what's important is that we still breathe and live in the same place // return

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    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Returning was nothing new, because it had happened three times - this moment of crossing the border and finding herself standing among half familiar trees and surrounded by a half familiar scent. It was almost home, it was almost where she wanted to be. Right now, it was all she had, the only place she could be and still be familiar. Leaving had been a choice, had been a hard choice, but had been necessary. She was falling into a stagnant role, one where it was expected that she would never be more than a den mother - forever given ever lost kit that crossed the border - and expected to be gentle and understanding at all times.


    But it was tearing her apart, constantly ripping pieces of herself off and handing them out to everyone she cared about. But it was rare that she got anything in return besides another kit to look after. She needed to be more, she needed to not just be needed or wanted when it was convenient for others. So she had left. Not to test them or to force them to notice her, but to find a way to make herself worth something more than just a belly to curl into or a shoulder to take comfort on.


    Half limping through the territory, taking her time to wander and not meet any patrols, the white tabby finally found herself standing at the entrance to ThunderClan's camp at sunhigh, stomach rumbling softly for something to eat and paws sore from walking so far over the past couple days. Her shoulder ached from the old wound that was still healing, but she walked as steadily as possible into the camp, glancing around once before heading towards the nursery. She didn't really feel like seeking anyone out to make a big deal out of her return. She just wanted to see her daughter. She had promised Laurelkit that she would return, and she wanted to prove to her daughter that she would always keep her word.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS


    MoonWatcher


    8896035.jpg?383

    12 moons ~ Thunderclan ~ Female ~Warrior


    Rage.


    That was the first thing to slam into the silver tabby when she stepped out of camp to hunt, only to end up face to face with her.


    Moonwatcher didn't know whether she wanted to cry, purr, or rake her claws across the she-cats muzzle. So instead, the warrior settled in a cold, angry glare, something so different from the last time they had interacted, but Snow had done the worst thing in Moonwatchers mind, and that was abandon her kits.


    "Snow. What are you doing here." Her meow was low and almost a warning. She fought the urge to let her claws slip out but it was clear that the warrior was furious with the cat who she had always loved as a mother.


    © decayingdelusion

    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Snow's paw steps towards the nursery halted at Moonwatcher's cold tone, pivoting slowly to look at her daughter. Her pale eyes were empty, devoid of emotion as she gazed silently back at the silver she-cat before her. Her voice was hardly more than a mumble when she replied. "I came back...should I not have? I can leave if I'm not wanted." There was nothing to the drone of her voice, no inflection, cadence, or life at all. It was simply a statement, hardly a question. There seemed to be nothing left of the Snow that had disappeared from ThunderClan nearly a moon ago.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS


    MoonWatcher


    8896035.jpg?383

    12 moons ~ Thunderclan ~ Female ~Warrior


    With their gazes meeting, Moonwatcher only grew more furious. She bit back the urge to growl, but the fur along her shoulders bristled. She moved to place herself between Snow and the nursery and her pale yellow eyes glowered, "Perhaps you should. Laurelkit deserves better then a shell of a mother, devoid of emotion." The silver tabby stood there, unflinching as she looked ready to chase a cat she now considered a traitor out of camp. She hated Snow, now more then ever. Perhaps it was selfish of her, but Moonwatcher couldn't stand cats like this. Snow was no better then Dolorem in her eyes now and she would be damnit if she let the pure white she cat to hurt Laurelkit the way her father had hurt her.


