//oof this is long + tw for uhhhhh death & suicidal thoughts
Pierce had known this day was coming. According to Chess, it could be "any day now", and even though he had known of his pregnancy for almost a month now, he was only getting more and more nervous as the day he gave birth neared. How much would it hurt? He'd heard a ton of different reports from different mothers, but his pain tolerance... he'd survived a lot in his life, but it wasn't exactly high. Then again, maybe it was more of his fear leading up to the pain that made it so bad. Either way, he knew this wasn't going to go well. If Ev were only there with him, he knew everything would be okay. Ev had made everything okay. But he was gone now, and Pierce had to handle this on his own. He could handle himself, and he knew he could handle the kittens, that wasn't what he was afraid of. No, he had managed with kids before; he was fine with kids. It was more so himself that he was scared of, what having to raise Everett's kids would do to him.
It was a selfish thought, really, that he so dearly wished the babies had never been conceived, but his life would be so much simpler if that were the case. He had toyed with the idea of giving them away, at first, but he knew he didn't have the heart, for he knew the confusion and pain that came with being adopted, at least in his case - why had his parents given him away? Was he not good enough? Where were his parents? Were they even still alive? The questions had haunted him until his earlier adulthood, where he'd learned family wasn't all about blood, but the thought of doing that to a child - his child - filled him with far too much guilt, and the thought had quickly been dismissed.
But questions still plagued his mind, worries for what he might have to deal with in the future. What would he tell them once they got older? What if they asked about their other father, where he had gone? The dappled feline didn't even know the answer for himself, and he had no idea how one would explain that to a child. It was a rather complicated subject, and while he still wasn't sure where his lover had gone, what had happened to him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to lie to his own children. His anxiety about the birth, the quality of his babies' lives after they were born, had all been closing in on him in recent days. He was exhausted, but with his steadily climbing anxiety seemed to be barring off any chances he had at getting rest for the past couple days.
Though, it came to the point where he had gone so many nights without sleeping that he was finally crashing when he came home for the night, but it wasn't exactly a sound sleep. The little serval was constantly awoken by imaginary sounds, and pains, and horribly vivid nightmares. Nightmares about his current situation, about the past, about things unrelated to him entirely. Even resting didn't relieve his stress - if anything, waking up in the dark without having any idea what was going on made everything even worse.
The vice-leader had been going about his usual duties - checking the border, helping newcomers settle into their homes - when the constructions started. It was rather early in the morning, perhaps seven or eight, not long after the sun had risen, and at first, he had dismissed it as the same false labor pains he'd had before, a simple cramp of a muscle, or something. A foolish assumption, sure, but perhaps it was just him holding onto the hopes that none of this was real. It wasn't until, not too long later, another one hit. "Shit," the bitter curse had tumbled past lips that usually uttered such kindly words in the softest of tones, gentle voice twisting in pain and surprise. The sudden pain had made him suck in a sharp breath, joints locking for a moment as he paused at the edge of camp. Why now? Why couldn't this happen when he was, like, with Hana, or in his home, or even getting one of his checkups with Chesspieces?
Pierce had been motionless for a moment, closing his eyes and pressing his ears to his head, before he forced himself to walk forward. "Chess?" his voice was oddly calm as he called for the medic, all the while slowly making his way toward the healers' den. The den had once been inhabited by his sister, and he couldn't help but wonder what this might be like if she were here to help him rather than the kindly canine - would he be less afraid? Probably. She always helped with that. Even seeing her in his recent dream, which he wasn't sure was real or not, had helped him with this whole thing, at least a little.
Surprisingly, he had made it to the medic's den, and he wished he could say it was smooth sailing from there. It hadn't been long after he got settled into the den until one, then two, then three kittens were born, though the room hadn't been filled with the mewls and squirming forms of his kittens, his and his lost lover's flesh and blood. The room was silent, save for his labored breathing and the voices of the medics lost upon his ears as he turned his emerald gaze onto the babies.
Where had he gone wrong?
Before him lay three dead kittens, their little forms which had once held so much potential limp at his paws. Pierce's face was damp with tears, though as he looked down at the kittens, none were shed. Aside from his heaving breaths, he was silent, slowly blinking down at the little things, the things that could have been his, grown up into wonderful people. They were gone, dead, but why? What had he done to deserve this? Had he killed them himself?
It was this question that made him pause, considering this possibility. He had been careful. He'd stayed away from Jersey and his cigarettes, he hadn't drank any alcohol (though, he didn't drink the stuff anyway), or overworked himself, but- there had been that raid. And the days without food or sleep, all the stress that had piled up on his soldiers. Could this really be his doing? It was possible. Highly, actually. It all connected in a moment, and his brain shut down, and that was when the tears returned, slipping down freckled cheeks as he attempted to pull the kittens toward him, his paws shaking violently.
Dead. They were dead. All of them? Was that all he was going to have? He hadn't wanted kids, but he hadn't expected any of them to die. Even if they were without their other father, he had thought he'd be able to raise them, watch them grow, spend nights reading them his favorite stories and telling them all about their Aunt Lottie and Uncle Riddlersgame, their family that, although they never would have met them, they would grow to love and respect. People they might wish they had met, even. Pierce couldn't help but wonder They could have known Hana, come to know her as an aunt of sorts. They would have made friends, and enemies, and found love. Maybe they'd grow up to be healers, or strong warriors for their clan, but instead they were dead at his side, never having even gotten a chance to live up to their potential.
His thoughts were interrupted by another wave of pain. Another one? Surely, it would be dead too, and for a moment, Pierce considered just giving up on all of this. What was even left for him? What was there for him to hold onto? There was no one else relying on him anymore. Hana would be okay, he was sure. The thought of the former Paladin made him pause, however. She wasn't keeping her kittens- she would be alone. He wouldn't get to meet them before she sent them away, and there would be no one to keep her company after that. A soft cry escaped the boy's parted maw at a sudden stab of pain, and he closed his eyes, feeling fresh tears streak down his face. Though, just like the others, it wasn't long until the kitten was born.
Unlike the others, however, the kitten moved. Her movement was not as a newborn's should be, not as quick to find a place to latch onto their mother, but she was clearly alive, if only barely. It was this realization that made Pierce's already ragged breath hitch in his throat, his heart pounding as he felt the shaking in his paws grow worse, panic rising in his chest. Having to give birth to three dead kittens was bad enough, but he couldn't watch the last one die right in front of him. The serval blinked away the black spots that formed in his vision as he spoke up, his voice high and panicked though hoarse from crying, "S-s-she's alive. She's alive! You have- have to-" he broke off. What was wrong with her? Could they even help her? "Please, pl-please, she c-cant die! D-don't- don't let her, please." He was hysterical, clearly, but the thought of losing yet another one of his children - more importantly, Ev's children - was more terrifying than the prospect of this pregnancy had been as a whole.
CLEMENTINE P.G. Quill CHESSPIECES. Eno
tldr; pierce finally gave birth to his four kittens, three of which were dead and the final one hardly hanging on, pierce is freaking out & yellin at the medics