self control

YEEZY · May 20th 2020

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MAIA BILLMAN

The cool night air feels amazing as Jack and I step out onto the porch and I take in a deep breath, enjoying the peaceful sounds of Chicago at night but I can only enjoy for a minute because Harry follows soon after, immediately greeting us with an overwhelming strong British accent that he plays up sometimes and I roll my eyes. "Jesus Harry." I say, trying to hold back my laughter but Jack lets out a full bellied laugh, taking his lighter out of his pocket. "That shit kills me every time bro." I watch as he lights the joint with ease, taking two swift hits of it before he hands it off towards me and I take my first breath of the smoke with ease, allowing it to settle in my body for a few moments before breathing out. Jack raises his eyebrows at me, making a comment that I must do this often before I take another large hit, focusing on the city lights before us as I hand the joint off to Harry.

We continue to pass off the joint and I somehow manage to keep up with the two boys, even though I am sure Jack smokes much more than me I want to be fully under the influence for the remainder of the night. Something about being around Harry in this context has made me much more nervous, the butterflies in my stomach have made myself much more apparent and after the conversation I had with Alexis I have been reflecting a lot more on my feelings for Harry. I suppose they've been there for a while but I have always pushed it off to the side, not wanting to deal with the repercussions that may or may not follow. However, especially in this moment as my high settles in nicely and causes everything around me to look much more beautiful. I can't help but to look at Harry and think about how he makes me feel. And the truth is that he makes me feel alive, around him I can feel normal and it's not something I can try to hide. At least not for tonight.

Time both slows down and speeds up and while I feel like we've been outside for forever, before I know it we're finished and Jack heads back inside. I turn to Harry, grabbing his hand in mine without much of a second thought and as soon as I touch him shivers run throughout my entire body. Partially because of my high, I assume, but mostly because it's him. "I want you to open your gift now." I tell him matter of factly, leading him back inside. I grab the present off the table before I lead him upstairs, no longer feeling guilty for taking him away from his party because I've done an extremely good job of not getting in anybody's way already. I feel uncomfortable having him opening the gift around anyone, not that it's necessarily supposed to be a secret, but it's fairly specific to him and what he wants and I would hate to raise any more suspicions about what our relationship is. But most importantly, I don't want to go back down and mingle for the small amount of time that people remain, I just want to be alone with him. And I can only hope that he feels the same way.

YOU MADE MY LOSE MY SELF CONTROL

princesse · May 20th 2020

Harry Styles

I know it's so hard to stay afloat

when you make monsters out of thoughts

To her credit, Maia keeps up with Jack and I much better than I thought she might, not only physically but conversationally, not missing a beat or showing any indication of tension when Jack and I start to go back and forth, or bring up any kind of inside joke. The three of us enjoy each other's company in the cool night air, progressively relaxing into the night, our voices slowing, muscles relaxing, everything feeling like the funniest thing you've ever heard, the whole nine yards. Although I had started the night slightly tense for a couple of different reasons, and Alexis questioning Maia certainly didn't help ease any of that tension, I'm thankful I decided to have this party. I enjoyed everyone's company but mostly I enjoyed having an excuse to let Maia in to yet another part of my life, letting her meet more and more of the important people. And watching her fit nearly seamlessly into a group of my friends makes me hopeful, confirms the idea that she truly is meant to be here, that whatever we have going is a good thing that we should continue to grow and explore. Not that it really mattered in the first place whether or not my friends liked her because I like her, but it's always nice to have reassurance nonetheless.

After a while Jack heads back inside and it's just the two of us under the stars for a moment and I think I could just exist here forever but Maia has other ideas. She abruptly grabs my hand which may startle or excite me at another time, but in my current state doesn't make me flinch at all. I want you to open your gift now she insists, pulling me to my feet and back inside before I really processed what had happened. Of course, I've been wondering what her gift was for most of the night, somewhat wishing she had let me open it the moment she walked in the door, but I got swept up in conversation and alcohol and managed to suppress my curiosity until this moment as she boldly takes me inside and right past the few remaining party guests to the upper level of my home, the messily wrapped present in hand. I can't help but laugh a little in the moment at how out of character this boldness and sense of urgency is, how it feels like it came out of nowhere.

"Yes ma'am" I tease, grabbing the present from her and starting to peel at the paper. I take my sweet time unwrapping it, pretending to want to preserve the paper, just to grind her gears in the slightest since it felt like she was just bursting at the seams wanting me to open this, unable to wait another second. When I can see I've annoyed her plenty tonight I cut the act and just rip the remaining paper off, staring down at the set of paints I've had my eye on for months but have always been sold out when I went searching for them. Between the alcohol and the joint and the pure excitement of receiving a gift that's so thoughtful and exciting, I feel indescribably giddy. My mouth hangs open slightly as I admire the gift, realizing she's either got much better luck than I do or she spent way too much time and effort trying to find paints that I don't even remember mentioning to her (it was not a scenario where she asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her this, I mentioned it in such casual conversation that I don't even remember mentioning it at all). "I know everyone says this when they receive a gift, but you shouldn't have. I don't even know what to say, this is amazing" I gush, holding the set at all angles and getting a better look "You are amazing"

