I got to let go;; Joining

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    And you i knew- took up all of me with no apologies

    After sel visited her, Calla ran- she ran as fast as her legs could carry her- which wasn't as fast as she used to be- but still above average. The other was a sign- a symbol that she didn't need. She didn't want self destruction- she wanted Obscuro back. She wanted her master to need her as much as Calla needed her. Yet what she got was a cut string, she got something she didn't want. It had taken weeks for Calla's mind to clear, living the loner lifestyle was something she was used to- it was what she was before and she found herself searching, listlessly her blinded gaze would scan the terrain- the ground, the sky as if it held all the answers, when she knew they resided inside herself.


    It took time, to realize that what she wanted wasn't healthy. That there was something wrong with her, something sickening. She wanted something she knew she wouldn't allow herself to have. She could't allow herself to fall for her master- for her captor, Calla had to remind herself- that she was taken against her will- she never wanted to be with Obscuro until she had no other choice. So, she had ran, but running was over, when she stepped over a twig, leaves brushing and crinkling mirthfully under her paws. Scared form- because she had scars now- she was a rouge- she had gotten into fights- proven her independency. Now it was time to face her fears, time to face her first love- who risked everything to find her.


    Something she knew was that Obscuro only let her go- was because of this person. Obscuro wasn't kind, she didn't do mercy- Self Destruction had to have done something. As much as she wanted to scream take it back, what have you done?! Calla knew better to- just took the fact that she owed someone her freedom- her life, into stride. She took everything into stride. Whatever she had done has been done- and Calla had to do something.


    So, she took one addiction- another love- and swapped if for another.

    Taking things in stride is what the Captain did, or what she used to do, before becoming unraveled. Before, it was like nothing could shake her, she just smirked whatever came her way off. Now, with the loss of everyone she held dear save Romanpaw, she was unstable. Volatile. As likely to turn her blade on a Clanmate as anyone else, though she was pretty sure she was past that point. She was also pretty much past the numbness, bits of emotion creeping in. She felt something for what she'd lost. And what she'd done. And with every passing day, she wondered if the pit in her stomach would ever go away, or if that's what it even was.

    Hearing Obscuro say that Calla was still alive, still out there, she'd gone through wave after wave of emotion. Joy that she was alive, fear that she was hurt, anger that either Obscuro had kept her locked up or Calla had chosen to stay away, and desperation to get her back. There might have been even more, but Sel's feelings were too muddled to really identify what was connected to what.

    There had been one thing, though, that was definitely related. Doubt. That this was real, that this was everything she might hope to be. And when she went to ShadowClan and Calla had run, she thought she'd been right to doubt. Obscuro was taunting her, or making sure that Sel knew that her former lover was out there, alive and well, but either unwilling or unable to be with her. Probably until Obscuro got whatever she wanted from the Skulls. Smart plan, really. Sel wouldn't hesitate whatsoever to betray the former Demon Queen, but with Calla on the line?

    And now, Calla was here. The siamese couldn't help be suspicious, tramping down any hope that something had changed for the better. She couldn't believe it until it was real. "Calla?" She almost added "love" (the two words rolled off her tongue so well together), but after calling the other that last time and seeing her run, she decided against it.

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    Tags (Updated 5/18/17)

    And you i knew- took up all of me with no apologies

    Calla had to stop herself from running then, and she was thankful that the other couldn't see her eyes- because while she could still her body- she couldn't steel her eyes. Maybe, maybe after all was said and done she would be able to remove the blindfold. Be able to meet sel in the eye but right then- right now she knew she couldn't she was too f!cked up and she wasn't sure she even deserved-


    Calla forced out a breath, after her name was called- only one would know her here, unless selfdestruction herself had explained her- had told the other's in this clan about her. why did that thought send a rush of guilt in her? Why did she feel so helpless in all of this? "Sel." Calla spoke, voice barely above a whisper and she couldn't stop the quiver in her lips, a twitch upwards because this was how it was before, the only difference was that she was the one to come- she was the one to come looking. She moved to step over the border- only to stop, paw raised and she pushed it to her chest, as if it would help the hesitation. Was she... welcome here? Did sel even want her anymore?


