I HOPE I DON'T BURDEN YOU | private, suga

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    ★ CHASTIEFOL BELLION - i'm better sleeping on my own


    The sound of the ocean lapping hungrily at the sandy shore of Sunclan’s tropical territory was the most prominent thing to him. It was the thing that woke him up from his apparent hazy slumber. Glazed eyes blinked slowly, pale gaze barely clearing as the youth attempted to comprehend what he was doing as he levitated there, peering out with near lifeless eyes at the horizon from his place a safe distance from the edge of the cliff that he had been approaching. He was not sure why he was there. His world had blurred for more than ten minutes and he had no idea what he was doing. Where was he, again? Chastiefol found that he had hovered closer to the precarious edge of the cliffs that he had approached. The lines between the reality around him and the fantasy clouding his exhausted mind were so hazy now that he was not sure whether he was actually imagining what was happening to him or not. The near constant searing pain that he felt within his broken leg had numbed into a dull, throb and it was as if he could not feel what was happening at all anymore. What was he doing again?

     

    He could jump. What was there in the mortal realm for him anyway? Nothing, as far as he was concerned and he was almost completely certain that no one cared enough about him to really mourn if he was to pass on, be his death a self inflicted one or something more of natural causes. Elaine was dead. All of those other fairies that had lived alongside him within the forest realm that he had ruled over were dead too. They had all died due to his negligence and incapability as a leader. What had they expected to happen though? He had still been young yet forced into a role that he personally had not felt ready for. It was not his fault, it was all their fault. So, why did he blame himself so heavily? It was the same with Blueridge, Kunta and Strawberrysugar. He had loved all three of them with his entire heart however, he had started to let his guard down and look at what had happened to them. Yet another group of beloved family to him who had all been lost because he was unable to pay attention to what was happening around him. His previously laidback, lazy attitude had not gotten him in trouble. Instead, it had mean that he was basically the cause of the deaths of everyone whom he had ever loved before.

     

    He could probably jump. Dark waters swished to and fro far beneath his paws. Sea foam sang for him to become one with them and he was so tempted. So very fucking tempted. Elaine would be disappointed though. At least, she would have been disappointed in him if she was still alive. He felt his body physically shaking as the thoughts hummed around within his mind as if someone had aggressively shaken up hornet hive before forcefully inserting it into the center of his brain. Images flashed up within his mind. A frail russian blue feline on the more unhealthy side of skinny stood, one hind leg jutting out from his side at a sickening angle. The same small feline stepping out into the wide world, agonised grin plastered in a sadistically bright way across their lips as their body tilted forwards and fell. Plummeted towards the jagged rocks and churning sapphire waves that threatened to swallow them whole.

     

    He couldn’t jump. Chastiefol felt every single muscle within his feline form constrict sharply as soon as he realised what he was doing. There was no way that he could do what he was about to do, it was too much of a risk when he still had things to live for. He could feel his body panic for a few moments as his mind went blank, slender form clashing with the hard earth underneath him. That was more than enough to wake him up, pain instantly engulfing him as his leg, swiftly taking over his entire corporeal form.

     

    Inhale.

     

    He drew in a long, shaky breath. The salty tang of the ocean stained air flooded into frail lungs as he allowed the tainted oxygen to fill his body through parted lips. He knew that things had gone wrong and although he had tried his very best to think otherwise prior to that moment in time, there was no way in any realm at all that he would now be able to convince himself otherwise. It had been easy to at the very least pretend that things were alright when he had first joined Sunclan because he had arrived with some very strict, set expectation on how he was going to conduct himself in the group. He intended on just joining for a place of shelter, food, water and a little bit of scattered companionship where he would converse with others when he felt like he needed to have a bit of a talk with someone who was not the mirror or empty air.