YEEZY · May 21st 2020

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MAIA BILLMAN

I don't know whether to blame the joint or my pent up feelings about Harry that I've only just begun to address, but I feel confident and powerful as I lead him through the party, ignoring the few quizzical looks we might get along the way. I don't care how it looks in this moment, all I care about is being alone with him. We sit down on the floor upstairs, tired of walking any further and I watch as he begins to tear the wrapping paper open, slowly at first to tease me but he finally gives up and fully rips it open. I study his reaction carefully, my eyes completely focused on his face and I smile as his mouth hangs slightly agape. As he tells me that the gift is amazing, that I am amazing I can feel my cheeks turning red and I'm ashamed as how suddenly nervous and giddy I am to be around him, moreso than usual but the high has made my guard come down some so I don't bother hiding it.

"Oh shut up. You deserve it." I continue to look at him, taking him in, fully appreciating him because in this point in time, through my eyes he looks better than ever. I can almost feel the positive energy radiating off of him, being around him right now is giving me another high that even Jack's weed couldn't give me. My thoughts are racing, dissecting every moment we've spent together and I get lost in the moment, my eyes falling heavy but not out of sleepiness, my eyes just always get extremely puffy when I'm high. I take a deep breath before I move closer, almost too close and I wrap him up in a hug, resting my head on his shoulder for a few moments but even once I pull away I keep the distance between us short, resting my forehead against his for a moment. But I don't move any further than that, not yet, because time seems to stand still as I look up at him. I can feel my heart racing slightly and for the first time in 8 fucking months, when I look into Harry's eyes, I don't think about Gray. I only think about the boy sitting before me. And subconsciously, I can't decide whether to be excited or fucking terrified. "Happy birthday, Harry."

YOU MADE MY LOSE MY SELF CONTROL

princesse · May 21st 2020

Harry Styles

I know it's so hard to stay afloat

when you make monsters out of thoughts

I knew I would like Maia's gift whatever it was, since I like to think I know her and I know she's someone who would really put thought into a birthday gift, but to see the paint sets that even I didn't have the motivation or energy to find sitting on my lap, I swear I could kiss her in this moment. The energy between us has always been mesmerizing to me but the high we're both experiencing as well as the high I feel from one of the best gifts I ever received makes me want to live in this moment forever. She says that I deserve it, what I did to deserve it is beyond me since all I've done is exactly what I've wanted to do for her and exactly what I would've wanted if it were me in her position. "I'll owe you for this one for the rest of my life, Maia, seriously, it must've taken you forever to find this" I gush, even though our back-and-forth bickering about who owes the other is mostly a joke, I really do feel like I owe her everything she'll let me give her and more. Maybe it's the various substances in my bloodstream but it feels like she's given me much more than just the paint set in my lap, like over the past month she's given me something much more valuable than this, like she's given me a window into her heart and soul and I'll never stop being grateful for that.

She moves towards me and leans her head on my shoulder and I cannot describe the chills that run down my spine at her touch, but also the amount of relief I feel that she was the one who moved into me. Because as I was sitting here trying so hard not to think about how badly I just wanted to feel her in some way, I was silently hoping that she was feeling that tension as badly as I was because I realize now that I'm in trouble if she doesn't feel the same kind of pull to me as I feel to her. She lifts her head from my shoulder but doesn't move away, instead resting her forehead against my own and I will my heart to stop beating so loudly. Happy Birthday. I want to say thank you but that doesn't mean what I want it to mean. Those two words could never capture the enormity of what I feel in this moment, and my gratitude for her in my life. It doesn't indicate that she's the best thing to come into my life in a long, long time, those two words are shallow and don't even scratch the surface.

I'm at a loss of words I could say to her, so I opt to close the remaining distance between us, kissing her so gently I might not have even felt it if I weren't so hyper-aware of my mouth and how close it is to hers. Instead of saying thank you, I kiss her, leaving my forehead pressed to hers after the fact, searching her eyes for any kind of indication, just as I did that night she came to me four weeks ago, to see if I made some kind of big mistake, if I horribly misread the situation.

YEEZY · May 22nd 2020

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MAIA BILLMAN

Harry stares at me for a moment, his green eyes staring deep into me before he leans in, pressing his lips delicately to mine. I can feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest, his kiss awakening all of my senses and only exaggerating the high that I already feel. The kiss is too short; he soon pulls away and begins searching my face, likely for indication of how I felt about his actions. I can't blame him, normally I would've never let myself get this close to him and especially never would've allowed for his lips to touch mine, because after the first night where we shared a few minuscule kisses I knew if I were ever to kiss him again, that I would melt into his hands. And that's a dangerous thing. I'm still not sure how I feel about the fact that he's begun entering my heart, that every time I'm around him I can feel my heart yearning for him while also still yearning for my fiancé. My desire for Gray to be back has not gone away, instead it's been accompanied by wanting to be around Harry and I haven't been able to decide if it's a good idea or not.

