next up forever // joining

she had stopped counting the steps she’d taken since she’d gotten away hours ago. fern figured that something ought to keep her distracted while she walked. so she counted her steps. though paws and mind, weary after going in circles that seemed to last forever, we’re beginning to slow. and somewhere up in the thousands, fern had decided maybe counting was a little too exhausting right now. as if everything about this whole trip wasn’t already the most exhausting thing in the world.

and the knowledge that she had no set destination only caused her discouraged and exhausted mindset to delve further into a swirl of negativity. the air was sticky and humid, clinging to her body. it seemed to press against her in protest, asking ‘whyyyyy, whyyy are you still walkingggggg? rest here...!!!’. though to be honest, it seemed everything protested fern’s continued effort to walk ahead. it was pretty warm here, huh? maybe she could just... chill for a second. it wasn’t like this was anyone’s property. fern glanced around skeptically anyway, muscles tense. it wasn’t.... ideal. the air was thick and heavy with the sickly sweet scent of pine and sap. the ground beneath her paws was spongy with dried needles.

she wasn’t in any position to be picky though. her search for.... whatever she was looking for, could be put on hold. at least long enough for her to regain some strength.

// fern’s dumb ass walked right over the border ajagsjsgskdhdkjd

perhaps it was her own fatigue that resulted in her lack of attention. the combined heat in the air and unfamiliar scents were overwhelming. fernpaw decided it would be better to just.. shut it all off so that she could focus on pushing herself forward. of course the moment she had finally allowed herself to drop some of her focus, something like this happened. she’d even managed to walk right past this molly without even noticing her presence.

“who wants to know?”. fern replied defensively, looking up at tansyface through narrowed yellow eyes. brave words for someone that was apparently trespassing on someone else’s territory. she should have been paying more attention.

fern juggled between a couple of responses she could give tansyface, while not letting her glare drop. maybe she had time to run off. sure, her pride would be absolutely wounded, but at least the rest of her wouldn’t be. fern’s sable brown fur prickled, as she puffed up like a fish. the possible explanations or biting retorts she could return only bottled up in her head, and for a moment too long, she was stuck there, opening and closing her mouth with the beginnings of sentences she chose to abandon before she could even finish planning them out.

fortunately or unfortunately, she was saved from it, when another approached. a bicolor molly with round blue eyes. her words came out a little slower than tansy’s, and fern huffed impatiently as she waited for the other girl to finish speaking.

“no, i’m not lost.” she answered quickly. probably a little too quickly.

she wished she had gotten enough time to summon some sharp retort in response to canarypaw’s stumble with words, but a new presence suddenly made itself known with a flurry of fur, and...feathers.

fern flinched, as a small startled squeal of a protest made its way out of her parted jaws. she dropped her yellow gaze, frowning at the sudden heat that flooded her body. embarrassment. she’d completely managed to lose all of the pride she clung so tightly to within a few minutes of talking to theses strangers.

“well, feathers-for-brains” fern began, glaring at pigeonpaw. “I was in the middle of telling birdpaw number one over here that i’m actually trying to go somewhere” she replied curtly, clutching desperately to the last bit of pride she still had after squealing like a child. though she was probably going to lose it all in a few minutes.

her words were empty. fern knew that. she mentally whacked herself, before letting her shoulders slump slightly in defeat.  “i’m looking for somewhere to live. with other. cats. and stuff”  she mumbled, dropping her gaze.

auburn fur prickled with discomfort, underneath the heavy gazes that lay on her. fern flexed her claws, slipping them in and out into the dry needles and sun baked dirt beneath her paws. her ears remained pricked and pointed towards tansyface as the warrior spoke, but her yellow eyes remained stubbornly fixed on her own paws. the words swam through her ears, some unfamiliar and alien. what kind of a name was shadowclan, anyway? fern only looked up in surprise, when tansyface spoke of her staying there.

her first instinct was to snap back. who did this feline even think she was, to tell her to be humble? though she bit her tongue, inhaling sharply, before releasing a heavy sigh to match tansy’s.

staying in this..shadowclan. could she even make that kind of commitment? hell, fern didn’t even know a thing about shadowclan. she didn’t know anything about living with other cats and she most certainly didn’t know what it meant to be a part of some.. community. fern narrowed her eyes suspiciously, hesitating. why would she even be offered a chance? was this some kind of trap that she was blindly walking into?

