EXCUSE ME FOR MY PLASTIC TASTE | private

A tug, a pull. She felt that searching pull, the familiar blue glow that used to comfort her so but now repelled her as if it were acid. Littlestar was swimming in the waters of Hawkclans lake. No reason as to why. She didn't particularly love water but she felt like swimming. So the long furred tabby dived under water, feeling semi comfortable amongst the darkness of the blue lake. Then it happened; she felt it. His soul. It was like a pulse that was searching.. for her. Then his voice. It sounded out in her mind. He was by Hawkclan. He wanted to talk to her. The dark grey tabby stopped treading the water and her heavy body began to sink. She made no move to act against it even when her lungs began to become desperate for oxygen. Not even when the lights from above grew dimmer and dimmer and- fuck. Littlestar pushed up from the bottom of the lake (and hell, it wasn't even the deepest the lake could be) and after ten grueling seconds of swimming upwards she came into contact with the surface. Taking deep gasps of air, the Monarch began to furiously swim back to the shore. She pulled herself out on the water and shook out her long fur though of course she remained soaked. A sleek and thin looking cat. Her golden eyes were burning brightly. The mental breakdown she'd endured only hours ago still held effects on her. But the sadness had finally given way to that anger.

He wants me. Littlestar unsheathed her claws and headed towards the pull of the blue glow. She could see flashes of white fur. Littlestar paused, suddenly scared, suddenly nervous. "I hate you." Would he be mad? No, that wasn't like Shine. But.. she... god, she hated feeling like this. So confused, so worried. She just wanted to show him how much he'd hurt her. Had she'd done that already? His face had fallen quite... badly when she'd said those three words. Maybe- no. Littlestar was going to remain taking precautions. So she turned towards a large redwood tree and grimaced, sticking her claws into it's wood. It would be impossible to scale with three legs had the redwood tree not held a lot of sticky-outy limbs. She used those to hoist herself up and sure enough she made it onto a safe branch somewhere slightly above the Riverclan Leader. She stared down at him. Her eyes were cold. She didn't speak for a while. She wondered if he knew she was above him. Or if he was worrying, feeling guilty. She wanted him to feel bad.

But eventually, the silence broke by one word. "What."

I genuinally can't believe how long I took to respond ;w; so sorry xyn <333

Littlestar felt herself grow unnaturally quiet, almost afraid to see how he would respond to her. Her heart race was beating fast but she kept herself grounded by remembering her anger, remembering those words she uttered to Shininglight. The anger practically radiated off from her and if he couldn't feel it from the bond then he'd most defenitely feel it in real life. But as always, he had nothing on his face. There was no indication to anything on him and it hurt her, thinking that maybe he didn't care. She gritted her teeth and was about to say somethign else to break the silence when suddenly he spoke. Questions. It made her snort. Of course she had. She knew he knew that. But it was a rhetorical question because he continued to ask questions and she found her eyes drifted to a close. Anger, blood, violence. All things she knew very well and it seemed he did too. The tabby slowly reopened her eyes and blinked, staring down at him. She wanted to scoff and snort. Him? Shininglight? Violent and angry? As if. Littlestar thought bitterly, but she continued to listen in silence.

She noticed the decreasing of hawk chatter, the coldness that pricked her skin. A frown appeared on her maw, staring at Shine. Was he the cause of that drop? No, it was probably just coincedental. Either way, she kept her eyes on him. "I didn't disappear to find another life elsewhere. I didn't leave because I hated you, or Hawkclan, or anyone in it. I left because, well... If I hadn't-" He cut himself off, seemingly looking around. Well? Her brow muscles rose in question. Was he delaying the inevitable? Because that wouldn't turn out well if so. She wanted the explanation now. His reason for leaving. And then he said it. Things would be different. Things would be fucking different. Her gaze dropped for a second, staring at her paws. The birds and temperature have resumed to normal but she doesn't notice. She just stares at her paws and her face grows darker by the second. Then finally her mind snaps and she stands up, shuffles back, wriggles down the tree and lands on the ground. Normally her landings were wobbly but she was so angry that her land was almost perfect. Sadly, she didn't notice it either. She just limped towards the striped tom until she was standing a whiskers length away from him and she stared into his perfect blue eyes. "Things would have been different... if you had stayed. I spent months looking for you. And your reason for being gone so long is that things would've been different? If.. if by chance you have some real reason under there, tell me." The tabby felt an odd rush of desperation- she wants her friend back. I want my fucking friend back. And in some uncalculated thinking, the feline attempts to lift up a paw and put it on the side of his face, staring into his eyes. The anger is gone for a second, replaced by some sort of need. A desperate need. "Tell me!"

