I'M STILL STANDING [ open ]

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    The burly tomcat knew what had to be done and what he had to tell his son, he took a shaky breath not being able to sleep the past night because of it. He had left the warriors den for the whole night to go spend some time to himself recalling his past despite how it made him terribly sad as well as uncomfortable with himself. He couldn't stall with small features of Tinypaw's mother and he found that it was time to tell his child of what had truly happened to his mother, whether it made Tinypaw hate him or not, he wouldn't be certain though that uncertainty had clung to him since the day that Firelily died. The fear that gnawed at him every night of having the his only son hate him for his crime. He took a shaky breath but he returned to camp with exhaustion evident in the way his muscles slumped, his eyes drooped, and the way he walked. He wouldn't hide it anymore and he would call out for his son "Tinypaw, get over 'ere." His voice tired, hoarse, and held a hint of hurt. Here it came. He couldn't live with himself and the load only grew heavier by the passing day.


    [ wait until tinypaw/exotica replies and it gets to a certain point ]

    [center][fancypost=bgcolor=;border: 0px solid white; width: 455px; text-align: justify; height: auto; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 122%; margin-top: -2px;]He was tired and hurting both physically and emotionally. Everything wasn't okay anymore as he had once thought them to be and he just wished that things would go back to the way that they were. Maybe it would have been better if he had not stumbled upon Riverclan. His small jaws worked gently as he tried to use his voice but at most all he got out was a wheezing breath that left his throat burning in pain and him squeezing his eyes shut and waiting for it to pass. Though he jerked his head up when he heard his father speaking for him. At first he frowned, debating on whether he should even listen to his cheating father. But he couldn't disobey him. So the small tom pushed himself to his paws and limped his way forward, eyes held down to watched the ground as he came up to the much larger tom. He was here so he was ready to listen.



    information — updated 4/03

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    There he was. He could feel his insides growing cold but he made sure that he could do this as he blinked his warm amber eyes once but something was missing from them, the familiar and welcoming warmth you'd get when you looked into his matching eyes and he released a soft breath before speaking in a tired voice "Sock. . .Look at me." He paused releasing a hurt chuckle "It might be ta'last, I get ta'look into your eyes. . .Or you. . ." He wasn't sure if it was true but he was scared after what he'd tell Tinypaw what truly happened to his mother, well, he was slightly certain that the tomcat would hate him even if it would hurt him more than any claws scraping and tearing into his flesh. "This is about your mother. . .S-she was a good she-cat, fierce whenever she needed ta'be and very loving. I was still in our group and well, I met her near ta'woods. . .She was beautiful. . .She was fantastic. She was one of them. . .I'd visit her 'til one day, she decided to go with me. . .We were in love, young and a bit wild. . .Soon enough, time passed and yer Ma told me she was expectin' ya. . .I was afraid and so happy, happy that I found someone and that we were having kids. We started picking names and talking about how much we'd love you guys. I was scared that I'd be a bad parent but yer Ma, Firelily, said not to worry. You were born. . .You were so small but we loved you with our hearts. . .We really did. I'd try spending as much time with ya and when I did, I felt this feeling I never felt before. . .My life was looking so much brighter, I felt blessed." He swallowed trying his best not to cry or get too emotional, he would let out some nervous laughter continuing "Then one day, all hell set loose. . .I came back from hunting and yer Ma was hurt. . .She had protected you from a coon. . .It had been. . .Sick. . .I worried for her day and night. She wasn't herself one day. . ."


    He could feel imaginary claws clenching onto his heart, squeezing it, he wanted to cry but he wanted to be better than that as he took a deep breath making sure that he wouldn't bawl. He flicked his ears back adding "She got sick because of the coon biting her. . .She wasn't herself and she tried. . .Getting you. . .I had to decide. . .You or your mother. . .I tried calling her multiple times. . .It was like she couldn't hear me. . .She tried to claw at me. . .I managed to move out of ta'way. . ." He stared down at his forepaws unsheathing his claws repeatedly before digging them into the ground "She died that day. . .Because of me." He couldn't do it anymore as he stepped back with his gaze towards the ground "I killed her. . .I wanted to keep you safe. . ."


