//wheezing
//weak ending intensifies but i lost muse
//this is open for responding to!
He had always known he was different.
From the moment he could walk and talk- he had always been the outcast.
He was certain he had never done anything wrong. So why? His siblings treated him differently. They did things he didn't understand. 'Smiling.' What did it mean to smile? 'Laughing.' Laughing was associated with smiling. He had tried it once. There was no benefit from it. Why did they do it? Why did others... 'laugh?' Why did they 'smile,' if there was no benefit from such a useless action? What caused them to do it so freely?
Ska'arq never understood.
"Mother, I don't understand." He could remember the conversation clearly, even to the present day.
"Understand what, sweetheart?" hummed the reptile, tail swishing gently as she worked. The carcass in her claws was being stripped away, the meat being prepared for the night's supper. The raw smell was tantalizing.
"Smiling. Laughing. I don't understand. What is the purpose?" Oh, so clearly. He remembered it so clearly. The look of utter confusion on his mother's face as she turned, looking down at her son. She, too, had always been aware of how different Ska'arq was. Perhaps she never quite understood the depth of her son's peculiarity.
"Smiling and laughing brings joy. Haven't you felt happy before?" The carcass was set down on the stone as the larger dragon bent down. Her eyes became level with his. Ska'arq shook his head once. So many new words. 'Joy.' Smiling and laughing created joy? What was 'happy?' He was certain he had never touched such a thing. What did 'happy' feel like? How did 'joy' relate to 'happy?' Perhaps they were two words for the same thing. He was aware of synonyms.
He wanted to know the answers. Why did he want to know the answers? Perhaps a better understanding would help him. "I have never felt 'happy' before. Do you have any? I would like to see it." His head tipped to the side again. Would touching happy give him a better understanding? Ska'arq blinked as his mother did. Her eyes were bright with something he couldn't recognize. The older beast pulled away, her lips pulling back. There it was. A 'smile.' She began to laugh. Smiling and laughing brings joy. Joy is a synonym for happy. The hatchling looked around. Where was happy? He couldn't see it.
"Happy isn't an object, Ska'arq! It's a feeling! An emotion! Quit being a silly goose." Reaching down with her large hand, she patted his head and nudged him away. With no other choice, he had left to go find his siblings. 'Emotion.' A new word. He would have to find out what it meant. He would watch his siblings for a while. Maybe they would provide some understanding for him. It was through watching them that he discovered what smiling and laughing was.
For several weeks, he did nothing but watch his siblings. He didn't approach them- not once. As predicted, he learned several things. Smiling and laughing brought joy. Joy meant happiness. Happiness was created when they 'played' together. Playing was associated with games. Games made them smile. Games made them laugh.
It apparently made them 'cry' as well. Ska'arq didn't understand. It had been a simple fall. All she had done was scrape her nose. Why was she making such a loud noise? Why was water leaking from her eyes? Perhaps she had become sick. No... There was blood coming out of her nose. She was in 'pain.' Pain was the body's defense against further harm. Yes. He understood now. Crying meant pain. How could crying be related to games? Games meant smiling and laughing. How could it mean both? With more and more questions popping up, Ska'arq stowed away the information he had learned.
And he continued watching.
It had been about a month later when their mother left them. They were a year old. They were capable of fending for themselves now. Ska'arq was becoming more and more aware. On their own, he learned of new 'emotions.' Anger. Fear. Disgust. Guilt and regret. What caused such reactions? In what way were they useful for survival? Fear he understood. It helped prevent death by provoking the fight or flight response. Fighting meant anger. Anger lead to guilt and regret. Disgust caused anger. Was everything connected? It was fascinating.
But it seemed anger was caused by a multitude of things.
His sister glared at him, her face scrunched into a scowl. "Stop staring!" she growled. "That's all you do! You never help with hunting! You never help with cooking! You never help with anything! All you do is stare! You're creepy! Freak!" ...Interesting. Without a word, Ska'arq had stood up and left.
Then it occurred to him.
Could he create his own reactions?
Animal upon animal, dead by his claws. None of them laughed. None of them cried. None of them yelled. All they did was scream. Fear? How did pain relate to fear? Pain was supposed to relate to crying. These animals did not cry. Was it the fear of pain? Yes. He could conclude that it was. But what did it mean to feel fear? What did it mean to feel sad? Sad meant crying. He knew what pain was. Pain was one of the few things he could feel. Yet, not once did he feel fear. He never felt anger. He never felt sadness. Or happiness. Joy. What was he missing? Was he doing something wrong? He had tried a multitude of times to provoke the same reactions as those around him. He played games. He put himself through pain. Nothing. So why? What was he missing?
Ska'arq thought. And thought. And thought. Hours turned into days; days into weeks.
What if it was the animals?
The animals had never given him anything but fear. Could animals only feel fear? Did he need sentient life to feel? Yes. Perhaps that was it. Setting off on his journey, he hunted for his siblings. He had to find them again. It took a long time, but he did find them again.
It seemed his experiments had caused him to become stronger. He was larger than his sisters now. More powerful. They were still angry to see him, as expected.
Ska'arq couldn't feel regret or sadness. He couldn't feel anything. Without a drop of shame, he conducted his experiments on his siblings. They were powerless against him.
At first, he made them feel happy. It was difficult, considering they were constantly angry at him. Eventually, they were happy to have him around. Happiness was caused by pleasantries. His experiments gradually became worse and worse as he traveled the spectrum of emotions. Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Guilt and remorse. And finally...
Fear.
His experiments were almost complete. He almost had all the information he needed. Was fear different for sentient life? He was going to find out.
