i've completely relapsed into my eating disorder. it's taking over my life, and it doesn't help that it feels like everyone is purposefully triggering me also. even if i tell people i don't like something being mentioned as it triggers me, they continue mentioning it. it makes my heart throb and my mind race with all of the horrible thoughts i'm always desperately attempting to escape.
i literally push everything aside so that i can exercise, because if i don't, my thoughts absolutely consume my entire being and tear me to shreds until i obey them. if i eat and don't orally or exercise purge, i'll have a literal panic attack. every time i exercise, it has to be at least for 2 hours, or else my thoughts will ruthlessly bash me.
i wish i didn't become like this. i cry myself to sleep so often. i can't put on an outfit to go out without crying and breaking down and wanting to harm myself or actually doing so because i hate what i see. no matter how much weight i lose, it's never enough.
i have no one to talk to about this, so that's why my pitiful self is putting it here. on this role playing forum.
whenever i try to talk to someone, they say the classic "just eat" or "whose fault is that" and it makes me feel like i don't matter--my suffering doesn't matter--that i deserve to suffer.
my worst fear is people suddenly seeing why i hate myself so much and hating me just as much or even more for the same reasons. i'm afraid that suddenly everyone will hate me for what i've been trying to tell them i see, and then they'll see even more flaws in my body that i didn't notice.
it's so horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, yet i don't deserve help and i don't want to gain weight.
i honestly just wish someone in my life was willing to console me.
it's hard to keep living this way.