YOU'RE EVER GONNA MEET

    TRAD. SKYCLAN — LEADER — TAGS, PENNED BY WALUIGIPINBALL

  • Dreadful was the atmosphere here and she was weighed down by it. Many cats were getting sick from the aftermath of the rat attack. Sedgeroot had joined them not too long ago. Amaryllispaw had joined them shortly afterwards. While both toms didn't have it as bad as her and Cloudednight, they were in pain. All of them were. The cats who went to fight the rats were in physical pain the most, but it was certainly a mental battle as well. The cats who didn't participate in the rat attack were pained in the sense of seeing many of their clan mates come back worse for wear. Some of these members had families, which caused nothing but concern. Virgo had burst into tears seeing her children return with wounds. I can't imagine how she must be feeling with Amaryllispaw being here with the rest of us. Thankfully, she didn't have children that were old enough to participate in horrors like this. However, she hoped Bosie wouldn't cry at seeing her horrid state. The last thing she wanted was for him to worry and cry over her. It was difficult not being able to visit, but she didn't want to get him or the other kits sick. She would never forgive herself for that.


    Anyhow, she wasn't even up for doing anything. Every day she woke up exhausted and sore. Today was just going to be another one of those long painful days, or so she thought. His voice called out to her. He was here. While they didn't exactly have the best relationship right now she still cared for him. Even if he pissed her off for breaking promises she loved him. He was an absolute fucking idiot that got them into this mess, but he was the cat she fell in love with. Honestly, she had awful tastes in mates. However, she couldn't deny that despite her awful tastes she wouldn't have it any other way. She groaned at him, as if to tell him that she heard and acknowledged his presence. Slowly, she adjusted her body to face him. It was more than evident that she was spent from the battle. She hadn't been sleeping well either, but that was from pain. Really, just something as simple as adjusting herself was exhausting. She just hoped he wouldn't beat himself up due to her current state. Even she refused to acknowledge the cuts, bites, and scars from this ordeal.


    The scrawny mouse he offered her was met with a sigh, "Don't you think this is in awful taste?" After all, they went off into battle with rats. These rats that she learned Juniperstar had called big mice. Juniperstar had sent the patrol to fight big mice. Now, here he was offering a scrawny mouse. It definitely was a gift in poor taste. It's the though that counts I guess. Still, she gazed upon the mouse in apprehension. She really didn't want to retch this meal up later. Her appetite was non existent at this point. The dizziness she was experiencing caused her to groan as she passed the scrawny mouse back to him. It's not that she didn't want to eat out of lingering hatred towards him. She really just couldn't stomach anything right now. "Thanks Juni, but I'm... I'm not hungry. I haven't been hungry." I don't want to throw it all up again.


    Silence would pass between them before she spoke up again, "If you want to talk to me about that, can it wait? I'm not... Feeling too good." With that she closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing, but only labored breaths escaped her lips. She was, no... She is in pain. That much was obvious to Juniperstar. He had to respect that. That she really couldn't do much in this state.

    THE UNITS OF EXISTENCE ON THE NATURAL STAGE

    BECOME AN ART OF IMAGINARY —↠ ARCTICWIND┊BIOGRAPHY

  • She heard her groan and felt a pang at how pained she sounded. As she adjusted to face him, he felt guilty for even asking after her in the first place; she seemed extremely pained to even attempt such a movement, and he moved toward her gently, without darting sharply as he often did. She seemed stretched extremely thin, sickened by the battle that had ripped so many of his warriors apart. He hated to see her like this, and know it was his rashness that had gotten her so badly wounded. She could have died- such a thought made him exceedingly afraid.


    A knot tied his stomach, seeing her like this, and he snorted at her comment- half in humour, and half in humiliation. "I guess so," he commented, eyes of green flickering down to fall upon the rodent. Did it not bring joy to see something resembling the enemy dead? He would have figured so, but... he only felt nauseous at the sight. He'd heard of her vomiting episode, and thought maybe she'd be ready to eat yet, but... apparently not. She seemed disorientated, constantly wright by exhaustion and sickness, and all he wanted to do was be at her side, and tell her that he'd support her through it, that he was sorry for being so foolish. But he didn't know if she even wanted him around anymore. She needed a break... and stars, he had tried to give her that. But she was still so alluring. He had fallen in love with her, hadn't he? How foolish he had been. Yet... he was not filled with regret.


