| strawberry wine |

”yeah i know. but it wasn’t a lot. i didn’t put away a pack a day, you know? one pack would last me a little over a week. sometimes i still get the craving for it. but i know it won’t be a problem for me. i don’t plan on starting again.” collin had put away a lot of cigarette packets when his dad had died but had weaned off of it slowly because he knew his dad wouldn’t have wanted him doing it. “its probably the hardest thing i’ve went through and i’m still going through it. it’s not something you can sit on for a week and get it over it, like a pets death or something. it’s different.” collin picked at the comforter on the bed, tugging at a loose string like was coming out. the more he tied to push the memories away, the more they pushed back. collin had never went through the stages of grief that most people did, he had stopped it before it had the chance to start. suppressing it didn’t make him feel better, it really hit collin hard at night, but it was better than him breaking him down randomly.

“we can step out and tell her real quick.” collin nodded. he hadn’t used the delivery services and didn’t know how it worked. “ill leave all of that to you though, i don’t really order much, whether it’s good or stuff online. i’d rather go buy it myself.” collin pulled his blanket around himself just for comfort and sighed. “i kind of like it here though. everyone is nice. they treat me like family, especially emily.” he had grown fond of the nurse over the past couple of days and considered her to be a friend of his.

”yes, mom.” collin rolled his eyes but smiled. his parents had requested the same thing of him a few years back but he hadn’t listened. he had slacked off a good bit before his dad had gotten into the accident. collin could still remember the sweet taste of the nicotine on his lips and again, he was glad he was in a facility where tobacco products were forbidden on the property. now, collin bit back the comment that he already had cancer so did it really even matter if he puffed on a cigarette or not? that was a selfish thought and collin quickly wiped it away. he didn’t even want to get into that conversation. “ill talk about it one day but not today.” collin had refused to talk to his mother or even his grandparents about it. he had considered going to a therapist to help him handle it but with the negative stigma surrounding the subject, collin hadn’t been able to bring himself to do so. the last thing he wanted was to be that ‘crazy person’ who had to have therapy for something so simple.

“we’ll decide on all of that if we even get to go anywhere, okay? i haven’t been out in awhile, it’ll take me a few minutes to remember everything there was to do.” when collin had been an active teen, he had been a round the town constantly, everywhere he was able too and even some places that he wasn’t exactly allowed to be in. he hadn’t been a troublemaker but collin had a knack of getting into those places. he nodded at the mention of a restaurant. at that time, emily came in with a smile. “i assume this belongs to this room?”, she questioned and shook a couple of familiar brown bags in her hand.

collin nodded. it was good to have someone who was physically here for him but at the same time collin couldn’t help but feel worried. alex was clinging to him like they were old married lovers and he dreaded the possibility of it turning into an obsession. he wasn’t going through that again. collin gave zero indication of his thoughts and continued to plaster a smile on his face. “yeah i know”, he replied simply. collin flashed the same look to emily when she came in. it looked as if the nurse had given him sharp nod of approval when she found them together- again. “thanks, emily.” the blonde nodded once more and glanced at alex when he asked a question. “tomorrow? that’s short notice but i’ll see what i can do, i suppose. you’ll have to give me a bit, i’m a little busy.” but collin took the chance to wave his hand and interrupt her. “i didn’t have plans on going into town or taking anyone tomorrow. my grandparents are coming to see me and they’re bringing my little sister. i don’t want to rush them off.”

alex was indeed getting ahead of himself. collin glanced at him for a second. “id like to spend the day with them. i said i wanted you to meet them, i haven’t seen them in months. there’s plenty of other days we could out and do something.” he did his best not to sound rude but he wished alex would slow down a little. collin forced a tiny smile and smelled the food for the first time. he swore the corners of his mouth began to water. with the bag beside alex, collin leant forward one hopes of snagging a fresh fry from within it.

