• upset, angry, sad

    「 i'm just ____ and — i'm pandering, bantering, i'd actually prefer 」

    no one listening to me, I'm used to it in my family, I geared towards it to more of my own choice so I wouldn't bother anyone dealing with there own problems but right now the move is really hard for me. Moving from friends I've grown to genuinely love and enjoy spending time with, to "a whole new world." And the only reason for doing so is for college and pursuing an art degree. Which is what I want, but I also feel like, "hey just moving that much more into a direction where i dig myself in deeper shit." And I get it that maybe friends should feel you are just as special as you perceive them, but I hate it, I hate when people try to make feel special, I hate it so much, because it's bullshit. I am not special, technically no one is special, especially me who knows it, so fucking stop it. I have messed up in life, and made really dumb decisions, i am not special. The people that are special are who have overcome their obstacles and failures and achieved success, their dreams. I haven't done that. So fucking stop telling me I'm special because you're fucking wrong.

    I'm angry too, at the fake, plastic people, surprisingly more common among family members than strangers. there for you because they are basically imprisoned to do so. Whether by law or by blood. It's the biggest sham in life, and i hate this too. Don't pretend to love each other, when you don't, or to appease someone you love in your family. i'm tired of this, fuck off. I would so rather you tell me your real feelings, but you save face for someone else you actually care about or because you want to be "moralistic."

    I'm not an idiot. Please quit treating me like an idiot, I am really tired of this, I'm not stupid. You teach me one way of family, and then your actions teach me another. So we just use each other, right? Marriage is not some lovey dovey bullshit, it's a contract. Everything is an image, and that's really it other than underlying tensions and pathways covered in egg shells. And on top of it, you hypocrites, none of you will address it. Let sleeping dogs lie, even though their eyes are wide, and their teeth are bared, and sometimes they growl, bark, and bite.

    I'm crazy. I'm not an idiot.