    © decayingdelusion

    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Snow's fur bristled along her shoulders slightly at Moonwatcher's move to place herself between the queen and the nursery - barring her from her own child. When she spoke, her voice was low, quiet, and full of an emotion that she had never before displayed; she sounded dangerous. "You don't know what you're doing, Moonwatcher. You're reacting to a situation you don't even understand. Please move out of the way before things get messy." The words had bite, but underlying it all was desperation. Snow just wanted to see her kit, the one she had carried willingly and birthed with pain and loss mingling in the stench of exertion. And she wouldn't let any cat - not even her beloved daughter Moonwatcher - stand in her way. She had been through too much in the past moon to allow this to happen. "Moonwatcher...please," Snow's voice was now thick with desperation, with a plea that spoke of so much more pain than she knew how to properly convey.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS



    “As your deputy, Moonwatcher. Stand down. As your father-figure, please don’t make this any harder than it already if for all of us. The kit still need her mother. Even if she doesn’t seem like the molly we all remember. Not that I have a right to speak of such things.” He spoke, his tone unwavering, but it was full of pain. He had finally come to terms with the disappearance that was partly due to the situation that had affected so many, but at the same time he was conflicted with his sense of justice. He loves her and realized it to late. That was his sin to bear for the rest of his life. As of now, he wanted to find out her purpose. Not with bloodshed. Looking to his niece, he brushed against her gently, stepping forward to the alabaster femme. “Snow... why have you returned. After disappearing without a trace? Don’t tell me you’re here to take our daughter away...”


    "i wait for the morning."


    ♚ ･ﾟ: when you feel alone it can change your mind — TAGS


    MoonWatcher


    8896035.jpg?383

    12 moons ~ Thunderclan ~ Female ~Warrior


    "You should have thought about that before abandoning her." Moonwatcher spat in fury. "What makes you think you have the right to just walk in and out of her life like that?!" The more Moonwatcher talked, the more worked up she became. "I can understand leaving to clear your head and give yourself space but why couldn't you have least respected the rest of us enough to just tell us that you needed space? We were suppose to be family!!" Moonwatcher was trembling at this point but she honestly had had enough. At the voice of her uncle, the warrior only grew angrier. How could he defend her?! She had hurt him just as badly. "Laurelkit need a GOOD mother." She would grumble and then only shake Blackstorm off. At the pain in his voice, her disgust for Snow only grew and at the question of taking Laurelkit away, Moonwatcher tensed and her claws slid out of her paws on instinct, but she remained quiet, for Blackstorms' sake, and waited for a response.


    © decayingdelusion

    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Snow winced visibly at Moonwatcher's raised tone, her claws sliding out to dig into the dirt beneath her. The white tabby's breathing picked up, the sound short and shallow as she shrank back a little from the silver she-cat. Her instinct to survive begged her - urged her - to lash out at them. But this was where she was supposed to be safe from all of that, from everything that had happened. But now she was being yelled at, Moonwatcher hated her, Blackstorm seemed indifferent, and she couldn't even see Laurelkit. She didn't know where the rest of her family was. Did she want them to see her like this?


    Trembling, Snow shook where she stood and shook her head violently at Blackstorm's question, eyes flashing with something like fear and desperation before her expression was schooled into blank emptiness. "No...no I'm not here to take Laurelkit away. I just...I just wanted to come home, that's all."


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS



    The hard look he initially had was replaced with visible relief. Snow wasn’t there to take away their child. At this point he didn’t know how to move on, whatever they had was in tatters with her disappearance and even before that, his hesitance and memory loss. “Aside from what we needed to talk about. Go inside and see Laurelkit. But only for a moment. Speaking now as a deputy, you did, desert the clan. By leaving without a word, you’ve placed yourself with a title that won’t easily be removed.” He spoke, his tone becoming more diplomatic rather than welcoming. Even if he loves her, Neither seemed to be in the right mindset about love, nor did this situation.


    “You’re names as a traitor Snow. Especially with the borders the way it is.”


    "i wait for the morning."


    ♚ ･ﾟ: when you feel alone it can change your mind — TAGS


    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Her heart clenched painfully, and she all but collapsed to the ground, already shrinking into herself. Snow wanted to shout at him - at them - to tell them that she didn't leave willingly. She wanted to throw it back in their faces that they knew nothing about what had happened to her, but she didn't. Because if they knew what had really happened, if they really knew how broken she was, they would surely cast her out. Being labeled a traitor was far less painful to Snow than them knowing the truth. She would accept the brand like a criminal - even if it was for a crime she didn't commit.