collin fought the urge to roll his eyes. why did alex take offense so easily? why did he act like he knew every single thought that collin was saying? collin had never said nor given any indication that he hadn’t wanted alex to stay with him or that was worried about him becoming obsessed and it was getting annoying that it kept happening. “see what you can do. i’d really appreciate it, emily.” a confused look crossed her face but she only nodded, slipping out just as quick as she had come in. collin watched as alex stood. he had never told any of the nurses what had happened and as far as he knew, neither had alex. that was probably why she looked confused when she left. but collin nodded and took the bag from alex. there was no point in questioning the sudden change in motives or why alex had chosen to leave. they weren’t close enough for that and collin really shouldn’t have cared at all. “see you tomorrow.” collin watched him go before he pulled his own food out of the bag.

alex was a nice person, collin would admit. but sometimes the way he acted- even after two days of knowing him- was bothersome towards collin. but he let him go, not bothering to stop him. the free time he had now could he spent reading or drawing. collin might have even grabbed his computer or phone to research more of what his cancer really was and how it was to be treated.

sad alex just makes me sad ;u;

collin had taken the time apart from alex to finish the piece of art he had begun from the garden the day prior. the sketch was finished and he had only painted the bee but he wanted to finish the flowers and grass around it. he would save the bench for last. it took him well over an hour before he finally put his small paint brushes aside. collin held it up to the light of the television and smiled, satisfied by what he had done. it wasn’t his best but it was small, not quite covering the entire page and collin was proud of it. setting it aside, collin took his painting materials and pencils and put them neatly away in their containers, followed by the paint. while it dried, collin took the opportunity to take a shower. it lasted longer than any others had since he had been here and the mirror was fogged over by the time collin finished. he chose black pajama pants- which he had an abundance of- and a comfortable grey t-shirt to put on.

collin checked his phone, expecting to see some sort of message from alex but when he saw nothing, he was surprised. collin had noticed the sudden change in attitude but didn’t say anything earlier. he glanced at his painting then back at his phone before pulling up his messages to alex. “hey, i’ve got something for you. can i come over?” collin pressed send and sat his phone down. the silence and quiet time was nice, it had given him a bit to rest and work on his hobbies but eventually it got to him. the silence gave him too much time with his thoughts and collin checked his phone repeatedly to see if alex had answered him back.

collin wasted no time snatching his phone up and opening the message. shoving it into the pajama pocket, he jumped up and took the painting with him. collin took a few moments to straighten his shirt and ruffle his wet hair. a few droplets went flying. collin left his room, closing the door behind him. the halls outside of their rooms were empty, save for the occasional passing body. collin assumes the nurses and technicians must have been making their rounds, checking on the patients they were assigned too who weren’t able to care for themselves. collin realised just how lucky he was to be able to get up out of bed by himself and use the toilet. he sighed and looked back to alex’s closed door. he paused, considering knocking on the door and waiting for alex to let him in. but collin didn’t. opening the door, he made his way into the dimly lit room and closed the door behind him. it took collin’s eyes a few seconds to adjust to the different lighting. his own room was a little brighter, even when he just had the small table lamp on.

when they finally adjusted, collin smiled. “i wanted to give you this.” collin went to the side of the bed where alex was curled up and sat down just beside him before he held the finished painting up. “i showed it to you last when it was just the bee, remember? but i wanted to finish it and give it to you, if you want it...” he held it out, a happy smile on his face. it was the first thing collin had done in a while that had actually made him feel good and nothing would top that off more than for alex to take it. “i thought you would like it...” collin added.

”you really like it?” collin didn’t want to blow his own whistle but he knew it was good work. a delighted smile went across his face. with a careful hand, collin tore the drawing across the dotted line at the top of the page until it was free. he laid it down on the table where the light from the lamp shined on it. “there you go.” collin folded the pad back around so it was closed and sat it down next to him. “its the first thing i’ve done in such a long time.” he glanced back over at before resting his hands on his lap. other than bringing the drawing over, collin hadn’t had a clue what else he would say. looking to alex, he noticed he didn’t appear as bright as he had before. was that the right word? alex looked tired for the time since collin had laid eyes on him. “you...look like you don’t feel good...” there was no way to get around the question so collin just came right out with it. it was a big deal but he hadn’t wanted to offend him.

collin took a few moments to lean over the side of the bed to check the oxygen tank. it was low, lower than he wanted to see. that looked to be about where it was when it had run out that morning. “ill be right back...” he stood and left the room. collin looked around the dim halls until he spotted who he was looking for. “emily! i need a tank.” the nurse glanced over her shoulder and smiled before telling him where all of the spares and equipment was kept. collin hurried off to get one before he came back to alex’s room. collin lifted it with a small smile. he knelt down beside the bed and began changing them out. with the situation calm, collin did it with ease, pulling the old tank aside when he was done. “youll be good now.” collin leaned the tank against the wall before before sitting back down beside alex.

