Silence is your loudest scream [Eagle, Flint]

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    You will bite your tongue until it bleeds
    Hanging by the skin of your own teeth

    Flint had been struggling here for the past couple of weeks.


    One might think that it was because Wolfsbane was being his usual difficult self, or perhaps the disappearance of his niece - or maybe the collapse of the warriors den and the shortening food were huge drains on his mind and his emotions. And yeah, all of those definitely added into the equation, but.. They weren't the main issue, and whenever Flint took a private moment, he almost wished that they were, because he didn't know the first steps to even solving the real root of the issue. Especially because he didn't know exactly what it was.


    Eagle probably would though.


    The once adoring thoughts had taken on a poisonous tinge in Flint's head, and it made his chest hurt each time his thoughts slipped in that direction, because he didn't want that. His idol was quickly becoming someone he hated, someone to compare himself to and someone to discredit his every thought and opinion and piece of advice because they were "reckless" and "not thought out the best" because they were from Flint. He'd bitten his tongue more times than he could count to keep from yelling at Eagle, who was now leader and now no longer would appreciate Flint's blunt words and harsh language. He needed dependable warriors, Flint.


    It made Flint's eyes water a little when he bit the skin on the inside of his cheek again, chewing away layers of scar-tissue that had started building along the soft tissue of his cheeks. But it was either that or break down swearing and getting a hot head over everything again - especially because he was trying to find the cat in question. He had duties to report to after all, even when he wasn't an actual warrior. Though he'd had plenty of cats ask him why he wasn't one yet, and then look at him vague pity when he explained the reason. Eagle didn't think he was dependable or loyal enough.


    He'd neglected telling anyone who would go tell Eagle though, just shrugging when he was certain the other cat would, in fact, talk to the leader. If he knew what Flint was thinking, then he'd probably get upset, and interrogate Flint until he broke and it was all harsh words and arguments from there. It was a twisted game, but Flint was at the very least, socially skilled enough to know that would be the case. Eagle wanted to fix everything - wanted to be a good leader, and Flint couldn't stop him from that. He could only help him achieve that goal, because despite everything, Flint still thought Eagle would be a great leader.


    He was tempered enough from his father's tyranny and Jasperstar's rule, he was well-liked by their clan-mates and they generally deferred to him for their orders. He had a strong sense of justice and rarely budged on what he felt was good for his clan and his family - though the only major issue is that it felt like to Flint that he was starting to pull away to be more of a leader and less of a friend. He had to stop and sit in the shade of a den at the thought, the tight feeling in his chest traveling up into his throat and making it hard for him to not squeeze out a couple tears - the most he'd shown in a while. Flint had just gotten him back, it felt like, and suddenly it felt like there was a growing distance between them once again. It was something he tried to ignore most days - like most things now.


    He hadn't spent moons starving and traveling towards the Clans to find Eaglestar, he wanted Eagle, damn it. Not the cold exterior he'd put on. He wanted the kit from his childhood who he could sleep half - or fully - on top of and not get anything other fond annoyance and a deep sigh. He wanted the kit who stood up to his father even though he knew he would be punished for it just to protect Mouse, or any of the other kits. He wanted his friend, not a leader.


    But he wasn't sure that was possible anymore, and he made a choking noise in the back of his throat.


    -----


    His small break-down had taken longer than it should have, and by the time he showed up to the leader's den, he was severely late. Late enough that pushing his way into the den revealed that Eagle wasn't even in there. Flint didn't bother restraining a sigh and a series of curses underneath his breath as he sat off to the side, grooming his fur to lie flat and trying to hide how much his thoughts were spiraling. It seemed like he couldn't focus on anything in camp anymore, let alone conversations at hand, so he wasn't surprised when he jumped in surprise to Eagle's voice. "In here," he called, re-situating his paws and relaxing his shoulders.


    Clearing his throat, because he assumed Eagle had called him in to talk about duties, Flint waited until he was situated to break into his report.