     

    However, that was not what had happened and he found that life was a lot different to those expectations. He had grown relatively close to a few individuals. Theo being one of them and he could not deny that he missed the energy that the canine let off every time he approached a scene. It was almost always enough to bring a tender little grin to his lips. He had not seen the excitable samoyed for quite some time however and although he did not wish to think that something bad could have occurred to him, the fact that all of the negativity of the recent events in his life were still very prominent within his mind, such ideas were not things that he could now so easily rule out of scenarios. Another example of such a creature that he found himself drawn to in Sunclan had to be Hoseok. He quite liked the leader. No. He had quite like the former leader. They had never been particularly close to each other however, he had always found that he held an unspoken sense of admiration towards the vulpine male but what good did that do? He had left words on the tip of his tongue for so long now and there was no chance for them to be spoken to the one whom he wished to hear such words.

     

    He would just be forced to converse with empty air. Again.

     

    There were very few members left in Sunclan and he knew better than to care about such a thing yet he could not deny the fact that whenever he found himself contemplating the potential negative fate of the place that he resided in, he found his heart clenching in a deadly mixture of fear and sorrow. He tried so hard to pretend that he had no positive emotions to the clan and its members but that was far from the case and, especially after Hoseok’s death, he found it hard to actually continue with a lie that he knew was false. It did not help that he had been blessed with responsibility despite the fact that he was just a blatant hinderance to the group. Never before had he been able to so confidently doubt the judgement passed by a leader. At least, never before that moment. And, although Chastiefol did not have the heart to bluntly state that he was not of use to them and had never actually intended on staying for as long as he actually had, he still found himself believing in such a thing. Suga would most likely not be happy to hear such things however and the last thing that he wanted to be was a complete and utter burden, especially when the leader had the stress of leadership and children heavy on his shoulders.

     

    ”Fuck me” he breathed out, shoulders hunched up as he slowly pushed himself away from the edge of the hell that he had been about to willingly invite into his world, every single, individual strand of fur on end as he did so. He could feel the soft rays of moonlight enveloping him in a tender embrace, the charcoal skies high above him beaming down with miniature lights. Who gave the world the right to be so happy when life was everything but that?

     

    What a wonderful day to doubt life.

    Sugaredpoison was so different than Chastiefol, in almost every way, but many times he had stood on the edge of a cliff, staring down into the ice cold water and contemplating doing the same thing; jumping. His motives were nothing like his clan-mates, but even so he could still imagine himself thinking these thoughts at this moment if he let himself. It was part of the reason that the hybrid traveled to the very same cliff that night and caught sight of Chastiefol staring down at the crashing waves. He almost let himself touch the darkness again, but seeing Chas sitting there was the reason why he couldn't do it. Chas was a SunClanner, and SunClan was his responsibility. Even before he was Leader SunClan was his responsibility. He was born and raised here, his clan-mates were his family and they trusted in him to be a protector for them. It would be selfish to take his own life. He had to be here for them, he had to be here.

    But did Chastiefol have the same type of thing to anchor him? Did he have any anchors at all? Maybe not, but Suga couldn't let it happen. He was supposed to be Chas' protector. He washed out all of the emo from his thoughts and put a happy smile on his face. It wasn't exactly fake, but Chas knew how it was, obviously. "Well, I mean, if you're offering." The vampire said quietly as he approached, his paws so silent that his voice probably startled the other. It was time to sink his claws in, tie himself to Chas. He had to be his anchor.
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    ★ CHASTIEFOL BELLION - i'm better sleeping on my own

     

    No, he held no ties to Sunclan because, unlike Suga, he had not lived in Sunclan for the entirety of his life and he had no friends or family surrounding him to keep him grounded. Especially throughout harsh times and although it was not necessarily hard times that he was facing, he could not deny that the path that he was walking was growing rather rocky. Others were dying and leaving and although death and departure was a constant, daily thing, it stung to know that it was happening to him. He felt as if he was for some reason rooted to the ground whilst he was watching the faces of his beloved joyously run off into a sunset without him. He didn’t want them to leave. He wanted them to come back and hug him and tell him that everything was alright. He wanted to scream.

     

    “Well, I mean, if you’re offering.”