    [ :^ ) ]

    [center][fancypost=bgcolor=;border: 0px solid white; width: 455px; text-align: justify; height: auto; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 122%; margin-top: -2px;]His head snapped up painfully at the way that his father said his former name a feeling of unease issuing forth from his gullet. What was going on? Why would this be the last time that he might see him? What was he talking about. The young tom swallowed painfully before he lightly shuffled his paws and shifted a little bit. There was a feeling of foreboding that was happening and he felt as if something was weighing him down. His mind fluttered to the scene he remembered, of his mother talking to him with gently starlight streaming through her pelt. It was interesting and he wanted to stay with her. Why had she not come back? Focusing on his father he listened with ears pulled forward. Oh, he'd heard this story before and he started to smile. His dad told him this story so many times of the beginning of their little family, how small he had been when he had come into the world and he felt his tail twitch with the thought of his mother, his family. He breath out softly but something was wrong. Deeply wrong. The story was different, things had changed. His mom...was bitten by a coon? A sick coon?


    Confusion colored the two toned eyes of the apprentice and he sucked in a harsh breath that tore at the throat wound on the child. He flattened his ears as Grizzly went on about what had happened how his mother tried to attack him, how he killed her. His own father killed his mother. It was the only thing that rang through his head. Firelily wasn't alive, Firelily was dead. She'd been dead this whole time and his father lied to him. She hadn't been doing her duty and was dead. She was...his mouth opened suddenly in a soft gasp as he thought to when she had come and visited him. Her pelt full of stars and she'd been dead then...Starclan. A gasping wheeze broke from his jaws as anger built up in the small tom. All this time he'd thought...she'd come back to them. That she was always going to be there for them. But his father hard murdered her! Small claws unsheathed quickly and he launched himself at Grizzly, a sloppy attack but was aimed at the other's chest to dig in claws and sink teeth into the flesh of his shoulder. He wanted to cry, but he lashed out instead, pain searing through his body both emotional and physical. Why was this happening? Why was everything breaking apart around him all at once?



    information — updated 4/03

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    He knew Tinypaw would be hurting and sad, he should have expected it when he felt claws on his chest and teeth in his shoulder though he didn't feel too much pain as he dung his claws into the ground with a hurt smile on his maw. "I wished I could ta'done somethin' more. . .Every day and night. . .I imagine how it'd be if your Ma had lived instead. . .Maybe. . .You'd be happier having yer Ma more than me. . .A boy needs his Ma." He closed his eyes briefly only to attempt to get his son off of him with a saddened expression everything around him falling to pieces slowly though he held his ground still staring down at his forepaws not sure if he was able to look at his son ever again nor was he certain if his child wanted to be near him "I told ya stories 'bout her. . .Not to lie, all I told you was true. . .I just wanted ta'get ya ready for this, I didn't want ta'tell ya at a young age. . .You weren't ready at ta'time." He released a shaky breath glancing up once more with even more hurt in his eyes "I shoulda told ya from the beginning. . .But. . .It was jus' me. . .I wasn't ready. . .Tinypaw, if only you knew how much ya meant ta'me after yer mother died. . .I didn't eat nor sleep f'days. . .But you, kept me going, son. . .You were my motivation. . ." He thought about Firelily but soon enough his thoughts were filled with those of the Riverclanners he had met here and Swancloud, the mere thought of her made his heart flutter. But he wanted Tinypaw to be happy despite how selfish it seemed, he swallowed roughly flicking his ears back "I want ya ta'be happy. . .Even if it may effect m'own. . ."

    [center][fancypost=bgcolor=;border: 0px solid white; width: 455px; text-align: justify; height: auto; font-size: 8pt; line-height: 122%; margin-top: -2px;]When he was shoved off was the moment that a rift broke and shoved between him and his father. He stumbled back and tried to get as far away from him as he could. He lowered his head and pushed his paws on his ears trying to desperately block out any words that were mewed to him. His heart pounded in his chest and he felt like he was going to be sick. His chest felt too tight, his lungs wouldn't capture air correctly and he shook his head wildly not even caring how jarring that was for his torn throat. No he didn't care and he stepped back from the tom that had been his father. His father that lied to him. Was this male even his dad? He lashed his tail before he croaked out in a wheezing voice eyes not even wanting to look at him. "Shut...up...! I don't...want your lies! You...you fox-hearted coward!" He breathed harshly as he stood there and looked the large burly tom before he shook his head once more. Why did everythign hurt so much, it felt like his heart was being crushed. "You...you're just saying that.... you...you just want to be with her. Swan...Swancloud is all...you care about!" The strain of raising his voice was painful but he didn't care all he did was turn around and ran, he ran and he didn't look back.



    information — updated 4/03