    // -Eaglespirit-  

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    Eaglestar's relation with Flint was a strange one, that was for sure. He knew the kid when he was younger, back when there was little but each other. Sure the smaller tom had been hotheaded, but it mattered less when everyone was either at the wire's end or given up on fighting altogether. Then, the first thing he had seen of him from years was him as a rogue, someone dangerous -- someone like their abusers all those moons ago. He knew how hard it was to escape your history and the environment you grew up in. Even he himself did not feel as if he had indeed become anything more than a product of his past.


    Flint was not Chip: they were merely two separate being with a shared history and shared face. Chip was the one that always shadowed him and Sparrow, the kid that he wiped away tears from and took the fall for many times. He knew Chip, he cared about Chip. Just like how he wasn't Eagle, he was Eaglespirit -- Eaglestar now. He was no longer the heir of Creed. And he wasn't quite sure about Flint.


    Flint was hotheaded just like Chip, that was for sure. Lashing out at anything and everything to get a grip and some control, while he knew where it was coming from better than most, it was not something that was necessarily good to overlook. He was not Jasperstar -- he couldn't ignore dangers like that. Still to this day, while he was thankful for it, he felt like he shouldn't've ever been let it. Too much of a danger and liability, and to what? The first couple moons he almost created a war between Windclan and Bloodclan. He had an affair with a Darkclanner and stirred up tensions with the northern neighbor as well. He might've been tempered by life in a clan, but that did not mean he ever should've been allowed in. Life in Windclan was a privilege, something that should only be given to those that will see it as such.


    Flint, in all his time being here, never once put aside his ego to ask to join.


    And that was Eaglestar's problem with him. Because no matter how much he plays a warrior, he still has been putting his own self and pride over joining, over the good of the clan. He doesn't want to join, doesn't want to take on everything of what being a warrior implies. He's an outsider by his own volition, and Eaglestar has no sympathy for him because of that. Even Wolfsbane, for all his faults, works his hardest to be here and fit in, for a reason Eaglestar still doesn't understand. Wolfsbane was a warrior, despite how Eaglestar felt about him, because he shared the passion for the place -- or at least was trying his hardest to. Same as Snake -- as much as he didn't want to see his well, adopted brother, he had to admit he respected the clan as well.


    "Flint. You have been in this clan for a long time now, and you have long healed. While I have no objections to you joining, I do have to wonder why you have not once, in the whole time here, ever asked to join." He questioned, face impassive yet eyes sharp and taking in every subtle movement of the other tom.



    ˜”*°•EAGLESTAR•°*”˜

    LEADER

    21 MOONS

    WINDCLAN

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    Flint had been getting ready to give his report - until the moment Eagle opened his mouth. Flint really wished he had interrupted him and given his report instead, because Eagle's question made him shut his mouth with a twisted, strangled noise as the words died in his throat. Why hadn't he asked to join? Did Eagle really just have the gall to ask him that? Flint was not one that someone could call patient or kind - definitely not calm or slow to anger.


    So he did what was definitely expected of him. He got angry, and like a dam bursting, everything he'd been struggling with since meeting Eagle again rose up to the surface of his mind like pus from an infected injury, soaking along his mental pathways and destroying any semblance of rational thought. The blood rushed and rose in his chest, beating heart slamming against his ribs as he gathered up vitriol in his mouth, the feelings that had been dwelling underneath the surface rising up in him and leaving him breathing heavily, his teeth bared in a mockery of a snarl, when actually he was trying hard to fight back tears. He could feel the itch in his paws to lash out, to scream and shout beyond what was expected. Eagle hadn't trusted him - didn't even see the things Flint had been doing - he was still the same as Creed or any cat like him in Eagle's eyes.