     

    The sudden words melting from the darkness and empty air stunned him and he felt his limbs stiffen as if they had become solid metal once more. It took all of the willpower that he had inside of him to look up from his paws, glazed powdered blue eyes latching almost immediately onto familiar fur. The fairy allowed his gaze to linger on the swirling patterns of the other male’s pelt, not feeling as if he could bare lifting his eyes to the face of the one who had approached, not yet. The words had caught him off guard, mostly because he had not expected anyone to be around in such a place as such a time whilst the majority of the world slumbered in peace. The nature of the response given to him did not help the stunned state that he was in and Chas found himself spitting out the very first thing that came to his mind like the true genius that he was.

     

    “Not exactly, but I’ll be sure to hit you up if that ever changes”

     

    He was as smooth as ever it seemed despite his clearly quivering tone as the free words dripped from his lips, the almost carefree attitude that he had adopted ever since his encounter with Barbara. In a way, she had taken so much more from him then even she probably realised. The mere thought of her sent electric like tingles to sear through the various lacerations desecrating his skin. He could feel his lips begin to burn in protest and he could practically feel the brush of her whiskers. The light giggles and sickeningly sweet hums of ‘cutie’ and ‘my love’ still deafening to him. To many others from an outside perspective, they would probably just think him to be overreacting because hey, the worst that she had done was break his leg and lightly slit his throat. It was no big deal. Except, it was a massive deal and as he replied in a shaky voice to the leader he was quickly discovering how much the experience had actually affected him. But, that was not something that he needed to be thinking about at that moment in time. Especially not after what had just happened. What he had just contemplated to attempt.

     

    Commander Arcanium. No. “Suga. What brings you out here?” the russian blue youth asked in an attempt to be casual, drawing a pale pink tongue across thin black lips as he did so, the nervous sweeping action speaking a thousand words in regards to his current emotional state. It was not that he was uncomfortable with the hybrid, especially considering the fact that they were now pretty much the only familiar face in Sunclan that he was able to recognise but he could not help the sensation of unease swelling up from within his stomach. Maybe it was guilt for what he had just done. Chastiefol was not sure why he would actually feel guilt seeing that he had been doing so by himself and if he was to have died just then it would have been no one else’s fault but his own. However, as exhausted eyes watched the fake, no, not fake, sombre almost, smile stretched out on the mouth of one whom he felt was the only one who he could trust to be alone with him, he could not help but find himself fighting back the urge to spit out an apology for his actions.

     

    Perhaps if he would have been aware of the fact that there was in fact another living being out there who would willingly defend and protect him then such morbid, devastating thoughts like what he had just endured would not have crossed his frail mind. However, he knew nothing of Suga’s belief that he could be his protector. His anchor. And whatever celestial beings out there knew that he sure as hell needed an anchor. But, even the thought that the hybrid being would consider doing such a thing for him of all mortal beings was something that he, if he knew of it, would have probably laughed about. Who would want to be his anchor anyway? It was hilarious.

    "The same thine as you, I suppose," The Commander replied, letting the lack of title in Chastiefol's reply slip by. The formalities were mostly for show and special occasions, and he saw no need to make his friend call him this every time they spoke. He didn't think of this for long before returning his attention to what now seemed to be a conversation. "What a waste it would be, hmm?" He said as he nestled himself into a sitting position beside his clan-mate, "If we jumped, it would be a waste of the attractiveness we could show off to the world."
    [ hella late & slightly rushed, lmao sorry!1! ]
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    ★ CHASTIEFOL BELLION - i'm better sleeping on my own


    "The same thing as you. I suppose"