But as he looks at me, giving me the most pure and gentle gaze I have ever seen, I realize that there's nothing I can do to keep from kissing him again. I shouldn't even bother trying to pull away. And so I don't. I lean into him again and I kiss him, kissing him with more fervour than we've ever kissed before. The few previous kisses we've shared were filled with uncertainty, they were results of our full towards each other but were fueled with confusion on what I want. I still don't know what I want overall, but right now, I know that I want to feel him again. And so I kiss him, allowing my tongue to explore his mouth as my hands grip onto his hair slightly. Kissing him feels like a fire has been ignited through my entire body, and it's not a feeling I want to let go of just yet. I absorb everything about him; the way his touch feels, the way his lips meld perfectly into mine, his somewhat sweet scent. Even though I know this is a dangerous play for the both of us, as I kiss him, I feel no regrets.

Eventually I pull away from his lips, resting our foreheads together again, not wanting to move away from him just yet. He must know me well enough to know that even though I kissed him again, harder than we've ever kissed before, that my mind is still racing. I'm calm enough from my high not to freak out, and I'm certainly not ashamed of my actions, but a million different thoughts begin to hit me at once. Finally, I speak up. "I...think I like you. And I really, really don't know what I'm going to do about it."

YOU MADE MY LOSE MY SELF CONTROL

princesse · May 24th 2020

Harry Styles

I know it's so hard to stay afloat

when you make monsters out of thoughts

The moment after I closed the remaining space between Maia and I seemed to stretch on for hours, the emotional intensity of the moment and state of my mind altering my perception of time. I wait and I wait for what feels like forever, entirely convinced that I either misread the situation or made a big mistake, or both. And then she kisses me back. She initiates it this time and my heart feels like it's soaring. Like it's too full for my chest to contain. She kisses me with such passion and meaning, my own feelings of affection towards her feel a thousand times amplified from what they normally are. I feel satisfied and yet starving at the same time, like she's the only thing I could need and yet it's physically impossible for me to be close enough to her, to get as much of her as I feel I need. I let my hands tangle gently in her hair, kissing her with such desire that I can barely tell where my body ends and hers begins, in that moment it hardly feels like we're even two different people. Rather we just are, a steady give and take of hunger and affection. Because everything that I feel in this moment, I can also feel radiating from her, a completely balanced give and take. No debts to speak of, not even playful ones.

I listen to her after she pulls away, not daring to disconnect any point of contact between us, leaving my forehead pressed to hers, my hands moved now to her shoulder blades, holding her close. I think I like you she says, immediately followed by and I really, really don't know what to do about it and my heart breaks for her. There are a lot of commonalities in grief, I understand most of what she's going through, but I know this is one thing I'll never be able to grasp, and that pains me. It hurts me that she was dealt a hand where she even has to feel that, and it hurts that I can't help her in that aspect. I lost my best friend, she lost her best friend and lover. I don't know what it's like. I haven't been in any serious relationships since Austin passed away, but that's mostly independent of losing him. It's hard to love again when you've lost someone so important, but I can imagine she has an added layer of guilt on top of all that fear, the guilt of moving on too fast, feeling like loving again would diminish the love she held for Gray. There's nothing I can do to help her work through those big feelings of love and loss, other than what I've already been doing for her, but I fear that's not enough.

"I know" I whisper again, just like the first night I met her, and helped her recover from a panic attack. "I mean, I don't know. Not fully. But I can imagine it's scary." I add, not entirely sure I'm making sense because there is so much going on in my mind in this moment. "I like you a lot, I meant it when I said I'll be whatever you need, whenever you need it" I tell her, entirely aware of how cheesy those words could sound but hoping they came off as genuine, maybe even as soothing.

YEEZY · May 30th 2020

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MAIA BILLMAN

At this point, Harry has put me in a complete trance. All I can do is stare up at him, dying to connect our lips again but hanging off of every word he says. He tells me that he understands and that he likes me too, and wants to be whatever I need him to be. And as much as that means to me, considering my viewpoint of what I want him to be changes each day, it brings me a sense of guilt. Because for all I know, I may never be able to give him what he deserves. Knowing that he really has feelings for me, even though I had already suspected he did, makes me feel bad because he deserves so much more than somebody who may never be ready to be with him. I wish I could drop everything, every bit of grief and pain, so that I could be with him, because he deserves it. I wish it was that simple.

But it's not. My love for Gray will never change, and that's not something I want him to have to carry. And in all honesty, I should probably pull away from him, to spare the both of us this time, not just me. Instead, I reply in nearly a whisper, contradicting my statement by continuing to be in his arms. "You shouldn't have to just be whatever I need you to be. Because honestly, I don't know what that is. And I don't know that I'll ever be sure." But, maybe in an effort to soften the slight blow of my words, I give him another soft kiss before I pull away, sitting back a little bit further and glancing up at the ceiling for a second, my eyes readjusting. Harry is a sweet man and I know he meant every word that he said. And that's the problem. I might have to start trying to protect us both now, because any accidental heartache I may cause him would wreck me in return.

YOU MADE MY LOSE MY SELF CONTROL