    "I- sorry," he murmured, eyes half lidded as he looked to his paws. He didn't want to be a nuisance to her, to force upon her gifts that she didn't want. There was a silence between them, before she uttered words... sounding so, utterly exhausted. Her words did not hold the airy lightness they often did, but were weighed down by all the pain. Not just physical pain, but... pain he might have caused her, too. How could he ever have let himself be something that hurt her? The apology he murmured was not just an apology for bringing her food, it was an apology that held everything behind it, everything he couldn't quite put into words. And as she continued to speak, she asked him not to talk about it; and they both knew what it was. "I know," he hushed, for he had never been looking for that sort of chat here, not now. "I didn't come here for that. I just... wanted to see you," he admitted. Whatever it was that stood between them, he wanted her to know he'd always be there. He wasn't going to give up on her, not now and not ever. He wouldn't just let her fester here.


    ★★★★★★★★☆

    I AM THE GREATEST MOTHERFUCKER

    THAT YOU'RE EVER GONNA MEET

    TRAD. SKYCLAN — LEADER — TAGS, PENNED BY WALUIGIPINBALL

  • Normally she'd laugh alongside his snort, but she really had no energy for that. Glad I could make you laugh. Although, she will admit that the conversation became awkward in a hot second. She could practically hear the crickets in the background. Heck, throw in someone coughing in the background to emphasize the point. Well... If you just came here to bring food, then be on your merry way Juniperstar. You're killing me here with the atmosphere. If she could, she would have walked away from this conversation a long time ago. Alas, her wrecked state wouldn't allow her that option. The only option she had was to stay put and deal with whatever hell Juniperstar had yet to unleash. She had told him not to speak of it, but Juniperstar was always rather stubborn. He could yell at her here and now, and she couldn't even do a thing about it.


    An apology from him raised a metaphorical brow. Normally she'd say not to worry about it, yet she could care less. Maybe it was just the effects from the fight that she really just didn't care about his apology. Heck, she was barely processing what was going on or what he was saying. Everything was a daze. Her mind was muddled by the pain. Anything anyone said she just took it in on a surface level of understanding. In her top form she would take apart the meaning behind his apology, but in her current state she just went along with the apology meant for the poor choice of prey given to her. Later, when she was much better she'll take it apart for analysis. Maybe. She'd probably forget tomorrow or in a few hours actually. Oh well.


    "I just... wanted to see you."


    Those words resonated with her more than ever. She was shocked to hear him declare such strong words, but her deteriorated health would not allow her to express anything other than pain. All he wanted despite everything was to see her. When she had last spoken with him his words were laced with venom. The "fine" he had told her was laced with rage and a sense of betrayal. A couple of nights did those words grip her and shook her violently. As if she had committed a grave crime, yet she found herself with no regrets. In those dreams where Juniperstar wanted nothing to do with her and found another love out of spite, she would gaze upon him in pity with Bosie by her side. Pity at the fact that Juniperstar continued to run and hide from the reality and gravity of their situation. Without a doubt both of them were guilty. Both of them had done things to hurt another, whether it be purposeful or unintentional. A lack of communication was their biggest crime.


    Crime would come with a judgement. Whether or not this break was their judgment was yet to be seen. Juniperstar was also unaware of her idea with Mottlewish. That she wanted to create a future without the obsessive belief towards Starclan. Come to think of it, he had no idea what she did most of the time. In her case that was fine, since he wouldn't try and stop her in the goals she worked towards. However, she was well aware her secretive nature would catch up to her and she would be punished one way or another. Were the injuries and sickness she obtained from the rats punishment? She wasn't sure, nor did she bother to fancy that thought. What mattered now was Juniperstar's presence. A presence she couldn't say she hated, loved, and feared for sure.


    A sudden realization came to her. I've been staring at him for so long now... Maybe I've been scaring him. "Sorry," she finally answered with a groan. The apology was given, but she simply said it with nothing specific in mind. Heck, she didn't even know what she was apologizing for. Was it for wanting a break? Was it for being in this state? Was it for adopting Bosie without talking about it beforehand? Was it nearly dying? There was just so much to apologize for. It all became to much and she moved with a hiss of pain to face away from him. Looking at Juniperstar now would only make her crumble and she would be damned to allow him to see her even more miserable. "For scaring you," she added. He didn't need her to elaborate. If he didn't know what she meant then he hadn't grown one bit.