“oh...” collin looked away then, focusing on anything else in the room. it wasn’t much to offer, especially in comfort, but collin didn’t know what to say. he had never felt that way, that he could remember and wasn’t positive on how to handle it. “maybe...maybe it’s just a bad night...”, collin offered in an attempt to be helpful. it wasn’t his strongest skill but he knew that sitting there like a stump on a log would be even worse. “we all have bad days- nights in your case- and we always get through it. you’ve gotten through worse than this.” collin tried to smile then. his own words didn’t make much sense to him but it counted that he was already trying. collin knew what it was like to have bad days, especially when it seemed that they would never end but they always did. collin on the other hand, had never felt as if something had snapped in him but he didn’t say anything on that. “youve been pushing through for a years. a few more months and you’ll be good to go.”

collin went quiet then but gave a shrug. “cant risk you not being able to breathe. i’ll lose my mind in here if i didn’t have anyone to spend time with.” collin didn’t want a repeat of that morning because that had terrified him. the sound alex’s voice had made when he said he couldn’t breathe was something he couldn’t get out of his mind. collin frowned when alex spoke then. “why?” he reached out and took alex’s hand in a firm grip. “i want to be around you because i like you, alex.”

“if you were meant to be dead, and judging from what you’ve told me about you being here, you would’ve been dead a long time ago. way before i came here.” it was easiest to be blunt when talking about fighting or giving up. collin looked back down to their hands for a moment before looking back. “i don’t know why you’ve been put here to suffer as long as you have but i firmly believe that if you weren’t meant to be here then you would’ve been taken a long time ago. so no. you don’t need to give up and quit because you’re having one bad day, alex. it’s going to pass, just like everything else has. and i think that deep down, you know that too.” he watched alex sigh, not saying anything as he began to speak again. in a way, collin couldn’t blame him for feeling this way: when he had lost his dad, collin had felt like it would never end and at one point, he had wished himself dead too, just to be free of the pain. “it won’t be for nothing.”

as a friend. collin smiled slightly at the words, looking away from alex then. some people took months to get to know each other before confessing how they felt to one another and others took only days. collin looked back then and shook his head. “no”, he said in a simple tone, “i don’t like you as just a friend.” his lips broke into a crooked smile. “friends dont kiss each other like i kissed you.”

”drag me into this?” collin looked back with questioning eyes. “you didn’t drag me into this. my shitty immune system did. don’t you dare say that. and you didn’t make me come to this room, i chose too. you didn’t drag me into anything.” he couldn’t believe his ears when alex blamed himself for all of this. cancer was nothing either of them could control, it was no ones fault that they were here. “dont blame yourself”, collin added with a slight smile. he didn’t know where the sudden change in attitude from alex had come from but he didn’t like it. collin had been getting used to seeing alex always smiling and trying to lift others up. anything else just seemed wrong. collin knew it probably took a toll of alex trying to be happy and uplifting all the time when he had his own problems and treatments to deal with.

collin laughed quietly at the change in expression. “dont look so surprised.” he had never been one to beat around the bush on anything. collin was normally straightforward. “i don’t think rushing things would be an issue, even if we were. i mean, how much time are we actually guaranteed, alex?” he hated to come out and say it like that, he really did, but it was the best way to get his point across. collin moved and squished himself into the small area that was beside alex but kept his arms to himself. “everything is easy with you. you making all this”, collin gestured to the room around them, “so much easier, alex. i don’t care if it’s rushed or if other people see it as rushed, i like you. way more than a friend. i liked you when i met you.”