[center][fancypost=text-align:justify; width:400px]Everything he did was a mistake. Letting Sheogorath accept him and his siblings into BloodClan. Letting Palepaw convince him that maybe clan cats weren't so "stupid and weak" after all. Leaving BloodClan, joining ShadowClan, leaving ShadowClan, joining SkyClan for the second time in his life. Accepting the position of medicine cat. Dropping the position and leaving for ThunderClan. Every major decision he had made was just another mouse-brained mistake. He could've prevented this situation from happening had he made different decisions. Sure, maybe he wouldn't have become deputy, but it wasn't like he cared very much about that anyways. He would rather be loved and respected than powerful, but yet he had gone and ruined everything just for the sake of following StarClan's orders.
StarClan. Oh great and powerful StarClan. Their wonderful and kind ancestors. Except they weren't his ancestors, they never would be, all because he wasn't born in the clans. He doubted they'd even give him his lives when it was his time to take Stoneface's place. He wouldn't go join them when he died, either, would he? He did so many terrible things, both as a child and even recently. Spying, burning down a territory, assaulting people, stealing. Those were only a few of the misdeeds he had done. Not to mention murder.
Murder. He had killed somebody. He had killed a ThunderClanner. He hadn't meant to, but she had attacked him and he had panicked and remembered everything he was taught at once. He remembered how he used to fight in BloodClan. How they had no rules against killing, or at least brutally injuring their opponents. How he was so happy to be strong and useful and powerful and - oh Lord, oh StarClan, he could almost taste her blood in his mouth again. It had all happened so fast. His claws slicing into her flesh, knocking her down, digging his fangs into her neck. Her blood had bubbled to the surface and coated his lips, staining the white fur pink. She had been so warm, the heat flooding out of her as she choked on her own blood.
Remembering what had happened was like a curse, placed upon him by nobody but himself. He had one million explanations lined up, one million different ways to explain why he was the way he was. It was his mother's influence, how she taught him to fear the world before abandoning him and his siblings. It was Sheogorath, who accepted him into BloodClan and told him to call him Uncle Sheo. It was how the then-Maine Coon had treated him, enticing a young Audenine with promises of power and illusions of being a caring leader. He'd never say it out loud, but being the only prominent, permanent male figure in his like, Audenine had almost come to see his former leader... As a father figure.
Of course, none of that was coming to his mind then. No, not then, when he was curled up and hissing curses to himself out in the depths of ThunderClan's territory. Not when he was busy spitting out StarClan's name like it was venom, a deadly poison that plagued his life and hexed him into being the horrid person he was. 'StarClan makes no mistakes,' he remembered somebody saying to him once. They were holy and perfect and benevolent, the ancestors of those who lived out their lives in the clans. But if they make no mistakes, he thought in all of his bitter sorrow, then they must hate me, for letting me live like this.
With thoughts like those, he wasn't sure how he was ever chosen as medicine cat. Or deputy, for that matter. Would he even get his lives when the time came? Did he even deserve them? Would he go to StarClan when he died, or would the Dark Forest take him? He had so many questions, so many things to ask but nobody to answer them. Why did things turn out this way? Why did he have to live like this? For StarClan's sake, his mother couldn't even live in the same clan as him! Every little thing kept piling up, every problem he had experienced in his life overwhelming him at once. He couldn't take it. He couldn't stand to bear it any more.
For the first time in a long while, Audenine wept.