He forced one to watch as he killed the other. The response was extraordinary. He had no idea so many emotions could be shown at once. She had tried to kill him right then and there. In the end, he was unable to restrain her, and had no choice but to kill her. It was such a waste. He had been thinking of other experiments as well.
After all that time, he was certain he knew it all. Emotions. Why they occurred. What caused them to occur. The true question remained. Why couldn't he feel emotions? Was he doing something wrong? After all this time, was he still missing something?
It was late at night when the idea struck him.
What if he could take the emotions? If he could contain them, would he be able to feel? And with that final thought, he fell into a restless sleep.
It took an entire year.
Ska'arq sat there, the small vial pinched between his claws. There it was. With direct contact with sentient life, raw emotions would fill the vial. The emotions would be his. It had taken many, many trials and errors to get this emotion right. Popping the empty vial into its lid, he sat back on his haunches as he tied the lace around his neck. At last. He was on the track to understanding.
All he needed was sentient life. He had already tried the vial on himself- nothing happened.
Sentient life. Just one.
Three days of travel.
...He found one.
A lone child, his mother mauled by a bear. All he needed was his emotion. His problems were irrelevant.
"The pain will go away if you stick your claw in this bottle," he said to the child. His voice was empty; there was no traces of lying. The child didn't hesitate as he did just that.
The pale yellow liquid dripped from the child's claw. He lurched. Was the process painful? Irrelevant. Ska'arq's cyan eyes were locked onto the vial as it slowly filled up.
Present-day Ska'arq never took more than a third of the vial's volume from someone for a reason. You could only learn from a mistake if you made one.
As the last drop filled the vial to the top, Ska'arq pulled it away, staring at the brightly colored liquid. There it was. A year's worth of efforts. It was sitting in his grasp. There was a thud, and the dragon glanced down at the collapsed child. He nudged the still form. The child stirred, and sat up blearily. "Feel happy," Ska'arq said, forcing a smile on his face. Smiling led to other smiles, correct? This was a situation where one would be smiling; a hard earned success. So why was this child not smiling? He was staring blankly at the dragon. The child's head tipped to the side.
"Why would I?" he asked. "What purpose does smiling serve? I don't get it."
Ska'arq stared at the child. Could he not feel happiness? With a moment of self-doubt, he looked at the vial. What was in it, then?
Only one way to find out.
Reaching up to the necklace, he clipped it into the lid.
The dragon stiffened. A tight feeling sat in his chest. What was it? It made him want to... squeal. Why?
He couldn't hold it back.
Ska'arq's face parted into a smile. A real, genuine smile. Why was he smiling? He couldn't make it stop. He was smiling. He wanted to smile.
And then he laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. He couldn't stop laughing. Why was he laughing? Why did he...
Why did he feel this way? It was beautiful. Oh, it was so, so beautiful. Beautiful. Was this it? Was this 'happiness?' He understood now. He understood everything. As his laughter died away, he lifted a foot and wiped away the tears. Tears? Was this sadness or happiness? Was that what crying felt like? Perhaps he didn't understand everything after all.
This was joy. This was happiness.
He needed to know. He needed to make the others. He needed more emotions.
As Ska'arq traveled far and wide, he encountered and discovered more emotions than he knew existed.
Bright yellow. He had finally made another vial! He had never felt so good about himself before. He had never felt so good about his creation before. What was this? Pride? Excitement? Both? Oh, it was wonderful.
He wanted more.
Luck.
Courage.
Tranquility.
Nausea. (It wasn't a pleasant experience.)
Patience.
Hope.
Trust.
Anger.
Thoughtfulness.
Curiousness.
Respect.
Determination.
Fear.
Twelve years. So many emotions. It was fantastic. How had he lived so long without emotions?
The final one was just finished. He had just taken the emotion off of another child. Children were easy to manipulate. Feeling proud of himself yet again, he clipped the dark blue vial onto his vast array of colors. It was now apart of it all.
But it... What was going on?
Suddenly, Ska'arq thought back. Back to his mother. To his siblings. The animals he'd killed. To the children he'd stolen emotions from. And suddenly...
His throat became tight. It was almost suffocating. What had he done? What had he done? He let out a whimper. Oh. Oh no. Why? Why did he do it? Was it worth it?
Tears began to fall. His throat became impossibly tighter, the weight in his chest unfathomable.
It tore its way out of his mouth. He had all but collapsed. The sob ripped its way through the air, the pain reverberating in his ears. He didn't hurt. But he did. Why did he feel this way? What kind of pain was this? Why couldn't he stop thinking about them? He was crying. Was this sadness? He hated it. He hated it with all his heart. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want to feel this way. With that, he tore the vial off of his necklace. The shudder passed through him. As tears struggled to stop flowing down his cheeks, he stared at the vial in his claws.
No.
With a click, he put the vial back on the lace.
He would keep it.
The sobs kept coming. His sisters. The children. He stole everything from them. For the sake of his greed. He wouldn't throw that away over some tears. He would never forget them. He swore it that night, wailing under the full moon. He would never forget the sins he had committed. Never forget. For as long as he lived, the necklace would be a token of his efforts. The efforts of the others, those who had to live without what he stole from them- and those he killed, who would never again walk on the face of the Earth.
Ever.
The tears were still flowing when Ska'arq awoke, his body jerking into an upright position. Sucking in a shaking breath, he wiped his face with one, then both paws. Stumbling to his feet, he pushed his way out of the hut, staring up at the night sky.
A full moon. How ironic.
Sitting down on the grass, he squeezed his eyes shut, his breath hitching in his chest. He didn't bother trying to silence his sadness. He never did. The tears weren't just his; they belonged to them. He didn't have the right to take that away too.
He would live with the guilt forever. Reflecting on his actions, Ska'arq silently cried into the night.