this thing upon me, howls like a beast. you flower. you feast. [p]

^{call me in the morning, tell me how last night went —}

By the time I had uttered those words that maybe mean more than any other in the English language I love you, I was essentially already asleep, maybe not physically but the moment I opened myself to rest my mind jumped at the opportunity of a few hours of not thinking, feeling or reminiscing, yet I know what I said and I know that I meant it. I just don't tune in close enough to hear him say it back because I don't have to. There's not one doubt my mind that he said it and meant it, and even if he didn't, it is still true on my end. Even if he was scared away, something in me feels so different towards everything, but mostly towards him, now that I shared that piece of me. The memories that weighed me down so heavily for years and years, it's a blissful, euphoric and nearly indescribable feeling to hand some of the weight of it to someone I trust will keep it safe, I do trust him. Trust him enough to take the next natural step in our relationship? Trust him enough to be able to put my fears aside and give him everything he deserves? I don't know the answers to that yet, but he's right and I should get some rest in the meantime.

He holds me the entire night and I keep myself tangled in his limbs as best I can too, even asleep understanding the power of touch and the strength of his arms. I sleep soundly and deeply, no nightmares to speak of like I was almost bracing myself for. I had a lot of nightmares in the early days after I escaped, sometimes so bad that I wouldn't sleep at all for as long as I could, or set an alarm to make sure I never entered REM sleep simply because being awake all night felt better than having even less control over my thoughts than usual. So it was certainly a thought in the back of my mind as I drifted off, but I mercifully found sleep that was quiet, dreamless and restful.

I feel him shifting slightly come morning, noting the light in the room but still taking a few more minutes of rest. I'm sure he's happy and full of energy, especially from hearing that I love him, and while I feel lighter than I have in months, I'm also still a little exhausted and wouldn't mind a few more minutes of sleep. But I hear him murmur a good morningto me and by then I'm more awake than not. I gently push away from him to stretch out my limbs ungracefully after being curled into his body all night but then immediately settle back into him. "Morning" I murmur, looking into his soft blue eyes for the first time in what feels like forever, since I spent most of last night with my head on his chest or crying or avoiding eye contact. I put my hands gently on his cheeks, inhaling the details of this morning where I feel like a storm cloud that followed me around for years finally dissipated. The sunlight in the room, the love and affection in his expression, the feeling of his stubble, rough against the palm of my hands. After taking it all in for a moment, I give him a short kiss, then another, and another a little longer than the last. It might seem like now's not the best time to get physical but it feels like as good a time as any to me, especially since I woke up in a good mood and I'm tired from the darkness we uncovered last night, I want to keep the light and happy feelings coming along as long as I can before I have to return to real life.

^{— i'm here. but don't count on me to stay}

^{call me in the morning, tell me how last night went —}

I've known Luke for a while and we've been.. romantically involved for several months at this point so when I say I was surprised when he pulled away from me, when I was the one initiating for a change, when I was the one who wanted to linger for as long as possible, I mean I was really surprised. But no matter, I can take a challenge and it's never been that hard for me to get him to give me what I want. And in this moment, there are plenty of things I want, but to be distracted from my pain, my anxiety and my memories is right at the top of that list. Plus it's been four weeks since we've been together in that way. I certainly can't speak for him, but I know I haven't been in the mood to find anyone else in that time, so it's certainly a record for me. I watch him stretch his arms above his head, enjoying the view and watching him as he comes around to my side like a lioness stalks her prey.

He says something about how hungry he is and how I deserve the biggest breakfast you can eat which is so incredibly kind of him but also makes me want to laugh because I certainly am not a hero by any means yet he's treating me like I solved world hunger for sobbing into his shirt and word-vomiting my trauma to him. If anything he should feel annoyed that I did that, since now he has the sole responsibility of being the only person who knows the story and that's a lot of weight to carry, especially considering how influential that story is to who I am and the obstacles I know we'll have to face if we decide to continue. But I don't say anything or laugh as he holds my hand even though I'm kind of starving too. I take his hand and tug it towards me, trying to pull him back into the bed with me. "I'm hungry too, but breakfast can wait" I say, giving him a suggestive look so he's clear on what I'm in the mood for. Of course if he's not in the mood for that for whatever reason, I'll respect that, and I wouldn't blame him. Maybe knowing about my miscarriage or my ex-boyfriend trying kill me is a mood-killer, but I have no reason to believe he'll say no since I can't recall a time he's ever denied me of what I want, except for maybe when I was too drunk to consent. It's a power I've known I hold for a long time and I like to think I'm above exploiting his willingness to do nearly anything for me, but I think we both know I have a tendency to be selfish at times. I'm not nearly as good as he is.

^{— i'm here. but don't count on me to stay}

^{call me in the morning, tell me how last night went —}

^{As soon as I make eye contact with him, I immediately know that he knows exactly what I'm getting at and I immediately know that he's hesitant for a reason I have yet to figure out. I'm not hurt, I heard him say I love you back to me last night, so I'm certainly not concerned that he's lacking feelings for me. I'm more surprised that he isn't jumping at the opportunity for sex, that we're not already halfway undressed at this point and all over each other like we usually are. I accept his kisses patiently as he explains his reservations, that he thinks we should try something different, that we should more or less start over. Develop a healthy relationship in the way that most healthy people do - gradually, starting with real dates and working up to physical intimacy once there's a strong foundation. Part of me wants to get frustrated with him, because my first instinct is he's making decisions for me but that's not the case, he's making decisions for himself and maybe for the sake of us. And I can't say I blame him, I've been standoffish and cold towards him, anyone might be doubtful of my intentions since my feelings towards him seemed to have changed so quickly.}

^{I let out a soft sigh, playing up my annoyance at not being given what I want. Because I love him and because I feel an inexplicable sense of safety whenever I'm with him, I'll try my hardest to not make this into something that it's not since what he's asking is reasonable. He's not making me do anything, and he certainly isn’t in the wrong to suggest we should slow down. But that doesn't mean I won't push the boundaries. Sure, a lot of things changed literally overnight last night, but not everything.}

^{"You're putting me on a sex ban??" I exclaim, rolling my eyes, acting fake offended, not unlike his reaction to when I had a normal reaction to the coffee he made me. Not that I have a reputation or anything but he of all people knows how much I crave the rush of physical touch. It really started as an easy way to stop thinking about my ex all the time but over time I got addicted to the adrenaline, the pleasure that didn't really cost me anything at all (at least when I was able to completely detach from my emotions) until I got too confident and hooked up with Luke. I get out of bed with an over-exaggerated huff, finding a change of clothes and putting them on without thinking twice about it. I come over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and looking up at him with the doe eyes he knows so well. "You can take me on a date but I don't know how long that is going to last" That, of course referring to the newly instantiated "rule" of our relationship. "I'm starving though, let's go get some cheap coffee and something to eat" I murmur, pulling away and grabbing my car keys, wanting to get out of my apartment for some fresh air.}

^{— i'm here. but don't count on me to stay}