    "You don't want me to see her, so just...just get this over with. Please." Snow's voice was weak, a hollow echo of what she used to be. It was clear by Blackstorm and Moonwatcher's reaction to her return that they had been right. She hadn't been missed, hadn't been needed in the first place. They had likely been waiting for this moment so they would finally have a valid reason to get her out of the Clan for good. Snow would accept it. She deserved it after all.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS


    MoonWatcher


    8896035.jpg?383

    12 moons ~ Thunderclan ~ Female ~Warrior


    Moonwatcher had finally had enough. The warrior would suddenly lunge and aim to tackle Snow to the ground and thrust her muzzle into her adopted mothers face and she screeched, "NO, you are NOT going to act like the victim!" The silver tabby kept her claws sheathed but she wanted Snow to hear her and actually listen, "I get you had a fox-dung life. You're lost more then any cat in Thunderclan can dream of, I saw it in your eyes all the time when you were raising me! But you had US!! Me, Slatewing, Stonepaw, Rustpaw, and Laurelkit was born healthy and loved you since her first breath. Blackstorm did his best to love you again, but just because he doesn't love you exactly the same way he did before, that apparently wasn't good enough for. WHY WERE NONE OF US GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!?" Moonwatcher was shaking now, her legs trembling as furious tears began to pool in her pale yellow eyes, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH YOU SCARED US WHEN YOU JUST DISAPPEARED?! HOW LONG WE GRIEVED?!?! IS THE FACT WE AREN'T BLOOD THE REASON YOU ABANDONDED US?!"


    © decayingdelusion

    ———— RUSTPAW————

    i've got a pocketful of sunshine, got a love and it's all mine


    “NO! Never you filthy piece of foxdung! Get away from my mother!” Rustpaw snarled, squeezing in between the two, filling the space between her mother and the deputy. At one point in her life, through her eyes, she had been a fan of the black furred tom, but not after what happened over the last few moons. “Blackstorm! Can’t you see my mother is in so much pain! You said you’d be by her side! Protect her! But why are you putting the clan over what you said! You lied!” She snarled. The fiery femme nuzzled her mother, her green eyes filled with relief and love. “Mom, don’t! Never think that you aren’t wanted! I missed you so much!”


    Turning back to Blackstorm, she hated her teeth, ready to fight the obviously larger tom. Her tail lashed behind her as she stared up at the deputy, ready to strike.



    "Speech."





    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Moonwatcher lunged and Snow's instinct was to unsheathe her claws and tense up for an attack. But Moonwatcher halted in front of the white tabby and merely yelled at her. But the words hurt so much more than any physical blow the silver she-cat could have landed on her. Snow stayed silent, trying to contain her pain, her need to explode the way Moonwatcher was and shout the truth to them. She was doing a good job of it too, until that last comment.


    Something tore through Snow, making her entire form tremble with rage and shock and she hissed low and dangerous, pale eyes hardening as she glared at the younger she-cat. "You don't know anything, Moonwatcher. Just stop before things get messy. I can't talk about this right now."


    Rustpaw was suddenly between Snow and the other two, defending the white tabby like she had never done anything wrong. Snow felt guilt rip her insides to shreds, but she pressed her nose into Rustpaw's cheek, grateful that her daughter turned out to be such a kind feline, despite the messy upbringing Snow had given her.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS


    MoonWatcher


    8896035.jpg?383

    12 moons ~ Thunderclan ~ Female ~Warrior


    At the threat, Moonwatcher felt her feelings towards the white molly cement. As Rustpaw appeared, the warrior was almost envious of how quickly and easily she fought and forgave her mother. But Moonwatcher couldn't bring herself to that. Instead, Moonwatcher would only glare at Snow and growled, "I know enough. you're no mother to me." before shoving past both her and Rustpaw as she stalked outside, tail lashing in hot tempered fury.