    Do you understand now? How it felt when you died on me? Or are you still an idiot who still lacks self worth that you don't care about the effect you have on others? Ah, there was that dizziness again. She couldn't allow herself to become too frustrated or else the sharp pain in her head would continue. Her claws were now unsheathed as she flexed them in order to try and relieve the pain she was experiencing. "...What would you have done if I died?" Shit. That wasn't something she was supposed to say, but she'd be lying if she didn't want to hear him say he'd be terribly hurt. Once he said that, then she'd go off on him for dying. However, as much as she wanted to... She was too fucking tired for that. With a heavy sigh, she added, "Never mind. Forget it. I'm happy you came to see me, despite everything. Don't worry too much about me, you've got to look out for everyone else too. Most importantly yourself." If only. If only you could take care of yourself then I would be able to rest easy.

    THE UNITS OF EXISTENCE ON THE NATURAL STAGE

    BECOME AN ART OF IMAGINARY —↠ ARCTICWIND┊BIOGRAPHY

  • He wondered if he'd said something wrong, from the way that she stared at him. It reminded him of how she's stared at him when she had asked after a break... and he hadn't said anything right, then. He'd left her with a word- not a question, not an explanation, not even the starter for an argument. A word. The cinnamon tom refused to tell himself that he was an unforgivably horrible person, though... he had the capability to improve. He could, if he tried; he'd been told it enough. Poppy seeds no longer rested beneath his nest, and he had begun to believe that he wasn't just disposable, with the eight lives he bore. No, he meant something, and people really did care if a life was torn from him. It was a strange thought, one that didn't quite sit right within his head yet... but he found he didn't really have to pretend that it did.


    Still, despite her extensive silence, he did not expect an apology from her. He didn't believe it was necessary. Why should she have to apologise to him? Yet... perhaps in his heart he felt more at peace, which made his own words spill free. "I'm sorry, too," he said, his tone hushed. She'd know what he was apologising for. For breaking his promise, for sinking back into a state and worrying everyone. For everything he'd ever done to hurt her. He lowered himself until he was laid down, not close beside her but beside her nonetheless. He didn't need her apology and he didn't come here to say sorry, yet... it had happened anyway. Such was the way with the world, he supposed. He understood true fear now, he supposed. Those few moments when she had almost fainted at his side, and he had truly felt as if she might die- he had never felt gripping guilt, fear and nausea all at once. And though it was over now- not completely, but temporarily- he still felt that sickening fear even thinking about it. What must she have felt? If she cared about him as much as he hoped... probably a very similar sensation.


    Her next words visibly caught him off guard. So much that he laughed out of shock, clearly unaware of any other reaction he could give. What kind of question was that? She'd said never mind, but he couldn't really shake a question like that, and he felt compelled to answer it. "Arc, if you'd have died I would have been beside myself." he admitted. "And I wouldn't have been quiet about it." She knew as well as anyone how horrid he was at being vulnrable- yet, if she was ripped from his grasp, any walls he had to shield his vulnerability likely would have crumbled. "I will look after myself. I've been doing pretty good so far," he said, a smile on his lips. Nowadays, he didn't feel quite as much like he was running on empty. Though there were hardships, his ability to cut through them was beginning to sharpen again. "That doesn't mean I can't look after you too, though. I want to be worried about you." They were both stubborn, weren't they? He supposed they'd just have to stop getting into situations that worried the other.


    ★★★★★★★★☆

    I AM THE GREATEST MOTHERFUCKER

    THAT YOU'RE EVER GONNA MEET

    TRAD. SKYCLAN — LEADER — TAGS, PENNED BY WALUIGIPINBALL

  • Apologies. Why is it that these days all they had were apologies for one another? When did it start? When would it end? She wasn't sure anymore. Of the beginning and of the end. All she could do in this moment was recognize his apology, which was met with a faint nod of her head. These apologies did little to soothe their hearts, but it was enough to push them forward in these dark times. One had to take risks when achieving their goals. It seemed their bond was the risk they needed to take to move forwards these days, which made sense. Their new roles meant spending less time with each other, so they needed to work harder to try and maintain their bond. Their bond now was hanging on a fragile string. Who knows when the string will finally snap? Thoughts like these were better left for another day. She had to focus on the fact that they still had something between them. No matter how fragile.


    The laughter emitting from him was unexpected, for he'd usually scold her for uttering nonsense. "Why can't you make sense?"Ah, those words still burned from long ago. A distant memory, but no matter how distant the weight it held was still here. No matter how much she wanted to forget it would be burned to memory, which meant it would forever remain an invisible scar. While he laughed, her shock turned into exasperation. Although, he wouldn't be able to tell from her stoic expression. As always, you ruin the mood. I did say never mind, right?! JUST SHU-, her thoughts were cut off by the sudden pang in her head. The pang was enough to make her sway slightly. In this moment it was just her. Juniperstar, the heavy scent of herbs, the nest underneath her, and the other cats were all non-existent. She was well aware they were here, but for a moment everything was a blur. Even her own paws.


