I fell like I’m gonna break

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  • Warning: Foul language ahead


    Currentley trying to keep everyone levelheaded but it’s truly difficult.

    My mom and friend are fighting.

    I am trying to keepthings smooth.

    I wanna move out...

    I need to...

    I can’t keep a fake smile on for much longer.

    Why must my mom push my friend’s buttons? She knows he’s hot tempered...

    Plus, she keeps making him out to be the bad guy when he’s trying his hardest to keep calm.

    I should be asleep...but I can’t...I threw up earlier from the stress...

    Dammit...Why didn’t I go to college?! I should’ve just taken Cameron....

    I feel guilty for moving my friend in..,honestly...either household is hell for him though....

    I wish I could do more..

    I feel like a failure to him...my mom...my dad...everyone.

    I love my friend...fuck romantic and sexual relationships. He’s my best friend, my anchor. That’s all I see is a best friend, a brother.

    My mom wants me to be her puppet who can support her while she doesn’t work. My dad works his ass off to keep us fed and sheltered. My mom just blows all the money on her wants. Screw Pioneer Woman! We need money to get my dad’s truck repaired! Or get a better working van.

    I’m too afraid to learn how to drive cause my mom might just force me to take her everywhere.

    And if I got myself a vehicle, I bet ya she’d be using it and trashing it.

    I just...I don’t know anymore....

    I need to continue talking to my net friends...

    I can’t just drop off like that....

    I’m sorry.

    I wish I could be like Toriel and just shut myself away to be forgotten....

    But I do need to live.

    It’s just so hard when you feel like your whole world might just crumble any second....

    Hell...my friend is the ONLY friend I’ve ever made....irl...the only time I actually got enough courage and put in effort into doing something. I hardly put in effort....i prefer to be hidden and unnoticed...prefering to be alone...

    But after making friends with him...I don’t want to loose him. 12 years ago...just that one faithful day in art class and lunch....changed not only myself and him, but our lives as well.

    I don’t regret making friends with him and no other irl.

    He’s the only person to ever treat me as an equal instead of looking down at me as if I’m beneath them.

    Sure, I’ve had friends...but they were family friends...they never felt real...like they were being nice just cause and never took the chance to know me for real instead of my mask.

    Hell...most of those family friends were several years older than me or younger, never within my age range.

    And the one or 2 that were...never saw them again after elementary school....never tried to contact me either.

    Sorry for the rambles...

    I just needed this off my chest.

    Still crying but not as much. Honestly, if there was a thing like soul shattering like I’ve read in Undertale fics...I’m pretty sure I’m that close to shattering....I’ll reply to everyone later...just...not right now...



    Talk to you 2 later. I think I can fall asleep now. Will be getting maybe 3 hours of sleep...but I don’t care...as long as I can get some zzzs I think I’ll be fine. Went through a few times with little to no sleep.

    Valor Rabbit out!

  • Wh oa, n,elly... it's all right.. you know you can ramble to me.. I'm so sorry your Mom is so... abusive. Could you even afford college? You don't have to lose him, you're an adult, therefore you mainly have a say on who you associate with. She can't break you two, don't let her. Maybe she deliberately picks fights with him because she wants to steer him away from you, so that you're easier to control. she wants you weak like this. Idk, I don't know her so I can't make assumptions. Yeah, once you have all these responsibilities life is almost too much.. I wish your stress didn't push so far... :c to the point of disrupting your body. Does she even know or care that she's making you feel this way? I barely log in once a day anymore... I'm in a same abusive boat as well, it would be cool if your Dad sided with you and told her to lay off...you're doing the best you can with a bad situation,..



    The post was edited 1 time, last by Styxx ().

  • I can’t tell my mom anything. I hide everything just so she doesn’t get mad at me or my friend.

    I can’t afford college. I did have a scholarship that was good for any Oklahoma college....however that expired...never had a chance to use it. It expires 5 years after graduation...which was in 2011.

    I kept to passing grades with me completing the core classes.

    Anyways, got a co-worker who’s willing to have us move in with him once he’s able to rent a place.

    I know a part of my nighrmare willbe real...

    I just wanna learn how to be responsible so when my parents die, I can take care of myself.

    My dad chooses to stay out of the house or sleep. He refuses to sleep in their bedroom, prefering to stay in the living room on the couch. And he usually goes “Ask your mom.” Or “I don’t care.” When asking for his opinion.

    The only thing he inputs is wanting Churches Chicken or wanting to go to a local restaurant.

    Anyways, things are tense. I can see everyone putting on masks.

    Sad thing is, I never used to be able to pick it outso easily.

    No wonder my asperger’s gets in the way...It’s kind of my safe haven for me to just allow myself to not feel attached.

    Gonna finish doing laundry and get some rest, got an extra shift tomorrow.