It's a pictureesque moment, her standing a breath away from him, clutching his cheek. Her breathing is fast, needing an asnwer. Then, if he chooses to respond or not, she lowers her paw and her tormented gaze turns to the ground. "I just want my fucking friend back." Littlestar whispers, trying her damndest not to go back on the verge of tears.

Fires burn and burn but they die out eventually. Just like everything else. It might take time and for a moment there, the flames seem unstoppable and forever burning but it does die. It will die. Everything fire touches dies along with it. Nothing is protected from it's heat because it will burn, if slowly. She was just like fire. She was uncontrollable, wild and scalding to the touch. Water did not kill her even if it seemed as so. What you threw at her made her grow stronger, bigger. She hurt things and killed things because she was fire. She is fire.

Dazed, the tabby tries to break free of this narrator voice in her head. But it keeps at it. The fire in her body glows in such a way that makes her eyes dimly glow as well. It's only his voice that she reacts to. "I'm right here, Lit." Are you? Is that you there? For all I know.. you died the day you left. Whatever you are now.. it's not what I remember. You're not my friend. You're not my family. You're just... Shininglight. Leader of Riverclan. A stranger. Just a stranger that wants to hurt me. That's what they all want to do. Hurt me. I know why- I did bad things and I deserve it all. I tortured that kit, I stabbed that boy, I hurt that guy, I murdered those people, I burned that mother, I stabbed the Shadowclanner, I attacked that Colouredclanner until he cried, I beat up Exilers. I know that I'm a bad person, it's never been denied. So why do I always feel so guilty? I thought I was past that? I thought I was getting better, finally accepting myself. And I have, I've accepted the monster. But it's still there- guilt and doubt..

and now he's here to make the guilt and doubt multiply and manifest in my very soul. Listen to him. He's saying he's sorry. He's telling me he's never going to leave, ever again. But he's doing that to make me feel guilty. God, god, there are motherfucking tears in his motherfucking eyes. He's really playing it up now. No, he means it. He's really sad. This is really killing him. But he's telling me he's here and he's NOT. YOU'RE NOT SHINE! YOU'RE NOT SHINE! "YOU'RE NOT SHINE!"

Whisps of black smoke curled from her nose and mouth. How long had her eyes been closed? This entire time. She opened them and the lights were bright, peircing her. The once burning golden eyes were so bright and glowing that the pupils could not be seen- two spotlights directly on Shininglights face. "You're not here. Shine never would've gone in the first place. Shine would come to Hawkclan and Shine would never have abandoned Littlestar. LITTLESTAR WANTED YOU ALIVE AND NOW SHE WANTS YOU DEAD~! SO VERY DEAD!" But even as she voiced threats, ashy black tears fell from her wide circular eyes. "No, lies, lies, lies. She is confused."

Littlestar lifts her arm and digs her claws into the sides of her head, deeper and deeper until blood can be seen. "You're confusing me."

The bond was hurting her too, very much. She cried harder, the pain in her head confusing her and tormenting her. So much pain, why was this so much pain? Why couldn't she just escape him? The dark grey tabby wailed as she felt the bond tearing a little, and she lowered her body and smothered it to the ground. The grass blades underneath her burnt and sizzled as she was hot to the touch but she took no notice through her own pain. And to think she had high pain tolerance. You're right.

Her sobbing doesn't stop but it's growing quiet, her face and body still pressed into the ground, glowing eyes scorching the ground with their intense glow. "But that Shine died a long time ago, Littlestar. Long before you ever met him." Suddenly she feels grief so intense that even the fire in her heart flickers and halts for a heartbeat. The tabbys face scrunches up and she pushes her paw into her belly, slowly lifting heself from the ground. Her eyes are closed, the glow poking out behind her eyelids. "But I will always try my best." Littlestar finally opens her eyes a second time and the glow had decreased and her pupils were visible again. She had been close to exploding but his words were slowly bringing her down. "For you."