    © decayingdelusion


    Blackstorm hissed at the sudden intrusion of space that he needed to step back. He hated it whenever anyone approached from his blind side now, so it wasn’t a surprise when he reacted in a way. “I have my duty as DEPUTY OF THE CLAN!” He snarled at Rustpaw, his teeth glinting in the light. The fur stood up on his neck and he desperately tried to keep his cool. But a part of him wanted to take her aside and find out everything from her alone. Not because they were demanding it, but because she wanted to share her real pain. He could see it in her eyes, but he knew it wasn’t the right time. At least in his mind.

    "i wait for the morning."


    ♚ ･ﾟ: when you feel alone it can change your mind — TAGS


    ———— RUSTPAW————

    i've got a pocketful of sunshine, got a love and it's all mine


    “MOON! Don’t just walk away! I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR MOUSEHEARTED FEELINGS! FAMILY IS FAMILY!” She shouted after her adoptive sister. Rustpaw wasn’t exactly happy about Snow leaving either, but there were things one had to do little by little. Not just brashly barrel through.


    “Mom... I can’t say I forgive you for leaving us like that... but it will take time for me to understand. Either way, you’re still my mother. No matter what!” She didn’t want to cry here, not when she wanted to diffuse whatever was boiling. “Can’t we all talk it out....”



    "Speech."






    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Shouting, shouting shouting, there was too much shouting. Snow crouched low, pressing herself desperately against the dry packed earth and shaking so hard she was surprised her teeth didn't start to chatter. Her pale eyes glazed over with terror and she could no longer keep up the facade of emptiness that she managed before. "He was right, I shouldn't have come back, I shouldn't have come back, I can't be here, I'm not needed, I shouldn't have come back," Snow trembled uncontrollably as she stared at nothing, muttering quietly under her breath a mantra of distress.


    Moonwatcher hated her, had practically just disowned her, Rustpaw was barely on her side, Blackstorm looked ready to strike her down and she couldn't blame him. in fact, she really just wished he would. Her blood would flow out on ThunderClan soil, probably discolored with her worthlessness and tragedy at this point. Her fur was a white as the pure driven snow she was named for, but she was anything but pure now. Not after...what happened over the last moon.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS


    //hooo.. lets make it angsty!


    Now he was angry. He felt it prickling beneath his pelt for so long. The anguish, the wrongs of injustice, against him and the world. Tail lashing behind him, he stepped forward. "Snow. Listen to me." She wouldn't listen right? No, it wasn't that simple. He had felt the same despair not too long ago. She didn't have anything tethering her down anymore, just like he had.

    I feel it. She's not feeling welcome in her own home, her own skin..

    "Shut up Snow. You're always welcome to come home. No matter whatever happened! I won't fore you to talk to us or say what had happened. But you have to know that... take your time... although, i'm sure Lambstar will want to talk to you. I on the otherpaw will wait till after."



    "i wait for the morning."


    ♚ ･ﾟ: when you feel alone it can change your mind — TAGS

    「 feeling estranged in reality — the doctor asks me if i've {censored} 」


    Snow shook her head, pressing her face into her paws and making a distressed, pitiful noise. She couldn't talk, she could tell anyone about what happened - not yet, maybe not ever - and she certainly didn't want to face Lambstar. She had disappointed everyone and the last person she wanted to see was the leader. Looking up from her paws, eyes swimming and clouded with distress, breaths coming far too quickly, the lithe white tabby looked up at Moonwatcher and gave a choked sob.


    "M-Moonwatcher...I-I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave, I n-never wanted to go. I wanted t-to stay and p-protect and c-care for all of you b-but I-I--" Snow was forced to stop, her body rebelling against her as she heaved and gagged. She was still breathing rapidly, her chest aching and her stomach trying to empty itself for some reason. She couldn't do this.


    "i answered without any hesitation that i have."

    speaking thoughts


    TAGS