didn't know which board to put this in lol
ANYWAYS! if you rp with me long enough you'd probably tend to notice the annoying habit of mine to simply stop posting for around a month or so. i wave it off as i was simply busy with something or another important, rp and be on here continuously for a month to a couple months, and then disappear for a long time again. the truth is, it's 100% on me. i 100% have free time that i am using not on this site and i am actively not going on this site for like, a month.
but at the same time, it's not like it's because i don't want to be on this site. i have this disorder? genetic error? little quirk? whatever it is, it's genetic and i was born with it, and the main thing is that my dopamine is really funky acting and doesn't get broken down in a normal way.
to go back and understand this, you have to understand something else - dopamine is not the 'happy happy' chemical that most people think it is. it's more like satisfaction. it's your drive to complete something, the burst of good feeling when you finish something hard, the pleasure you get from a job well done. serotonin is all about mood, dopamine is all about accomplishment/drive. it's what addiction deals with, as it's your reward center. now imagine a room full of it just piling up more and more until the room is about to burst and the only way out is faulty hinge that barely any can get through. it's a weird thing that there's not even a name for the condition and much less real understanding on what it really causes in me, but it's kinda like having too little dopamine and too much at the same exact time all the time.
think of it like this as well - so i do a task. my dopamine issues tell me that it's The Most Important Thing In The World and that if i do it The Best then i get Everything I Ever Wanted Ever as well as generally save the world. i now obsessively do the task as my mind is subconsciously telling me that the world might explode if i don't finish it perfectly or something. for that time, not only is it the only thing that i care about, but it is also the only thing i want to do. and as long as im doing it, then my dopamine is just churning it out as much as it can. sure, i know that there are other things i need to do. things that consciously i know are very important, more so then to scrub every single food particle off a pan, or finish a school project like it's a job and super important, or yes, write the best post about a fictional cat. but, again, my brain is telling me that it's The Most Important Thing In The World, and so i do it and only it to the detriment of literally everything else.
im getting better at this, and taking meds and a fuck ton of supplements/vitamins to have more steady levels. and it works somewhat decently! but i still have this thing where if i'm getting into something i don't do what i was doing before, even if i really want to.
and this is where my absences come into play. basically, something happens to break my attention and drive for this website. a school paper, finals, a busy work week, vacation, whatever. i finish whatever it was, but then i get distracted by something else before i can get back to here. i get caught up in whatever else it was, and neglect the site until something happens to break myself out of whatever else i was doing and remind myself that hey, this site exists and it's important.
i mean, never worry i always come back. once something burrows into my heart it's in there to stay forever. like a bird - sure, i may be gone now, but just like migrating birds i always come back to where i was before.
anyways, if this happens again, i would really appreciate it if yall could message me or something to remind myself i need to come back. multiple times, as if i see it when i can't break away then i just ignore it forever and it matters literally 0 if you sent it or not. i do apologize for how this is and you really don't have to, it would just mean a lot to me
alright, i think? that's everything i have to say for this??