Her heart catches in her throat. And she looks at him, properly. She's still confused. Anger has left her feeling empty. "Why? Why for me?" Her head is pounding with both pain and emotion (same thing, really) and Littlestar is torn in her mind. She still felt angry but she was beggining to feel more empty with the realization that Shine had changed nearly as much as she had. He'd succesfully aquired a new life, without her. He'd done it almost behind her back and he was explaining this all to her. It all hurt so much. Littlestar sobbed a little.

It was hurting. So much. She felt the strings that connected the two minds snapping, one by one. She felt a little bit of desperation clawing up her throat. She hated him, hated him. But that bond was something she wasn't quite ready to abandon. Her golden eyes grew wide as the pain increased tenfold and she winced, lifting her paws to press against either side of her head.

All her life.. she'd been destined for the path of violence and war. Vengance and rage. It had started in the Exiles. She'd grown up watching people kill one another over the pettiest things. She'd grown up seeing her own father lead a rag tag group of murderers and.. and rapists. The worst of the worst. And she'd become one of them. The whole reason she'd escaped the Exiles, the whole reason she'd abandoned family and friends was to save herself from that path. She'd become self aware, even as a little kitten. But it left her. Even though she was no longer surrounded by violent people, she continued to witness acts of brutality until the realization set in; you just couldn't live in this world without getting blood on your paws. It didn't matter if you were a pacifist, a weakling, a runt or a prisoner. It didn't matter if you were a regal Queen or the son of someone important. Things happened. Life was full of bloody surprises and mines and you had to fight in order to survive. If she'd stopped fighting back when she first joined Hawkclan, she wouldn't be alive now to lead Hawkclan.

But then again.. she would still have a tail. She would still have a leg, still have something of a face. She knew some of the things that'd happened to her couldn't have been avoided. But some things? Yes, some things certainly could have. Fighting and not fighting. It was a choice you had to make from day one and it would determine the rest of your life. You could either live, constantly taking step forwards even if it meant going against your morals.. or you could live in hiding, watching other people do the violence for you, letting people die to protect you. She would never want to live that life.

"-I will always Love you, Littlestar."

The tabby blinked. It was something she would never have expected to leave his mouth. Him? Wise Shininglight? Shaman Shininglight? Protector Shininglight. Loving.... her? Disbelief washed over her scarred face. She shook her head but something in her mind cooled down, eased. The fire in her heart was literally simmering down to mere smoke. She felt it and was surprised by it, the warm and slightly embarassed feeling taking over her cheeks.

"LITTLESTAR WANTED YOU ALIVE AND NOW SHE WANTS YOU DEAD~! SO VERY DEAD!" She had voiced these threats mere moments ago. Been smoking mere minutes ago. And now she was reduced to stillness. But the strange feeling dissipated as she began to realize how stupid it all was. He couldn't love her. He had to hate her. She'd said bad things to him and had done bad things to him. A frown appeared on her face then and she shook her skull. "Don't believe you." But her voice was strained. Shine. She stared at his cyan eyes, breathing harsly, and ran away.

Besides. Who could love an ugly beast like her?

// I was thinking we could do a timeskip to after everything? And she can be the one to call him over through the bond?

eek she can break the news to him!

Littlestar could scarcely believe she was pregnant. But it'd been two or three weeks since she'd, ugh, slept with Luca and it was starting to show. Asides from the gross morning sickness she got and the nausea and fatigue she felt daily, the bump on her belly was growing with every passing second. With most mothers, it would delight them. Make them happy to know life was blooming inside their stomach. But with Littlestar it only brought her fear and dread. She was no mother. She was no lover. She knew she would struggle with these.. these kittens or whatever they would be. She didn't know how to be motherly. Littlestar never had a mother figure, never knew what it was like. So how in the hell could she even attempt to be one for a bunch of her own? Yeah, she was scared. And the day would come where she would birth some kids.... and that day wasn't even that far away.

