The storms chasing me |CDC journal

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    April 14th 2017


    It's been ages since I've ever written in a journal.
    When I returned to Louisiana and went to the hospital after coming back from Germany, the doctors used to make me write down what happened to me in a journal because I couldn't say it in words. Ever since then I didn't really touch journaling or writing at all but now there are things I cannot say in words.


    There's something wrong with me.
    I'm angry, I've almost assaulted Vader today. I know he was the first to commit the crime but still I can't forgive myself for wanting to hurt another, even if it was Vader. It's been following me every single day this anger in me. It's not going away, every morning every prayer I can still feel that sensation inside me and I don't know if I'm overthinking it or if it's true. If it's true that I'm always angry.
    I hate it.
    Maybe that's another reason why my family's so broken.
    I know peter's been hurt, Blanche injured beyond belief, Mercy is hardly home and Roman's gone - ever since I died it's been just nothing and I'm so angry because I know its all my fault it's all of my doings. I can't forgive myself.
    Henry and I are growing more distant, I think. Maybe it's me, but maybe it's for the best. I've hurt him so much, I've left him when he needed me, I forced him to watch me die. I want to spend time with him, I want to have lunch like we used to, I was to lay down and look at the stars and pretend everything is alright but I know I can't.


    I drank with Oliver the other day. I don't know why, I didn't want to. It was impulsive and apparently I was... Violent.
    I'm turning into my father, and I'm just going to hurt Henry the more I get close. His husband is going insane, I know it, This isn't shell shock, this is something else and I'm terrified.
    But I don't deserve the Lord's mercy.
    I deserve this.