    Refocus. Yes, she had to refocus. Breath in. Breath out. Focus on Juniperstar's voice. "...I would have been beside myself." Yes, good, she was back on track. If he had been paying attention then he would have noticed her shifting expressions. They were all laced with pain, but it had been a mess of expressions. Fear, confusion, aimless, and recognition. It wasn't terrifying, but it was unlike her. Granted, she was still recovering from the attack. If Juniperstar said nothing about it then it wasn't a major concern. He probably knew already the reason for her swaying and lack of awareness? If that was the best word to describe it. Whatever the case, she was able to take in his words.


    It was her turn to laugh, "That's comforting to hear." Was that too morbid of a thought? Or was that just morbid? Morbid to be pleased he would be genuinely upset if she died. It was comforting for her because it meant she held some importance to someone. That I mean something to someone. Unlike many of the cats here she didn't have a family. No grandfather, grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins, parents, or siblings. They wouldn't mourn her. Juniperstar still had siblings around to mourn him, which meant he mattered to more cats. I'd be happy if even just one cat mourned me. There goes the morbid thoughts again, but she did bring up death. Death was often unpleasant, so she had herself to blame for this one. Still, there was something she needed to say to him. "...You hurt me you know. When you died I was just so angry and wanted to throttle you for it. To be honest I wanted nothing to do with you and wanted to exclude you from my life." She was being a bit too blunt, but moments like these were meant to be treasured. He may be upset with her for admitting this, but he had to try and understand where she was coming from. That she too felt pain when he died. Well... She didn't die, but she had been on the brink of death. It's not like she had nine lives, well eight now like him.


    "I knew it was wrong of me to ignore you, but if I tried pretending any longer to be okay I would have lost control. Sedgeroot told me to talk to you. Granted, he scolded me for telling you I wanted a break like that. The truth is... The truth is I was supposed to talk to you sooner, but you just became leader and I didn't want to bother you. You had so much to deal with and I didn't want to bring up things. Things that should've been said earlier. Maybe... Maybe if I said it earlier, then we wouldn't be in this mess."


    A brief moment of silence would pass between them before she burst out into laughter. Well, that laughter was soon met with a groan of pain. Why is it she couldn't laugh like she wanted to? Oh, right... The injuries she sustained from the rat battle. "Guess we're both terrible at talking with each other, huh?" Probably not the best time to joke around about something so serious, yet she couldn't help it. Maybe it was out of guilt for admitting her feelings. That she wanted to exclude him from her and her own faults. Both of them had flaws. Both of them have been hurting each other. Even if they didn't mean to, they both ended up doing things that hurt the other.


    Thankfully, there was something good that came out of this. News that Juniperstar had been indeed getting better. That he was trying his best. A sign of growth. She wasn't sure if she was growing, but she was striving too. That's why she looked at him with a genuine smile, "I'm glad. That's all I ever wish for you, so I'm glad you're doing good so far." There was no need to lie about that wish. He may be shocked for her to admit that wish, but he was truly an idiot. That's all she had been wishing for him from the very start. She had said it numerous times in the past, so why is it now that he would be shocked? In truth she knew the reason why. The reason: he was finally learning to value himself.


    "I want to be worried about you."


    "You want to be worried about me? Now that doesn't sound sincere," she chuckled. Wow, what a way to kill the mood. The reality is that she understood what he meant, but didn't like how he worded it. Call her petty, but... It sounds like an obligation that you're having a hard time fulfilling. Turning away from him, she sighed, "You don't need to ask me permission to be worried. If you're worried, you're worried. If you want to be worried, then you aren't worried." That wasn't statement alone could lead to a huge debate, but that wasn't her intention. Not to mention she really didn't want an argument to rise from this. She wasn't up to having an argument here in the medicine cat den while she was still recovering.


    With a grunt and hiss of pain, she rose to her paws. I want to get out. Swaying slightly as she rose, she returned her gaze at him with a strained smile from pain, "Be honest with yourself, Juniperstar. What do you feel? What do you wish for? What do you loathe? Once you're honest with yourself you can accept those things and move on." That's what she was going to leave him to ponder about. With that said and done, she slowly staggered as she attempted to make her way outside the medicine cat den.

    THE UNITS OF EXISTENCE ON THE NATURAL STAGE

    BECOME AN ART OF IMAGINARY —↠ ARCTICWIND┊BIOGRAPHY