Some days she was fine, walking around, eating properly, smiling even. And then there were days where she wasn't. Like this day. Littlestar sat on the black sand beach, completely alone. It was nightime and despite the fact she was exhausted, she couldn't sleep. Tears streamed down her face and she sobbed. Emotions swirled inside her head. She felt ill again. Littlestar didn't know what to do- she didn't know what she'd do. She still felt like she was only a kid herself. A kid having kids. It should all be pretend, it should only be little dollies she was pretending to be the mother to. But it wasn't. It was real. This was happening. The little swell on her belly only succeeded to remind her of that fact. Without knowing it, she was pulling softly, panickedly at the bond between her and Shininglight. She needed someone right now and she didn't know who to turn to. Right now she wanted to have her fathers there so she could run up to them and wrap them in her arms. But they weren't here. They were dead and gone. She'd never see them again.

She was just a little girl, really. Yes, she was grown up and yes, she had been through terrible things and yes, she lead a clan and was an official figure and sorted alliances and everything else adult-like. But she never more felt like a little girl then right now.

Shininglight was also a frequent visitor in her mind. He was there when she was thinking about what to do in the morning, he was there when she was feeling sad or mad and he was there, in the corner of her mind, when she was in deep thinking over the dumbest things. He was just a still, silent presence in the back of her mind. She'd grown to ignore that little presence but it was getting harder to do such a thing. The more she tried to ignore, the more she thought about it. And the more she thought about it, the sadder she felt.

It didn't even make her flinch, the sounds of his paws against the sand. She just sat there, tears falling. She could smell him right away. Riverclan, Shininglight. A fist of flames and anger made its presence known in her brain. She could feel it. But the sadness was overwhelming, the need was even more so. She doused the flames and allowed herself to relax, nose leaking. Her fur was stained blue by the glow of his eyes and she didn't react as he came closer to her. She didn't need words, she didn't need a lecture. But he provided none. Just silence. And even if it was the same as before.. it was more comforting knowing someone was there. Just.. someone. He settled down besides her and she remained quiet asides from the gentle shudderings of her sobs. Who knows how long passed after that point? She just sat there, staring out at the sea. The black sea that lapped at the black sand while her black mind sat here too, thinking, dwelling, breaking.

"It's all wrong."

She spoke quietly, not looking at him, her gaze calm on the sea. Tears fell down again and she sharply breathed in. "It all just.. went so wrong."

The past was written down and there was nothing she or any damned god could do. There was no travelling back in time and changing your mistakes. She wanted to. If she had those abilities, she would. But out of all the powers that existed in this present day, time traveling was not one of them. Not all the way back to the past, at least. And it hurt to know nothing would ever change but the least she could do was try change the future. But that was so hard when your mind was so.. stuck on the past. All the bad things that'd ever happened to her continually played in a loop and she always envisioned things she could've said to better the outcome or moves to avoid that swing that took her down and lead to this and lead to that. I'll never be able to do that, though. I have to act in the now. The now.

His words quieten her breathing and she is so aware of everything that she can feel the regret through the bond. Each sound she makes, she can feel it from him. Positively radiating, as if he was the sun. His wing extends to her and touches her back. She stiffens, and her breathing tenses and she digs her claws into the ground, wondering if she could slash his face but nothing comes of it. Her body loosens up from it's coil like state and she breathes out, finally dragging her dead golden eyes to him. How can someone be so forgiving, so full of love and peace? He's lived a long life, she knows that. Which means things have surely happened to him, bad things. Why isn't he damaged? Why isn't he angry at the world? She can't comprehend the idea of being so loving. Flashes of the past, of her throwing a bleeding head at him, of her saying she hated him, peirced her mind. She just stares at him as these memories of her being angry and cruel towards him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Lit,"

"I hate you. I HATE you."

"You're confusing me."

"No... You're right... Shine would have stuck by your side. Shine would have never let you get hurt. Shine would have never let you down."

His body and mind had decided to no longer evade those talons, which had now grazed his shoulder and dug deep into his chest.

Her eyes widened as if she was suddenly realizing, watching his blood drip onto her claws.

"Why are you the one apologizing?"

A soft sob breaks out and she looks at him properly, for the first time in months. "I hurt you. I slashed you, I called you a murderer, I shamed you and I said I hated you. So why don't you hate me?"