coping with childhood trauma//trauma & abuse mention

  • I've probably talked eons and eons about my really no-good-terrible childhood. Unfortunately, my childhood wasn't that long ago and some people think even when you're 19 it's still going on. Why is it that I feel absolutely ancient then in about twenty minutes I feel like i'm a bumbling toddler? Guess it's just that weird time in-between 'true adult hood' and 'am i still a teen/kid/over-glorified big kid?' Hell if I know.

    My parents never taught me to sow, write a check, work a vehicle/keep up its maintenance, fold towels, not mix certain chemicals. They rarely if ever attended my band concerts, marching shows or cared about my art. For a very brief time they showed interest but only because they figured I could make money out of it/I was some craaazy amazing artist making bank. Once they realized I was just a 14 year old getting around $1-3 every other month or so for a commission of a lions head on Lioden they quickly lost interest. Made fun of my love for FF and belittled my interests. Any friends I had they would pretend to adore them to their face, but once they left all I got was mountain loads of complaints. "Why do they look like a dyke?" "Why is he so short?" "Why did that boy dress like that?" "God, why are they so loud/ugly/obnoxious."

    Altogether I just stopped inviting people over because every time I did my parents made a point to make me feel awful over things that didn't even matter to me. I didn't care that my friend 'looked like a dyke' I thought her hairstyle was really cute. There's literally NOTHING wrong with being short. Clothes are clothes, why do you care? They aren't ugly or obnoxious and if they are loud then so am I - what of it? My parents had absolutely no room to judge and they both had horrendous childhoods. You would think they'd be much more understanding but all I received was judgment.

    It wasn't like they had money or were pompous. Pride was just an ugly part of my parents facade to the world of "Oh we love our children! We're awesome parents! We are oh-so understanding and never fight!" I watched my dad break my moms foot, my parents forgot I existed for a month after my older brother died and my dad screamed at my face that he hated me/didn't love me anymore bc I called the police on him. What was funny was that he ran back in the room and tried to take it back. I told him he couldn't then he proceeded to argue like a child with me over whether or not he could take it back.... Ha.

    Fast forward through at least 8-9 years of emotional abuse and here I am. In college, no job and with no family. Dorming with my girlfriend of 1 year/best friend of 10 years and learning that everything that happened to me was just god awful. I've no money for mental help, and I just had to take my girlfriend to the ER... We've no insurance much less means to pay any of it off so just another sad bill to pile on to keep ourselves healthy/alive. Yet im so fucking happy to be away from my family. Is that cruel? Probably, but they are finally 3000+ miles away from me and I can just finally start trying to get better. If not for others then at least for myself... Thank god.

  • aa it's not wrong to feel better after leaving them behind! it's a good thing to love your family, but you don't have to. don't let anyone tell you that you have to like them just because they birthed you or something. plus, a family can be chosen. you and your gf are a family, and that's all that matters. i'm really sorry for all you've been through, but i'm so glad that you're getting a better start! i wish you luck on finding a job to help you and your gf, and if you need any help with putting together some sort of resume or searching for college jobs, and i can try to help!

    and tbh i don't know how to sew or balance a check either or keep up with my car. i know some very very basic stuff but that's it i literally just rolling with it and hoping nothing breaks at this point

    though my car's brake did disengage and we had to take it in but that's not an at-home fix for me so oop

    just focus as best you can on school! do what you love now! go make art and join clubs because college is a great way to do that kind of stuff for free and make some friends. you and your friends and your gf can be your new family, and just surround yourself with the positivity of people who understand you!