    Lips that had previously been drawn into a thin line quivered slightly as the thought crossed his mind. The knowledge that the other being had too contemplated what he had been thinking of was unsettling in ways that Chastiefol was unable to properly pin down. He was not sure whether the shared experience and train of thought was something that he should allow to bring them closer together or tear them further apart. He could not deny the fact that his heartbeat had picked up slightly at the thought of Suga jumping. How would he have liked to go out? Would he have just stepped off and allow gravity to harshly grip his body, bending him into a curve as he plummeted towards the swirling depths with who knows how many jagged rocks underneath? No, Chastiefol would have liked to imagine that the commander would do such a thing as death with his own personalised, graceful twist on it. He would have leaped out, hovering in the cold, unforgiving air for a few moments like a bird in flight before descending, fur whipping around in the wind and for a few seconds the world would hold its breath. Chas would peacefully sleep, none the wiser to the loss of a life that was about to occur. Silence. But, even if that was the truth, he knew full well that it was not bound to happen any time soon. See, the leader was the leader and that meant that he had mountains of responsibility. Chastie knew how it felt to have the pressure of such a thing crushing down upon his weak shoulders but with Suga it was a little different. The commander also had children and his subjects admired him. That had never truly been the case with himself. He had been respected, not adored.


    The fairy was unsure of how to respond to the words that had been initially spoken, training his glazed powdered baby blue gaze on the distant link between the sea and the sky where the two dark masses caressed in a chaotic fusion on the horizon. He was internally glad that the other male had chosen to speak further in a light tone to lift the dark atmosphere that he had created around himself. He was glad that the world was asleep, unable to comprehend what was going on at that moment in time. It gave him the time to really put it into perspective for himself and that was partially thanks to the commander besides him. He felt angry. Angry that he had stopped himself. But who was he really angry with? It couldn't be Suga, that would just be stupid because he knew that he had good intentions and did not want to hurt him or see him hurt. But, he could not be angry with himself. He had been angry at himself for far too long now. He pressed his front legs tighter against himself as he pushed the thoughts away, letting the other male's words wash over him like golden sunlight. He allowed a very gentle smile to break out across his lips at that comment, fictional brows quirked upwards as he cast a glance back to Suga. It had taken a lot to tear his gaze from the darkened horizon that he had been so desperately trying to focus on because maybe if he did that then he could convince himself that everything was still alright and he could just slip away from the current conversation later without knowing what he knew. That the leader thought the same things that he did. That he just wanted to help. Chastiefol didn't need help, he had convinced himself of that a long time ago because whenever he had let another help, it never ended like how it was supposed to.


    "I know right? What was I thinking, trying to rid the world of such attractiveness would be a crime against mortal and immortal kind both." he hummed, shaking his head slightly in mock disappointment. He was not sure how he was able to make such light of such a serious situation. A situation that he had just found himself in. Perhaps that was why he was able to do so, because this was all too ridiculous for him to even begin to try and comprehend properly. "I guess I just wasn't thinking properly. It's stupid now that I actually think about it" he added, head tilted to the side as he peered upwards at the slightly larger commander for a few moments before averting his gaze, shoulders sagging as he did so. He wasn't even sure why he was speaking to Suga about it in the first place. It was not like he exactly trusted the leader. At least, that was what he believed.

    ♥ Sugaredpoison let a laugh-like exhale escape his lips as his friend spoke, glad that he was able to return the humor. He knew all too well what the russian blue must be thinking as he stared out into that dark horizon. Those kinds of thoughts were the ones he was so desperately trying to push out of his own head, and possibly replace them with new ones, thoughts of caring for his loved ones. Like he'd already assumed, Chastiefol probably didn't have anything to replace those thoughts with. He probably believed, just as he had five minutes before, that the only way to replace them would be with nothing, so he had to create nothing.

    "You know what's really stupid?" The Commander said, his small smile still somehow lingering, "Im immortal; I literally can't die and I was still going to make an attempt at it. Pathetic, really, especially since I've already experienced tumbling down this very fucking hill. That's how I got stuck in my first coma, by the way." Maybe talking about suicide in such a comical and laid back way was fucked up. Actually, he knew it was, but it had always made him feel better, having a way to express his emotions while still keeping up a cool dude attitude. He wondered if it had the same effect on the Sunguard, but he was sure he'd find out eventually. "So what brought you here, Chastie? Is my leadership seriously so awesome that you couldn't take it anymore?"

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