    "... What d id you do?" Her voice broke in that sentence, and she forced them out through her teeth- because before she could even think about comming here- she ahd to be sure. She had to know Sel was the reason she was free. She had to know what she did- how many more were dead Because of calla? How many more did she have to force herself to tally into her books? Worst of all, she had to be sure- it was selfish and it was hopeless- that selfdestruction wasn't the reason- that she came her of her own choice- that calla did; because she wanted to be here. As if this was the reason behind her comming here. when she knew it wasn't.

    Sel wished she could see the other's eyes, wished she knew what the other was thinking and feeling. But at the same time, she was almost glad that Calla couldn't see her right then, unsure and with a dozen new ghosts in her eyes. It's better that she can't see me. Sel told herself, though she didn't really believe it.

    Blue eyes watched Calla as she struggled with coming forward or staying back. She wanted to reach out, take the other's paw and bring her forward, but she remained where she stood, still as a statue. Even when Calla's voice was quiet, even when it broke. The question - what did you do - was broad. It could mean anything, she might be asking what she'd done to find her, or what she'd done in lieu of her. Sel was trying not to think about that, trying to tell herself that the question wasn't accusing, not really. Calla had no reason to accuse her of anything, she couldn't possibly know anything, not yet. "What do you mean?" She asked hoarsely.

    what is muse hh
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    Tags (Updated 6/18/17)

    And you i knew- took up all of me with no apologies

    Calla wasn't dumb, she liked to consider herself clever and quick witted. When pushed beyond any normal person would break-and she did, she did over and overandoverand- Calla had to outwit her captor- however small, she had to amuse and tame the curious side of Obscuro- otherwise she would've faced her wraith. She had been conditioned to be clever- to observe without seeing. To laugh when she was bleeding and to remain impassive when she cried. The other's silence- their stillness spoke. It spoke volumes to Calla and suddenly she felt herself yearning for sel. She flung caution to the wind and stepped over the border.


    Sel's voice was horse, and while she couldn't smell tears in the air she knew it was close. What sel didn't give was an answer- and to her that was all that she needed. It conformed it- Calla was once again indebted and so she would stay, unless she found one wa to appease either part into letting her go- or taking her back.


    suddenly, she found she didn't want to go back.


    "Oh sel," Calla's voice was a broken record at this point- preaching the same sorrow it always had. This time it wasn't her own but Sel's. It must have been a promise- a favor that Obscuro was willing to cash in soon, if tension was true. "Sel I'm not worth whatever she promised you." Calla the anonymity out the window with ehr statement. Her voice dragged to the earth, and her gaze turned towards the ground. "Please tell me there it wasn't for you, tell me you didn't do what I did." What got her here- what turned her into a puppet. Did sel sell her soul? Did she give it away to the demon that took Calla's?

    Sel was someone that rarely missed anything. She saw the hesitations, the sparks in the eyes of others, the unbridled hatred and the thinly veiled loathing. The tiny shifts and the big ones. Reading people felt like part of the job - and being unreadable was just the same. Whatever she was feeling had to be replaced with whatever would best work to her advantage. But lately, that was all out the window. She was missing things and doing a poor job of hiding her inner turmoil. And oh boy - there was a lot going on in her head.

    The feline swallowed, knowing her voice would still be hoarse if she didn't get rid of this goddamn lump in her throat. "You're all she promised me, Calla. Don't say you're not worth it." Deep breaths, in and out. "It isn't it for me, Calla. I didn't promise her anything.. that she can collect on." Just a heartbeat of a pause, one Sel couldn't help but hope Calla wouldn't notice. Both things were true, she promised nothing, let alone anything Obscuro could collect, but just saying she hadn't made any promises might be contrary to Sel's earlier claim that she was worth it.

    And oh lord, she was.
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    Tags (Updated 6/18/17)