this is mainly a long rant and i'm hoping i can at least have someone to talk about it. thank you.
ever since i graduated highschool last year, i feel like my life has just gone spiraling out of control. i've had social and separation anxiety since i was young and i feel like i've had depression episodes(or maybe even chronic? i don't have insurance or money to see a psychiatrist to get professionally diagnosed so); having no motivation to do anything(literally for hours at a time i'd just sit in bed all day), letting my hygiene slip out of my hand, just overall having a negative outlook on everything.
over the summer i lost my only friends because i started dating my current boyfriend which for some reason bothered the main one from our "group" immensely for what i suspect there was an underlying reason i could never figure out considering they're cousins. not to mention my "friends" follow her every whim like a pack of wolves so when she decided to stop talking to me so did the rest. i suppose it was for the best since they stopped talking to me over something dumb.
my "bestfriend" doesn't feel like my bestfriend anymore. we don't talk or connect like we use to and it's been years since we did. she's also joining the marines so most likely we will lose all communication and the sad part is i don't even know if i care anymore. basically i don't have anyone to talk to.
my car was totaled by a drunk driver so i have no way to get much of anything done. i got arrested and now my record is f*cked over something that is legal in other states and helps my anxiety along with the rift in between my parents and i because of it. i can't get a job(well more like i've lost all motivation to even try anymore). i can't get my driver's license. i lost my social security and can't get a replacement because i have no way to get there which is needed to do both of the above. i'm terrified to get another job that requires a lot of interaction or anything with money because i get so panicked since i'm probably the worst person in the world at it.
because of my depression i didn't enroll into college as soon as i got out of highschool and now i just feel like i've already failed at life. my sister's were straight a students and were able to go through college because of scholarships and aid from my parents and never ever caused my parents any trouble. and then there's me. my parents have told me they're not going to help pay for my studies either since i'm not the golden child like my sister's were.
i really want to do right by me and my family, but i don't even know where to start. i've gone through a little over a year without a job and doing absolutely nothing and then i see some people i use to talk to in highschool doing exactly what i saw myself doing. i just feel so dumb, lost and misguided.