    Flint wasn't Chip - he wasn't a cry-baby anymore who wailed the moment he stumbled against something, but Eagle's question fucking hurt. He could hear the words underneath it - the accusation of Flint's blood-thirsty nature, the urge to fight at any given challenge presented, whether they be from friend or foe had hurt him in the past, and had hurt those around him. He thought he'd put it aside to help the clan, even when he thought he could feel the glares from the other warriors on his back. Maybe it was because he was better at their tasks than they were, maybe it's because he was getting more done than they were, but he felt like they were just waiting for him to make a horrible mistake so they could get rid of him. And now Eagle was telling him that he never had a chance in the first place?


    It made something in his chest ache, and the way he looked at Eagle was of someone utterly betrayed, like he was seething at a new stranger. It was becoming abruptly clear to him now that Eagle would always choose Windclan over his family from his kithood, and while a small part of him still harbored a small flame of respect for the tom for that, it was buried under the roaring blaze of resentment for it. Maybe they weren't blood family, but he wanted Eagle to at least consider him for being part of the clan instead of writing him off like a lost cause like any other battle-lusting beast. He could feel the ire rise up an extra notch inside of him, turning a raging flame into simmering, molten lava. If anyone should be writing anyone else off as a lost cause, it should be Flint writing Eagle off!


    Eagle had never been there for him after Creed's murder. He hadn't been there for the deaths of the cult dropping like flies after sickness hit the cult – which then moved to that damned warehouse. That warehouse, where groups upon groups of cats had died. Where Metal had drawn his last breath trying to convince Flint to leave that beam on his back and leave him to the acrid fires before Flint was lost too. He wasn't there for Flint's struggle to survive the burn injury to his shoulder that consumed most of his flesh, and he certainly wasn't there for Flint's struggle to find others again.


    In that moment, Flint could feel nothing but a surge of hate for Eaglestar, the cat in front of him, who certainly wasn't the tom from his childhood. Because everything that was Eaglestar was not Eagle. They might as well have been as different as night as day, and Flint tore at the ground in front of him to keep from floating away into the depths of his wrath. A small part of him, nearly smothered by the poison seeping through the gray-matter of his brain, piped up about none of those previous thoughts making sense, that there was something wrong with the thought process that Eaglestar was an enemy to defeat, but Flint was too far into it to figure just where the faults laid in his reasoning.


    "Why haven't I asked to join? Because you don't want me here! Because despite what I've been trying to do - to show you that aside from my anger management issues, I'm--” Flint was.. What was Flint? Was he trust-worthy?


    No. No, according to Eaglestar, Flint was a danger to Windclan because he refused to act like the docile, cud chewing creatures that inhabited the clan. But Flint, he was smarter – He knew what Eaglestar was looking for - complete obedience. Just like Creed had. That thought abruptly seemed so wrong to him that he choked on the rest of his sentences, teeth clamping down on his tongue and drawing blood that left his teeth outlined by red and his gums darker than the shadows surrounding his eyes.


    It made no sense. Eagle wasn't Creed, right? He staggered abruptly, swinging his head to the side as his mind tried to make sense of the new paranoid thought. Ah, but this was Eaglestar, right? He was different from Eagle.


    He wasn't the kind tom in Flint's kithood, he was the new, emotionless cat who wanted nothing to do with Flint or any ties to his past – because he thought himself better than them. Just like Creed had been better than everyone around him, Eaglestar was better than Flint was. Better than Mouse, better than Snake, better than Flint; Above the rules and morals. But wait, Eaglestar hadn't tried to force control over anyone yet, right? Had Flint missed something?


    He didn't think so.


    Or maybe, maybe he was losing his mind, like he'd thought at the beginning of all this. Maybe he was losing his grasp on reality. No, that was impossible too-- Flint yelled at nothing, trying to gather thoughts like loose sand through claws. It must have looked like he was actually going crazy, trying to answer Eagle's question. Or maybe Eaglestar wanted him to think that.


    Maybe this was just a ploy to undermine Flint's mental state. He wasn't sure, but he thought it was working, so he sent Eaglestar a suspicious glare. He wouldn't win – Flint would. He just had to figure out how to beat him at his own game.


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