—— tags Hollypaw’s concussion was perhaps the worst thing she had ever faced. No, she took that back. Her mother and sisters disappearing or dying were the worst things she had faced. She blamed herself for her mother’s death, since Brindleflower had been trying to save her, Moonpaw, and Wasppaw in the fire. She could’ve saved herself and her sisters, but she’d inhaled too much smoke and had to be dragged out by her mother, who later succumbed to her wounds. Rosestar was gone, So was Callalilydreams. Tulipstar had abandoned Hollypaw and her other half-sisters because she’d fucked up and nearly the whole Clan hated her for her decisions as leader. Moonpaw was going deaf and Wasppaw was too lazy to wake up most days. So really, that left Hollypaw and her extended family, none of which she was close with, and all of which she was either annoyed by or who hated her. She didn’t care about the opinions of her Clanmates, or so she told herself, but really, Hollypaw just wanted a friend. She acted the way she did so that she might be noticed - even if the attention was negative - because otherwise, she would live in the shadows of her older half-sisters. Besides, why let anyone close to her if all they were going to do was leave - whether by choice or accident. Her older sisters were gone. Her mother had died because of her. If she allowed herself to get close to anyone else, they’d probably die or disappear too. It was better this way. Lonely, but better, to spend her life detached. She got the attention she sought after, but it made everyone hate her, and that kept her from forming any sort of bond with her Clanmates.
Hollypaw stared out at DarkClan’s cavernous camp, her leaf-green eyes seeming huge due to how dilated her pupils were. Dusksparks had prescribed lots of rest and herbs for pain to heal her. Hollypaw couldn’t do much else but sit and think and her thinking produced these thoughts that made her more bitter. And when Dusksparks put her in a poppy seed-induced sleep to keep her mind from thinking so hard, she dreamed of the family that had left her. Mostly, she saw the burned body of her mother, heaving her last breath, which was a sigh of relief that all six of her daughters were safe, before she went to hunt with StarClan.
Why did all of you leave me? the apprentice thought bitterly. Look what you’ve turned me into!
Hollypaw rolled over on her back and stared up at the ceiling of the medicine den. She had never been as bored as she was now. She wanted to be out with her Clanmates, patrolling and hunting, training with Panthercrawl. Yet Dusksparks had forbidden her. She felt like a five-moon-old kit again, too old to play with the younger kittens but too young for her apprentice ceremony.