“would a trial be negotiable? I understand that someone will have to keep an eye on me- that’s reasonable. but if I find that this... doesn’t work. would I be able to leave?” she continued, yellow eyes flicking upwards to search tansy’s for an answer. she had no idea what to expect. and she wasn’t going to risk walking into something she couldn’t back out of. yes, if need be, she could slip away. but really there was no way of knowing how many cats were really in this shadowclan.

it seemed they all liked to lurk within the shadows of the territory, slipping out into the pale light when it fit their fancy. fern observed that yet another clan cat approached, proving her point. she kept her paws stuck on the ground instead of flinching though, ready this time. however she doubted that any amount of preparation would have readied her for the unexpected and unnerving words of a threat to fill her head with feathers. the corner of mouth twitched, as her yellow eyes narrowed. “by then i doubt that it would matter whether my brain was in one piece or not” she replied, voice flat. though she wondered if her expression betrayed how offput she really was by these words. “no need to go and find out” fern replied curtly. rosepaw’s words carried a dark sort of humor, though it was still a threat nonetheless. tansy’s show of claws hadn’t gone unnoticed, either. of course, the elder intentionally unsheathed them with a promise that if things were to get rough, she could hold her on. and as much as fern would like to call herself capable in combat, she knew nothing of it. her claws were still trimmed to dull stumps, and it was pitifully obvious that she had no muscle under her short fur. she was surrounded by others that were no doubt, much more experienced, and it was pushing her further on edge.

fern quickly stored away the name rosepaw anyway, trying to push away the feeling of offput unease at her words. she instead focused on the trend she was beginning to see in these names. they all ended in paw, except for tansyface. though tansyface was the eldest here. maybe it was something of a name with age system? fern briefly wondered how complex this clan system and code tansy spoke of could be, before brushing the thought away. one thing at a time.

of course, because the universe was against fern (at least, she was convinced it was), yet another had arrived. a larger tom with brilliant blue eyes. fern grimaced, expecting some sort of threat or warning, though was surprised to hear his next words. though being referred to as a ‘poor thing’ made fern wish that he had said something all creepy like rosepaw instead.

her shoulders tensed, as she parted her jaws to argue. no, she was not a ‘poor little thing’ for others to ‘scare’. though this guy was the first to say something somewhat in her defense. fern thought better of it and clamped her jaws shut, flattening her ears. she said nothing in to him, shifting her gaze downwards, in wait of the replies of the others around her.

fern lowered her amber gaze, considering these words. what would she do otherwise? walk away? and then what? her future now held no promise or meaning. she could spend the rest of it in solitude and do alright. if things got tough, even if it was humiliating, she could probably find herself in a two-leg home.

though she knew she couldn’t actually do that. the rest of her life would be spent with meaning that meant nothing to her. she would look back and wonder. perhaps even regret the chances she had turned away from. and as risky as this whole situation was, fern was certain that she would be making the right choice in following.

“alright” the answer slipped off of her tongue, when she finally looked up to meet tansy’s single eye. “i’ve decided that i’ll come with you all.” she said, more surely this time. fern swiftly smoothed any part of her expression that might have been read as indecisive away, quick to reestablish an image of cool and steady sureness. “is some kind of initiation required or do I need to just..tack ‘paw’ onto the end of my name?” she questioned, tone wry.

fern had almost missed the flicker of change in tansyface’s expression, unsure if it was her own hopefulness somewhere deep down or something real. either way, it helped her to roll some tension from her shoulders, the smallest reaction that revealed that some of her worries were beginning to fade.

so.... a ceremony? that seemed like it’d be kind of awkward, in a group of strangers she didn’t know the slightest bit about. but everyone started somewhere, she guessed. fern was grateful that it seemed like this wasn’t some abnormal circumstance. others before her had joined. others before her had adjusted. and if they could, perhaps she could to.

and oh, she hadn’t realized that this ‘paw’ thing was associated with some rank. did the clan function based on a ladder you had to climb? were apprentices at the bottom? a million questions bubbled up, one after the other, almost spilling over in a glass full of em. though she kept the words tight behind her teeth, choosing to ask one question at a time.

“so I take it you’re not an apprentice?” fern questioned, before glancing from tansyface to lynxslumber. he seemed older too, but she couldn’t quite tell. if they weren’t apprentices, they must have graduated from the rank somehow. she filed the information away, focusing back on tansyface before she got sidetracked with her own internal monologue of questions unanswered.

ah. right. her name.

fern realized that pretty much everyone here had introduced themselves without a second thought. she’d always thought the less information she gave out to others, the better. though if she was going with them, there was no point in keeping that some big secret.

“fern” she answered after a moments hesitation. she’d realized that it had been months since she had last heard the name spoken, by herself or others. and she hadn’t thought much of it. what use was a name when no one else was there to call her by it?

she guessed she was going to have to adjust to a lot of changes now. her name included.